beeblugbug

[beeblugbug]

i wrote this like over a year ago but my ideal guy stayed the same. And whoah, I found someone who fits the criteria. But nah. we can't

Ideal Guy

I watched how my ideal guy evolved through the years. From a guy who’s handsome, tall and atleast 4 years older than me to a guy who is childish yet mature.

As I grow up, I started to realize it is not the physical appearance or age that matters. It is that person, and how he will treat me.

I can’t wait to meet that man.

Current Ideal Guy :    Someone who is childish yet mature.    Someone who argues with me but would try to understand

[beeblugbug]

A Story (Chapter 1)

Author’s note: I’m not a writer, I’m not born to write. English is not my first language but I’m comfortable using it although i’m not good at it. This story is a mixture of recent dramas I watch and my fantasies. I just want to write it and read it for myself later (when i’m older and wiser) as a keepsake of my lonely youth. BTW i wanted to write an R18 story but i can’t vividly describe r18 stuffs so i give up. maybe. 

She rubs her eyes as faint sunlight touches her face. She realizes she is not alone. She’s lying beside a guy she just met last night. They are in an unfamiliar room that looks like a room from a low class motel. She pulled the bed sheets to cover her naked body. Her heart is throbbing, she’s sweating and feeling scared. She checked the clock. It’s 7 o’clock in the morning. She is bound to death when she goes home. She doesn’t have an excuse. She gathered herself altogether and began to pick up her things with a blanket wrapped around her body. She checked the guy she slept with and he is still sleeping soundly as if he’s sleeping in his own room. She changed into her clothes and checked every corner of the room in case she left something. While looking at the guy she slept with, she walk through the door cautiously and made her exit. She was still nervous. Memories of last night began flashing into her mind. She’s embarrassed and hating herself. She grabbed a taxi and went straight home.

She bit her fingernails and grabbed the door keys. She opened the door as quiet as she can. She felt relieved that no one have woken up yet. It’s 8:20, she began to change into comfortable clothes. She heard from the outside that someone have woken up and is now walking to her room. She hurriedly lied down and pretends to sleep. It’s her mother.

“Elysse are you awake?”

 Elysse’s mother woke her up and asked what time she went home. She lied and said she went home at 3:27 am. She made it odd to make it believable. Her mom just told her to sleep more. Her mom gets her laundry and walked out of the room then she fell asleep.

The man in the hotel scratch his head as he woke up. He suddenly get up in awe that the girl he slept with last night is gone. He checked his wallet and phone first in case the girl stole something. Fortunately, his things are all complete. He changed into his clothes and walked out of the motel room like nothing happened. He’s an expert. He slept with numerous girls before, but he’s worried of thievery and getting STD. He was sure the girl won’t have STD because she’s a virgin. He get his car and drove to his dorm. He’s a 3rd year College student. He practically lives in a dorm and never comes home even in vacation. His family is well-off but they don’t have good relationship. He showered as soon as he got home. 

2 weeks later

Elysse’s packed her things. She’s moving into a dormitory. She’s a freshman college student. She’s older than any freshman because she stopped for two years after she finished high school. Her mom bid her farewell and her dad took her to the dormitory. It’s 7 hours ride from their home (including the traffic). Her dad accompanied her to her room and helped her unpack her stuffs. 

“Elysse, you better study well and don’t go in late. There’s strict curfew now, so always check the time”

“yes, dad”

She kissed her dad and said good bye.

Elysse doesn’t have a room mate. It’s a high class dorm so each dormers have room of their own with own bathroom. Each room is small but big enough for someone living on their own. They have a common dining area, laundry area and a lobby for guests. Only relatives are allowed in the dormitory. It’s a coed dormitory with guys living at the right side rooms and girls at the left side rooms. All rooms are airconditioned and has a big window overlooking the campus. 

She decorated her room to her liking and setup her study table.

She logged into facebook to check messages. Her mom and sister messaged her and told her to stay safe. She send picture of her room to her mother and sister. She browse facebook and saw posts of her high school classmates. She began to tear up not because she misses her high school classmates but because she felt lonely. Everybody seems to get along with each other well. 

Elysse doesn’t have anyone she can call friends.

They’re classmates, groupmates, schoolmates, neighbors but never friends.

She’s a loner and doesn’t converse well with others.

She quite and can’t stand to be in big groups of people.

She’s the worst type of introvert

Elysse loves to read books most. Her genre’s are random (according to her mood) but most of the time she reads romance and psychology.

Her school will start in 2 days. She went to her dorm early to get used to it. She have troubles sleeping in new places.

While reading her book, she remembered her first night with a guy…

(1 month ago)

She’s anxious going to college. She heard many or most college students goes to parties to relieve stress. Elysse can’t stand the crowd but she want to change her college life, far different from her lonely highschool life. She searched online what clubs college students go most. She decided to try going to one. She also consulted online what clothes to wear and make up. She told her parents she’s going to a friends birthday party. They were happy (since she rarely have this kind of event) and permitted her to go home late but don’t spend the night. She thanked her parent and began to prepare. She leave their home at 7 o’clock in the evening. The club was so loud as she expected. She’s alone and began to feel anxious. She sat on a free seat when suddenly a man approached her.

“are you alone?”

“ah.. yes..”

“Hmm relieving stress?”

“..yeah, kind of”

“why don’t you join our group?”

Elysse followed the guy. His group look like students of her age, consists of 3 girls and 4 guys. They were very friendly but Elysse can’t get into their conversation since it was about their lives (which she isn’t included to). They played never have a ever game.

“never had a boyfriend/girlfriend”

all laughed

“comeon guys we’re not kids“

“it’s just a tryout question hahah”

they were surprised when Elysse shot a glass

“you really.. didn’t have a boyfriend?”

“not even a fling?”

Elysse shyly said yes. The grouped laughed in disbelief. 

“it’s okay, you’ll find one”

said a guy while he wrapped his hand around Elysse waist.

“hey, don’t even dare. Elysse don’t give him your number. That guy’s a player”

Elysse just nods and the game continued.

She made an eye contact with the guy in front of her. He’s not the one who invited her to the group, neither the one who held her waist. He’s the guy who caught her attention from the start. He is handsome. Maybe the most handsome guy Elysse have ever met in her life. He’s silent and doesn’t laugh much as others. He oftenly whispers to the girl next to him. Elysse assumed they’re in a relationship.

They’re eyes locked for a second but Elysse hurriedly look in another direction. Her heart is breathing fast and her breath feels warm. She’s having a crush on a guy he just met. 

As the game progress, Elysse have taken alcohol beyond her limit. She began to feel drowsy. The man beside her whispered to her

“do you want to go out?”

She shook her head and insist she will continue the game. The girl beside her told her she should go home. In Elysse mind, she wants to know the guy’s name in front of her. She looked at him with her half asleep eyes. Unlike earlier, she didn’t bulge when their eyes met. She smiled like a moron

“ohh, look like this girl is interested with our Shin”

“You better not dare Shin”

“I don’t know”

Shin smiled.

They ended their game because most are drunk. Elysse passed out since round 1. Nobody tried to take her home because they don’t know her home and she’s not waking up. Shin is still wide awake and a sober. He haven’t drink much. He pretty much done everything. 

Elysse opened her eyes. Other’s were dancing crazy on stage. Others are sleeping like her. Shin is just sitting staring at her with a glass of beer on his hand. She sober up. Her heart beats crazily when she realizes Shin was looking at her. She felt hot with his gaze alone. She crazily asked Shin to go out and grab a coffee at the nearby coffee shop. She is expecting to be turned down but Shin stood up and asked her where they should get their coffee.

Elysse thought they should be getting coffee for everyone but Shin told her the club doesn’t allow outside food and drinks. They went into a nearby coffee shop and talked for a while.

“You really didn’t have a boyfriend?”

“no..”

“Are you a minor ?”

“no”

“you must be a nerd?”

“no.. im.. i just”

“You don’t need to explain haha”

Her heart stopped beating for a bit with Shin’s short laughter. Their coffee was ready. There was an awkward tension between them. They have nothing to talk about. Elysse tried to break the ice asking if Shin if he has a girlfriend. Shin said, at the moment he doesn’t. Elysse said she thought Shin has a relationship with the girl beside him.

“You really didn’t have a boyfriend haha”

They’re conversation began. Shin talked about how relationships are like and such body contact doesn’t mean they are into a relationship. He taught Elysse how to differentiate those who are in a relationship and flings and those who are just touchy. Then asked Elysse who she thinks in the group are in a relationship. She answered correctly in her 2nd try. They laughed and looks like their conversation will be long.

Their conversation touches relationships and sex but they talked without malice. Elysse felt like she was learning a lot about life. Shin is really good with his words. He gave advises which as really true and useful. Elysse felt comfortable with Shin. She felt he’s a good man.

Their topic suddenly went to playboys. Shin told Elysse what kind of guy she should avoid if she wants serious relationships. 

“What about you?”

asked Elysse

“Are you the kind of guy for serious relationships?”

“are you even listening?.. What do you think?”

“ My first impression? Hmm I find you attractive and all but I thought you’re a playboy but now I’ve talked with you.. I think you’re someone that can be trusted”

“I taught you a lot today.. Do you think so?”

“why are you always giving back question when I ask something about you?” It was a rhetorical question but Shin replied in spite

“You want to try?”

“What?”

Elysse knew what Shin was asking about. She knew but despite of that she was feeling adventurous and wanted to try something she never done. She’s still half drunk and maybe the alcohol is the one making her daring

She just followed shin outside and they went into a motel nearby. Elysse hesitated as they entered the motel. Shin looked at her

“are you sure?”

She continued walking and Shin just smiled. They had their first night. It was Elysse first time so Shin only lead her. Shin was gentle to her. She was scared at first but Shin was really gentle that she felt safe. She just go all the way and didn’t care what her next day will be. She’s feeling daring for the first time and she’s making the biggest mistake she ever did all her life. She doesn’t think about anything else. She’s stressed, depressed with her current life situation. She wanted to do something out of her character.. The alcohol still has influence on her. 

Shin began to kiss her. They make out and slowly undress themselves…and that’s how their night began..

[beeblugbug]

A Story (Synopsis)

A man and a woman, had a one night stand and thought they will never meet again (sounds familiar?) but they met as dorm-mates. Their rooms are across each other. When they recognize each other, they were nervous. But through series of events they became close. They always secretly visit each other’s rooms and have some booze. They talk about everything especially those related to sex and romance without malice. They have separate love lifes and they help each other through rough times. They give each others advice. What women likes, what men likes. They became best friends.

Because they share a secret, they became more comfortable sharing more.

[beeblugbug]

I want to write

Hi after a long time I accidentally logged in to this tumblr acct. I abandoned this account because I don’t have anything to write anymore and I focused on my fan girl life (who only reblogs). These days I became emotional again and started to write. At first, I wrote and emailed it to myself because I wanted to keep it private but its hassle to switch accounts to read my entries. After that I started a journal with a black notebook but I swore I will only write dark things in that notebook because its black. 

1:00 am 

I realize I wanted to type. I have nothing to write but I want to type. 

Recently I watched a drama that has a writer in the cast, that’s why I wanted to sit and type like her. Unfortunately I do not have any idea what to write. I just wanted to hit the keyboard so I thought “let’s be productive and continue my SP”, but im not in the mood to do that. So for now I will just write random things that will come to my mind.

a story

I want to write a novel or maybe a short story but I do not have the passion to finish it. Here how it goes (this is spontaneously written ) 

synopsis

A man and a woman, had a one night stand and thought they will never meet again (sounds familiar?) but they met as dorm-mates. Their rooms are across each other. When they recognize each other, they were nervous. But through series of events they became close. They always secretly visit each other’s rooms and have some booze. They talk about everything especially those related to sex and romance without malice. They have separate love lifes and they help each other through rough times. They give each others advice. What women likes, what men likes. They became best friends.

Because they share a secret, they became more comfortable sharing more.

at the end. of course. attraction with each other will spark again. (but many things should happen before that err)

because i don’t have any experience. I can’t write an elaborate story. I don’t know how conversations are. I don’t know how people became friends. 

im a trash

[beeblugbug]

Easy Path

I chose an easy path

I chose not to make efforts

I chose to choose who chooses me

[beeblugbug]

COPE COPE COPE

Sometimes I feel I don't need friends, I am fine with my family alone Sometimes I feel wicked, and hate my so-called friends Sometimes I feel jealous of what they have Sometimes I feel insecure Sometimes I feel confident Sometimes I wanna cry Sometimes I don't feel anything

It's like my heart stopped feeling anything. I fake my smiles, laughter, anger and tears

I feel like a puppet. A puppet of my own inconfidence

When I evaluate my problems I feel they're all trivial yet I get so over dramatic

I don't understand myself I don't know what I really want

So I choose to be alone, because when I am with anyone I don't really feel happy inside

I carved a path that is not mine I went to a place I don't belong Because of not wanting to go against the norm I am lying to myself everyday

All piled up and I started to hate everyone I started to despise them

But then I realized, I am the one at fault I stayed with them as if they're my friend I went along even though I don't really like it I just went with the flow without considering what I really felt

Now I am trapped again Trapped in a world I don't belong trying to cope up everyday then feeling tired

Wanting to quit but there's no place to go

Wanting to start over again but it's too dirty to start clean

Stain will always stay, they're always there What I shall do is to cope cope cope cope cope

How long should I hang here How long should I try

I want to be myself, but I don't know myself anymore I was busy trying to cope, trying to blend in now I am very dirty, I can't see or remember what I used to be.

The lies I've been injecting to myself became me I'm all lies

My true self became a dream that I cannot remember I can remember how it felt but I can't describe what it really was

The feeling is all what was left

[beeblugbug]

Ideal Guy

I watched how my ideal guy evolved through the years. From a guy who's handsome, tall and atleast 4 years older than me to a guy who is childish yet mature.

As I grow up, I started to realize it is not the physical appearance or age that matters. It is that person, and how he will treat me.

I can't wait to meet that man.

Current Ideal Guy :    Someone who is childish yet mature.    Someone who argues with me but would try to understand

[beeblugbug]

To Fall in Love

Whenever I watch kdramas, my ideal guy change. Dramas are my life. They're my friends. Yes, I am a loner. I have friends but sometimes, I prefer dramas over them. I don't feel lonely though, because dramas takes me to another world I can only dream of. I am born in a conservative family. To be specific, my father. He does not want me to be involve in love until I graduated and can stand up by myself. I don't find it wrong. When I watch dramas, I understand his side better. I am fond of middle age love stories. They are mature and childish at the same time. They depict reality and not passionate love alone. Kids (?) at my age are all excited to fall in love. To be honest, I am too, the difference is I am what'll be like to fall in love when I reach thirthy. I don't look forward to falling in love right now. I am almost turning 20, but I don't find the want to be in a relationship. Although I develop crushes with a person from time to time, it does not come to the point I want to be with him. I am fine just looking at him from a distant because I know it is not the right time. Maybe thirthy is too late, maybe some will say age does not matter in love. But it does. I want to fall in love when I am ready to settle, I don't want to love just for the sake of expressing my love. I want to love and get married. If I fall in love now and be in a relationship, I am not sure if it will bore marriage. Because we are too young and we have much time to change. This phase of my life, I still have lot to learn, I still have lot to go through... If I fall in love now, there is a least possibility that that person would be my reality, My forever as they say.

I want to fall in love and get married. I do not want to fall in love ... and just love I want a responsible and long lasting relationship.

I am not saying it is not right to have relationship at early stage. This is just in my case because I am a type of person that gets tired easily and also, I am do not love myself enough, how could I love another person If I cannot even love myself.

I wrote this in midst of emotions. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------