belong-ed

[belong-ed]

Hello space, oh how much I’ve miss you

Life been so busy. I barely have the time to unwind and pen things down for relief

Today is Tuesday.

Yesterday I dropped by feiyue to meet my stand in counsellor to talk about … anxiety & my suspicion of ADHD

Today, I had a wave of anxiety.

Wait. Not had. It should be have. Yes im still experiencing and I honestly … dislike this feeling.

Little things around me seems to matter whenever I feel this way. Everything amplifies. The droplets seems larger, my heart thumps faster louder, birds chirp louder as well as the vehicles passing by, it too sounded louder and scarier.

I seems to also perspire more. Not sure if it’s the anxiety or just the weather is way too hot.

I longed for this feeling to end. Let’s see how long it will take, this time.

Okay. I’ve reached my tuition place.

Short post but thank you post.

[belong-ed]

Dealbreaker

Today is Day 3 in Bali, but Day 1 in Semiyak.

The past few days were well spent in Nusa Penida, a not so little island in Bali which Dy and I really enjoy ourselves in.

We were both looking forward coming to Semiyak bcos it’s the city of Bali but our first experience here made us dread our following days here … that is our stay.

The villa we chose is located at the end of a dark long alley. It was ngl, scary while walking up and down this long alley 🙃. That was one. Next, some basic necessities were not provided - toothbrush, toothpaste. Lastly, cleanliness. We were greeted with cockroach in our room when we came back from dinner. Omg that instance, Dy almost went crazy.

Dy wanted to forfeit the stay here and just book another stay - a renounced hotel so we can stay comfortably. I was hesitant initially bcos of the extra cost we gna incurred. Well, I was convinced while walking back; bcos I was scared as hell when walking through the alley. It was about 5 - 7 minutes walk of extreme darkness. Alleys here and alleys in SG are so different.

So, as I was showering today, I was just thinking about the importance of knowing your “deal breaker” in every circumstances; what is your threshold before you decide to change

[belong-ed]

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder how would life be different if I had made the ‘right’ choice and face my feelings.

It’s funny how I seem to fall the hardest for the person whom I never claim mine yet once made me the happiest. Poly year 1.5 to 2 was my happiest days.

Silliest, stupidest but luckiest too

Thank you, you B

[belong-ed]

Today is covid day 2

And it feels like death.

[belong-ed]

18 June 2022

Coach Denise, signing out!

It has been a good few years of ride with the org. I started off looking forward to every lesson. Well, eventually I’ve understand the curriculum and was able to execute them with minimal reference. That was the moment where I start focusing on time & class management.

I will definitely miss being with the kids. To my new class, it was fun being your coach. To my longest student, it was nice growing up with you. To my strongest swimmers, keep swimming & I’ll always be very proud of you. To my manja student, I know you will do even better under another coach.

Wew weekends freed and time to care for my damaged skin & hair 🤧 #jobwoes

[belong-ed]

Down

今天的心情打到谷底

I was looking forward to today where I can finally spend time with Dy. but a mistake that I made which seems small to me was grave to him destroyed the whole night.

The whole night I was questioning myself and I’m sure, goes the same for him. I was so close to just pack my things and leave. After all, I know, I wasn’t suppose to be there.

I realized I was mentally abused. I was mentally drained, mentally tired. I’m sure it goes the same for him.

I’m done. I’m done thinking for others and thinking ahead. I want to think for myself but whenever I do that, it seems selfish and unkind. I’m not being understanding nor do I put the feelings of others at first.

Seems like an easy task but not. But right now, im just tired and I want to rest, rest for good

[belong-ed]

He share, I did not listen

I share, he did not listen

It’s a cycle. It’s never ending. But people will curse the younger one never the elder one.

[belong-ed]

Psychiatrist

Finally pulled myself together to make it to my psychiatric appointment. It was a happy day for me, I’m not sure why. Dy came along with me but I told him to wait for me outside.

Psychiatrist told me that

I am a happy go lucky girl. She shared that my brain works in the day that it chooses to rmb the good but forget the bad.

I have a good support but none of my support is a listener. My support often jump into giving me solutions and never a platform to me let out. All I needed was active listener(s). I realised that because of that, I would bottled up my feelings

Well, I’m fine, I’m good most of the time but one of my trigger points … is when I’m not being heard.

[belong-ed]

Letting out

I put in a lot of hard work to chase after what I am passionate about. and one of it - teaching

I didn’t expect myself to love teaching so much, perhaps I was always ‘taught’ in my life and often the way I was ‘taught’ was through putting me down. Learning in school was a misery. So I made sure learning resources are fun and engaging.

This morning over breakfast, I mentioned myself as a ‘responsible’ teacher. But was immediately put down by my dad. He doubted my responsibility because of my demeanour at home. I may not have the best attitude at home instead it was often poor but it does not reflect the amount of hard work and responsibility I put in in class. The amount of time I put in to prep was never validated and I did not expect anyone to validate them but at the same time I did not expect my family member who often witness how I prep said such hurtful stuffs.

Over dinner today, my dad was spilling out his unhappiness at home - that when he speaks loudly in an unpleasant manner, I would raise my voice in response. Well that’s true, but it’s just a self defence mechanism. Or maybe just a spoiled youngest girl syndrome.

I have a thousand million of reason why I am like that; I was brought up this way, my voices were never heard at home. I may have not tried to put myself in the shoes of my caring parents but how often did they put their shoes in mine?

People often tried to understand the elders more than the youngest. They would blame and point fingers at the younger ones. The hurt that was brought was never spoken of but when the younger ones hurt the elders, it will be brought upon.

And there are a thousand of things that I have done to help my parents was never mentioned, was never being appreciated. The effort that I put in to be more involved in their world and always helping them to set up this set up that; purchasing things that would be helpful in their life.

& so they say, people will always rmb the bad but forget the good

[belong-ed]

Resort

Hello writing space, Im back.

Im back writing out my thoughts that nobody read but I needed this space to clear my mind.

I’m upset and quite affected by one of Dy’s response towards my decision making.

One of our mutual friend, M got into an accident and was hospitalised at CGH which is on the other side of the island. I asked him multiple times if we will be visiting him today. He kept saying he will check but did not check. Probably occupied by other more important things. Anyway, he checked in the end, on the day that we planned to visit but his respond was “I’ll just visit him alone bcos it’s too far for u”

Well nothing to complain actually since he think of me right. But I’m not happy bcos he made the decision for me ??????????????? he thinks it’s inconvenient for me and make the decision for me. Lol I’m just being super unreasonable here and feeling all upset.

He said, he was just doing what a friend should - visiting when hospitalized. So he thought that I’m not a friend to M? Haha things that girls think or rather just me.

But at the same time feeling really proud of myself bcos I held back my emotions and talked to him nicely.

Now since I held back my emotions, its bottling up … and I resort to this space to attempt making myself feel better

And I really hate these last minute shit. If he would have asked M yesterday when I asked him to, I would have head to my aunt place so it won’t be ‘too far’ for me. I can spend time with my aunt and visit M at the hospital with Dy too. Urge really hate such planning.

[belong-ed]

2/365

Half fixed crab that got me really pissed at how bad the manual is but still had to pull it through because without the manual, we are doom.

Together

May I always rmb that working together reap greater benefits than walking alone

[belong-ed]

Scar Management Day 1

Since the incident day, I have been really insecure about the scars, multiple scars from several stitches and a major operation. Though the insecurity, I am not diligent in applying scar cream. I’m blessed with people around me who buy me expensive creams but I’ve always only used them half.

Today, I start my journey of scar management using cica-care silicon gel - that I need to place on top of the scar for 13-24 hours for a couple of months. That’s really long! It’s not cheap so I need to be diligent in it!

Here’s my penned down notes to take charge of my scar management cica-care journey 😀

Day 1 - 8.30pm

[belong-ed]

Day 0: Seek

25 October 2021

Not sure where did the courage come from this morning. It’s just another regular Monday. Intern shift today: 10.30am. I woke up at my usual timing, tossed and turned. Thought very hard if I should go to work or head down to the clinic for my appointment letter.

I chose the latter.

Firstly, I needed the extra time to complete my art assignment - which I did and took almost 8 hours to finish it.

Secondly, I have drag this doctor’s appointment for the longest time. I closed the case myself by MIA-ing all my appointment time till hospital decided to discharge me. It’s been 2 years.

Thirdly, I need closure (more like I need help). I thought I can overcome it myself. I packed myself with tons of work (unintentionally - but maybe subconsciously) but flashbacks do come and ... lots of aftermath happens.

So, Day 0 it is. I had heart palpitations the whole day - not sure is it because of my decision to take the first step or was it because I do not want to screw up my art assignment. Was in lots of distress but the soft music playlist helps a lot. Kinda feeling anxiety (???). Not sure about it. But uneasy, yes. Well, that’s all about it.

Day 0 log, checked ✔️

I hope there will be a day 1 ... since I intentionally missed lots of appointments back in 2019

P.S no suicidal thoughts bcos I need to live on for myself & the people I love immensely

[belong-ed]

Effort

Everyone’s perception of ‘effort’ is different. I may think that I put in a lot of effort but the other party, may think otherwise.

Sometimes, or rather many times, I do feel disappointed because the amount of effort I put in is not being reciprocated. But perhaps to the other party, he felt that he have put in his large share of effort.

[belong-ed]

I know, and I’m working on it

I’m just going to leave it here, bcos I haven’t walk out of it.

One day, surely, I will

[belong-ed]

If only ...

Today at the dinner table, I was imagining how would life be if there’s no covid.

Bad news have been surrounding my family lately.

The first bad news was the passing of my grandma coincided with my brother’s wedding. Not sure what was worse ... but if there’s no covid, my brother’s wedding would have been held way earlier

The second bad news was the diagnosis of my fourth aunt’s health condition. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer shortly after my grandma passed. My aunt is my mum’s sister and my mum has always maintain a close relationship with all her family members. But since she resided in Malaysia, it’s been long since my mum seen and spend time with her. The news hit my mum quite badly

The third bad news is the passing of my first aunt. She just passed on earlier today & I know, my mum isnt feeling good. We obviously can’t go back to send her off and I’m really unsure how everything would turn out to be. My cousin; first aunt son gotten the permit to return back to Malaysia and he has since took the flight but unfortunately Malaysia does not recognise the vaccine he took (MRa - Morderna) hence the minute he touched down, he was sent to a Quarantine Centre 🤦🏻‍♀️

My heart goes out to all my loved ones affected by these news. It just hit right back at me that life is short; treasure it.

How am I feeling? Not too good but I’m doing well. Just thought that if there’s no covid, how would life pans out - we would have all taken the flight back to Malaysia and spend some really good quality time there. & my mum, she wouldn’t feel as bad as how she is feeling right now.

Even though I might not have much memories with my first aunt, but I knew her stories & I love listening to them - wouldn’t mind listening them over and over again. She’s a hardworker & she took care of my mum and her siblings with sweats and tears. I will always remember the every mornings breakfast at the coffee shop she works at serving us kopi, milo or teh; then refusing to collect money from us

May I always remember to treasure all my love ones - cousins, relatives and every family members who plays a big part in mine and my parents life 💖

[belong-ed]

Quarantine Day

I couldn’t sleep well upon receiving the text from <K> that I might be a close contact of a covid patient - bcos everything is not cfm yet since PCR results is not out

It is the start of my long Summer Uni Break but I set my alarm at 9am, 9.15am, 9.30am, 9.45am just in case MOH call and I didn’t wake up - I’m a deep sleeper.

And at 10am, MOH really called me, informing me of what I’ve already known.

I was asked to “take out your luggage and begin packing for a 13 days stay” and I wasn’t in much of a state of shock, but instead, in a state that says “what should I pack?” A friend told me, it’s just like packing for staycaytion lor! But what my mind was telling me then was “staycaytion I will pack go out clothes & make up leh” HAHAHAHA but well, my 13 days of clothes are all my pyjamas & laundry detergent for me to wash clothes to rewear HAHAHA.

Anyway, my pack list:

lots of comfortable pyjamas

sufficient undergarments

socks to workout

(I wore slippers there LOL)

laptop for work/ school/ for productivity

ipad (my fav bring)

charger

extension cable LOL 😂

Nintendo Switch (I didn’t play in the end)

lots of embroidery stuff (I’m an embroiderist - & I embroider a lot of things)

13 days of detox tea

some snacks

books

medications

basic facial care - face mask sheet etc

I think that’s about it

I was picked up by Certis Cisco guy, (damn handsome btw) at about 8pm. When I board the mini van, I was told to show my QO text message from MOH & was also informed of where I am heading towards (the hotel I will be at). I was the first to be picked up so by the time we reach the hotel, it was 10pm. BUT we only managed to alight the van at 12am. I checked in at about 12ish.

It was a long first day of QO for me. Lots of negative feelings overwhelmed me - especially the thought of sleeping alone for 2 weeks ...