bemejaybee

[bemejaybee]

You paint your nails dark blue, and you cry.

You aren’t allowed to paint your nails black. You learned this the hard way, and you’ve tried to forget it, but every time you pick out a shade, you pick one lighter than you mean to. You tried to tell them it was the hard way, and they heard you, but you think maybe you didn’t say enough. Maybe you don’t need to.

You want to paint your nails black. You want to paint your nails, and you have nail polish, and you have the time and the freedom to paint them, as long as they aren’t black. You learned that the hard way. You paint your nails dark blue.

You paint your nails dark blue, and you are happy. They are pretty, and with each coat they get prettier. Darker. You stop after the second coat. They are dark enough, you think, and you are happy. They are beautiful, even though it would be so easy to add another layer. To make them darker. They still wouldn’t be black, right? But they would look black, and that’s what would matter.

Your nails are dark blue. You look at them closely. They are not black. They don’t look black. They are clearly blue, right? You were careful to keep them blue. But they are dark, like black is dark, and you’re not sure why they can’t be black, so maybe they can’t be dark blue either? It’s too late. Your nails are dark blue, and they are beautiful. Your nails are dark blue, and they aren’t black.

You want to paint your nails black.

You look at your nails, and you cry. They were beautiful when you were painting them, because they were so close to what you wanted, and they were safe, even if your eyes are burning and your stomach is churning. It was worth it. But your nails are not black, and you’re still scared.

You were trying to be careful. You were so careful, but you’re still scared, and your nails aren’t even black. Your nails are dark blue, and you’re still scared, and you wonder if it was worth it. You could have added a coat, but you don’t know where the line is. You could have painted them black.

Now the nail polish is gone, and it offered to take you with it, and you said no. You could have been happy, but you didn’t want to learn the hard way that it would make your nails black. You want them so badly. But you’re scared that you’ll learn the hard way.

You hope that you’re just tired, that you’re crying because you’re overwhelmed and weak and not because your fears are true. You hope that when you wake up after a long nap it will feel silly, and you won’t even remember the fear.

Someday you will paint your nails black.

Tonight, your nails are dark blue, and you cry yourself to sleep.

[bemejaybee]

They say that a person dies two deaths, one when their body dies and one when they’re forgotten. What does it mean, then, to forget what you loved someone while they’re still alive? To go through your life, knowing that you cared, but to have all of the meaning in those memories washed away? I think it means that I grieve.

Sorry for the melodrama. Feeling a certain kind of way and I know I won’t understand later, but getting the words out now will help.

[bemejaybee]

Lying in the bathroom floor. Don’t forget.

[bemejaybee]

Guess who just took a 40 minute shower without so much as touching any kind of soap or shampoo! it’s me

[bemejaybee]

:)

[bemejaybee]

Current evidence seems to support this theory

I can’t picture falling for someone on my own, but I think if someone loved me the way I want to be loved I could love them back with everything I have

[bemejaybee]

The world is feeling real today and it’s not even a conscious effort, incredible :0

[bemejaybee]

Me scrolling through my old posts: Dang looks like she was having a tough time. Good thing I’m doing better now

The camera that films and broadcasts my life Truman show style: zooms out to show me hiding under my bed

[bemejaybee]

Maybe I’m just mad that everything I’ve done to be ‘good’ in my life only makes things more difficult.

I don’t actually think that’s true, it doesn’t make things harder, but it does make everything I’m not doing worse. Like when you’ve got a really high grade and then you fail a test, that one failed test will absolutely wreck your grade, and you kinda wish you’d already been failing so it wouldn’t have done as much damage even though you know you’re technically better off and should just be glad all your work before is keeping you from wrecking everything

[bemejaybee]

Me, looking at the ever growing pile of evidence that I have DID (or at least alters): hm. But have you considered that this is fake and clearly you’re exaggerating and it’s something else and you’re not able to talk to anyone about it at this exact moment so why even bother considering it

[bemejaybee]

Just had a moment of panic when I went to reblog something to a side blog only to discover they had disappeared, but luckily I am a genius detective and digital wonder boy and found them again

[bemejaybee]

Had a dream where I (an angel who was once a human) was dating a fallen angel (who had really only sauntered vaguely downwards) and we were flying and it was great. We kissed over a match so it would feel warm (so maybe we were also ghosts? Or just incorporeal). Why am I not flying with my angel partner all the time. I was doing acrobatics

[bemejaybee]

Starting to discover that perhaps my tendency to hide my negative emotions and only let myself break down in private is counterproductive to my desire for someone to notice my negative emotions and be there for me when I break down

[bemejaybee]

If I’m gonna have a mental breakdown I can at least have it in the shower

[bemejaybee]

The smell of lasagna reminds me of the beach

[bemejaybee]

Also lately I’ve been having trouble with remembering old dreams and they feel like memories. Just leaving that here for future me’s archeological digs to find

[bemejaybee]

Time to scroll through my own blog to see if I remember any of my old thoughts