benihana-circumcision

[benihana-circumcision]

literally drinking a beer by the lake and still opened tumblr. some of us are beyond saving

[benihana-circumcision]

guys I can’t stop watching this 😭

Interviewer: 'shoutout baltimore' David Byrne: '...baltimore...!'

[benihana-circumcision]

“Your ‘found family’ was ‘found dead’ outside my junkyard last night, face down and ass up— the lot of them, with a red foam coming out of their mouths and anuses. It seems they were rifling through my dumpsters for some ‘Venezuelan Cigars’ as the kids call them nowadays, but since we don’t generally get organic waste like tampons, they had to make due with a couple of thermal fuses they found inside an old refrigerator. What they did next really defies logic, but the police lady told me it involved some sort of ass to mouth douching ritual. You can go ID the bodies at the morgue since literally none of these freaks had a next of kin, but I see you hanging out with them at the laundromat every fucking Thursday when I go in to do my loads. I get it kid. I see the pins on your little denim jacket. I know what it’s like, to not have a family of your own. So you have to make one. Out of the roaches and rats and dogs which crowd around you to lick at your sores. My mother died during her own birth. Then she missed mine, and my poor father passed away from the stress of bearing a child alone. He just didn’t have birthing hips like those women in musical.ly. All my siblings died during 9/11 despite none of them being within 250 miles of New York. Left little old me all alone, so I took my pansexual ass straight to Newark to follow my dreams of opening up the state’s first demiboy run junk yard. Every mook and mechanic you see lunking around here is 100% certified grade A demiboy. We screen them upon application and run them through rigorous Meyers brig testing to make sure they’re compatible with the kinds of toxins you can only find around broken down appliances and people who exist outside the gender spectrum. They’re my found family. And I would do anything to protect them.”

*turns around to unload an entire magazine into a stray dog that only just started to round the corner*

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my bitch lets me use adjectives

[benihana-circumcision]

most notable times of being hit on by customers:

guy who tried to impress me with card tricks and failed every single one of them

old man who attempted to get my number when his wife walked away and slipped me his email address ending with “@ aol.com” when i said i don’t do that

cute gay couple that came back to tell me i was cute and then called the shop to ask me out

older professor who i talked to about folklore and told me he dressed as a wizard for recitals saying “this is really embarrassing but umm.. i’d love to get to know you more..” and gave me a receipt with his email address on it

dude in his 40s asking me on a movie date and me saying yes but then he kept starting text conversations with “ahoi hoi”

military guy who said it’d be hot if i killed him with a baseball bat

most notable time a customer did not ask me out:

a man who i knew had a wife and children getting really flustered and saying “um. ive been, uh.. idk if you remember me but um. i come in here a lot and ive uhhh haha umm ive been wanting to ask you for a couple weeks now.. um. have you read the green lantern issue i recommended??????”

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the most punk thing you can do is take your studies seriously and get a good job. and putting some money from that summer job into a roth IRA now? now that's very punk young man

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im so disappointed the cropped version of this is the one going around

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i need the discoursers in the notes to understand that i reposted this purely for the syntax and poetry

[benihana-circumcision]

if youre not in school anymore and are looking for ways to get out of the house more go to the nearest "hip" coffee shop you can that has a bulletin board with flyers on it for local events and attend any and all the ones youre able to ESPECIALLY if they're free. this is the only actionable advice that has worked for me

[benihana-circumcision]

any time i feel like shit i just rewatch the vid of those people in new york reacting to sans undertale being confirmed for smash. like the exact second megalovania starts you can see all stages of grief diluted into dionysian ecstasy. it's Incredible

[benihana-circumcision]

I don't really have the time or mental space to commit to a full archnemesis relationship right now; looking for more of a casual, enemies-with-benefits affair.

[benihana-circumcision]

[benihana-circumcision]

I don't really have the time or mental space to commit to a full archnemesis relationship right now; looking for more of a casual, enemies-with-benefits affair.

[benihana-circumcision]

Right when you don't think you can take much more you'll hear your cat start to dry heave in another room

[benihana-circumcision]

I'm high as fuck at medieval times and trying so hard to look normal. My friend pointed at a QR code and went "What is the meaning of this Rune..." and I almost threw up trying not to laugh

[benihana-circumcision]