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Celibacy and Marriage

Is a life of celibacy possible? Not just for a season, but a lifetime.

I am intrigued by Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 7. He seems to favor his lifestyle as celibate man. What does that even look like? In the culture that I have grown up in I've always felt the unspoken pressure that marriage was something to look forward to for everyone. Its the "better" comparison that the singles of the world get to wait for.

But what if it isn't? What if its better, for some, to remain single and celibate.  

Im gonna be honest here, I don't want to be married. I look at couples, my parents, friends that are in serious relationships, kids, and think "I don't want that". Its the sacrifice, and the struggle I see them go through for the duration of those relationships. Of course its worth it for some, I don't want to give the impression that sharing life with another, having kids together, serving together could not be a true blessing, just maybe not for me.

I guess I'm just curious what a celibate life would look like. In such a sexualized culture I can only imagine it would be difficult. But would it be worth it for guys like me? Guys who find their relationship with God to be completely satisfying. Guys who don't want the weight of having to choose the betterment of their family over the freedom to follow God. Guys who see their brothers and sisters in their christian community as more than just friends but in a sense as "first family".

Abstinence is a calling. We are all not have sex outside the construct of marriage. Scriptures along with experiences speak to this as an absolute truth, to be applied by everyone. 

But celibacy is not a calling. Its a choice. 

I see the choice of marriage and the choice of celibacy as equal. Equal in sacrifice, reward and blessing. Both's soul purpose is to bring God glory. Just with different consequences. 

I also believe God has a specific plan for each of our lives to follow. Not just some random, good intentioned, "I don't know what God wants me to do, so I'm gonna do this" sorta thing. There is one place, one person, one thing that God wants me to purse in every given moment I am allowed to live. I believe this speaks to the overall theme that God wants an intimate relationship with me and seeking Him in this way would require such attentive senses, that would only produce His desired level of intimacy with us.

Seeing a life of celibacy as possible allows me to dream. I dream of life not bound to another. The freedom it gives is enticing. But it comes at a price. The price of exchanging the tangible feel of companionship for the intangible one. One must find themselves satisfied relationally in the intangible God. Yes you can experience a certain level of God in others outside of marriage, the tears of a widow, the smile of a child or the hug of a mother. But you will not find complete satisfaction in it. It will feel great one moment and flee you the next. This is also true in marriage I would assume. This because I don't believe you were made for either. You were made for heaven and there lies the tension. That only He can satisfy but you only get glimpses of that here in this sinful world. You can't hug Him, kiss Him, or hold Him the way your desires demand. Instead you have to settle for momentary pleasures and find that hope in the promise that one day, your pursuit to put God first, forsaking all other fleshly desires, will be worth it. 

It will be. James chapter 1 promises me that our perseverance will pay off.

I believe that when I look upon Jesus's face, that moment will bring completeness. Nothing else will matter. With tears in His eyes He will kiss me and all the heartache, struggle, and disappointment will be accounted for. With His warm embrace all things will fade and I will be caught up in the eternity of that moment. Never again will I want, cry tears of sorrow, or hurt. Ill just be complete. Forever satisfied.

In closing both marriage and celibacy is worth pursuing for those that would choose it. The thing is, when your faced with these choice's, you are immediately met with the realization of your sacrifice. You see the challenge. You are met with the temptation. You see the ways out. You see the doubt forming.

But you choose against it.

What kind of God do you serve? What kind of God do I serve? Does He not shatter my preconceived notions of what I can do in Him?

I wonder what He see's in me. I wonder what He perceives as my "best" life here on earth to look like.

Ive only begun to look but it seems I am among the few. Its hard to find examples of people who have lived a celibate life. 

My curiosity grows.

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1 Year Ago

This day last year was a significant one. I found myself being stripped of everything I loved with no direction, energy or hope to move forward. I was broken and on the cusp of falling into serious depression. I remember feeling dizzy from the weeping as I sent an email from my phone stating my condition to those close to me. I needed others faith to get me through.

While my process of being broken was far from over this day was the beginning. What followed was the most challenging year of my life. Many people know of it and shared that journey with me. For that I am forever grateful.

I don't want or see any need to bring to light again what I experienced. I think it would only distract from the present day that God has brought me into.

I just want to note that I am grateful. Grateful for God's grace and to His disciples. I know how cliche it is to say "I wouldn't be here without you" but nothing would be more true. I wouldn't be.

Thank you to everyone who hoped when I couldn't, prayed when I had no words left, housed me, gave me opportunities to earn money, invited me to hangout, encouraged me to laugh, gave sound advice, and challenged me to not give up to anything but God's will. I can never repay you, and I never deserved the level of love you showed. 

1 year later I have a new hope, new faith, new love, new home, new jobs, new friends, new talents, and new opportunities. Only God remains the same. He truly makes all things new.

To those that read this, and helped see me through, be encouraged that your love was not in vain. God continues to grasp more and more of my heart and life. 

I love you all. 

God bless you.

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The Impossible Hope

Loneliness.

It is impossible to cure. What I want is dictated by it. Only there is nothing ever experienced by any sense of this world that can satisfy the pangs of brokenness it leaves as result.

Numb it, distract from it, control it, but only for a time. Brief but bitter when its reality sinks in. That nothing will ever satisfy. That everything I want is a lie from loneliness. Because its not what I want that brings satisfaction, its what I am given. A gift so valuable, that even if i gave all I had for it, my offer would scorned. A gift so perfect its free.

So what am I left with. What am I to do knowing that everything I want is evil and therefore meaningless and out of reach.

I open my hands and let the little I hold fall to my feet. I kneel to pick it up but as I look upon it, I see its filth. And like the beggar I am, I raise my head and see His face. He is the only one who gives what I seek. A smile thats met with embrace that free's me from this world and gives way to the next.

Does anything else matter? Or is it enough to just open my hands.

I see the river with a tree in His eyes. Its fruit bears beautifully as the river runs with peace and persistence. You will find me there when my time is done. 

 I awake to the realization that in order to appreciate the tree and its river, I must first see the desert before it. This wasteland of dead bones and earth stricken soil around me. 

The river runs below my feet fed by the tears of this Man that holds me. I believe how much He wants me.

Do I trust with blind understanding that my hope is here, with its beauty and its serenity.

My trust is wasted on anything else.

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All of these thoughts flood my mind.

"Standing on the shore of decision looking at the face of adventure. Desire to abandon all I know. What pushes me is rooted somewhere between misunderstanding and knowing. Knowing that what I want, to understand, is not within my reach.

So I ponder my escape.

Not knowing what lies ahead. Adventure in theory is full of excitement and bleeds with passion for life. But adventure in reality is full of breathless moments and silent nights and wounds that leave scares and memories on a heart.

Can I go the distance?

Can I give all my mind to get what the messenger is saying?

Can I surrender my knowing?

Will I survive the humility of ignorance to obtain a treasure that earthly gold can not buy?

Will I ask the question of honesty even if the answer convicts my soul and sends me to the land of repentance?

All of these thoughts flood my mind…

As I stand on the shore of choosing, and in the distance of wandering I see with clear eyes, a flock of wild beautiful birds, swooping clearly in my direction as if they see me and are coming for me. And how strange it is that their eyes are full of clarity, and the melody of their flapping wings sings out, we are coming for you…"

Melissa Helser

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My Shadow

How I miss you is like a shadow.

I use to chase you around and around,

by trying to turn back time

just to be with you again.

Yet you are invisible.

Yet you are present.

Like a shadow you follow me around.

This awareness made manifest.

You bring a small, faint amount of sadness.

I still miss you,

and that will never leave.

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All joy is far from me All hope is even farther still Where is the light of tomorrow's horizon What will I do with out the suns warmth on my cheeks These bones are all broken This heart is punctured It's spits out venom with every beat Killing the roots that uphold me Loneliness is my friend And disappointment my shadow They walk with me Keeping me company As I stray The night is coming The stars are hidden by the darkness Where is living water I am the harlot at the well Everyone around looks at me Then looks away I have not a single friend that does not pity me Because pity is all I deserve Where is my savior Where is my tomorrow He comes but I don't know when I doubt He brings anything good For what I want is dead And can no longer be seen So what then Why carry on I don't know Maybe in the Morning I'll let Him love me.

[benjamindodgson-blog]

#andrewbelle (at Lincoln Hall)

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"The more I seek you" chorus. I love the image of His peace melting away all my worries and fears. Has a soothing feeling to it. John 14:27 #themoreiseekyou

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He said Come here. I want that too. Because you see Ben I want all of you

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Earth is not outside of heaven; it is heaven's workshop, heavens womb.

Peter Kreeft

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Hey disappointment, You've been around along time. You meet me at my highs And you bring me low We've gotten to know each other well over the years You show up to all the big parties But I hope for the day you don't come. You will look for, but will not find I am gone from there He has overcome Every shadow you have cast will be filled with light. Mighty rivers will crush your walls. Fire will consume the dead you left behind. And life will come. Glorious beauty will follow And I will walk hand in hand Fist tightly made On his favored And he will take me to glory Where you are not welcome

[benjamindodgson-blog]

The fear of taking the leap is falling past the point of being able to land.

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I waited two years for this. Damn straight I was excited. #freedominredemption

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Baptism

It was around this time 2 years ago while in Kona HI, I began to dream of getting baptized. The dreams were so vivid I would wake up with tears stuck to the sides of my cheeks. God was calling me to declare publicly that He was everything to me. But that was the issue. I didn’t know what “everything” meant.

These past 2 years have been filled with blessing, testimony, family, friends, love, and even loss. All these experiences have led me to realize a little more about myself and what I was holding back from Him. Thankfully He has allowed me time to give those things over to Him.

That season of surrender has never been more true than these last few months. You see God is real but so is the devil. He knows what’s happening and he hates it.

He has tried to win my mind, my body, my emotions, and my relationships. And truth be told he has won a few of those battles. Sin has real and sometimes lasting consequences.

But…. His love wins!!!

No matter what I’ve done, no matter what I’ve lost, God is always faithful, always redeeming, always stronger, always higher, always forgiving, always loving. Nothing can separate me from Him.

He can’t love me any more and he couldn’t love me any less. Even if I decided to never choose Him again, His love for me will never change.

That love has brought me life long freedom.

Today is the longest time in 18 year’s that I have not given into temptation in the fight for my purity.

Today I have hope for a future to one day provide for a family that I never thought I’d be good enough to have.

Today I choose to not regret my past and live in shame because of the new things He has promised me.

Today I am not discouraged.

Today I hope.

Today he has everything and because of that today I am free!

To everyone that has been apart my story, prayed for me, wept with me, laughed with me, hugged me, gave me a tissue, supported me, encouraged me, trusted me, disciplined me, forgiven me, I want you to know that I am beyond… Beyond grateful.

You helped bring light to this dark and dead life.

To my family of believers around the world, I say I love you.

To my family I say I love you.

David thank you for making me laugh.

Ruth thank you for your honesty and your beauty.

Sharon thank you for showing me what being faithful to God looks like.

Mom thank you for loving me and always believing there was hope for me.

Dad thank you for being the Father I never deserved and the rock our family couldn’t live without.

I am truly blessed.

My dream is coming true.

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Moving on.

Today is my last day in Kona HI until mid December. From here I travel back home to Chicago for a little over a day. From there I fly with my father to London to spend some time with his family there, in particular my 92 year old grandma. In my last few hours here I find myself reflecting on all thats happened while I've been here. From waving the Hawaiian flag at the opening ceremony, to the dance sessions, to the speakers, monday morning worships, thursday night gatherings, prayer room sessions, pig feeding, outreaches to coconut grove, trips to beaches and far off waterfalls, times of passion/fear/tears/joy and the list goes on and on. Im so grateful for my time here, the Lord truly wanted me here. However I am ready. Ready for whats next. With Ireland in my near future I am eager to see what the Lord will do with the anointing he's given me. Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers. They were heard. To my YWAM family... I love you. Keep in touch with this blog! You'll want to. The times to come will include many great and amazing acts of God that will undoubtedly play out because of the role our lives will play in seeing revival in Ireland. This is gonna be fun.

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These guys are awesome and are showing the film around the country. Go and see it!

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This is what we do for fun.