benlovej-blog

[benlovej-blog]

Hi!!! Vanessa!!!

 Thanks for caring so much about me!!!  I feel very much undeserved for this. By the very few time with you, I feel really warm. Thank you so much...

 So my first struggle will be this unworthiness. You make me feel more cared and loved here. It makes me want to do more for international services or CGs. But I just don't know how to do it at two campuses. It is very sarcastic that I did much here at near west but didn't have the care deserved, and I have much more care here while I fall short giving and helping here. But I do really want to be friend with you and this could be a sincere asking.  

 Mmm, maybe I will start telling about myself.

 So, growing up, my parents were not around(I will cut this short I had many lost feelings with family tho).  I lived by myself and cooked for myself and went to school since grade 3-grade 6. I really love nature and read books.  By loving nature, I formed this image of greater thing-like a God. And by reading books(mostly Chinese History and philosophy), I grew with a strong awareness what is right and what is wrong, and what it means to fight against the world to keep doing the rightful things. So when I first read Bible, there was just too many clicks what I believe and was doing in life.

 Before I became a Christian, I strongly believe some things or I live in this way.

 1.   I love others and I always want to put people’s need before myself and even it will mess up with my own life.

2.   I believe the most great thing is I can lay myself down for someone I love.

3.   I understand people and respect how people will prioritize their life and I can’t be sad or just stop loving because I am not on the top of their list. And things I do is just because I love, not to have something back.

 I don’t know about here, but who I am or was in China, is really abnormal to contemporary Chinese culture. Especially in schools, everyone is thinking of getting to a better school. And maybe because of the competitiveness given by populations or just what were passed down from the parents(they are the first generation after cultural revolutions), what most peers would not think like us two can go to good school together. Instead, they would think I will try to kick you out of this so that I can go alone to this better school. For example, I heard people would fake relationship and intentionally break up with people so that they have a hard time in study. And there were worse things happened.

 So as myself, what I experienced most in school, is people are judging and looking down upon people who have worse scores, from teachers to students.

And as a top student, I felt vey sick with those so-called top students. So, I spent much time with people who may not have as high scores. And by that, I am so glad I had many friends in many fields and I can help them and just be there to support them. On the other side, there were many judgements put on me. And when I got to SJTU, it became worse. I really want to see people walk together, shoulder by shoulder instead of using each other like ladders.

 And if I can have support from family, I wouldn’t have been in depression either. Because I just have this high expectation because they are closest. Home should’ve been a haven. But after being emotional neglected for the entire early life by parents. I started to constantly question myself, or to say beat myself up. I shouldn’t have feelings. It became frustrating and tiring and drained my vitality. Especially when comparing myself to my peers, I was in many aspects a better kid(sorry, I did comparisons), yet I can’t have any little piece of sweetness or warmth from home. What else can I do? Am I not loving people? Am I not already having the best score? Am I not forgiving?

It is easy to lose hope for life in such case because there isn’t really anything you didn’t do well or do enough. It is just a bad luck. At least I think.

 And all these maybe good qualities in me, I know its from GOD and I feel grateful for that. And it is the best gift I can have to be a good man by nature. Also I can truly feel it is a big cross to carry.

 I don’t know, I am kinda lost. But today’s message is very nice because it reminds many ways what does it mean to follow Jesus and commit to his love. But from time to time, I still want to feel same love here in this world.

 Sometimes I want to have rest in Christ, but it never truly hit me the way most people shared like salvation or Joy or heaven. And I really want to.

There are just moments I am blind to the fact he loves me and the gifts he gave and I think I am not feeling that God loves me. But this is also the way I always challenge myself, will you still trust him when you can’t see any benefit? And my answer is always yes, because I love him(he is soooo so great) so much that I don’t care  if I can be in that love. It is kinda parallel to the point 3 I mentioned above that if god doesn’t prioritize me this moment, I love him no matter what.

 Also, I saw this question tonight, “if God can answer all your prayers, will the world be better or the just your life?”(it is on Lud’s facebook!!). I didn’t pray much recently because unhappiness. But those times when I sincerely want to pray, it has nothing to do with myself, but Liz and Maggie will be great doctors, Celia will have a better family situation, Stephanie will have a great lab to rotate in and have family reconciled…or even short version “if people can have happy life, God pls take that from me if I can trade for it.”

 I don’t know, but thanks for listening to me rabbling this long. I can still see my cheering spirit buried in my heart. And you really helped this come out from time to time which is also the best part of me-making people happy. I really want this friendship too!!! I know (ok I am always using this excuse I am not good at English if I don’t know how to express my feelings). BUT big big big Thanks, for being the light to me !!!

[benlovej-blog]

Before depart for Ann Arbor

Some time you have to admit a thing, that love is rare in this life, and some just have to live without it till the end.

So my old friend in college is having her wedding in Canton, Michigan and we just talked about hanging out stuff.  It would be my first wedding to attend of my peer generations. And I suddenly realize that this is it. 

Summer is long, I never really have a summer break. Squads went home, and all people I care and going well what they are doing which is nice enough.  By knowing that COTB family is doing well, gives me such a comfort. 

But when I look back to myself, I feel bored.  It is just so hard to admit that fact that I will never ever get those things in my life. Time doesn’t go backwards.

Maybe life would be easier if I can hate people and complain. But it is just not my thing. The one who I hate most is not the one who hurt me most, but actually myself.

When those families saying they don’t want distractions and want more of GOD, I just feel the opposite. I really really need distractions in this world to make myself trying to live. 

I don’t know what will happen in the wedding, I might break down and cry for all those lost days before those friends in Michigan, how I failed to live positively that time.  I would be staying with a friend who became Christian in Ann Arbor. I am really curious about how they perceive Christianity.

By the way, one thing I feel sad about is how neglect I am seeing Paster Mike and Paster Daniel. I thought I can always share my bad feelings with them but never thought about how much they are carrying. I take it for granted that they can be my mentors and listeners. However, thinking of their burdens and of that they have less people to turn to because they need to appear strong before us, it makes me feel bad about myself. I am really really thankful and should tell them.

[benlovej-blog]

BCF closure

Great to have BCF this year.  Felt kinda lost afterwards. Maybe just because being phone fast lol. Maybe it also helps to admit the fact that I really don’t have people messaging me lol.  Actually,  I am very used to that. But hope of getting some texts makes me sad sometime. Hope is a good thing, also something can drive you crazy.

This morning I had a bad dream.  I believed it lasts at least 4 hours. In the dream, I talk back to each everyone of my family, tell them go away and yell at them you dont know anything about love.  It was terrible, and I kinda know that I was in dream and cannot get out. And in the end, I can’t bear anymore and shout out its enough and wake up.

And i don’t know what it implies. Anyway, it is all gone. I felt a strange sense of peace that I can’t tell. I don’t think it is very good.  Because I don’t have any hope of myself anymore?

I have this secret in my heart all the time and don’t know how to share people. When friends and pasters talking about life and say it as distractions from God, as well as want to be closer to God. I just don’t feel the same way.  From the very young child I can remember, I spend so long time in solitude and just let the wind&moonlight&stars&ocean stuff comfort me and talk to God all the time. And now I don’t really talk that much and I just communicate with him with my mind.

Solitude with God is always a good time. And this time is just too good and can give peace and I don’t even want to go back to real life. I dont know if this makes sense. But i feel i dont have much joy and dont have much hope in this practical life. I don’t have enough courage to live in this world.

Thinking about BCF, it is just so nice of them and I joke with heavenly father that are you serious that there are actually people as cute as they are?And you know they are just angels. But sad feeling comes to me from time to time that I don’t deserve being here. Maybe just too many girls lol. Sometimes I feel like i am an intruder, not knowing much about english, not knowing much about the culture. And the things i know well and experience a lot are just not belong here.

Then I feel i lose hope again.  Maybe that is too much to say like that. But I have no desires for food, clothes, money, car or anything. Even basketball, i can quit if god wants me to.  No flesh desires.  Life is like floating on the ocean, go anywhere wave leads me to.

That’s not very accurate because I do have something in hope. I never shared with anyone and I just talked to God a lot about this and I just turned away once I am done talking on this one, dont want the answers. It goes like this, when first hearing summon on John 15 talking about laying down ones life for friends, i was like no, paster, i definitely have someone i would like to give up my life. I am not saying I am judging people but I definitely can feel people’s character by seeing their eyes. And when I saw this girl’s eyes, its just as beautiful as oceans. But i didn’t expect this feeling happen at the first. But after we ran into some coincidences, this feeling just booms. Crazy Love helps a lot at that time. She is really an inspiration during my struggling deciding to be a Christian.  And she fits every tiny part of my expectation of a girl. After seeing brokenness of this world and tasting much of them, I don’t think this can be real. She drags me out of the hell and I don’t think she even knows that. I want to be around and support her because life for myself is already dead and she gives a meaning to it.

But why do I feel upset then?

What do I expect or what do i hope from her? Some responses because I like her?

It’s interesting because i dont even know my definition of love is correct. I don’t know even what parents love is like. i dont know how hug feels, how should i behave when people offering a hug. I feel nervous and panicked, but on the other way, it feels warm and makes me wanna cry. 

People have hope in this world and love accordingly, but once they can’t get things back as hoped, most people just behave wrongly.  I have felt so much pain and have seen so much pain in this world when this happening. And the pain is so enormous that i made up my mind I would love regardless and respect people’s priority. And this is the choice I made.

I think I do like her. I like her so much. Even thinking about this makes me annoyed so much. I don’t know God’s plan for this though I’ve been praying.

I will try my best to stay around and be supportive. Least I can do.

I pray for all my friends here maybe not even just BCF. Thanks that I can see some bright side of the world, I am blessed knowing them and being saved. I pray for a little ups and downs in life for a better understanding of love & loss so they can know treasure and love better. I pray for protection and guidance and healing. I wish them the best of the world can give, you can give.

[benlovej-blog]

to live is Christ

I felt confused this night just as those many other nights, different memories&thoughts lingering in my head.  I remembered I kept writing them down before college, deperately annoucing the shiny part of this world and love in my small silly blog, and hoping my friends can feel the same. And stopped after the first year in college. I didn't know how painful I was at that time, but enough for me to stop the thing I've been doing for almost 10 years. Shanghai is pretty famous city. But students like me from other parts of China would simply not enjoy it.  Regional discrimination is just extremely seveve. Studying in UM-SJTU Joint Institute with 90% Shanghainese students, you would experience how it feels to be isolated. They would still speak dialect and they know you don't understand it. And then you know you would never experience how it feels group study or team project. And you would be probably mad or more likely sad. Some of us were lucky enough to find each other and comfort each other, however, some of us never had a chance and buried themselves in solitude.  I was lucky enough to make some good friends and get to know some nice professors but then came some sad stuff. During spring break of 2012, I was playing basketball with Haotian and he was killed in an accident the other day(the guy who drove the ferry was drunk and refused to go back to search him after dropping him into the water). My academic writing professor Alex with warm smiles, we were having a nice class on Friday and this is the last time we met. Weeks later news came he committed suicide. Jason Daida, from Umich, taught me how to be a true engineer, gone because of cancer. Masako Iwamoto who completely saved my college life that time, went back to Japan after this. It felt worse hope come and go. Rather never have it. I don't have much with family. I treasure school life. I viewed friends as my siblings and viewed teachers my parents. I put much hope in college when struggling in competitive high school life. And when I got into this so-called top university and thought finally I can have family here. It just failed me. Life is hard...... For almost 4-5 years I was like a walking dead, felt nothing. Though I still believe good thoughts boldly at the bottom of my heart, I stopped trying to share them with people around.  I wanted support from my parents when feeling sad and frustrated but always ended up a terrible quarrel.  Basically, I want them support my idea that people should love others and think good of others and think good of this world, but they just want me to care about myself, be defensive, or use others for own interests.  I cried so much after every quarrel and felt extremely tired. I understood it they work in govenment and they thought this is the way to protect me. But how terrible this world would be if people were like this.  Wierd as it may sound, I played parents to myself and told to myself that don't give up those good thoughts and its ok, its ok, its ok to cry. It was such a mess and I dont know how to describe that scene.  I was so torn that I should know my parents love me and I love them but I just dont feel that way.  And all those turned to strong self-hatred.  Because I am the living counter-example of my beliefs.  Actually I feel scared with my parents, the only time they won't criticize me is when I got first place in exams, not even 2nd place. And for 20 years of my life, study is the only thing they talked to me. My father even tears my book(the count of Monte cristo) just because it's not relevant to school.  I didn't know what to do then to please my parents. What can you do if you already are the first. I wanted to know how it feels to have a hug and to have a "its ok, child"(>< I just cant stand to see such scenes in church).Then I started to hate study, because whether I did good or bad, my parents won't care about me anyway.  And later it went worse.  I started to entertain myself into those dark thoughts hurting myself and carried out some of them. And suicide was on my schedule and I just gave up hope in this life. And then I am here with BCF and Near West family, though still a little different from my dream, it is the best year I have ever been. Also, I know about Jesus and God and know that he preserves my heart in this long journey. Finally I found backups for the first time of my life, love nature(this is how i interpret holy spirit before like the ultimate goodness) and love others is the right thing. Passion, ACW, CG, or even just time with each other made me feel less stressful to live in this world. I grew a lot during time with BCF.  I started to pray so hard every night for each everyone of them.   However, after the excitement becoming a Christian, thoughts and doubts flares up from time to time. Does God love all the people or just his people? If he loves just his people, why we have new-believers like me. If he loves all the people, then why some people dont come to Christ until they die.  Sometimes I felt something but why pastors said we were far from that(like dependent on God). I felt panicked,"am I feeling good about myself?" Paul said to live is Christ and to die is gain. What does it mean to die is a gain?  Am I being tempted to death again? A easier way to escape from this life(also escape his plan for me to live on)? Actually, I don't even want to know the answers. I don't know where those come from. But I love JESUS so much and I want so much my friends in college can feel it too. On Weds, I was thinking of myself failing to invite college friends to our church and felt in a lost. I planned so long but those words never came out when they came.  I felt terrible.  I also felt sad being with BCF(not saying this is not good) because I am not confident with myself.  I can't stand myself being with those pure and loving souls because i feel i am away from it.  Anyway, BCF is just great. "you don't know about real loss until you love something much more than yourself" says Robin Willaims   If possible, I want to interpret these feelings(fear of losing) as a sign that I really love them more than myself.  Except from spiritual world, they pulled me out of the hell in this practical world. And I just want to say thanks to all. And also, destination has been settled and I would not be afraid to wave a little bit with those people alongside in this journey. Really really appreciate it. Don't know what to say now. Maybe next time >< good night. Dont forget to pray!