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Dear Bertie, I have rather a pressing question for you. Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses? Food for thought and all that.

By Jove, that is a pressing question!

To be perfectly honest, I’d rather not fight at all. Bertram wasn’t really one to swing a fist in his youth but rather one to catch it with his face, and I’m afraid that hasn’t changed a bit.

Though if I had to choose, I’d probably pick the horse-sized duck. It’s only one target, you see, and while ducks can be quite vicious, Jeeves in his infinite wisdom told me their hollow bones are quite easy to break. And if I’m allowed this pedantry, your question did not specify exactly what it means by horse-sized. So if the duck is the size of one of the hundred duck-sized horses, well then it’s just the regular duck-sized duck, what?

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Hallo hallo, good Bertram! Hope you don't mind this silly fella bothering you for a mo', but my sister is terribly hungover and nagging my ear off. Would you be so kind as to indulge me with the knowledge of the oh so famous Jeeves-restorative? Would be much appreciated!

- With love, one Jonas "Sonny" Smith

Cheerio, sunny Sonny!

My, that is quite the sitch. I’d love to help you, you know, but I fear I haven’t got the bally faintest on how one goes about such task that is Jeeves’s restorative. I’ve once inquired about the recipe, the step-by-step-by-steppety-step right at the beginning of everything, don’t you know. But Jeeves said the details are secret, and all he will say about it is this:

The Worcester Sauce gives it its colour

The raw egg makes it nutritious

The red pepper gives it its bite

Gentlemen have told him they found it extremely invigorating after a late evening

So I suppose you could try mixing the sauce, the egg and the red pepper together with different quantities and maybe a few other ingredients. Make an experiment, of sorts, see what works best. If there’s any develop. in that regard, do write me! I reckon you’d have to be a real brainy bird, though.

With all that, I hope your sister won’t be too awful! Sorry I couldn’t really help on this one. And you may write me whenever, my friend – think not about bothering anyone.

Till then, pip-pip!

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You might one day find yourself in an interview quite like the one in which I found self today at the bus station (I usually take a cab or a stroll, but alas). It went somewhat like this:

DOG: bark bark!

DOG OWNER: Oh, shut it, you damned beast.

DOG: bark!

DOG OWNER: Behave.

DOG: …bark!

At this point the dog owner heaved the animal off the ground and paraded it around the bus stop. He said,

DOG OWNER: All right, I’ve had it of you. Does anybody want a dog? A dog, anyone? Only three pounds.

And, as an interjection, I mean today’s pound sterling, mind!

DOG OWNER: No, that’s still too steep, innit? Let’s make it one pound eighty.

DOG: bark!

MYSELF: I think you have to give someone money to take that beast, at this point.

DOG OWNER: Careful, that can be arranged, you know. Would a fiver suffice?

Luckily, the bus came and helped me out a bunch. I don’t think Jeeves would have much approved of a dog in the home, what?

Anyway, I don’t really know what exactly I had in mind that I told you this story, but well, here it is.

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Dear Bertie,

How are things with you and Jeeves? I just wanted to say thank you for starting a blog here, your stories are always a very pleasurable read :33

Hallo, hallo, crazy thing! (I say, that is a topping moniker you have. I shall have to adopt it into my vocabulary.)

Well, first of two, I have to thank you! For reaching out and reading my stuff and whatnot. It’s very much appreciated.

Second of two, that is to say lastly, how are things with Jeeves? Just in the pink! He is mixing up another of his life savers, one against the heat, you know. Minty and refreshing that is, and marvellous he is. Say hello, Jeeves! You might have heard him calling from the kitchen.

But between us I don’t know how long this quiet will hold. I have my eye on a particularly spiffing pair of socks at the mo., if you catch my meaning, and might have to risk the peace at home for every chap’s battle of looking dapper at the club.

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Chap sounds like a good fruit – I don’t like them either!

P.G. Wodehouse really did not likes aunts, did he

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My aunts, whenever they feel Bertram is especially incompetent, if thats the word I want, have come to ask, “Bertie, how have you even survived all these years before you made the only right decision in your miserable life and employed Jeeves?” Which might be a bit harsh, but is not untrue.

Here is my answer: If only I knew! It’s a good question, that. It’s a definite cert that I couldn’t go back to such dark a time, anyway; just the thought makes me shudder!

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Since joining “tumblr” it has come to my attention that Jeeves and I are being shipped by my audience.

I say, what?

I say, I don’t much like it, to be perfectly honest. As much as Jeeves walks among us mortals like a Greek god, and as much as I revere his intellect, I shan’t want to have another bally ocean cruise so soon! He can bring me brochures of the Galapagos with the morning tea all he wants, the y.m. shall remain firm!

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i must continue history…

do it jiggle?

I’m afraid I don’t know what these words mean in this context, but I’m certain you must, and I’m certain it do.

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“Oh, dash it!—” I call. I’ve spilt ink all over my manuscript. My hand is blue.

I hastily right the inkwell I’ve knocked over and hold the soaked, almost dripping piece of paper – unreadable. I throw it in the waiting bin. Stupid Bertram.

Jeeves enters. He takes my inky hand and presses a warm, wet towel to it. It feels soft in my palm.

All is well.

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“Well, Jeeves,” I sometimes say to – well, Jeeves. “If you catch my meaning,” I often tack on.

I say it just so, as it were – that is, without any line or rhyme to follow it. It’s always a good thing to say whenever the heavier mood strikes, don’t you know, and it’s all the better when Jeeves, every time, answers,

“I do, sir.”

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I saw the loveliest ducks yesterday when taking the idle promenade through the parks of the metrop., and they rather made me think.

The ducks, I thought, always swim in these sort of packs, if you know what I mean. Seldom do I see them alone.

Which only made me think of my poor rubber ducky at home who had no one of its kind. Sort of makes one all melancholy, what? Blue, as they say.

And well, really, there was only one thing I could do! So instead of one rubber ducky, I now have six, for the reliable half dozen. It’s a bit more cramped now when I bathe, but it certainly isn’t lonely anymore.

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There is so much to Jeeves’s person that I hope I capture even a fraction of it in my stories, though such endeavour might be doomed from the beginning. It is certainly an elephant of a task.

But here’s the real head scratcher: I realised as of late that I never really put forth an image of that man! The illustrator of my books has yet to have the pleasure of meeting Jeeves, don’t you know, and his perspective must be in some way skewed.

Thus, I (finally) present: The ever elusive Jeeves (as per Bertram W.)

I did give my best, but alas… with the little notes I thought you might “get it”, as they say, just the tad better.

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I was at the Drones the other day, as I so often am, and I was asked the most curious thing. I can’t remember who exactly it was that asked me, it must have been someone I don’t really know and who doesn’t know me either, because he said to me, don’t you know, he said:

“Bertie, why have you stopped writing about your adventures with Jeeves? They were rather delightful.”

And I said, “Well, thank you, old chum! If there is one thing I’m—”

And there I stopped to give the Wooster brow a good furrowing. Because I haven’t stopped writing, you see? Or if I have, then someone forgot to inform me, which is a bally low thing to do. Tactless, even!

And, so I thought, since I haven’t stopped writing (one only need to look up my name in the Archive, there are quite many works by yours truly, and new ones every week) I ought to be more visible. I asked Jeeves how to fare further, and he suggested having a blog that links to my works would already do much to put me on people’s radar.

So here I am, I suppose! I will have to see how much I will be posting, but whenever I have the time, I shall have a visit.

Until then, do have a look at my stories. Pip-pip!