beyae-miko

[beyae-miko]

“The right person, the wrong time. The right script, the wrong line. The right poem, the wrong rhyme. And a piece of you, that was never mine.”

— K. Towne Jr.

[beyae-miko]

Yes I enjoy my own company alone but sometimes, I wish I had someone who would call me anytime just to check if I’m doing fine or not. I wish I had someone who would voluntarily hang-out with me. I wish I was more open to people to have that someone in my life.

[beyae-miko]

finally found a tumblr post that best describes me

“I am mentally ambidextrous. I could see myself in a mirror and see something beautiful. But in the same day I could see my reflection and despise everything about me.”

— @fidds6 (via fidds6)

[beyae-miko]

craving for this kind of friendship

I have never been good at maintaining friends, not here, not in my real life. I have friends, close ones, best ones, but not many, not even a few. And they know they are it for life. They don’t know my issues- at times, but they understand- always. They do not cut me off when I cancel one too many plans. They do not know that sometimes sadness doesn’t let me leave my bed and face the sun, but they understand that sometimes I just can’t make it. They do not know that video calls and phone calls give me anxiety and so we go for weeks without seeing each other or listening to each others’ voices, but they always give me time to call them on my own. They know that at times, I nag, a lot, for no damn reason, but they always let me get it out of my system with a genuine smile on their adorable faces. They know that I will never remember the dress they wore on some special occasion but they also know that I will always remember their important days. They know that I am the most dramatic person they will ever meet, but they love me for it. They know they will never get anything sugar-coated from me, but I am the sweetest when I can be.

They know to give me time and give me space. I know sometimes I am too much but they love me for who I am and I am never giving them up for any exchange.

[beyae-miko]

“Inhale, exhale. Breathe in the silence, breathe out the screams of my mind. I wish it were that easy. The world is blanketed by quiet at this time of night, yet the inside of my head reminds me about everything and more. From the mundane to the spectacular, the taste of nostalgia never quite goes away. It lingers on my lips and coats my tongue. It tastes sweet, but the aftertaste is always bitter. I don’t say very much these days. I try to laugh and smile more, but I don’t know how much of that is real and how much of that is me just trying to even the score. Too many frowns frowned, too many tears shed. Too many fears realized in such a short time. However, there are still sunsets to bask in, and still moonlit nights to hold close. More laughter to make and music to listen to. More smiles to see. More good memories to create, even if it feels like the universe is caving in on itself. At least, that’s what I want to believe. I want to believe there’s more than the heaviness that some days can turn getting out of bed into a workout. I want to believe that I’m worth it, that the fact that my heart still beats means something, even if the tempo isn’t always normal. For now, I’ll just keep breathing.”

— maxwelldpoetry - Breathing Difficulty

[beyae-miko]

to all the boys who've loved me before

To the boy who sent me ily,

I know I have hurt you so deeply. You never told me about how you felt when those words came out from my tactless mouth but I have heard it from your friends. Being young at 15 years old will never be an excuse for you to forgive me but I would always say sorry to you even you are not asking me to apologize. What I did was wrong and pathetic. Sorry for making you feel that way. Seeing you happy right now with your significant other made me happy as well. I hope she would never treat you like how I treated you before.

To the boy who threatened me,

I've always knew you were never genuine with your words the moment you confessed to me. You never had romantic feelings for me. You were only craving for affection and attention. I could make a list of girls you told that you loved them. Wherever you are right now, I hope you are doing good and learned from your mistakes in the past.

To the boy who secretly liked me,

Of course, I could have chosen you. I could have said yes to you but you were too afraid to lose something special, I guess. If you were only honest and brave, then we could've been together. However, I am no longer assuming things from you. I have always knew you had something for me even though I have never heard any single word from you that you like me. I could feel it with your actions and comfort. I guess it's better off this way. I will always appreciate you and someday, I know you will find someone that you will make you feel the same way as you felt for me.

[beyae-miko]

02-22-2022

It's 2sday! I still don't have any idea how Tumblr works when in fact, I used to have an account before where I write all of my thoughts about certain things that either made me happy or frustrated. The reason why I created a new one is because I feel like I needed a way to vent out the thoughts and emotions that I have been bottling inside for years. I just wanted a way to escape. Turning 22 was pretty hard for me and made me realize a lot of things about my life. I always try to convince myself that I am surrounded by people that I call as "friends" who would be there for me at all times. I belong to a lot of groups. People that I hang out every free time. People that I just randomly message when I have questions that myself cannot answer but I have no one that would call me in the middle of the night. I have no one that treats me special. At first, the solitude was peaceful but now it's become insufferable. The isolation I once enjoyed is now suffocating to me.

Sometimes, I think I am the problem. Every time I feel left out, I slowly distance myself from people because I just don't like the feeling of surrounding myself and calling people as my friends who don't even make me feel comfortable always. It's not their responsibility to rebuild the closeness and friendship we used to have. I am sick of being alone all the time. I also get tired of giving updates about my life to people who don't even care. I was never someone's first choice but instead, they only choose me when there's no one better available. I crave companionship. I want people to appreciate me because of being me not only because they feel like I needed some encouragement to make me feel better.