bhedd

[bhedd]

Hello, Doctor! Fancy bumping into you here. Who would have thought? You look as ferocious as always, heh!

Since I'm already in the midst of writing, I have a proposition for you, Doctor Beatrice von Hedd! I was thinking, since you got a knack for poaching and I got a vermin problem (and enough gizmos to choke a herd of elephants), how about making it an exciting outing into the treacherous heart of the jungle? I'm positive the both of us could learn a thing or two about... hunting.

What do you say - you, me, and all the weaponry my drones can carry?

Darling, you had me at "ferocious", and it just got better from there. I can't wait to see what you can teach me, Doctor.

This Friday, twelve o'clock, outside my manor. Don't be late, I'm looking forward to this!

[bhedd]

That's a non-issue, darling. I'm counting on you!

Alright, question. Does anyone have the number or address of one Crash Bandicoot?

I need it for my own personal reasons that none of you have anything to do with.

Thanks!

[bhedd]

The number or address of the animal Crash Bandicoot? Isn't that advanced. If you find it out, please let me know. I have business to attend to with that creature.

Alright, question. Does anyone have the number or address of one Crash Bandicoot?

I need it for my own personal reasons that none of you have anything to do with.

Thanks!

[bhedd]

That might be true actually, Jacob. My clever little monkey. It really did light a fire in me, that stays lit even today!

This really made my fingers itch, do you want to go for a quick hunt with me, Jakey?

What was your upbringing like?

Very normal. But I was only allowed to join the hunting parties once I turned five! Other children my age had been hunting for years at that point. I guess that's something that I've always tried to make up for. But I don't dwell much on the past. I will say that I'm doing much better than all of them at this point. I guess my parents spared me the humiliation of being too small and falling off the horses.

Speaking of my parent, I had a cordial relationship with them and my brother. Their untimely demise was very tragic, or at least that's how the press described it. If I'm honest I didn't notice much of a difference.

[bhedd]

What was your upbringing like?

Very normal. But I was only allowed to join the hunting parties once I turned five! Other children my age had been hunting for years at that point. I guess that's something that I've always tried to make up for. But I don't dwell much on the past. I will say that I'm doing much better than all of them at this point. I guess my parents spared me the humiliation of being too small and falling off the horses.

Speaking of my parent, I had a cordial relationship with them and my brother. Their untimely demise was very tragic, or at least that's how the press described it. If I'm honest I didn't notice much of a difference.

[bhedd]

where did you find your henchman Jacob?

I bought my cute little monkey from a traveling circus. One of the best purchases I've made, I must admit.

[bhedd]

Dr. beatrice tell us, what do you know of Nancy's "husband's" species, as an ethologist & minor zoologist you must know more. See Nancy's husband recently shed skin...

My, this is an old one. Nancy... Oh, that music teacher? Hm. I wonder if she's still around. And her husband... I have no idea what his name was. I hope you don't expect me to remember this. He was supposed to be some sort of alien, wasn't he? So as to why he shed skin, perhaps he was a reptile. I never got to make his aquaintance.

It was pleasant to be addressed as "Doctor" for once, though. If you're still out there, anonymous sender, you are welcome to write again.

[bhedd]

Ah! You are forward, darling! I like that. Make that 30 dollars an hour and we got a deal! We can renegotiate your salary once I see what you go for.

Hello you! From what I have gathered, you are the hoot and the holler around here now. Racking up spenders left and right! So if you are planning on making this serious instead of wasting your talent on these small side-hustles, do let me know, darling. Unsurprisingly, death is a lucrative business.

Kind regards, Dr. Beatrice von Hedd

…….. good evening, ma’am.

Talent! Ha! Yea, okay.

I’ll issue a guess that you’d pay me a few thousand bucks to scamper on down to your billionaire masquerade party where you and your elite friends can all stab me in the guts while wearing fancy little animal masks in your ritualistic perv basement.

If i’m right, that’s where we part! If i’m wrong? Speak. But spare the sugar. This fly prefers his vinegar over the honey. Get me?

[bhedd]

exactly how rich are you?

That's not really a polite question to ask a lady, is it? Like asking about age. What you see is what you get, darling. No need to get so specific.

Either way, I would grow bored before I can type all of the zeros out, and it'll spare you the trouble of googling what kind of "-illion" it is.

[bhedd]

Oh-haha! That was not quite what I had in mind, no. When I wrote to you I had the idea that we could hold an auction for you. How much would it take for you to agree to getting shot in the head? Whatever it is, we can put that as the starting price, because I know there are people willing to pay millions for such an experience.

However! Right now I am in desperate need of a babysitter. So I would pay you to keep my monkey, Jacob, entertained. He keeps picking apart his toys, so I need something more sturdy to occupy him with.

Once he's gotten bored, we can think about the auction idea again, what do you say?

Hello you! From what I have gathered, you are the hoot and the holler around here now. Racking up spenders left and right! So if you are planning on making this serious instead of wasting your talent on these small side-hustles, do let me know, darling. Unsurprisingly, death is a lucrative business.

Kind regards, Dr. Beatrice von Hedd

…….. good evening, ma’am.

Talent! Ha! Yea, okay.

I’ll issue a guess that you’d pay me a few thousand bucks to scamper on down to your billionaire masquerade party where you and your elite friends can all stab me in the guts while wearing fancy little animal masks in your ritualistic perv basement.

If i’m right, that’s where we part! If i’m wrong? Speak. But spare the sugar. This fly prefers his vinegar over the honey. Get me?

[bhedd]

BEE! Ohmygosh. Okay, so when you mount heads on your wall, do you save the bodies? Zombie heads are fun and all, but it's even better when you have headless zombies running around too!

"Zombies"? Please, there's no such thing. And no, I don't save the bodies. I take the parts I want and if Jacob doesn't want it for his art or the large hole in the backyard, we get rid of it.

So there will be no "running around" in my house, thank you.

[bhedd]

How would you define your relationship with N.Thropoid?

A better question, darling, would be; how wouldn't I define my relationship with Jacob?

[bhedd]

I would just like to announce that I will not be going on Titanic 2. My friend Clivey has invited me to way too many press conferances for this project. The Jurassic Park-thing was fun, and I appreciated Titanic 2 the first time. The second time was fine too. But the third? No, thank you.

[bhedd]

What you think of the Pink Mask??

I don't think about the pink mask at all, to be honest. It seems friendly enough, at least compared to the blue one who just calls me names every time we interact. And it calls itself a deity. Name-calling is not very "godlike" behavior if you ask me. Or mature for that matter.

I don't even know what the pink one does, now that I think about it. It was something with death I'm sure... And if it's anything like the blue one it's activism too.

...Is it campaigning to make funerals free maybe? No, thank you on that. Death is a lucrative business. You just need to own some ground to make a killing. Ha! The bodies have to go somewhere.

[bhedd]

Oh. I see what's going on. No "quid pro quo", thank you, Odious. I'll fold.

Jacob, use that 2/10 effort to let mommy know if you need to be picked up, alright?

Have fun you two.

My fellow crew members have raised concerns about me “leaking intel” to the enemy, as I do live under the same roof as one of them.

I want to put the allegations to rest by saying I only partially informed Beatrice of our operations! See: I numbered the letters in the alphabet 1 through 26, and if Bea ended her question with a letter of an even value: I told the truth but with an uneven value: I told a sneaky little un-truth..!

Very excited to see where it all goes. Go team!

[bhedd]

Excuse me?? Forgo contact? I am not having any of that, Odious dearest. Especially not with an ultimatum that bad. "Stop talking to Beatrice or forgo contact". Tsk. This legal battle is looking pretty bad for you once I sue you for custody.

And Jacob, darling. You sneaky monkey. If you're going to pretend to fall for his little "do it for me" manipulation tactics, I expect daily texts at the very least.

My fellow crew members have raised concerns about me “leaking intel” to the enemy, as I do live under the same roof as one of them.

I want to put the allegations to rest by saying I only partially informed Beatrice of our operations! See: I numbered the letters in the alphabet 1 through 26, and if Bea ended her question with a letter of an even value: I told the truth but with an uneven value: I told a sneaky little un-truth..!

Very excited to see where it all goes. Go team!

[bhedd]

Fork-knife? I think that would be one of those sporks with a little knife on the side. I funded a startup for those once -- got pretty popular if I remember correctly.

It is not, however, a relevant "youngling-thing".

So..! What do you younglings do for fun, these days? Is skipety bippety poppy playtime toilet still relevant?

-Uncle Rosch

What??