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august-september

these past four or so weeks have been quite the learning experience for me.  i realized how important it is to take care of yourself (it means everything).  i'm really good at making myself feel ill and so, i'm really good at making myself believe the worst in any situation to the point where sometimes it spirals out of control.  i need to be stronger and stop doubting myself.  i need to let things be if my decisions don't work out in someone else's favour and stop caring about how i think they'll react.

i need to move forward and let go of the past (aka things that are completely out of my control).  

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re my last text post -

i let it happen to myself; i got too carried away.  i ended up going to VGH on friday to get my blood tested, because on sunday, i started feeling incredibly weak and lightheaded at work.  this whole week, i've been feeling so exhausted to the point where i had trouble walking without feeling like i could collapse at any second.  it was a terrifying experience and fingers crossed that it'll never happen again, but i think i've learned my lesson that i need to start taking better care of myself.  

i can't remember the last time i had a decent uninterrupted sleep.  i told the doctor at the hospital that i've been having chronic nightmares for the past few months or so and he thinks that anxiety is the cause of all of this.  

i've already started making drastic changes in my life since that unfortunate visit to the hospital so this never happens again.

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visvim life.

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when you spend so much time out and about that you forget how important it is to reflect and to be documenting your memories at least more often than once a month.

lately, i've been so overwhelmed with trying to catch up on everything - aka my health (namely sleep) and general well-being, with everyone who matters to me in life, with product knowledge and research, with remembering everything i need to do at work, with being a good full-time daughter, girlfriend, friend, manager, associate and co-editor, with finding new things to be inspired by, with remembering to be more observant and detail oriented.  it's not always easy, especially when you're always on such a tight schedule.  now that i work 32-40 hours a week, i need to spend more time taking care of myself on my days/evenings off, instead of trying to double or triple book myself. 

i mean, it's always nice being constantly surrounded by people you love, but at the same time, i need to learn how to find balance and learn to find true happiness not only in the company of other people, but also in my own company.  back when i worked 20-25 hours a week, i spent a lot of time reading, walking to vanier park and sitting there for hours, just staring at the water and contemplating life, making salads to eat everyday and finding time to breathe.  

i need to start taking better care of myself, otherwise i'm going to be constantly mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

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lately -

leaving my apartment in the mid-afternoon for a few hours to go on a scenic walk and take phone photos, trying to find the right words to say, sometimes succeeding and sometimes not, late nights and late mornings, absent-minded hungover sentences, getting emotional over japanese designs, trying to take things less personally, clinging to a scheme by the radio dept, making killer salads, spending way too much money on food, unnecessary nostalgia, having more time to myself than ever before, being overwhelmed by the abundance of short and long term goals i've set, trying to find time to sit down, breathe, slow down and take it all in.

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i've been feeling overly nostalgic lately, to the point where it's starting to become more than something passing or fleeting.  yesterday, i walked down to false creek to go clear my head and re-read murakami's kafka on the shore.  i walked past that flagpole on the top of the hill where you took me that one time on a date and i couldn't help but relive the memories inside my head.  it all happened at a time when both my judgment and my heart were in an unstable place.  it's always a strange feeling to visit a place that brings back those kinds of memories.  it's bittersweet, i suppose.

it's even more bittersweet that every single time i see you, we both seem to have established our own barriers.  the kind of barrier that makes you feel like we're both being forced to make polite small talk with each other, when you can tell that we're both completely uncomfortable with the situation, but trying not to be.

that bittersweet feeling of missing the presence of someone who used to care about you so deeply, but perhaps doesn't care at all anymore.

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i know i've been silent for awhile, but it feels good to have an outlet to express myself every now and then and -this- will always be the best place to do so.  

jesse and i just celebrated our two year anniversary on the tenth.  that night, before we went to sleep, we spent a good twenty minutes reflecting on the past two years and how much things have changed.  things just keep getting better and better.

i cannot stress how lucky i am for everything that has happened over the course of the past few months.  i started training for my new job today and i just found out that on the first week of august, i get to meet the brand reps for acne, maison kitsune, filippa k and aesop.  this is pretty much my dream job, you guys.  maybe one day, i'll end up working for kitsune or acne = actually attainable life goals now.  

i haven't been this excited about my life in so long, but everything is falling perfectly into place and i am so, so thankful.

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eight months ago, we decided to completely cut off ties with each other.  i'd run into you every now and then on the street or at a social function and i'd always try to say as little as possible out of nervousness and then later, i'd regret not saying what i really wanted to say to you.  six days ago, you got on the number sixteen bus at around granville and broadway and you walked over to the back of the bus and caught me mid-yawn.  i was slightly hungover and not in the mood to talk to anyone, but surprisingly, you came and sat right beside me. you asked me about my life and i asked you about yours.  ten to fifteen minutes later, i got off the sixteen at smithe and had to run to work.  when i got to work, i decided to send you a text telling you how nice it was to see you and that i hoped we could still be friends.  a few days after i ended things with you, i wrote you a letter apologizing profusely for everything that happened.  whenever i'd run into you, you never mentioned the letter, so i assumed you just threw it away without even bothering to read it.  you responded to my text about ten minutes later saying "funny enough i just read your letter for the first time a few days ago.  i think in time we could be friends again."  those 10-15 minutes that i spent with you made me feel so much more at peace with myself.  

 i think it's safe to say that i can finally let go of the past and move on.  and i hope that sometime within the near future that you will be able to as well.

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Three friends look down from a balcony in New Orleans, 1960

by Ernst Haas

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jesse and i are moving in three weeks

it's double the size of the apartment we're living in now

which means i'm going to spend lots of time and $$$ decorating.  this means tons of plants by the windowsill and i'll get to paint!

this also means i'll have a real closet to myself, which is kind of a big deal for me

shanene and i talked yesterday about future projects/plans that we have in mind = potential clothing and accessories line and a storefront?  

i have so many ideas right now and i haven't felt this motivated in so long.

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Team #HAVENSHOP in Tokyo | Harajuku, Tokyo