bigheartbigcrush

[bigheartbigcrush]

thinking about making gluten free brownies and bringing them into revision coincidentally

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prom tonight... if he goes with her and i see a photo of them being a cheesy couple, i will die

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remembering when he told me he likes to do some minor jobs before he does a big one and stared at me unprompted.... i think about that a lot

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I’ve always loved words. The soft ones. The ones that linger. Tell me the ones that feel like they were written just for me.

[bigheartbigcrush]

25/06/25 ★

I think B may have some memory problems or he's quite literally grasping at anything to talk to me when he sees me. I had my history exam and he managed to catch me right afterwards when I was on my way to lesson.

“Oh, how was the exam?” He asked, almost like me, and my friends caught him off guard. I'm around the same height as him since I'm 5'7, and he's around 5'11? My friend said, "It's good, it was good," and we ended up walking away and going to the lesson. It was a brief interaction, but enough to think that he saw me and my friend and decided to ask us.

I saw him going towards the lift upstairs, so obviously, I made a run for where it is on the ground floor to majestically walk past when he got down. He came out of the lift and greeted a cleaner, which honestly just shows how kind he is as a person, and when he was fully behind me, his back turned as he was walking the opposite way to me and he shouted back, "Tia, how was the exam?" and I expected it but replied with a short, "Fine," I just realised I sound like a bitch, whoops.

And then we went to his classroom before my last lesson, and yet again, he was sat in complete silence, in the dark, by himself, just at his computer. He was probably working, but my friend went in to talk to him, and I brought up the fact she completely failed the first question, joking about it because it was hilariously wrong, "Everybody has told me they failed the first question," He said, brushing her mistake off, "I didn't get it wrong," I said, since I was pretty confident, "What was the question?" and I replied, "Two key features of treatment to wounds on the Western front," to which he said, "Tetanus Shot. For the wound," But I swear I have never learnt that, "What did you put?" And all the attention fell on me, again, whilst I'm just innocently stood on the opposite side of the classroom from him, and then I pretended to forget what I put (I put Thomas Splint + Plastic surgery). And it was a little awkward so I said, "Well, we should probably get to lesson," and he said, "You have two minutes." Like, am I delusional or did he lowkey want me to stay?

Everything seems so miniscule and meaningless when I look back, but in the moment, when it's happening, it's huge. Anyways. I think the angels around me are finally listening to me pleads since B and A (his girlfriend) haven't been parking next to each other, nor have they been openly speaking to each other. Hmmmmm.

[bigheartbigcrush]

in another universe, you still don’t love me back, but in that universe i’m able to accept that as the truth.

[bigheartbigcrush]

24/06/25 ★

With all my mocks and that, as well as my dumb school changing the way it is structured, I've barely seen him for the last couple of days. Most people in my year were at another college trip, only fifty people could go and there were all courses I wasn't interested in, so I didn't end up going.

But, he stood outside my maths classroom, looked directly at me, and just sort of walked away. Perhaps it's because he also hasn't seen me all day. Maybe he thought I wasn't in school.

I saw him again just before my last lesson, he was stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall, glancing over his shoulder, and started walking towards me. He asked if I was going to his revision, which thankfully I was, so I just nodded. My friend made a buzzer noise since she didn't even do history as a GCSE, and he mocked the noise as he walked away. Then, he came into my class during his free period, talking about his lessons being observed since it is now officially his second year teaching (clap for B guys).

Anyway, I went to his revision session, and I'm really not one of eye contact. I don't know if it's because I'm somewhere on the spectrum, but I really struggle looking into people's eyes, like it makes my skin physically crawl, but when he's speaking? I can look him dead in the eyes. His gorgeous blue eyes and his long eye-lashes that I've never actually noticed before.

He sat down on a free desk, explaining the mark scheme and what techniques to use for the best marks at the end and his eyes were flitting over the class but they kept constantly landing on me and he used me as an example, "For example, if Tia got the eight-mark question wrong, I would help her to get it right and by the end of the year it would be her biggest mark grabber," He explained as I was just hanging on his every word. And he also said something including the words, "And I like that," and stared at me but I don't remember what it was.

He was making a joke about eyesight to another student (bare in mind, I wear glasses, and so does he) and the girl said something to do with 'like you can say anything' and he said, "Wow, don't diss me and Tia and (another girls name) like that," And chuckled. He was stood right in front of me and the way he commented on me — the girl who he has never taught, the girl he wasn't completely aware of until three weeks ago and he's saying my name over the girl he has been teaching for six months at this point. Like, okay, damn, just say you love me. And I said something about me not really needing glasses because I have a really low prescription and said something to do with me being a poser and "Just want to blend in, hm?"

He kept asking me questions, but I had a cold and could literally barely breathe, and I said, "I'm going to die," and he went, "You can't die, you're only sixteen. Sixteen? Fifteen? Fourteen?" He started rambling for some reason, "Fifteen," I said, "Why would I be fourteen?" and I guess I said it really defensively because he started going, "Well, you could be fourteen, I don't know," And then for some reason he started talking about how old he was. He was born in the year 2000, which I was already hyper aware of, and in October. Which is also old news. He also said he didn't want to be in the same generation as us. Sadly.

Nearing the end of the lesson, he was asking us if we had any questions, and he hopefully said, "Any questions, Tia?" and I went, "No questions." But I really should've just made one up so I could see his face as he explained.

And knowing my luck, as I was walking home, B actually drove past me. He used to do it a lot, but he stopped as I started becoming later to school. It's actually infuriating since I knew he was probably waiting at the lights whilst I was walking past with one of the boys. An actual idiot.

[bigheartbigcrush]

do you ever look at someone and just think “i’m so glad i met you”

[bigheartbigcrush]

sighing bc my sisters boyfriend loves history and I just know B would kill to talk to him about it... life is so hard

[bigheartbigcrush]

i always get tears in my eyes when i see pictures of him smiling why the fuck is he so precious

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[bigheartbigcrush]

i actually need him in my bed, I'm not joking anymore. i need him underneath my pink bedsheets and to kiss him goodnight

[bigheartbigcrush]

19/06/25 ★

another two exams done and I was stood outside my maths teacher's classroom, talking to her about the exam we literally just did and he walked past and stared at me. He was walking in the direction of his girlfriends class and when me and my friend walked past, he was gone. Like he didn't even go into get classroom, he walked straight past and I think he either went down to the canteen or to his car in the car park. Then, at lunchtime, I saw him get into the lift and when I went outside to watch all the boys play football, he had moved his car away from hers, and there was literally no car in his usual space — so there was no reason to have not parked in the same spot. Something suspicious is happeningggg.

[bigheartbigcrush]

hear me out right, guys wearing watches

[bigheartbigcrush]

18/06/25 ★

literally had the most rollercoaster of a day. got threatened to be punched by a girl I have literally never spoken to and was literally just a friend of a friend — and the worst part is I literally got threatened in front of his classroom and he didn't even care, I was just stood there helplessly.

I was a little shaken up and I was planning to go into his classroom when he had a free lesson since I know he had one at exactly the right time but I didn't end up going sadly.

I literally never saw him all day. It would've made my day a little better if I did. but I went to Mathematics revision and he walked past, stopped, stared in and said something about, "That's embarrassing," about the number of people that was in the Mathematics revision session compared to the amount in his (which was literally more or the less the exact same) and he had his backpack on, meaning he was leaving and that was around 15:26? And yes, I checked the time when I saw him.

I also have a feeling he spoke to my English teacher about getting my name right because in lessons he actually called me by my name, and it was so strange. He always calls me the wrong name first, and I have to correct him, but he just did it straight away. And coincidentally, it's the day after I told B that he keeps doing it and now all of a sudden he's getting my name right? hmmmm...

[bigheartbigcrush]

should I send him an anonymous email with an extract from a poem or is that too stalker of me

[bigheartbigcrush]

GUYS. IM CRASHING OUT. I NEED THIS MAN.