bigtfoe

[bigtfoe]

little update, i’m done with my meds

My symptoms are coming back heavy rn.. still have to wait 6 days till my next hospital appointment.. the drop in energy is alarming and therefore there’s a drop in my mood and motivation. I just want to be okay, goddammit.

Basically, I was on 2 (actually more but 2 that count) different meds. One was to fight the inflammation, the other is medication that I would have to take for the rest of my life to keep the illness in check. We’re still in the trial and error phase. The inflammation went down heavy with the meds I got 2 months ago, but I’m not supposed to be on it longer than that. Now that that’s done, I’m on nothing. The meds to remain in remission, we found out, are too mild for me. So I’m starting a stronger drug next week. But the illness is getting worse and worse in the meantime, all my symptoms are coming back and I feel miserable again. When will it end?

[bigtfoe]

hey, im still around, though haven’t updated in a while,

everything is still going great, i’m almost completely off the heavy meds and have a hospital appointment the 16th to discuss how we go from here, I feel remission in near, so that’s amazing.

Still drawing daily, still learning Japanese daily. My bestie and I officially made plans to go to Japan/Korea in April 2026, so I want to be fluent by then, which I think is do-able in 2 and a half years. The coming 3 years is really all coming together honestly.

One of my biggest accomplishments rn is that I kept my living space neat and clean for 3 weeks already. I know that doesn’t sound all that big of an accomplishment, but I’ve never been able to keep it clean this long. Cleaning is more and more becoming a habit and I finally have more energy thanks to the meds. But I suddenly suffer from backache bcs I don’t think my body is used to all this cleaning and moving ^^’

Looking forward to December & “the grind” in January, where I’ll add my styling course (i once bought a at-home styling course, but never finished it) and singing classes to the list of things I’m learning (aside from Art, Japanese & Meditation) I’ll work more on my hygiene like skincare etc too. Slowly adding more and more things and functioning like a normal human being, that’s all I want.

Rn my biggest challenge is food/dieting. I sworn off ordering food, which is great, bcs I don’t have that money anymore lol, everything is so much more expensive now. I’ll be fine, I know I’ll be. If this bitch can clean just bcs she wrote it down on a to-do list, this bitch can eat healthy too. I eat a lot better, I just need more consistency.

I don’t have a lot to talk about, but I’m excited for the 13th, new Red Velvet album babyyy!!

Have some art:

[bigtfoe]

hey hey, it’s been a week of living alone again and..

I’m so so so good.

I’ve been on a journey to clean my entire house and make like an inventory of everything I have. I’ve done most of the bathroom and all of the kitchen, today I did the closet and tomorrow I’ll do the couch & bed storage. Now I know what I have and what I need to buy if things run out. I want to finish that before the new month starts. Then a little ikea trip to buy some stuff like a reading lamp so I can finally start reading again.

Other than that I’ve been drawing a lot, but less of the studying, because I spend my days cleaning now, which is fine. I’ll work harder in November. Same with Japanese, I mean, I’m still doing both everyday, just focussing on my house for the coming days.

I also started my diet officially! This been my breakfast, lunch & dinner for the last 2 days:

This is def more than what I used to eat during ED days, so I’m proud.

I’m also trying to sleep more, but unfortunately, because of the meds I wake up a few times at night, but because I don’t have to be anywhere and I can spend my day however I want, it’s doable. I had study dates with 2 of my friends separately this weekend. Made me feel like I had a life. Going out and studying, me? Crazy.

Also started my mindfulness journey and am mediating every morning (afternoon) and every evening (night)

Also maybe tmi, but I’ve actually been showering and brushing my teeth everyday.

Aka, I’m kinda.. doing everything right??

Coming friday, I’m going out for the first time in a year and it’s a very interesting location, but I’ll write about it after.

Byeee

Ps. My mom made it safely to NZ :)

[bigtfoe]

Look at my planning so far! I plan to finish it for the coming 3 months on Tuesday. I’ve officially been planning for the last month, working out every single detail, working out how to get to every single goal. I’m so proud. Planning will be a continuous thing ofc, but the foundation of it is almost done ^^

My friend’s officially leaving today, crazyyy.. Will update on how I’m enjoying my free space!

Also wishing my mom a safe flight

Today’s art practice:

[bigtfoe]

Oh yea! Dropping some art I’ve drawn over the past few days following an art course ^^

[bigtfoe]

Long time no checking in,

You see, there hasn’t been much to talk about. I’m still sticking to my plan and my plan is getting bigger and more detailed. I’m really just living life rn, I feel good. The weather has finally cooled down and I feel cozy and relaxed again.

Tomorrow is officially my friends’ last day at my place and I’m cooking for her. We’re both so relieved that we finally get to have our own spaces again. I’m planning to study ever harder, now that I don’t get interrupted by her coming home before dinner time. It’s just that she studies outside and I study inside, but I also sleep a lot longer, so when I start studying she’s basically an hour away from coming home. And when she gets here, my attention is divided. So no more distractions! I still always finish what I want to finish tho~

The meds work amazingly. One side effect is the huge bloated face unfortunately, but I know that when I get off the meds it’ll turn back to normal. I’m already happy that the side effects aren’t worse for me. We’re about halfway through. I took meds for the past 4 weeks & will have to take it for 5 more, but continuously lowering the dose. We started with 8 pills a day and are now down to 5 a day :) I’m sure I’ll be in remission soon.

I had (hopefully) my final therapy intake. They wanted to talk to my mom and I think it went okay. I don’t know when I’ll finally get the answers I need, because they can still tell me they can’t help me with my problems even if I’ve been having intakes for like the past 5 fucking months. I literally sought out therapy in April 2022 and I’m still not getting the right care. Every single time they tell me I need more extensive help and they sent me away just to be on another waiting list. It’s like the more help you need, the longer you have to wait. Sure, I’m doing better than ever, but I also have deep rooted mental health problems. I was literally suicidal from June to early September. Like, I could’ve killed myself in the meantime. Just saying. The meds working and the proper care my new hospital is giving me really worked wonders. If it wasn’t for that, I dunno.

My mom is leaving the 16th too. She’ll travel until march and I’m excited for her, but I’m also feeling slightly uneasy. It involves so much risk every single time. I have aerophobia myself, so I can’t help but worry. I just want her to be safe.

The 11th & 12th we spend some days together where I told her my plan and she loved it. Anything that needs financing, she wants to & can finance. I’m blessed with an amazing mother, who came a long way from not believing in my mental health problems to fully supporting me in every way. Those were 2 very very good days, I’m gonna miss her.

Last weeks’ bday with the besties was perfect. I’m so happy with the people that surround me. Keeping my circle small and cutting off toxic people, including the rest of my family, has been nothing but a blessing. I truly love all 5 of my friends and we’ve all been friends since I was 12. They’re the OGs. With two of em I have a study date next week~

I’ll check in again in a few days, when I have my place back & my mom made it to New Zealand safely :)

Look at this Kimchi jiggae I made!

[bigtfoe]

heyaa

I started the 7 day diet challenge (more a change in diet than a diet-diet) and it was def doable, my favorite meal of the day was what I had for breakfast. I think going forward I’ll focus on cooking healthy breakfast with variety, instead of focussing on dinner. Keeping dinner the one thing that’s pretty much the same throughout. Why didn’t I think of that before?

The hardest part was how full I was after I had the salad I had for lunch, but I also gotta remember that my IBD still isn’t entirely stable yet and that when it is, I won’t feel so full and nasty all the time.

Also, I’m gonna try to wake up earlier once my friend leaves. Because I basically eat breakfast at like 2 now, giving her space to get ready and leave the house too, making eating lunch harder, because I could so easily just skip to dinner. Speaking about dinner I had Curry soup, was good and not too filling. Though, the package said I basically ate for 2 people, but I can’t wrap my head around that if the whole package fits in one bowl. I won’t obsess over it either.

I’ve been very consistent with Japanese & Art. I’m on a 32 day streak on Duolingo already, which isn’t necessarily much, but it means I’ve been doing Japanese for like a month consistently. The bigger part of studying Japanese is outside of Duolingo though. I started my art course again about a week ago and I’ve been extremely consistent too. Something I was scared I wasn’t gonna be, so I’m proud af. I have every little thing planned on a daily basis and I don’t have to think much, I just do. At night, I think a lot though. Thinking of getting back into reading before bed, but that would mean I’d have to buy a reading lamp. Soooonn

Plans for next week is spending time with my mom before she leaves for 6 ish months, my final therapy intake and then saying goodbye to bestie.

But this week the squad and I will celebrate other besties bday by solving crimes (playing a crime solving game) and hang out. Just hope I can keep to my diet challenge until Oct 10th, even while staying at besties.

[bigtfoe]

me again,

everything is overflowing rn, in a good way. Am I a little obsessed? Sure. I basically can’t sleep, all I can do is think about my future and everything I want to do. Writing everything down etc. It’s been like that for a week already. I also hit everyone up to discuss what major events are gonna happen until the end of the year. Suddenly I’m going on a day trip for Christmas with one bestie and a 2 night New Year spa weekend with the other bestie.

My mom is officially gonna travel until March, which means my friend can stay at her place until she gets her own house back in February. Which then means that October 16th bestie is gonna leave for good, instead of coming back for January. I can tell she’s excited to have a place to herself again and I am damn well too to get my studio back. We’re parting in a very healthy way. I knew taking her in was one of the best decisions for the both of us. My therapist and other friends were like “are u sure?”. Yes, I was then, I am now. We brought each other so much. It’s like it was meant to be this way. I feel like I got a lot more back than I sacrificed for the last 7 months. And now it’s coming to an official close. We’re still partners in crime, so we’re gonna see each other often too. She gets to drive my mom’s car and now lives closer to me than her own place the next city over.

Also decided on my first tattoo I wanna put in January!! Yes, still studying hard, still taking meds, still waiting for therapy.

Super excited about it all,

Byee

[bigtfoe]

hewwo

my friend and I decided to go to some sort of art night at a museum 2 days ago and though the organization could’ve been better, we were able to do what we wanted to do. We had some alcohol and then we went to- I wouldn’t say a workshop, but a room where we could write a letter to our future selves. They’re basically gonna mail it to us in 6 months, which should be around march. According to my plans, by then there are some things I would’ve wanted to accomplish or do, so I wrote about that. It was therapeutic and I hope I’ll welcome it positively next year.

After that we stood in line for over an hour to get a card reading. Since the wait was so long, we were like one of the last people who could still get a reading before the whole event was over (bad management yes). There were people in line behind us who had been standing there just as long just to be send away. But somehow it felt like it was meant to be for us to get that reading. Both my friend and I are in some kind of transitional period. The full scope of it is something I wouldn’t be able to explain in a few sentences, but basically, both our lives were shit. We’ve always been dealt a shitty hand since the beginning and we’ve worked so hard to now get to a place where we can leave all that baggage behind and start fucking living. We’re 27 and 25. Both of us went through or now have serious therapy and we were both at home without a job or education for years. We’re finally at the beginning of an actual fruitful and fulfilling life. She’s a little bit ahead of me, because I came down with my chronic disease, but since that’s finally ‘getting fixed’, I’ll be right behind her. We both have plans with what we wanna do the coming 3 years. And with the card reading we basically wanted to have confirmation about whether this is it.

My friend’s question was “am I on the right path”

And her cards, representing past present and future in that order were:

- be spontaneous

- strengthen your positive emotions

- might

The whole reason we went to the art gallery is BECAUSE she’s in her spontaneous era. Since we’ve both been shut ins for a while. I tag along for now mostly to support her, because I’m personally not ready to put myself out there. But I’m working on it. She is though. Going to random events, having dates, etc etc

For me:

- clear up the old

- keep your childlike spirit

- enlightenment

And it was perfect.. PERFECT.

It’s exactly why my friend is in her spontaneous era and why I’m not. I’m still busy clearing up the old shit. And it was nice to have the confirmation that I’m not wasting my time doing that. And that I NEED to do it. Because a lot of people tell me “why don’t you just do this and that now, why wait?” Because, honey, that would only make me feel miserable. Doing something while not actually feeling comfortable doing it.

The second card was scary accurate too. My 3 year plan revolves around me going back to my core, inner child and childhood dreams. I’ve always wanted to be a singer/performer. But because of all the trauma that was in the way, I sat on my potential for years and years. And that potential and ambition grew too big for my body. I’m ACHING to make something of myself. The card gave me confirmation that yes, this is the path for you. The lady who did the reading also mentioned childhood trauma that I have been and will be be dealing with and yea, I’m starting therapy for my personality disorder soon.

And the last card, enlightenment, as the future card, now c’mon now.

The question I had asked was; am I able to live more up to my potential next year (2024) and by the looks of these cards. Yes. Let’s fucking go.

Byeeee

[bigtfoe]

heya, just checkin in with myself,

It’s only been 5 days and I’m doing so fucking well. Creating a realistic plan that I know I can stick to, plus the meds that are working, equals intense motivation and fun. I don’t feel like this is some kind of high that will wear off soon, because it’s literally what I’ve been waiting for for 2 years. Ever since my IBD symptoms started, I wasn’t able to do anything and go anywhere, because I was really sick and weak. Now that the meds are working and I feel myself recovering, I feel like I’m finally free to do anything it held me back from doing before.

I’m legit studying art & Japanese everyday and making hella visible progress. Throwing meditation into the mix soon as my friend leaves.

+ therapy that’ll hopefully start in oct or nov

Eating wise, I’m doing a challenge the first ish week of oct, where I eat three meals a day (yes omg I finally can again!!); breakfast will be sourdough bread with toppings, lunch will be an optional cheeseburger salad and dinner will be soup. Back in the ED days I’d legit only eat a bowl of soup everyday, I lost a lot but I know it wasn’t healthy. So this is a healthier version of that and something I feel like I can keep up. I’m also on a journey to try every type of soup my local grocery store has to offer, so for that challenge I’ll try pumpkin, asparagus, ox tail & curry soup. It’s only a challenge for 7 days, but I’m just trying to see how I’ll like it and what I can add to or subtract from it for a sustainable diet/lifestyle change for the upcoming months. Will also be making kimchijiggae or soondubujiggae one of those days uwu

I love my friend sososo much, but I’m so excited to have my freedom back and especially sleep whenever I want

Checking in again soooon

[bigtfoe]

it’s a miracle, after two years of wanting to off myself, I finally found light at the end of the tunnel. The meds are working, but I still have to take em for 7 weeks, so the effects so far have been mild. After that I can live with my IBD by taking simpler meds to keep my body in remission. It’s been 2 years of heavy symptoms and finally there’s a way out.

Today I wrote down a 3 year plan for myself and it seems very do-able. The final three months of 2023 I’ll be working on:

Physical health: IBD remission, losing weight & walking more

Mental health: therapy & meditation

Skill building: Japanese & art

I should have my final therapy intake next month, I will focus on losing weight & meditation as soon as my friend leaves & I should be in remission by the end of November. I’m already making a lot of progress in Japanese, like fr, I’m having Japanese convo’s in my head. Art is something I want to pick up again this week. The only thing that’s a tad bit shaky, but I’ll try my hardest to be consistent.

Then 2024 is truly the year of change. I won’t reveal too much yet, because I don’t want to jinx it, but I have faith in myself.

I’m already happy if by the beginning of January I’m in the low 100kg or high 90kg. It’s do-able. I won’t overdo it, I promise. I’ll take losing weight easier than I ever did before. IBD changed me, I just wanna be healthy, not skinny.

*Also, I won’t be weighing myself up until I’m off my meds. My meds have side effects that can cause weight gain and a swollen face. I won’t stress myself out. I’ll stay far away from the scale until at least November.

[bigtfoe]

why has this turned into somewhat of a diary

[bigtfoe]

Another fun fact about me. Mid june, the hospital started fucking up my meds and after 2 weeks without (and calling the hospital every day), I came down with a high fever and my friend had to call an emergency line to get my meds ASAP for my chronic illness. Ever since then, I’ve been feeling suicidal yup yup, if this was America, I’d sue.

Note; yea i changed hospitals since then and am finally getting new proper meds next week cuz the old ones didn’t even work properly, i could literally kill my previous doctor

[bigtfoe]

Living with my friend has started to take a toll on me, i love her deeply and she loves me deeply. The problem is however, well lots to unpack, I’m physically ill, so I’m home 24/7, she recently lost friends and doesn’t have immediate family she’s close with, so she’s home 24/7 unless she leaves the house to study at the library or go to the gym. To be clear, she’s staying at my place for reasons. She’s expressed her frustration with not having her alone time and is leaving tomorrow for a 2 night hotel stay to have a break and it’s a dang good idea, but I don’t think she realizes how at my limit i’ve been feeling too. For months. She’s just more vocal about it.

She’s brought me plenty living with me, she takes care of the household chores and in turn she stays at my place for free. I’m sick so having her around the house is a big help. The other way around I offer her a place to stay and encourage her in everything she does to get back up, she’s been going through a lot. We’ve been amazing for each other,

Ofc it has it’s downsides too. I’m someone who’s very isolated, since she stays in my studio, we can’t not be around each other, so I’m being forced to socialize. It’s in my nature to always be in high spirits around people I love, the last thing I want to do is put them in weird places or make them feel unwelcome. I think this comes to me naturally and it’s not hard to do, unless it’s not appreciated. The situation is not ideal, so I give her all the space she needs. I don’t want to micromanage her at all in the way she goes about her day.

One of the fundamental things that’s so hard for me, is that I never knew she’d stay this long. Her circumstances involve an overseas stay gone wrong. She had rented out her place for a whole year, but after a month overseas, she was in a crisis and I told her to come home and that she can stay with me for now. She took a plane home and the next day she was at my doorstep. That was 6 months ago. It all happened very fast. Yes, I invited her in, but the initial idea was that she’d figure things out and would go overseas again at one point. I thought it would take max 2 months, but it didn’t turn out like that. She’ll get her house back in Feb 2024 and has been staying here since April. My mom is going overseas for the months half of oct, nov & half of dec and has offered her her place for that time. In December she’ll probably come back to stay another 2 ish months and then she gets her house back. In total that’s 9 months.

I think it was around July where it really started getting to me. It’s not like I can kick her out or want to kick her out. One of the bigger problems back in July was that I sleep in (cuz I sleep late, but I’m also sick so I sleep a lot in general) and she would wake up earlier than me and then always had to make her signature breakfast, which would wake me up, since we live in a studio. I hadn’t naturally woken up in months and I felt like a zombie. She would also immediately turn on the TV while eating and then stay watching for hours. Now that has changed a bit in the sense that we talked about it and tried to solve the problem. I now wear earplugs, she does wake up and makes her breakfast, without TV and then she leaves for the library to study. I do wake up during this process but fall right back asleep when she leaves after. So it works better now. She did confess to me that she now goes to the library so often to kind of escape and have her alone time.

Back then I felt a little better than I do now healthwise. I’m still waiting for the right meds, long story. So around that time I also stayed over at another friends’ sometimes for days at a time, mainly to give the friend staying over at my place space too. She would have her alone time, but since I was staying over at another friends’, I myself never had alone time. That was the hardest time for me, but I never took it out on her or anyone. The only time (cuz the library visits weren’t a thing back then) that I was alone was when she went to the gym and that be two hours max. In those 2 hours I watched my shows to unwind and have my space, but when she found out I waited for her to leave to watch my shit (bcs I, most of the time, gave her the remote), she was offended. That was my alone time though. She said I should “take up my space”, but I had no problem with her watching so much TV as long as I got my alone time. My phone is entertainment enough and if I really needed to watch something, I used my headphone.

The last 2-3 weeks ish I’ve been home a lot, because of my illness and now she, understandably, feels like she doesn’t have any alone time. So she goes to the library every day and goes to the gym in the evening almost every day, but it isn’t enough for her. I get that, because how can you truly have your alone time outside.

But what upsets me is that in the last few weeks, she came home and was immediately irritated. There would fall an uncomfortable silence until she felt like she could be social again. I’d be home, now with my alone time, doing my thing and she’d come home and fill my space with negative energy. I’m also a very soft person myself in the sense that I move softly around the house (yes, a huge part of it is trauma). I don’t like loud noises and try to make the least sound possible (not consciously). She’s the opposite in the sense that when she does the dishes, the plates clash loudly, she walks loudly, drops things often, she’s a little harder in how she moves. So when she’s annoyed, the sounds become louder too. She’s also the type of person to cuss loudly when she drops something or something goes wrong and then the energy shifts in the room, as to make it everyone’s problem. I’m all for cussing, it’s more of a problem with how the house then centers around her mood. I remember one of the only times I seriously dropped something and I immediately apologized, because I startled the both of us. I’m not a push over (anymore), but I do have a problem with apologizing more than I need to. It’s just the difference between us. I’m more people oriented, whereas she’s more self oriented and I feel like we complete each other in that and learn from each other. Neither is bad, it just needs balance. Like I said, I’m not a pushover anymore. I’ll always be my own number one, but my friends’ comfort and happiness is mine too. So when I make a loud noise, something that I find icky as well, and on top of that scare her, my immediate response is to apologize.

When I was feeling suffocated, I still always try to make her feel at home and at ease, I left the house, while sick, so that she could have her space. The friend I stayed at usually came over to my place, but with my friend at home, I go out of my way to go there instead.

It’s also the way that I sense her annoyance, sense her desperation in life and what she’s trying to accomplish, so I always try to encourage her. When she tells me she’s on her way home (aka, my alone time ends and she might come home in a mood), I often send happy stickers or emoji’s back, making her feel welcome, which she is. When she’s irritated or downright upset, I always ask her if she wants to talk about it and it ends in me encouraging her for hours, which I would do on any normal day, but then the next day she comes home and is irritated again.

She’s been struggling in life and after the overseas debacle, she really needed to rearrange her future and I’ve not only been her number one supporter in that, I mainly put her on the plans that she has now (and the plans before that, that also didn’t work out. A plan btw involving her traveling more, but using my house as a homebase, which she never did, so hence why we’re breathing down each others neck everyday for the last 6-7 months). She’s going back to school and I don’t want to take all the credit, but I def gently pushed her in that direction and truly deeply support her, because I want to see her succeed.

It’s like I emotionally do so much and I sometimes hear a thank you, which is enough for me. I’d do this for her and my others friends any day. But it’s hard when she comes home to your own home and brings home a mini storm, especially when I try so hard to make her feel welcome and give her all the space she needs. With that I don’t mean alone time necessarily, cuz I can’t give her that rn. I need my home. But I do mean that she can do whatever she wants at my place (she even brought a guy over and fckd on my bed), she can smoke her weed everyday (cuz I know she needs it), while my window has a suicide lock and doesn’t open very far, she can use all my stuff, my clothes, my everything and I have mild complaints. Her stuff is literally everywhere and she freely uses my space also without having to ask. I can’t be any more supportive of her than I already am and I so get it that she wants this weekend away, cuz trust me, we both need it. But something still stings, like everything that I’m doing is not being seen or felt or enough. I have to remind myself that our living situation is not ideal. But i also have to remind myself that I’m giving it my all and deserve appreciation. And I know she’s trying her best too, but I just wish our defaults were the same. To just be pleasant to be around, even if there’s so much going on. I’m sick af for god’s sake, like I have so much right to be pissed off at everyone all the time, but I choose not to, because they don’t deserve that. So I wish she had the same energy for me. I know she’s trying and yea she gives me lots of emotional support too, but I don’t make it her problem when I’m feeling like shit. If something is up with me it naturally comes up in a conversation and she offers me emotional support whenever. I only become quiet when she actually hurts my feelings, which happened like 4 or 5 times in the last 6 months. I’m never rude to her, but yea, I can’t just act like my feelings aren’t hurt and so I crawl back into my shell to process wtf just happened. Usually we talk this out after a few hours. Something that gives me major anxiety, but I do it anyway. I practice communicating my hurt to her and vice versa and we try to talk it out and see where the other person is coming from. In that we really do treat each other with respect.

Last week we had our most “explosive” argument (trust me, it’s not explosive at all). I have a decorated wall and it’s very DIY, so it’s pretty fragile. I noticed that whenever she made her bed and “whooshed” up her blankets, the things on the wall would come lose. This wasn’t a problem until she started living here. The couch, where she sleeps, is pretty near the wall. I don’t often comment on things around the house. She’s the one that cleans, so a lot of my decorative stuff in the house is not in it’s original place. She even broke one of my decorative pieces (twice) and my couch, which was already broken, is now even more broken, because of the guy she brought over (aka, her responsibility). It’s because I noticed that one of my pieces was in a weird position that she said something along the lines of “yea, oh yea I broke that, but i glued it so thats why it’s in that position for the glue to set” and I was like “oh” cuz why didn’t you tell me yourself in the last few days? But i let it go. 1 week later, she dropped the thing again and till this day, that thing is broken in its spot. When I mentioned it she said she was gonna buy super glue at one point, but like, communicate. I was just looking at that for a whole month going “so is she gonna fix it?”. All this to say, yea I do give her space. I decided to not fuss over my decorations, because after she leaves, i can just put them back in their place. It’s not that deep, but that wall is though. She told me “take up your space”, “if there is a problem, just tell me”. So I asked her to be mindful of how she makes a bed, because the things on the wall have actually been falling off at that point and more were coming loose. Since she’s the one that cleans the house, she has a lot more to say on how I do things and I always oblige and try to be mindful of things, apologizing for not noticing or whatever. But instead of going “okay, i’ll keep it in mind”, she started defending herself by saying that the fan we had on in the direction of the wall (mind you, we had this fan on for maybe 4 ish days, 2 months ago) also played a part and that it isn’t entirely her fault. So I answered “I think it’s because of the fact that there’s more movement next to the wall that they’re coming loose”. I mean, all my decorative stuff (on a stand against the wall) had also all been moved, so I knew it’s because she created a lot of wind and movement in that corner, mixed with her making her bed, that those things were falling off. The fan, that hadn’t been on for two months in that general direction, had little to do with the fact that a lot of those things were coming off at that moment. I was like ?? I wonder why she felt the need to bring that up, but we both dropped it and she said she’d keep it in mind.

A few days later, I was in bed and she started to make her own bed and I saw her do the “whoosh”thing again, to which I commented “hey, the wind”. Like, I wasn’t annoyed at all at the fact she forgot, like that’s really not a problem, that can happen. If anything I commented on it playfully. I expected her to just be like “oops forgot, sorry” or “oops forgot, i’ll be mindful”, but instead she said “well, I’m tired af and I just want to lie down”. I didn’t reply to that, it felt like it was an answer filled with ego or pride and I didn’t wanna start an argument. But then she proceeded to defend herself again, unwarranted, talking about how it’s not just her fault and that the fan also played a role. So not only do you not admit that you just simply forgot, you also feel the need to push back as if I was blaming her for doing something horrible (or something that she didn’t do, but she did, because those things were factually coming down because of the wind she created with her blanket). She felt the need to defend herself AGAIN, while I just (for once) simply asked to be careful. Then I retaliated by saying “the fan was in that position for just a few days and it was like two months ago?” So now suddenly it became an argument, which wasn’t at all necessary. “I’m just saying it isn’t all my fault”. I was astonished, I literally sat up in my bed and was like “(name).. it’s okay??” and she was like “yea I’m just saying” (but obviously, she was annoyed in her tone). She said “remember when one of those things came down when the fan blew in that direction?” and then I remembered that indeed, one of those things came loose back then, because of the fan. But it still didn’t have anything to do with right now. So i said “oh yea, i forgot about that, but that doesn’t have anything to do with rn” and we were both silent after that. I was so upset about that all night, my illness even flared up. She tells me every time, since I struggle with it, that I can tell her anything. So when I finally speak up about something that bothers me (because that DIY wall took ages and a lot of people helped me with it and put love into it, so it’s very important to me), I just wanted her to be like okay, I’ll be careful, just like every time she asks me to be careful with something. It felt like I actually didn’t have the space to voice something and to be very fair, this is my house. I don’t ask for much. 4 years ago I stayed at her place for 2 months, she had just painted her walls and I slept on the floor (yup, she didn’t want me on her couch..), everyday I had to get up and I held on to the wall for that (I’m physically pretty weak lmao). My fingers left oil stains on the wall and when she, understandably irritated, pointed it out I felt so guilty I almost cried. I apologized and never touched that wall again. I just wish she just had an ounce of that energy for me in the current situation. I never came at her irritated either.

The next day we talked about it and actually argued instead of our usual level headed talks. She didn’t wanna admit she was being defensive. She even said she felt gaslighted by me, because I threw the whole fan argument away and in her eyes pretended it never happened, even though I had admitted in the end that I simply forgot it did damage to the wall. But the whole fan argument was so unnecessary, why bring it up if it had nothing to do with the situation at hand in the first place. Anyway, eventually she admitted it was because she’s been irritated and stressed lately and I let my tears flow, cuz that I can understand. I thought it was just her pride (which I still think played a part). I mentioned to her that I wished that she’d be more aware in the future on how she relieves her stress and that it shouldn’t be taken out on me, especially when I never take things out on her and her response was kind of along the lines of “moments like that will always happen between roommates”, however, it does always come from her end. I have different outlets. And we are barely roommates, I’m your friend that helps you in need. This wasn’t a chosen arrangement, I feel like the least you can do is not take your stress out on me. Anyway, we ended the convo there.

She told me yesterday she booked a hotel, because she needed her alone time and I’m again all for it. I don’t take it personal at all. I could use the alone time at my own house too (in the last 6 months, i’ve been home alone for 24 hours, ONCE, while I could stay at my friends’ house for 5 days at a time just to give her space). But I still feel some type of way and I also think that’s fair. She basically clarified that her irritation lately is because she needs alone time. I don’t mind that she is irritated or needs her alone time. What I do mind however is that she took that irritation out on me.

All in all, we’re both waiting for the time she’ll stay at my mom’s place. She’ll even get to borrow her car. Both me and my mom go out of our way constantly for her and I know she goes out of her way for me constantly too, but I just wish she handled it better. I wish that if she’s stressed she’d have another outlet and would not make my safe space unsafe. Just like I do everything in my power to keep the space safe for her. I get that it’s not easy to live with a sick person and you have to clean up after her all the time, but I really try to make her feel at home and I’m always thankful.

Long ass rant but I needed to write it out and really put in perspective my thoughts on this. We’ll just have to hold on for now. We’re best friends, but best friends aren’t supposed to share a studio like this. I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone. Anyway, the situation just sucks. I’m sick and mentally ill, she has a hard time and is stressed about her future, we’re both just trying our best. One more month and we get that well deserved break. And in february, she’ll move back into her own house. By then, hopefully, the new meds work and I have finally started therapy (intake process takes a while). We’ll be fine.

I think a bug just went up my nose ffs

[bigtfoe]

Yea so, after struggling with my ED for years, I’ve actually been a stable weight for a year now, crazzyyy. However, it’s the biggest I’ve ever been. I’m (more) realistically giving myself about a year and 4 months to lose about 55kg, like shed a whole human lmao. So yea, I’m back bitchess, with a vengeance

Stats

Height: 1.72cm/5’8

Highest weight: 117kg (257lbs)

Current weight: 114kg (251lbs)

Lowest weight (while dieting): 78kg (171lbs), this was in 2018 (ive been fat since i was 5)

Next goal weight: 99kg (218lbs), will buy myself a playstation 5 as reward

(At 79kg I’ll dye my hair, at my ult goal weight I’ll buy myself a full cosplay)

Ult goal weight: 59kg (130lbs), like I’m being reasonable tbh