bitchingintothevoid1919

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

wonder if anyone else remembers that time jcantis were getting real mad that jc fans dared to organize a jc week around his birthday, because it was apparently "overshadowing wwx's bday" or something absurd like that. what was that all about?

although, jcantis are always getting worked up over non issues. remember that time they got pissed at that jp magazine for publishing a poster of the golden core reveal "uwu how come it's got jc and wwx?!?! how dare you split up wx?!?!" crazy stuff

......it is funny to watch them lose their shit over non issues, i admit (provided they're not harassing people).

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

watching people malding so hard over the md//zs hard cover vol 2... im having the time of my life. i hope they release another cover featuring side characters so i can point and laugh again

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

ive cracked the code. i understand mq and fx hate now. it comes from a mindset in which someone needs to be directly blamed for all the terrible stuff that happened to xl (that wasn't caused by bwx). and if it's not one of those two who is at fault, then it has to be xl who is at fault, which obviously can't be the case. this is also why sympathetic readings of mq or fx are taken as demonizing xl. if mq or fx's actions are understandable or sympathetic, then to these people, this must imply that xl was being unreasonable or "the bad guy" in this situation.

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

tg///cftwt not beating the jobless allegations.... again....

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

really wish pregnancy was a much nicher kink in fandom................like what you like, whatever, but.. why is it everywhere

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

i've always felt bad for q/yz fans who dislike his ship with yy since he gets barely any fanworks outside of that dynamic. (at least yy fans who dislike the ship get to have "third wheeling hl" and ghost city stuff for variety.) but bro...... that was the funniest way someone could say they don't like qy. yy is not even his teacher?? anyway lmao cope

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

amidst all the albd hype in my for you page, good to see a reminder that the p/t/n fandom has taken precisely 0 days off from clowning. god i wish you people would shut the fuck up for once. go back to being ridiculously horny for the sinners, that's way more fun

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

sighhhh... a///// being relevant again means that people are going to talk about k//b/// again.................. hoping they don't even remotely interact... otherwise im gonna have to start blocking so many people............

. . . . . 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

. . 🕯️ no meaningful 🕯️

🕯️interaction between 🕯️

🕯️k//// and a///// in the 🕯️

. . 🕯️upcoming quest 🕯️

. . . . . .🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

ok sike little bro is most certainly *not* feeling nothing but what am i actually feeling. incomprehensible swirl of ???????? like i don't even know what it is, let alone how to describe it.

(hey isn't that one of the things that tipped her off in the first place? ho ho.)

anyway yeah so literally the only reason i was feeling nothing was because i wasn't thinking about it at all. pushed to the back of the mind, to be forgotten. hence only the occasional spectre.

A week or so later and I can say that I'm feeling nothing. Not even the emptiness. Just occasionally haunted by the spectre, but generally. nothing. Anyway here's the pros and cons of "passing" the screener, as requested:

Pros

It's ultimately the result I was hoping for the entire 2 weeks, and expecting while doing the screener

It's kinda validating, it makes sense that I was relating to other people's experiences

Cons

What if I tell people (loved ones) and they think differently of me

Have to decide whether I want to go for a diagnosis - what are the pros and cons of that?

I mean I guess I don't actually have to decide, I can just put off thinking about it, but won't letting it linger in the background add to the baseline anxiety?

The spectre will haunt me for eternity.

I don't know how to describe the spectre because that phrasing makes it sound really bad. Plus "haunt", that sounds like I'm unnerved and distressed by it. It's more like there's a voice in my head that goes "autism perhaps?" every time I do something that I don't consider "normal" people would often do. Or something that I've heard (accurately or not) autistic people often do.

I think in those 2 weeks before the screener it was mildly more distressing but more cos of the anxiety and anticipation of the screener. But now it's. Neutral, I suppose. Mostly. It's just there.

So it's not a spooky scary ghost but. Some apparition is just chilling behind me and every now and then I look in the mirror and I'm like "dang you're still there?" but it's also not doing anything so whatever, if it's just chilling then so am I.

However! I am kinda nervous about next session because my chillness is, I think, hinging on me just not thinking about the whole thing at all. But I can't just not think about it at next session. But I probably can since my therapist did literally suggest that as a valid option. But am I ok with just going back to what we were doing before and pretending the events of the last 2 sessions didn't happen?

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

A week or so later and I can say that I'm feeling nothing. Not even the emptiness. Just occasionally haunted by the spectre, but generally. nothing. Anyway here's the pros and cons of "passing" the screener, as requested:

Pros

It's ultimately the result I was hoping for the entire 2 weeks, and expecting while doing the screener

It's kinda validating, it makes sense that I was relating to other people's experiences

Cons

What if I tell people (loved ones) and they think differently of me

Have to decide whether I want to go for a diagnosis - what are the pros and cons of that?

I mean I guess I don't actually have to decide, I can just put off thinking about it, but won't letting it linger in the background add to the baseline anxiety?

The spectre will haunt me for eternity.

I don't know how to describe the spectre because that phrasing makes it sound really bad. Plus "haunt", that sounds like I'm unnerved and distressed by it. It's more like there's a voice in my head that goes "autism perhaps?" every time I do something that I don't consider "normal" people would often do. Or something that I've heard (accurately or not) autistic people often do.

I think in those 2 weeks before the screener it was mildly more distressing but more cos of the anxiety and anticipation of the screener. But now it's. Neutral, I suppose. Mostly. It's just there.

So it's not a spooky scary ghost but. Some apparition is just chilling behind me and every now and then I look in the mirror and I'm like "dang you're still there?" but it's also not doing anything so whatever, if it's just chilling then so am I.

However! I am kinda nervous about next session because my chillness is, I think, hinging on me just not thinking about the whole thing at all. But I can't just not think about it at next session. But I probably can since my therapist did literally suggest that as a valid option. But am I ok with just going back to what we were doing before and pretending the events of the last 2 sessions didn't happen?

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

Update: my god that was the longest 2 weeks of my life. but we did the screener today and, how did she phrase it, my result is "consistent with that of someone on the autism spectrum". something to that effect.

well that makes sense i suppose. after all she did notice something, it's not like we just randomly did a screener for fun. and she was right.

apparently the result is just above the cutoff for, i suppose, a reasonable indication of autism. she kept emphasising that this is not an actual diagnosis, i think I can use the term indicator. so yeah it's a reasonable indicator of autism but like. low key? she used the term level 1 (and level 2, level 3), which is terminology I've never heard before but i guess it's like severity, so if i do in fact have autism it's gonna be the lowest severity. which also makes sense. as i said before, i don't feel impeded, not in the way other autistics describe their experiences.

so how do i feel about this? hm. a big dense cloud in place of any emotions. i'll get back to you on that one.

as i said to her, it changes everything but it changes nothing.

might come back and edit this post and add more thoughts later.

gaping void, a yawning emptiness. i think i was expecting some definitive answer. does this mean i wanna go for a diagnosis? well no, not necessarily. man...

hm.... what a strange turn of events......

therapist: ok we probably won't be able to get that for you for free unless you're on [disability benefits program]. but you wouldn't qualify since you don't have an intellectual disability. although you might qualify with an autism diagnosis, since you show some signs.

(this is paraphrased but What.)

i mean it's not the first time autism has crossed my mind - many a time has some autistic person shared their experiences online and i've been like "oh. mood". not to mention that time my friend gave me a helpful pamphlet of career choices she thought might be suitable for me, a pamphlet essentially titled "building your career as an autistic person". (she was like "im not diagnosing you or anything! but your struggles with career building seem to line up with this guide, so i thought you might find it helpful")

but to have an actual qualified professional give their opinion that i have signs of autism? that the way i process my emotions and my general thought process is reminiscent of her autistic clients? that's....... i dunno it's wild.

she's gonna give me the screener next appointment.

i feel like i reacted kinda badly, but in truth it was just such a bombshell. it's only natural that i have an emotional reaction, right? it was shocking to hear.

...

honestly kinda in a way looking forward to doing that screener. but like in an anxious way. like i wanna get it over and done with asap but i gotta wait til next appointment...

as she said (and as i interpreted it), regardless of the results of the screener, it'll give some clarity and guidance into my therapy.

actually she straight up wanted to assess me for autism at first. i think that's the thing where the result is a diagnosis or not.

i was like whoa what. that's kinda scary. i asked her if the assessment was like that ocd screener we did that one time and then she was like ah yes we could do a screener for autism first if you'd prefer? the result of that i think is a recommendation on whether you should be properly assessed, if it's anything like the ocd one.

man...... ive heard from people that having an autism diagnosis can be disadvantageous. and like...... to put it kinda insensitively, i feel normal? like i don't feel impeded in a way that having that kind of diagnosis would alleviate?

i dunno i think i'm getting ahead of myself here.

just gotta wait til next appointment i suppose. it's gonna be a long wait aiyaaaa...

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

what is the point in bringing that up now? genuinely? it comes across like "oh dear this person's gaining popularity, better let the masses know that they were sooo~ baaad~ back then" like. it sounds like what they did was pretty shitty and annoying, but randomly bringing it up now just seems so petty.

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

hm.... what a strange turn of events......

therapist: ok we probably won't be able to get that for you for free unless you're on [disability benefits program]. but you wouldn't qualify since you don't have an intellectual disability. although you might qualify with an autism diagnosis, since you show some signs.

(this is paraphrased but What.)

i mean it's not the first time autism has crossed my mind - many a time has some autistic person shared their experiences online and i've been like "oh. mood". not to mention that time my friend gave me a helpful pamphlet of career choices she thought might be suitable for me, a pamphlet essentially titled "building your career as an autistic person". (she was like "im not diagnosing you or anything! but your struggles with career building seem to line up with this guide, so i thought you might find it helpful")

but to have an actual qualified professional give their opinion that i have signs of autism? that the way i process my emotions and my general thought process is reminiscent of her autistic clients? that's....... i dunno it's wild.

she's gonna give me the screener next appointment.

i feel like i reacted kinda badly, but in truth it was just such a bombshell. it's only natural that i have an emotional reaction, right? it was shocking to hear.

...

honestly kinda in a way looking forward to doing that screener. but like in an anxious way. like i wanna get it over and done with asap but i gotta wait til next appointment...

as she said (and as i interpreted it), regardless of the results of the screener, it'll give some clarity and guidance into my therapy.

actually she straight up wanted to assess me for autism at first. i think that's the thing where the result is a diagnosis or not.

i was like whoa what. that's kinda scary. i asked her if the assessment was like that ocd screener we did that one time and then she was like ah yes we could do a screener for autism first if you'd prefer? the result of that i think is a recommendation on whether you should be properly assessed, if it's anything like the ocd one.

man...... ive heard from people that having an autism diagnosis can be disadvantageous. and like...... to put it kinda insensitively, i feel normal? like i don't feel impeded in a way that having that kind of diagnosis would alleviate?

i dunno i think i'm getting ahead of myself here.

just gotta wait til next appointment i suppose. it's gonna be a long wait aiyaaaa...

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

"don't correct my pronunciation, i'll get it eventually" ok then. btw i heard yu qingyang visited shen ju on qijing peak recently.

ok ok im sorry. it's not like the book is being read aloud to you, obviously you're not gonna somehow magically intuit the correct pronunciations. it's not like they're the main characters in a tv show whose names are spoken aloud repeatedly. haha of course you'd pick up the right pronunciations in that case

right?

pls help

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

wait no i sorta take that back. keep writing those comments. it'll reduce the chance of spoilers being the top rated comment.

can you guys all just pretend that the unt//med isn't the only cdrama you've ever watched. please. so sick of every top comment on these videos being "omg this reminds me of wwx and lwj!!" you look like clowns.

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

can you guys all just pretend that the unt//med isn't the only cdrama you've ever watched. please. so sick of every top comment on these videos being "omg this reminds me of wwx and lwj!!" you look like clowns.

[bitchingintothevoid1919]

to the switch shippers saying "there's no difference between AxB and BxA": you can literally observe a difference in how people are depicting the characters

to the fixed shippers saying "AxB and BxA are completely different ships": only if you make them different

my 2 cents on the whole top bottom discourse: is AxB a completely different dynamic to BxA? No, not inherently. I think it's absurd to think that a relationship's dynamic is solely determined by their bedroom positions. However! Do people who prefer AxB tend to portray the dynamic differently compared to people who prefer BxA? Frequently, yes. Certain traits of A tend to be emphasised more when depicting A topping, vs when A is bottoming.