blackontinder-blog

[blackontinder-blog]

From Mr. Charming to Mr. Poker

Last night Mr. Charming managed to get downgraded to Mr. Poker. He and I have a great time every time we see each other. But the reality is we’re not compatible. He doesn’t bring me any peace. If anything he is too intense for me. Always poking and teasing. Making fun of everything. It’s exhausting. And he’s always asking what I’m thinking about, every little face expression I do. I don’t feel at ease with him. I feel tense like I am trying my best all the time.

We had a couple of drinks at my usual place and vegan pizza (I have to give him that - he always makes an effort to accommodate my diet). The conversation is always amazing. Politics, science, culture, music, etc... but again yesterday I felt like we needed 2 drinks each to loosen up. him more than me.

I don’t want to be with someone who makes it feel like work. It needs to feel natural. Like smooth sailing. Peace and quiet are so rare to find these days, that whenever you come across it you realise how important it is.

so even though I haven’t fully decided yet, I think after my 2 weeks away I’ll have to downgrade him to friend status... it’s hard though, cause I think he’s all over me now. He wants me, I can feel it. But I don’t. So it’s only fair I let him go.

[blackontinder-blog]

Half term - Nigeria 1 - Ghana 0

Have I finally turned into a character from Sex and The City?

I like to believe I am a Miranda wanna be Carrie with splashes of Samantha.

Definitely not Charlotte.. well I guess I am a romantic, but so is Miranda and Carrie. They just don’t live in the fairytale world.

Edij and I spent 8h together last Sunday. The date started as a simple coffee at one of my go-to vegan places in East London. It then developed into a walk in the park, laying down for 2h, a movie at home and Indian food order.

The attempt to not letting things develop in a sexual way was a fail... BUT, I managed not to go all the way in. We had oral sex. I made him come and he made me.. with a little help. He has an amazing body and a huuuuuge .!.

:/ hopefully it won’t hurt me too much

He loved seeing me naked. We have so much chemistry. A lot more than Mr Charming.

And that’s why I say Nigeria 1 - Ghana 0.

I am literally dating two people at the same time... one day Ghana the next day Nigeria.

Mr. Charming and I haven’t had sex since the drama, and last weekend we met for some food in Shoreditch. It went really well... but I can’t avoid feeling he and I are just not right. I can’t see through him, it feels like he has his guards up all the time, and we have been seeing each other for over a month.

I always feel like I am holding back. That I can’t be myself.

And with only one week of dates with Edij, I already feel like everything is natural. That there are no walls. That I can be me. We can stay in silence for hours and it’s fine. I am not second-guessing what he’s saying. I can ask. He tells me. He finds me beautiful. He is definitely attracted to me. He doesn’t speak much but says the right things. And he lives close by.

The only problem is he already said knowing I am leaving probably changes how he behaves a bit. And he is a bit of a party monster, which makes him lazy on weekends...

But to be fair I am the one holding back with him.

I managed to stop myself from seeing him late last night... too much too soon. We had just spent a whole afternoon and evening together the day before.

He probably thought we were gonna have sex if I went over to his. Little did he know my period came yesterday, and sex was the last thing on my mind.

So I stopped myself. And I am so glad I did it.

He didn’t text me all day, and if we had had sex the day before I would have been paranoid about the whole thing.

Same today... still no message from him. I know he is busy, but still... would be nice to get a hello how’s it going?

And this why taking things slowly is really the best here. I cannot trust him. For what it's worth he can be just another guy waiting to jump on top of me and once he gets what he wants he’ll move on to the next prayer.

But still... that doesn’t mean he hasn’t scored. He is great, and we have a great time together. Hopefully, it’s not all smoke and mirrors... and that’s why I haven’t decided what to do with Mr. Charming, and am OK with keep seeing him once a week and see what happens.

I am away for 2 weeks end of this week, so once I am back I will see how things developed.

[blackontinder-blog]

edij

Matched on Hinge. Or actually, he commented on my post saying it was too bad I was leaving.

I engage.

34, works in a cool industry, Nigerian background, easy-going, friendly, pretty direct, seems simple, lives alone!

Met the next day, after a spontaneous invitation from my side.

Had a drink around the corner, spoke for 2h and kissed like teenagers.

Tall, charming, not a lot of facial hair :( - great fashion style, intelligent, flirty, fit, family drive, not sure about travelling yet...

Next day we were supposed to have a proper date. Miss-communication, he thought I had invited him only for a picnic with my friends in the park.

Day after he accepts the invitation Mr Charming didn’t and comes to the bbq.

One of my best friends liked him. Good sign.

He stays for a few hours.

We talk. We kiss. He wants more. I say no. 

There’s something that tells me this guy only wants me for sex. But I’ll wait and see.

One of my guy friends says I need to wait a month to see if he sticks around.

ONE MONTH???? A girl gotta eat... if not him, then someone else...

He says he’s looking for a relationship, ideally... but that he won’t put pressure. 

He knows I am leaving. We spoke about it openly.

He is cool. I like him. Just don’t know if I can trust him

To be defined.

[blackontinder-blog]

Back and Forth

Well so it seems we’re not friends anymore.

I decided to give Mr Charming a second chance, or should I say give us a second chance and invite him for the movies last Sunday.

He was busy, but suggested I’d join him after for a bite.

And so I did.

It was great, chilled, fun, relaxed, flirty... anything you’d hope from a date.

Next day I am busy and it’s his gym day.

Day after I suggest we see each other, he’s working until late.

Day after he is busy, and I am out with friends.

Day after he is busy, even though I asked him to come to a bbq at mine.

I suggest he starts asking in advance, and we make proper plans.

Then he asks what are my plans for the weekend/early next week.

I let him know.

He can only do Friday... 

WHY DID YOU ASK FOR THE WEEKEND IF YOU CAN ONLY DO FRIDAY?

Today is Friday and I can’t. Rather go Salsa with my friends than spend the night with someone who’s obviously, 1.5 months later not willing to prioritise me.

He said he is free tomorrow during the day. I have someone else who seems a lot more invested (check next post). I don’t really know if I should keep seeing this guy. It just seems there’s really no point.

But you know me... 

[blackontinder-blog]

From drama to friends

Mr Charming and I decided to grab a drink and clear the air. After an awkward begining, we finally opened the subject and talked about the drama that had happened 1.5 weeks ago.

He admitted his side and I admitted mine.

There was no chemistry. Things had fizzled out.

It’s sad cause we had a good connection, but the problem is are very incompatible when it comes to sharing our emotions and communicating our feelings.

He is completed guarded and I am an open book. Or at least, I like to give and receive back... and he is just waiting to give. So how long do I need to wait until he is comfortable to give the same level of emotions as me?

The last thing I want is to be in love in 6 months time and heart is broken.

So I said it all and I think he understood it. He does want to be like me, and I do want to be like him, but there are not many two 30-year-old people can do change how they are and the luggage they bring behind.

So we parted ways without really saying it was the last time we would see each other. I still texted him thanks for a lovely time.

He said the same.

Two adults saying they appreciate each other but none is willing to bend the arm.

Hopefully, we’ll both find what we’re looking for.

[blackontinder-blog]

Now, what???

Hey, the week was pretty full, good full! How's it going on your end?

Good thanks - pretty chill I went to Walthamstow Garden party and my friend’s bday. Sorry for taking long to message - I wanted to make sure I wasn’t hanging onto anything. Plus gave me time to realise the things I did wrong as well. Anyway, I’m fully over it and won’t mention it again - hopefully, hang out again sometime if you want to that is.

I was at the Garden party as well both days. A shame you didn't say anything earlier... but understand you needed to take your time to process things.

And now what? I am not ready to say no or yes.

[blackontinder-blog]

After the storm comes a rainbow?

I guess it’s true, what you put out is what you attract. I’ve been putting out drama, so it’s no surprise all I got this week was an absolute shit storm of drama...

They say after the storm comes a rainbow right? Let’s hope that’s the case cause my last week has been the stormiest of... don’t want to risk saying last year, but it sure feels like that!

Where do I even start...

Remember the last guy I was seeing, who I met on Hinge about a month ago? Did I even mention him?? I think so...

He is hot, fit, works for an organisation that does awareness campaigns for the government and other entities, in the importance of physical well being and health. He is Ghanian, grew up there until 10ish, parents are still there, they have a hostel by the beach, he studied politics. He is a family guy. And he is a social beast like me.

He is Mr Charming.

He is also emotionally unavailable, not willing to be vulnerable, and obviously too proud to admit it. Which is the worst kind!!!

How do I know this? Well after 3 weeks of seeing each other, 5 dates, including a spontaneous coffee over lunch, he came for drinks at a leaving party for a friend who’s also going to Canada to work for the same company as me.

He was comfortable, at ease, like a fish in the water, chatting and making everyone love him until his friends show up... surprise surprise, London is a small place, well at least East London is, and so it happens that a good friend of my friend was an ex-flatmate of his, who had invited all his ex flatmates to join the party. Including two guys, black as well, who I had matched with on Hinge... both of them! But had never met, cause Mr Charming and I had started seeing each other and things were going well.

Were going well...

Never trust a guy who says he is fine with the idea of two of his friends matching with his date... and so I didn’t. Fast forward to the end of the evening, we were not in a good place. Things got too intense. I pushed too much... he pushed back.

He said things I hated.

I said things that were too much too soon.

He doesn’t trust women in London.

He will never be the man I want him to be...

I will never be not me... and intensity is part of the deal.

He didn’t admit he likes me and that situation upset him.

I kept saying I liked him, and that he could at least show he acknowledges that instead of saying he doesn’t know me so he can’t trust me.

He left and was still the polite Mr Chaming sending a message thanking me for the night. I said he was welcome despite the drama.

Next morning he says things got too intense for him and he didn’t enjoy the fighting so early.

I said that alcohol didn’t help and I don’t hold on to stuff that happened while we were both drunk.

He replies the next saying he can’t put things behind that easily and needs time. He understands we were both too blame, but he is not used to this level of intensity so soon. And is worried what it might mean in 3 months time.

I said everything I needed to say, in 6 audios... he asked for time. And so I gave him that.

A week goes without hearing a word from him and I head to the Walthamstow Garden party on Saturday.

Always trust your gut feeling, and mine was telling me that I was gonna bump into my ex and his baby and mother.

And so it happened... I entered shock mode. First cried, then said everything was fine. Then didn’t want to admit everything was not fine. So got drunk. Treated my friend badly apparently, and she left. Started talking to a stranger, a hot huge trouble stranger. He took my number but never called me back.

Next day went to the gym. The teacher who had been hitting on me for 2 months was there. I was vulnerable, needy and wanted some kind of validation that I could get what I wanted...

And so a 1h coffee later, he was at my place. We fucked like rabbits. I had to pretend to come, cause he was too energetic. I almost did come... he comes gets up and says he needs to bounce.

I lost it! The rain dark grey clouds had been accumulating all week and it was time to release the storm! Thunders, lightning bolts and a hurricane.

He was an asshole. How could he? Who did he think I was? Someone he could fuck and literally leave? He didn’t have the right, he was rude, and he would never use me like that. 

He was so embarrassed he didn’t know what to do.

He made an excuse about not wanting to get attached... blah blah blah.

He kicked him out and made sure that was the first and last time.

2 hours later I was at the festival again. Against my friend’s advise, I went, took a book with me and sat down listening to music and smoking CBD.

Best decision of my whole week. Just enjoy myself alone. No men, no friends no nothing to upset me.

Until... a group of people, with two very cute super tall black French twins stand next to me. One of them was single.

He smiles, I smile. He smiles, I smile, he smiles, I smile... oh come on!!! Don’t be shy, I don’t bite. But I’m also not gonna make the first move. I was there to enjoy the music and not get another date.

So by the end of the concert, I make my way out and look back one more time, and that’s when he finally gets the courage to make the move and call me. He asks for my number and we say see you soon.

20 minutes later I arrive home sweaty from cycling and have a message from him asking if I am free for a drink. His friends ditched him... I say yes if he is willing to come to Dalston. He says yes, he cycles, sho he’ll be here soon. He CYCLES!

2hours later and a very entertaining conversation about music, science, London, France, Portugal, Advertisement, ex-girlfriends and boyfriends, dating in London, sex... I know he is about to turn 28 in 3 days, he has a twin... he is from Cameroon, born and raised in the suburbs of Paris, studied Medicine and Pharmacy, but decided to move to London 2 years ago to pursue a music production career. Has been working at Clarks to save money, and is about to enrol in a Music Production Management Masters. He doesn’t do casual sex dating, he wants consistency, he’s only done a one-night-stand once, and he is simple. Mr Simple! He is straightforward and very very very French. No games.

He wasn’t available this morning for a coffee but says he wants to see me SOON.

In the meantime, Mr Charming texted - how are you?

I am good actually!

[blackontinder-blog]

Detoxing

The next 6 months are all about me me me!

Which means I need to detox from the things that harm me!

Sugar - been off for a month.

Carbs - had very little.

Alcohol - fail!

Weed - been off for 1 week.

Troublemaker - been off for 2 weeks.

Porn - been off for 2 weeks.

Instagram - been off for 1 week.

[blackontinder-blog]

Why do I always fall?

Why do I always seem to fall for people? Especially if they treat me right, are interesting, cultured, educated, have great conversation, and are good/great in bed? Am I just an eternal giver... I wish I could give without feeling like I am emptying. That it’s just an endless flow of love, and I can easily replace it, with other sources, move on if things don’t work out. But no. I always seem to feel empty when what I give is not returned. When I feel like I am chasing and I am not being chased... arghhhhhhh! I am so tired and done. I just wish I didn’t need human connection and contact. That I could go without sex and being touched, kissed, admired, complimented. 

[blackontinder-blog]

Fuuuuuck, he’s back!

Some things, no matter how much we try, are impossible to change in ourselves. They always seem to come back to hunt us. With me, it’s the impulsive and impatient, emotional and passionate, as some put it, side of me.

For years I’ve been trying to control this fire inside me... the desire to head jump when I feel a connection; the uncontrolled feisty reactions when I like someone and that person doesn’t correspond to my expectations.

Once I realised I can’t really control the emotional personality I tried to manage my expectations. Or even, have NO expectations. Again, massive fail! At 31 I am obviously not the person I used to be at 17 or 25. I’ve been through too much, good and bad. I did great and terrible things, and I was given a lot and stolen a lot.

Today I find myself trying to figure out what exactly do I want, and how do I get it, while at the same time accepting that a huge part of how I get it might be out of my control. Oh control, the other side of me I can’t let go of. I need to feel in control, but how the fuck can I do it if all I end up doing is loose control… the dilemma… be in control while at the same time let my emotions and heart take over my brain, rational and logical side.

So what is the best approach then? Keep going as I’ve been so far? I guess I turned out pretty OK – healthy, intelligent, strong, independent, fit, good looking, caring, humble, travelled, cultured, loving, a giver, hard-working, brave and honest. Honest to myself, my own feelings, and most of those who come into my life. Even if that means they sometimes take advantage of that honesty and the fact that I end up exposing myself and being somehow vulnerable.

And so I thought I was ready, in the right place to let him back in. The troublemaker… the name says it all right? But no… since I was called a troublemaker recently I thought I could turn things around and finally be with him with no attachments.

We saw each other before I went to Canada. It was great. We spoke about Africa, about life. I hadn’t seen him since before Xmas. He asked about me. We had sex. It was great as always. I asked him to leave as I had to catch an early flight the next day.

We didn’t touch base while I was in Toronto. It didn’t bother me… I knew what to expect. One thing did stick in my head though. He said he was trying to be different. To treat people he liked differently. He is 30 now. He needs to change the way he approaches life. I said good for you. I am happy you came to that conclusion…

I got back from Canada and asked if he was around as he mentioned he wanted to go to an exhibition with me… I was like WHAT? You want to see me broad day light, on a weekend?

Ok… why not. I can do this... I can do this… I can … I… FUCK!!!!!

He started saying nice things. He replies immediately. He checks on me. He offered to cook for me. To take me out for dinner. To go dance kizomba.

What did you do to the TROUBLEMAKER I know???

We got accepted to a sex party. We agreed to go... and then he was invited to a private one. He asked if I wanted to go, I said yes, but can we at least see each other before, since I haven’t seen you in 2 months?

Yes. So I went to his place. He was ill. We talked. Listened to music. He hugged me. It felt nice. it felt too nice…. I could sense it. But no. I refuse to accept. I can, I am strong. I am in control.

I asked if he was behaving that way cause I am leaving, so the pressure is off the table. He said no. He said he realised he liked me. That he’s liked other people, and they left, and he treated them wrong. He treated me the same way, but for some reason, I was still there. He doesn’t want to treat me like that anymore.

But wait… WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? Anyway, I decided to put a pause on it.

We went to a house party. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!! YEEEESSSSSSSSSS

He was jealous of seeing me with another black guy. He was bigger than him. He was jealous that a white guy actually made me quirt. He even asked the guy to teach him. It was the second time I managed to let go… before that only with my ex. But for some reason, probably the vodka, the balloons, and the surroundings, I just let go... I was floating, I was happy. I felt so free, empowered, sexy, in control, wanted. And he made it all possible. He was always paying attention to me. I was the boss. He did everything right. I guess it does come with experience.

He told people he liked me. Everyone’s reaction was, well but she’s leaving. Does that mean you’re going after her?? OF COURSE NOT!… it means shit. It only means he now decided to open his mouth. To share. To be ‘different’. NOTHING ELSE. It could have been with me or any other girl he had a connection with… it just so happens I like him too. And I keep coming back.

And then he stayed at mine. We slept, slept, together… we had breakfast in the balcony, we talked, we listened to music. I told him I can’t… I can’t… I’m gonna end up getting hurt. He said I was rushing.. to take it easy. AGAIN… what does that even mean? We’ve been ‘seeing each other’ for 10 months now… there’s no slowing down. It’s literally going nowhere. I want to stop. The problem is I have feelings, and the sex is amazing, and now he showed me a side of me I want to explore more. I want more… I want to have fun before I settle.

We made love that night. He said he wanted me. I was his.

And then the next day he wasn’t there anymore. He ignored my messages. I told him I was done. He apologised. He keeps texting. Asking about my day. But that’s all… WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I know the answer… and I don’t want the same. But I want to want the same. Go back into the Friday booty call box. Go back to not replying to me until the next day. Go back to not showing your feelings. Go back… I don’t want to get hurt. I can’t get hurt. I’ve had enough. I deserve much much much more. You either want to see where things go, and you’re open to committing even though I am leaving. Or you stay in the box. There’s no in-between. It’s black or white. There are no 50 shades of Laura.

[blackontinder-blog]

Oh hello, Friend!

Guess who’s back? The Nomad. And now we’re friends. :D It feels good. We are good as friends. And I have someone to keep me company and work from home with. I don’t even feel attracted to him anymore. And he pisses me off so much with his grumpiness and stubbornness. So yeah.. feels good to be friends. When two adult people can stay in touch and come to the realisation it’s all about human connections and nothing more.

[blackontinder-blog]

Troublemaker in reverse.

Apparently, I am someone’s troublemaker now. We started talking on Hinge. We tried meeting and failed for 2 weeks. Then one Saturday he was around and I was around. We met for coffee. He is fun, fit, sexy, interesting, and available. Nothing happened that day. Next day I ask if he is around again. He says yes. It’s a Sunday, and he agrees to come to see me at 9pm after being home already. We have a couple of drinks. I invite him over to mine. Not the best, but he has potential. He leaves. He texts. He wants to see me again. Problem is he is travelling and then so am I. So it’ll be 3 weeks until we can see each other. And then there’s the troublemaker. Who doesn’t leave my head… But at least I can divide my attention and not get obsessed. He is not great at texting, and leaves some of my texts hanging… I don’t really like that. But honestly, I don’t care. I’m in it for the fun… not really into growing feelings for anyone else. I’ve had enough of feelings.

[blackontinder-blog]

Work in Progress (WIP)

A 45 min coffee over lunch around the corner of my office in Toronto turned into every day messaging relationship that has been going on for 4 weeks. He’s from Ghana, moved to Texas at 7 years old, has the usual fucked up family story, of a father, abandoning mother to have another family. He works in tech and is a salesman.

He is good with words. He texts a lot. He checks on me. And he agreed to do the random question a day. Until last week he ran out of questions. He went a bit quiet. I started freaking out. I messaged him and said I wasn’t too happy with his sudden silence. He said I was coming on strong. That is good to not speak every day. Especially in the beginning. And considering we have an ocean between us it’s really tough to move things forward. He handled my freak out super well. He asked if we can just enjoy getting to know each other. Take it slowly. One day at a time.

Then we spoke on the phone for 2 hours. We had sex phone. He came, I didn’t. I’ve sent him photos. He said he wanted to come to visit me. I said HOLD YOUR HORSES COWBOY. First let me show you how intense, passionate, impulsive, impatient I am and then let’s see if you’re still up for it. Take it or leave it, baby…

And then I almost fucked it up, by revealing too much too soon. I told him all about my ex. He asked. He asked about everything. WHEN DO I LEARN??? Just because he asked doesn’t mean I need to tell all the details… but no, here I go again all honest, an open book, vomiting everything that happened to me in the last year… almost seeming that I am still going through it.

Now we chat. No more random questions.. we check on each other. Almost a month has gone by. It’s simple. No complications. He is not everything I thought he was. He said he is ready to find someone… buuuuuuuut….. he is not in a rush. He is ready to find the right someone. He wants a family. He wants to travel. He wants to give back to his hometown. He wants to help. He is learning how to cook. He is not interested in becoming vegan. He likes me because I am strong, independent, fit, I seem to be good in bed, and he can have intellectual conversations with me. I am not just passing through life, I have a bigger purpose. We’re both a WIP… to be updated as we go.

[blackontinder-blog]

Yaiks, can’t remember his name or where he’s from…

Yes, yes, yes… that’s how I approached my 3 weeks in Toronto. By saying yes to everything. And that included a day rave, with a colleague I had just met, but who decided to adopt me and quickly become a work friend.

I spotted him on the dance floor and decided I was gonna take him home. And so it happened. It was easy.. I was in control. He was hot and sweet. He’s a tennis player and an actor. He lives at his parent's house. He is obsessed with me. Texts me every other day, huge messages, intense messages, videos, photos. Even though I told him I am not looking for anything serious (which is a lie, just not with him) he seemed to get even more hooked up.

Why!!!!!!!!!!?????? Why is it that the ones I don’t care about seem to get hung up on me??? Oh well, if only the sex had been nice. But no.. it kinda sucked. Next…

[blackontinder-blog]

The green-eyed 23-years-old

Sparks at first sight! He works at my friend's company. The minute I walked in I saw him having a proper look at me. And so did I… my friend introduced us, and quickly I had his phone so we could plan to meet on Sunday at the park with everyone else.

He couldn’t stay out that night, but we started chatting and arranged to see each other on Sunday.

He came to the park and we hung out with my mates.

He then walked me home. I invited to come up, we watched Netflix and chilled. LITERALLY. He didn’t make a move. We got close, but no kisses.

We met again another time. Until I asked him how old he was and most importantly was he ready to settle down and have babies. Of course, the answer was no. So I said let’s just stay friends. There’s really no point in ruining what can be a nice friendship with sex. I’d rather have him as a friend than a playmate.

He wasn’t happy with my decision. Go figure?

He insisted a few more times that could make me happy, and give me pleasure, and that if I ever felt like I needed some company, all I had to do was call. Yeah sure… I’ll make sure I DON’T! Lol… have absolutely no interest in having another troublemaker, who’s 23, in my life.

[blackontinder-blog]

The Brutally Honest Fashionista from Haiti (Toronto)

The second person I met in Toronto agreed to have coffee on a Sunday rainy day. We chatted for 3 hours, and then he walked me home. No kiss.

He was funny, but then again so am I. He was chilled and honest. So am I… he was an art director working in digital advertising. Another thing in common… he didn’t like Toronto… ops! :/ Can’t have another Nomad in my life… someone who’s never truly happy about the place where they are but only complain about it instead of changing what they’re not happy with.

Easier said than done I know… but the last thing I want is to meet someone who’s gonna be grumpy and not excited about life in Toronto. I need excitement, a fresh start, novelty, adrenaline, adventure, happiness… and when I asked what’s your favourite thing about Toronto, he couldn’t tell me a single thing…

On top of that, he was a bit too dressed up for me. And not the style I like.

We kept texting for a bit and tried to schedule a 2nd date, but I wasn’t feeling it so decided to drop the ball and cancelled twice.

Back in London, I tried to keep the convo going, by trying the game of asking each other a random question every day -  he said sure. But right after, he said he wasn’t into games or texting… LOL, ok dude, enjoy my Insta stories and see you later. x

[blackontinder-blog]

The Fake Nice from Mali

I arrived in Toronto 2 months ago and decided to dive deep into life there. Really immerse myself in the city, just as if I had moved permanently. That meant going on Tinder and Hinge. In less than 2h I had a match and a date scheduled for the next day… I should have thought RED FLAG, but oh no… I decided to give Toronto a chance.

But as you can already guess, it was too nice to be true…

He was a photographer, investment banker, from Mali, but in Toronto for over 10 years. Tall, good looking, independent, intelligent, sweet, family driven, travel enthusiast… except that he forgets to tell me that all the nice things he said during date 1 and 2, which happened in less than 3 days and were scheduled in less than 24h of chatting, were merely momentarily thoughts he decided to share because he thought it felt good. But when I decided not to sleep with him and kick him out of my flat, thinking I was doing the right thing, because I felt a connection, and didn’t to just jump to bed with someone I had just met, that’s when things seemed to change.

What a fucking child. He stopped replying, he dismissed most of my attempts to schedule a third date, and then gave me the most ridiculous excuse, that I was the one messed up, and confused, and he obviously doesn’t want a relationship cause he’s going away the minute he gets his passport…

Oh my god, how, how, how can someone feel so right and in less than 24h completely reveal themselves and become this distorted ugly shape.

That’s what he became in my head.. a weird dark, ugly entity. That I kissed, and let in my bed but only for a short moment.

Oh well, good that I put a stop to it and honestly, THANK YOU, for reminding me to never never never let go until I truly dig deep and start to unveil what’s on the other side.

But the problem is it takes time, and I am so tired of meeting people. People that seem to be right, to be in the right place in life, to come from the right place, and to want to go to the right place, and then… puff… it’s all gone.