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Of course. My feelings for you was a burden to you.

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I recovered. But why do i feel like i shouldn't have recovered. And just died.

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Today, I deleted my favorite pictures of yours from my phone.

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Nakakapagod na mabuhay

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"Something beautiful died, too soon."

-Oceans and Engines NIKI, 2022

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"Maybe you are not ready for love"

-When Love Arrives, 2015 Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye

Maybe i am not ready for love

Maybe I will never be

but I find it sad that I might never know the kind of love

on how to be held and be treasured by someone special to you.

Am I only destined to treasure others, but not to be treasured back?

Am I only to be the one to confess their love, but never hear the echo of those words back?

I am crying because I feel pity for myself that I am still unloved the way i want to be loved.

I pity myself. That's all. Nobody's fault, but mine alone.

Maybe Love was never for me after all. Though I wish someone would tell me that because I keep on looking for it, and this is getting heartbreaking as it goes on.

I keep asking the question, when I haven't done the action to be actually loveable. no efforts in making myself lovely, skinny enough, funny enough, witty enough to be noticed, to be interested in.

I guess I was asking for too much. I must have been too cruel and undeserving before that I'm now paying for it.

I'm no religious, but I always pray for my turn to be loved. Kahit isa beses lang po. then, pag hindi nag work, then stop na ako. I'll fully accept that it's not for me.

Well, it's my fault for looking for love in one specific person. I was looking for love, but I want to find you in them.

I know. You don't want to do anything with me. Tinanggap ko na yun matagal na. but I keep looking at you, like how Icarus want to reach the sun, but burn himself in the process.

I just want to love, and be loved.

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It was my fault.

I keep on choosing to break my own heart.

But right now, its the only way I'm choosing, as it will be the last way I'll choose for now. At least until someone new comes along.

I'll get by... eventually.

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Fell a little too hard to someone again

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I was walking in Makati Avenue earlier. While i was walking, i somehow missed you. Missed walking beside you, even though we rarely do that.

Unconsciously, I imagined us, walking hand in hand. Slowly. Just taking our time while the world around us was moving ahead of us. Just talking how each of our days went, or just talking in general about random stuff. It was nice in my imagination. There's always a part of me wishes that it happened in another timeline, universe, or reality maybe.

I know. I have to stop. But, I just really can't. I tried. So many times. For the sake of our friendship. For the sake of my heart.

But, "fuck it" i said. I'm already leaving. I'm about to be physically away from you. Might as well reel in all those emotions while i still have time, while im still here. While I can still remember all our mornings together.

Well, the truth? I may not remember everything, but i'll remember you. Always.

My sister said, i shouldn't let you know what i really feel for you. How deep i have fallen for you.

But, as much as I know this will be uncomfortable to you, a part of me won't forgive my self of not letting you know what I felt for you all these months.

I... Can't conceal the amount of love that I have for you.

And i know it won't be reciprocated. I know you don't feel the same way.

But, i still want you to know.

Not to give you guilt of not reciprocating the love that I have. But just plainly to let you know.

I know the end before it even started. But I'll walk these steps again that leads to you because you're worth it to give love to. You're worthy of heartbreak, of tears, of time. You are worth it, and I never regretted anything. If I could have the opportunity to give you the love that I have for you, i'll do it, again and again.

I love you, be it romantically or platonically, and i want you to know that.

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No matter how many sessions I have with my therapist,

I still wanna die. Right now.

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I envy the dead for the peace that they have.

No brain speaking on it own. No need to listen to anyone, anything.

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Backburner even in friendship

Or maybe it was even my fault? Putting myself in places i don't belong.

Assuming that i'm close to someone when I'm really not.

Maybe I'm not even close to anyone at all.

Never connected.

Always open ended.

No genuine connection with anyone.

I know things about people. But they won't even remember anything about me beside my name.

Maybe that's our status, even as friends.

But you didn't have to shake off my hand that way.

Or maybe it was my fault again? Assuming i was close to you that way.

Our interactions lead me to believe that i'm at certain level, and I'm sorry.

Baka nga di talaga tayo close kagaya ng iniisip ko. Baka ako lang ang nag iisip na close tayo in that way. Baka ako lang all this time yung nag iisip na our connection is not just coworkers. I over stepped my boundaries...

As bad as i will sound, you might now even remember what happened. That the way you act somehow threw me off.

Di ko na alam kung paano gagalaw around you at times. Di ko na alam.

Well, ano bang alam ko? Mabuhay nga diko alam kung gusto ko pa ba.

I don't know.

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Loving too much

I love people too much because I was desperate to feel what others feel when they find someone who make the world shine a little brighter.

It was not anyone's fault that I am like this.

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I need to let go

I tried forgetting about you, tried to keep my distance, my thoughts away from you. But I just can't. My brain remembers how my heart feels about you, and I can't but blame myself that everything was my fault that I was not easy to love.

I find things makes me remember how I feel about you. Songs that reminds me of my unrequited love. Things that reminds me to let myself go of the feelings that I feel. Things that reminds me to snap back to the reality that you don't want anything to do with me.

But I sometimes just can't. My brain also remembers those small and big gestures you did that made me thought that maybe you have feelings for me too. But I know the latter that your actions also speaks otherwise.

That you don't.

So I need to let go. I need to physically distance myself from you, to not have access to you perimeter, because I feel everything even when your far, as long as I can see you. It sounds creepy, I know. But it's my senses that made me aware of you.

But I need to move on about something about us that never actually happened.

Our story started as friends, and I guess it should also end that way.

I hope I was in your stories too somehow, because you were the whole book to me.

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I heard a song that i would dedicate and sing to you.

But you'll dedicate this song to someone else.

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I was overthinking and will remember the things you said…

And you won’t even remember that we talked tonight

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Was i really that hard to love?