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blewming · 6 months ago

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January 14, 2025.

My co-star says, “reach out to the person you used to be” —I watched the clouds turn pink today and the skies turn pastel blue while trying to finish my work when I read this. I thought to myself, how do I do that? I never liked myself before and I still don’t like myself now.

I was a bully. Yes, I admit. I realized I was one when I had to confront a classmate of mine when I was a freshman in high school because she made fake accounts telling me that I ruin everything. She had to transfer schools because of it. I never apologized for what I did. I bullied my best friend just because I was too insecure cause she was smart and I was not, she had all the boys she liked, like her back—I did not. I told her things she still remembers up until today and I realized I gave her the trauma a best friend should’ve never did.

In my junior year in high school, rumors spread that I was laughing and was happy when my “close friend” and her boyfriend, who was my best friend, broke up. I was there when it happened and I never liked being there. I still remember how I refused to go but his other friend grabbed me by my hand. I never did laugh nor was I ever happy they broke up. There were people we didn’t know who heard the whole conversation and I didn’t like what they were saying to both of them. I had to tell them off, as a good friend, I smiled..I smiled to those people. I only smiled to seem nice to them as I was telling them off. But I heard unwanted noises that weren’t true and I never got to defend myself for it. Why? We ended up together for a good 6 months–talk about girl code but I understood why.

We had a math fest at school and I still remember how anxious and heavy I was feeling that day. We were allowed to go home after lunch but I refused to. I had nowhere to go but I stayed in school. I just had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right. Hours passed, a friend texted me that she saw him hanging out with my best friend when he told me he was gonna go home. He even kissed my hand before he went. I cried. It was the most painful thing I ever received from a text. I told them I was never gonna forgive them. But I did. Months passed, he broke up with me, in front of our class. I knew he liked another girl while we were together. I knew because he started to listen to this song over and over again and I knew that it wasn’t for me nor was it ever about me. I never was the same again.

Back in college, I drank lots of alcohol and cried in front of friends because I still couldn’t accept the fact that I didn’t have the perfect family like they did. I had to live with $5.00 for a week or more until my parents could give me when they could. Everything was expensive while my friends were out and about eating dinners I could never afford and I wish I did and I wished I could enjoy it. I was always heartbroken and sad. I didn’t know how to accept life and be thankful for what I had. It was hard to be thankful.

I started failing my classes when I reached my 2nd year in college because I couldn’t understand Biochemistry for the life of me. I had another gut feeling the circle that I was in never liked me. They would always put me in a position where I would feel like I was never included. When I told a friend that we could study together in a coffee shop for midterms and asked if I could hitch, my friend said yes but bailed on me last minute. Next thing I knew they were driving around the city and passed by the coffee shop I was in and tweeted things that I knew was directed at me. Mocking me. I still considered them as my friend.

Then I had to transfer schools for failing two subjects in one semester. I also fought with the dean, so maybe I was kicked out along with my friends. Everything was going smoothly at my second school until this same set of friends did it again. They started inviting our friends to gatherings but never included me. I was hurt. I didn’t know why they did that. I never did say anything. I never demanded anything from them. But they did it so many times that I decided to stay away and just find new friends that were going to accept me and tell me straight in the face what was I doing wrong. I did meet them. For the first time in my life, I was thankful.

Then I met this guy on a random day at the beach. We had a mutual friend we were close with. A year after, we became official. My friends never liked him. I wish I listened to them. He cheated on me a million times but I forgave him. I was a drunkard. I was crying, every single day. I banged my head to the wall every time he cheated. I started to fail my classes. Even gave my fucking virginity to that asshole. I ruined myself for him. I was not the person I was anymore. I lost a lot of weight. All my 26cm-sized jeans and shorts became 22cm. It was the first time that ever happened. I used to share clothes with my sister but it looked all loose to me and I couldn’t fit into my jeans anymore. I even almost got arrested for falling asleep in a comfort room because I was too drunk and started to create a scene. I could never forget that. I still remember the betrayal, the hurt, the people involved, and what hurt me most is no one ever told me. Everyone knew and they were all laughing at me. I knew he was cheating but I needed the last straw so I could learn and decide to let go.

I think what the universe is telling me is, I need to forgive myself for the decisions I’ve made in the past. Everyone has moved on but I know I’m still stuck somewhere. Call me the girl who can’t be moved. I also think my old self needs the warmest and the tightest hug from my present self. I don’t know why but I think she might actually need it. I must admit that I could never deny the trauma is still wandering around waiting for a bomb to catapult and explode and trigger the chaos and noises inside of me. I pray it doesn’t happen.

What do I say to the person I used to be?

You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna turn out fine. It may still not be the one you wanted but you’ll get there. I hope you learn to forgive yourself for the things you did and for the things you will do. You deserve the warmest hug and I hope you can finally shut the loud noise off when it’s time. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.

#happy new year

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