blogfeelsetc

[blogfeelsetc]

It is not always rainbows and butterflies.

Before I asked Renz to accompany me to have my car’s oil changed, I asked him if he can join me renew my passport on the 28th. On the 11th when we met, he said that he might not make it due to curfew/protocol in their area. So no more questions asked, I said it’s fine. Hindi rin naman ako magtatagal dun, I will just get my passport done and leave.

After almost a week, he said he can make it since the protocol only applies at SM. Yes, I get to see him again. If only he knew how excited I got again when he said that. Fast forward to the day or two after that, he said he might not make it again.

Honestly, I had a feeling that he will back out. A few days before that, he told me that he bought his mom a new phone and then he realized he doesn’t have money anymore. To recap, Renz got retrenched at work last June due to the pandemic. Putangina mo Covid, di ka naman priority ng gobyerno eh, umalis ka na lang dito! He realized that he doesn’t have money anymore and felt sorry for himself. That moment I knew, he’s going downhill. I understand how he feels, so I didn’t dwell too much on his reason and just left it there. I was just wrong to act immaturely and became cold to him after that. I was really just looking forward to spend that day with him.

Days passed and my stupid self still treat him coldly, although we went back to normal this week throwing jokes and saying nonsense things that matter. Well, that’s what I thought. I didn’t know that he was still into pitying and feeling sorry for himself for what happened last month. I know lack of work and this pandemic is not a good combination. He was jokingly asking me for food, so I said I will buy him some but it was already kind of late so I cannot send food to him. There. That’s when it hit him again.

I’d rather not share the details of what we have talked about. It all boils down on him feeling sorry for himself since he doesn’t have money and me assuring that he doesn’t have to be shy when he is with me. And I know it is not just that. There are other things that are constantly bugging him but he doesn’t tell me. As much as I wanted to be the most understanding girlfriend, sometimes things just really don’t work out well. Yung akala mong ayos lang sa’yo, hindi ayos sa iba. 

As of the moment, we both are taking our time off. No talking, and I believe he turned his phone off again (or at least its wifi connection) so I cannot reach him. I guess we both needed it since we are both emotionally and mentally unstable these past few weeks. Even if I told him to just talk to me whenever he feels like it, I left him a message. Wala, hindi ko matiis eh.

Here’s to hoping that we will both be better tomorrow.

[blogfeelsetc]

And finally, we met. Yey.

Today, we’ve met.

As the title says, finally after the long wait, Renz and I have finally met each other in person.

To recap, we have matched on this dating app around last week of February and the rest is history, as they say. Supposed meet ups were postponed due to quarantine. I was scheduled to get my car fixed today and wondered if this could also be the perfect time to see each other. Wala naman akong gagawin dun, just wait for a few hours until it is done so why waste my precious time doing nothing? Hahaha.

I asked him if he can accompany me I think a week before. Honestly, I was hesitant at first. Aside from the fact that the virus is still there, I’ve had a couple of rejections asking a guy out over the past. Come on, do not judge me on that. It’s 2020 already, anyone can ask anyone out! In his initial response, I felt that he’s hesitant too so I kind of brushed it off and maybe plan it some other time. After a few minutes, he said he can go. Yay, it’s all set! Couple of days before the said meetup and we had a little misunderstanding, I thought the plan was already scratched. It made me sad, of course, but the good things we were able to patch things up the day before it.

We agreed to meet at SM Molino at 9AM since my appointment is at 10AM.

D-DAY, 11th July

I woke up earlier than my usual during weekends to prepare. I left the house at 8AM thinking that I can be at our meeting place before 9:00. But I almost forgot that I am going to Molino, one of the places in Cavite with worst traffic situation. I can already see SM Molino from afar yet we were not moving for about 10 minutes! Since this is our very first meetup, I was low-key panicking because I don’t want to give an impression that I always come late.

I called him when I was already at SM Molino and I saw him walking on the sidewalk. I blew my horn, opened the door, and said “Hi!”. Mind you, there were no crickets chirping, never an awkward moment from the time he opened the car door. Or maybe there were a few, like when I was supposed to turn left at the intersection, I went straight ahead instead! Stupid, awkward Lei. Classic. I had to make a u-turn pa.

Arriving at the casa, I kind of felt bad because he needed to wait at the lounge while I was being assisted by the service advisor. After that, I asked him if wants to eat or go somewhere since estimated time of the job completion is still at 1PM. We went out, held each other’s hands and walked for about half a kilometer long, and decided to eat brunch at KFC nearby. Medyo ayoko actually sa KFC nung una due to first date experience in the past that did not materialize but it is him naman so why bother. Typical chitchat, sharing stories and experiences, and eating lots of calories from Colonel Sanders’ food were all we did. It was fun just watching him eat and listening to his many stories. I actually may have channeled my inner Captain America there because I can do that all day. I like the talkative Renz.

We went back to the casa and waited for 2 more hours. We were seated on a table at their vehicle display area, which has a lot of people (still with physical distancing), but we kind of didn’t mind. We were just talking there while he’s still holding my hands (yes, he likes that stuff but I was kind of shy at first since I’m not used to it). Rain poured hard when the car PMS was done so our plan to do some groceries before heading home was cancelled. While I was driving on our way to SM Molino, he was just holding my hand the entire time. I dropped him there and bid our goodbyes.

I don’t know if it is actually relevant but I also gave him ear savers to be used when he is using his face mask. It’s the very first thing I have given to him, which I would like to believe is a reminder that we have found each other despite this current, hopeless situation that is COVID-19. Screw this virus!

Well yeah, this pandemic has caused us to have this not-so-typical first date but I did had fun. Really. Before meeting him up, I was anxious that things might not turn out well but I am beyond happy it did. Highlight of the day is him constantly holding my hand (we wash our hands frequently and sanitize, don’t worry) wherever we go. As I have mentioned earlier, I was really shy at first because I’m not used to it. But when I held his hand while we were crossing the road and when lightning and thunder were present while raining hard, all the petty fears I had disappeared. Before I forgot to mention, he kissed my hand (with his face mask on, of course) before we parted ways too. Such a sweetheart!

Unfortunately, we were unable to take our first photo together, maybe because we really enjoyed each other’s company today and forgot to “document” it. On our next date, I promise that it will be one of the first things I will do. And give him a hug. And maybe a kiss on the cheek too.

[blogfeelsetc]

First ever breakdown? I actually do not know when we offically became together, but as far as I remember this is the first time he ever cried on me.

Always remember: “It is okay not to be okay.”

 6/2/2020 8:47 AM

Last night while we were having our usual conversation, Renz out of nowhere said that he is thinking of deleting his Facebook account permanently. In the 3+ months that we have known each other, he had deactivated his profile for like 3 or 4 times already and will be back after a week or so. This time, it was different.

He was really torn between deactivating and going back soon, or permanently deleting the said profile and just create a new one in the future. I can feel his struggle. He was a mess last night.

When he called me, I can feel from his voice how hard this is for him. May people will think that this is all pag-iinarte, but we need to acknowledge that social media is really taking a toll on some people’s mental health. For him, he feels like no one appreciates or gives attention to him there. He tries to get attention by shitposting (I’m sorry for using the term, dear), photography, literature, game streaming, and all others. He talks to random people just to get the attention he wants. Hearing that from him hurt me a bit. Is my attention not enough? Then I have realized, maybe it really is not. I know that I cannot give my 100% to him for now due to work and other stuff, and even if I do, it is human nature to still seek for other people’s approval.

I lost it when he sobbed. I felt the urge to hold his hand, tap his shoulder and hush to ease what he is feeling that time, but I cannot do any of these things. All I can do is to respond and tell him that it is okay. It is okay not to feel okay.

My love, once everything is okay, I will be more than willing to help and support you with this battle of yours; be it morally supporting you, being by your side, or accompanying you to seek professional help. You will always have my back, okay?

[blogfeelsetc]

April 27th, his 25th birthday

Happy birthday.

To the person who looks cute wearing a headband and “flexing” his eyebrows, who’s easily irritated by the humid weather, who keeps me sane, my safe haven, and hopefully share more random stuff with: happy quarantine birthday!

We knew each other on the worst possible time. I was trying to save this thing with someone else, and you were, I guess, trying to move forward with life. Maybe it was destined to be like that. Or maybe it was just a coincidence. Who knows?

“Tara sa Viber?”

“Sige sure.”

“Paano ba?”

Maybe because we’re strangers talking online, we became more open to each other. Sharing random or unusual stuff was easy with you. Mas maganda nga raw mag-share ka sa hindi mo kakilala para hindi ka ma-judge. But as time passes, you’re becoming more familiar. You were no longer a random stranger who I have swiped right on Bumble. Even if we haven’t seen each other face to face, it feels like we have known each other for a very long time.

Thank you for listening to my random shenanigans, for making me realize things, for calling me in the middle of the night and all I did was cry to you. Thank you for checking on me when it feels like there is something wrong, for greeting me every morning, for sharing stuff you see on the internet, and for not judging me during my “dark” days. You had all the reasons to leave, but you stayed. I really appreciate these small things. They’re actually the ones that matter.

I just want you to know that you will always have my back. Whenever you need someone to talk to, or even not, I will always try to make myself available. And always remember that good things come to those who wait, whatever that is.

I know it is your birthday, but I will be the one to tell a wish. I hope that this pandemic will end already. Hindi lang para makapagkita na tayo, but to ease your anxiety as well. Can’t wait to see you, “quarantine fling”. Here’s to new beginnings with you.

[blogfeelsetc]

Blog feels, etc.

Yeah, so basically this is a throwaway blog wherein I will put all my feels. I will make this my personal journal, and as much as possible make it private.

I really wanted to name this “happy x sad” blog but the URL is already taken.

Last 3 reblogs are from my old Tumblr which my boyfriend knows about. Yes, maybe most of my entries will be about him and our relationship.