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I’m back.

we went on a walk with my mom. it was really hot outside, so I wore a gory dress. I’m fat right now, but it’s the first summer in my adult life when I don’t care about my weight or how disgusting my body looks. most days I even feel good about myself, I feel happy.

out of nowhere my mom makes a comment about my stretch marks. she listens to like 50 psychologists now and we even had a talk when I explained how uncomfortable her thoughts on my appearance and diet make me feel. but she still thought it was necessary to mention the amount of stretch marks on my thighs.

I love her, but she doesn’t understand how triggering this topic is. I can’t stop fucking crying. If I stay in this weight, I will feel horrible about myself. it always feels like I’m letting the world down by being so ugly. but now if I start losing weight, she will notice and she will definitely praise for doing a good job and “taking care of my health”. I can’t win.

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sometimes I wonder if I’m gonna spend my whole life trying to become a pretty image. I’ve never been satisfied with myself and I don’t think I ever will be, but oh well here I am again, fasting.

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you know that feeling when you feel less depressed and it feels uncomfortable cause suddenly you miss your depression?? that’s me after therapy because now I don’t get high from male attention

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i’m failing hard at everything

I was supposed to submit an analysis of one of my lessons on Monday and it’s Friday. my curator’s been reminding the whole week and i’ve been just ignoring her messages. I was supposed to meet with her and other participants today but I just didn’t go because I still haven’t completed my analysis and I couldn’t bear looking her in the eyes.

I know I let both of us down when I avoid her but I can’t force myself to write down every single thing that happened during my shitty lesson and what could’ve been better etc. literally the look of that document makes me sick. I hate my brain and how I sabotage myself.

in other news, I started fasting again. I love my personality even more after therapy but I hate my body. I’ll try to restrict as much as possible, I want to gain some control back.

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шпроты и ред булл – завтрак чемпиона

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я не вывожу :’)

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I never understood what a “depressed person’s house” is supposed to be.. because I lived with my mom. I get it now.

antidepressants are working great though but oh my god they murdered my libido.

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меня наконец-то посадили на антидепрессанты и на кучу всяких других штук. есть ощущение, что мне поверили, и что я могу этому врачу доверять. я этому очень рада, хоть и чувствую себя отвратительно. не помню, чтобы мне когда-то было так плохо. меня тошнит, я не могу есть, но очень хочу. вчера было так плохо дома, что я открыла дверь в квартиру, на случай, если буду вызывать скорую. никогда не падала в обморок, но кажется его приближение ощущается именно так.

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last night was the first time that I felt truly depressed in like 6 years. I don’t have any friends here, my family can’t really visit me. I’m failing at work, i can feel that everyone there is getting frustrated with me and they don’t understand what the hell is happening. neither do I!!! I just feel like I’m descending more and more into depression and I can’t really help myself right now. I eat well 90% of the time but I eat A LOT. I’m trying to restrict so now I’m surviving off of energy drinks and cigarettes. I legit started smoking at 23 years old, when everyone tries to quit lol. I started scratching and pinching myself when i’m frustrated, just really wanna hurt myself. booked a tattoo appointment this Friday, maybe I could get a piercing as well.

I love teaching and I love my students, but I can’t stand all the paperwork, my adhd is worse than it has ever been. I’ll try to find a neurologist who would prescribe me antidepressants because anything that helps with adhd directly is illegal here. one of the previous doctors I went to basically said that I don’t look like a child with adhd because I’m not acting hyperactive. never mind that I’m an adult. looking for a neurologist will be fun 🙃

the best thing is that every teacher in the program says that November is gonna be the worst.. wow can’t wait.

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I’ve lived alone for a month now and I somehow trained myself to wake up earlier in order to have breakfast. for 22 years of my life I would never eat breakfast and now I do it every singe morning. when I’m teaching the only thing I can think about is “I could’ve been in ketosis right now if I skipped breakfast”. literally torture 💕

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I bought a scale for my new flat and honestly I wish I hadn’t 🥲

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thank you babe god knows i need it

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if you want to fast for 20 hours everyday go become a teacher

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i returned from my summer camp and i just sit at home and eat. i don’t do anything other than procrastinate, watch models talk about their diets on fashion tv and eat. i feel disgusting.

i felt like i’ve lost so much weight during the camp, my jeans and shorts looked soo big on me, but i weighed myself one the 5th day at home and somehow my scales say that i’m still 70kg. i feel like in those 5 days i gained all the weight back. idk i just don’t trust my scales anymore and i don’t trust myself either. i need to bully myself into exercising again.