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jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

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Going to the zoo today perhaps I'll treat myself with a flattened penny... Perhaps I'll indulge myself, andget a flattened penny

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Almost every problem in your life is, either directly or indirectly, caused by global inequity.

Billionaires are ruining your present and your future, while telling you to be mad about who's wearing a skirt or which side of an imaginary line someone was born on.

Things that will literally never affect your material existence in any significant way.

Unlike how a handful of tyrants keeping a stranglehold over global resources affects everything you do, every single day of your life.

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This was in another goodwill bin and I'm gonna put the back cover under a cut just so you can experience the same sensation of flipping it over to see this:

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Matt Madden, Abandoned Yellow House in Nova Scotia

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people keep trying to make "ladies and gentlemen" more inclusive.

I think we should go the other way around.

make more and more weird false dichotomies in greetings. "gamers and pianists". "oil painters and swordsmen". "vexillologists and entomologists". "chess masters and diamond artificers". "accountants and gendered individuals".

we need to be dropping shit into formal meetings to make people say "wait what? which one am I?"

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“Medieval peasants couldn’t handle my Spotify playlist” but could YOU handle a medieval bard relaying the epic of Beowulf over the course of an hour? Humble yourself.

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My casino has new top-of-the-line technology to stop heists: a montage detector. If those bastards want to break in and steal my money, they’re doing it as part of one, long take

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Not to like be too enamoured with celebrities but Stellan Skarsgård really is some kind of nationall treasure

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Photographer Debbie Parker captured this lightning strike in West Virginia. - Author: sco-go

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i feel strongly about this