borderline-queen

[borderline-queen]

Mar. 17, 2021

Today I worked at the pharmacy with sexy pharmacist and got pretty upset with him. 🙃

A doctor’s office sent over an electronic prescription that had a couple of abbreviations that are not standard in the instructions. One of the other techs was entering it into the system and asked me what the abbreviations were. I wasn’t sure at first, but after looking at it for a minute, I figured it out. The tech asked sexy pharmacist to look too, and when he came over to look, I said what I thought it was trying to be helpful. He got unreasonably & surprisingly angry at me for saying what I thought it was and said that next time I shouldn’t say anything so that whoever’s looking has a fair interpretation. I was really caught off guard and shaken by it, so I just jokingly said, “You know I’ve never been quiet a day in my life,” trying to play it off. He responded back saying, “Maybe next time you should try it.” And I just stood there in silence, shocked and kinda embarrassed because he did this in front of other techs, completely unprompted. I understand what he was saying, but he said it so aggressively, and it came out of nowhere. We had been fine all morning and haven’t had any issues recently. Regardless, we had to call the doctor’s office to confirm the instructions since these abbreviations weren’t standard/accepted sig codes. When we called the doctor, it turned out I was right anyways 🤷🏽‍♀️

But it put me in a bad and confused mood, so I just kept working and stayed quiet. I think he realized after that he came off really harsh because I wasn’t talking or making eye contact with him. So a bit later, he was standing by the sink prepping COVID vaccines, and I walked over to wash my hands, and he nervously asked me if everything was okay. I blew off the question and said yes & that I just got some sticky liquid medicine on my hands and ignored that he was probably referring to if everything was okay between us.

There were a couple other things he did throughout the morning that irritated me, but I can’t even remember those anymore after that happened.

His shift ended a couple hours before mine. When we were texting after work, he asked me how the rest of my shift went, and I told him it went well. He said that he felt like there was a very good vibe in the pharmacy today, but I don’t think he was being sincere. I think he was just trying to see how I’d respond.... I didn’t

I’ve also found myself getting more jealous & protective over him. Like when he talks to other female techs about non-work stuff (like asking them how their day off was), I get jealous and annoyed. How am I supposed to know if he’s only interested in me? He could have eyes for other techs/women too. He hasn’t shown any signs of wanting to commit to me and doesn’t show affection towards me unless it’s physical/sexual. So as far as I’m concerned, I’m just an easy sex toy that he’s got wrapped around his finger 🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m almost starting to feel like we shouldn’t work together anymore, but I need the second job now that I’m on my own & paying my own bills. I could work shifts with our other pharmacist, but I know it would cause tension between sexy pharmacist and I if I started avoiding his shifts.

We are working together again tomorrow, and I’m not looking forward to it.

[borderline-queen]

Mar. 10, 2021

Hello blog!!! Here’s some updates from the past few days

Saturday afternoon - went over to sexy pharmacist’s house for our date night/birthday celebration! It was really cute getting dressed together, getting in his Lexus, him driving us to the city to dinner, and walking around the city holding hands. We got stuck in some bad traffic, but I didn’t mind because I like car rides with him. The food at the restaurant was delicious too! It was a fancier/semi-upscale vegan restaurant that I’d never been to before. 

Going on dates with him is so much different than going on dates with my ex was. My ex never had a lot of money (not talking down on him, he’s a really hard worker and did a lot to provide for me), so whenever we went out, we never really ordered appetizers or desserts, just entrees. 

With sexy pharmacist, he ordered drinks, soups, appetizers, entrees, and desserts without flinching. I know some women don’t like when men order for them, but I thought it was cute. It wasn’t like he picked my food out for me; we’d talk about what we wanted, and when the server came, he’d say, “She would like...” such & such. I have a very dominant & independent personality in my day-to-day life, but when it comes to romantic partners, I love to be submissive, and I love having a strong man to protect & take care of me. It was a really nice date. 

Afterwards, we went back to his house and made some drinks. His new house has a wood-burning fireplace, but he hasn’t had time to mess around with it to get it working (the previous owners did some weird stuff to it). We have been talking about wanting to cuddle & fuck by the fire for the past couple months, and he finally got his fireplace working for my birthday celebration!!! Hehehe. So he built me a fire, and we had drinks, cuddled, and fucked. 

Oh, and yes - he took my anal virginity! It was an okay experience. We used lots of lube, but it still really hurt at first. Got progressively more comfortable but never really pleasurable. I let him keep going because I wanted him to cum, but I think he could tell after a bit that I wasn’t super comfortable, so he stopped without making it awkward and was really sweet about it. I would definitely try it again in the future; I think it just takes a few times for it to feel less uncomfortable.

Afterwards, we showered, got in bed, had vaginal sex to finish what we started, showered again, and then I fell asleep wrapped up in his arms hehehe. 

Sunday morning was also really cute. He wakes up earlier than me; when he woke up, he held me tightly in his arms and made me feel really secure & safe. After a while, he whispered in my ear that he was getting up, to sleep as long as I wanted, and that he’d be in the living room waiting for me. When I got up, I went downstairs, we cuddled & had sex, ate breakfast, watched documentaries, and then slept on & off most of the morning. He took me to an all-vegan pizza place for lunch, and it was delicious. He also bought accidentally-vegan apple turnovers and vegan ice cream as my birthday dessert, so he made those for us afterwards. It’s so cute how much research & time he has put into finding vegan restaurants and foods for me. We slept on & off more after lunch; I just really loving spooning with him - his big strong arms wrapped around me and his legs intertwined with mine. I feel so comfortable & safe with him. 

Oh, also!!! We went on a walk with his dog before we went to the vegan pizza place. The weather was beautiful, and he kept holding my hand and looking at me so lovingly under the sun. I couldn’t stop smiling and staring into his eyes. Moments like that make me melt

[borderline-queen]

Mar. 5, 2021

Okay here’s me looking like a dumbass again retracting my previous statements from my last post 😂

Sexy pharmacist just texted me asking if I want to come over at 4:30pm instead of 8pm tomorrow because he made us reservations at a vegan restaurant in the city at 7pm 🥺🥺🥺

My heart literally skipped!!! Off to find a dress to wear 😇

[borderline-queen]

Mar. 3, 2021

I’m starting to feel more and more like sexy pharmacist is only interested in me for sex. I’m hoping it’s just in my head and that I’m feeling this way because we haven’t spent the night over there in a couple weeks. He’s always more loving in person than over text. But I can’t stop thinking about it.

The only time he seems interested in carrying a convo with me over text is when we are talking about sex. Anything else and I just get one or two texts before he ends the convo.

For example, yesterday morning he texted me good morning, and the text seemed very distant and off compared to his usual good morning texts. I’m assuming this is because the night prior our good night texts were a little short because I was really sad about my break up. So I guess it just carried over into the morning. But I didn’t want our texts to keep being dull/plain/uninteresting, so I pretended like I was not still really upset & sad. I texted him cheerfully and brought up our plans for this weekend, and his tone/style of texting instantly changed now that sex was the subject. Much more interested verbiage, lots of emojis, and he kept the convo going for like 2-3 hours......

But he won’t keep a convo with me for that long when it’s not sexual. I was also upset that I felt like I had to hide my feelings/sadness just so that it wouldn’t upset him or make him not want to talk to me. I’m really hurt that he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. If he actually is interested in me, I understand why he wouldn’t want to hear me discuss my fiancé and being sad about not being with him anymore, but I just wish he would at least pretend a little and ask me how I’m doing. I’ve literally never felt more alone in my entire life. And feeling like he’s only interested in me for sex and that I can’t talk to him about other stuff makes it feel so much worse.

We had phone sex last night for the first time ever. He asked me to do it before, but I felt too nervous/awkward to try it back then. But I don’t feel that way anymore, so I agreed to it because it seemed fun, and I also wanted to hear his voice. I was hoping that after the phone sex was over, he’d want to keep talking to me on the phone and just chit chat. But nope. Literally jumped into the “sex” as soon as I answered the phone, and as soon as he came, he said he had to go and hung up.

I really like that we have a little routine going for our sleepovers, but I also wish we’d change it up a bit. Currently, I come over at 8pm, we make drinks, have sex, cuddle in his living room while watching documentaries & eating snacks, go to the bedroom when it gets late, have sex again, shower, and then go to sleep. The next morning, we wake up, have morning sex, drink coffee & eat breakfast while watching documentaries & cuddling, have lunch, take a nap, have sex, shower, and then I leave. Don’t get me wrong - I really like our routine. It’s really relaxing and comforting. But I also wish that we would go on dates sometime or that he’d invite me over earlier than 8pm so that I don’t feel like I’m just a hookup. We go out to casual restaurants for lunch sometimes, but we’ve never really been on a true date like where you dress up & go to a nice restaurant. Maybe I should just feel good/flattered that he invites me into his space and is so comfortable having me in his home? Maybe he thinks I just want sex and that I don’t want to do romantic stuff? Idk. I thought maybe he’d take me out somewhere Saturday night since we’re celebrating my birthday, but looks like that’s not happening since he texted me earlier today confirming I’d come over at 8 for our usual.

Idk I just feel sad. Sometimes when we’re texting and he doesn’t seem interested, I change the convo to something sexual just so that he gets interested because it makes me feel good about the situation. Pretty pathetic

[borderline-queen]

Mar. 1, 2021

I officially broke things off with my fiancé today, and I have been crying in bed all day. Yesterday was my birthday. Throughout the weekend, he and I had been arguing a bit because he wanted to talk about the status of our relationship, and I refused to. He’s been trying to have this conversation with me for 2 months, and I’ve been avoiding it.

Last night, things just kept getting worse. He left this morning for work and texted me while I was still sleeping. I texted him when I woke up letting him know I felt like things could not be fixed between us and that it would be best for us to call it quits. We’ve been texting all day, basically discussing our feelings (being very civil), and I’ve been really upset. I’ve literally been bawling all day. I called out of work and stayed in bed. Can’t eat. Can’t drink. Can’t do anything.

I’ve been wanting to end it for a while and didn’t think it would hit me this hard. I don’t know why it hurts me so much when I’m the one who ended it and who’s fault it is. I did not tell my fiancé about sexy pharmacist, just told him I felt like we have grown apart and that I’ve fallen out of love and that our goals no longer align, which is true. I’ve been really sad all day.

I’m even more sad because I feel like sexy pharmacist doesn’t care about me or my feelings. He was up late last night because he was pissed off at one of his neighbors letting their dog shit in his yard. He texted me ranting about it; I entertained the convo and sounded very interested since it was something that he felt strongly about. Wanted to be supportive.

I told him my night sucked. He said, “I don’t like this - it’s your birthday?!?” and before I could elaborate (like within one minute), said he was going to bed. I texted anyways saying why I was upset & telling him some things that happened throughout the day, and he literally just said, “sorry, get some rest”. I literally cried after reading that. He did not give a shit

This morning was okay at first. I was trying not to be upset about last night. We did our usual cute good morning texts, and everything seemed fine. I texted him after I broke up with my fiancé letting him know I’m single and that I called out of work & was going to stay in bed all day.

He texted me on his lunch break asking if I was okay and said he was having lunch & would text me after work. I responded an hour or so later (about 15 min. before he got off work) letting him know I was okay but that I was really upset and that I feel sad even though this is what I wanted. He texted back when he got home saying that he was sorry that I was feeling down and that he knows how rough it can be when a long term relationship ends and that it’s an emotional loss & hurts even if you wanted it. He said to let him know if I needed to talk, and he’d be around. I thought that was a nice response. 

I didn’t respond for like 4 hours because I was upset and crying and didn’t feel up to it. Once I did respond, I told him I was still sad & in bed and that I hate feeling this way and that I feel pathetic being upset about this because I wanted it. I also asked him what he was doing.

He said, “It is okay to mourn the loss of the relationship ? Especially bc it just happened” and then told me what he was eating for dinner.

Idk why but it kind of hurt my feelings, specifically the ? mark. It almost seems passive aggressive, like saying, “It’s normal to be upset ? Shut up bitch” Idk if I’m overreacting, but it was not comforting. 

I responded saying I’m going to try to have a productive day tomorrow & get some school work done & mentioned a couple things happening this week to try and change the subject. I figured he just doesn’t want to hear me talking about my (former) relationship, and I was hoping if I changed the subject that he’d want to talk to me a bit and maybe cheer me up some. 

Nope. He texted back, “Good, a busy day, the busier the better. I will text you later”....which means he will text me goodnight and that’s it. I didn’t even respond, just did the thumbs up on iMessage

But it made me cry even more knowing that he doesn’t give a shit about my feelings or that I’m upset. I thought he’d make more of an effort to talk to me and comfort me. I also thought he’d text me more yesterday because it was my birthday, but no, he didn’t. He texted me just as infrequently as he always does 

I felt so loved when I was at his house Thursday. Now I’m feeling absolutely worthless and again starting to feel like he’s only interested in me for the sex and doesn’t actually care about me as a person. I’m scared I ruined my relationship of 5 years for someone who doesn’t even like me. He only seems interested in talking to me when we’re talking about sex

He and I have plans for this weekend to celebrate my birthday, but I feel so low and unloved that I’m questioning them. I know I’m feeling this way because of my 5-year relationship ending today and that I’m sure I’ll feel better in a few days time... but I just feel so worthless & used. Don’t get me wrong - I love the sex. But I want to be cared about as a person, too, and he’s just so distant right now. 

Everything hurts and I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to. I thought sexy pharmacist would be there for me, but he’s not. I’m scared I made a mistake and that it’s too late to fix it

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 25, 2021

I was really upset because my fiancé ended up not coming home yesterday, which meant I could’ve spent then night at sexy pharmacist’s house!!! Ugh, I was so irritated.

But it’s okay. After our closing shift together last night, we drove off to a little secret spot, and he fucked me from behind while I was pressed up against his car hehehe. It was hot & exhilarating

Then I went over to his house this morning at 7:30am. We decided that I’d come over in my pajamas so that we could pretend like I slept over; it was cute. We cuddled and watched space documentaries, had more amazing sex, and he made me coffee. We talked a lot about life, and he listed to me bitch & rant about random stuffs. Then we showered together before I left for class. 

He also bought my favorite fruits (bananas & pineapples), and he bought cashews because I mentioned last week about them being my favorite nut and that I like them to snack on. He also bought the vegan ranch dip that I eat that’s only sold at the grocery chain that I shop at. He shops at a different grocery chain, which means he went specifically to my chain to get the ranch I like to eat with carrots :’)

Before I left for school, he packed me some snacks to take to class with me, and it was so adorable. When we cuddled, he talked about how nice it feels to be close to me. He texted me later saying that we have lots of chemistry aaahhhhhhh

He wore a dark blue shirt to work last night because I told him I like when he wears dark blue

Oh, and at one point, we were messing around, and I was “playing nurse” on him (I’m in nursing school) and pretending to do a mini head-to-toe assessment on him. I didn’t have my stethoscope, so when I was auscultating his heart, lung, and bowel sounds, I just put my ear on his chest/abdomen. When I laid my head on his abdomen, he stroked my face & hair and gave me the most loving look, and I almost melted. He had literal heart eyes looking at me, and I thought I was going to die because it was so cute

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 23, 2021

Working with sexy pharmacist tomorrow night, and I’m excited 🥰

He asked me if I wanted to come over after work (we’re both closing) since we are both off work Thursday. I’m really upset because I had to say no because my fiancé is coming home a couple days early 😔

It would’ve been so cute and domestic working together all afternoon/evening and then driving to his house together and getting ready for bed & falling asleep together. Fortunately, I am still going over there for a few hours Thursday morning so that we can have some fun before I go to class Thursday afternoon, and my fiancé will just think I’m at school.

I hate having to turn down sexy pharmacist’s invites because of my fiancé. It feels like I’m slapping him in the face, and I don’t want him to think he will always come second because he is my priority.

After I had to reject the invite to sleep over, I texted sexy pharmacist and told him that I wanted him to know that my fiancé and I aren’t having sex (and haven’t since before Thanksgiving), that there is literally zero intimacy between he and I, that I have no lingering feelings for him, and that I just haven’t ended things officially because of the free rent situation. I was so nervous sending that text, but I felt like it needed to be said in the moment. I also said at the end of the text that I’m only interested in him and that my body is reserved for him.

He responded really well to it and was very sweet throughout the rest of our conversation. He said he kinda thought that was the case and thanked me for clarifying it. His goodnight text to me was extra cute too. 🥰

I’m so excited to see him tomorrow even though we will be working, and I’m even more excited for a little fun Thursday morning to hold me over throughout the weekend! Eeekkkkkk 😍

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 21, 2021

Lately I haven’t been able to stop wondering where things are going with sexy pharmacist and I. It’s been just over 2 months since we first had sex, and we’ve had some really nice & loving times together, especially this month now that he’s not sick anymore and settled into his new house.

I think he really likes me but that he holds back expressing it verbally or via text sometimes, but the things he does when we are together say so much.

Beyond sex, he likes physical touch (which I also love). When we are together, we are almost always touching. We cuddle, and he runs his fingers along my skin or through my hair, or he interlocks his fingers with mine. If we adjust positions to where we aren’t as close, he will intertwine his legs with mine so that we are still touching. We went to lunch the last time I was over, and he sat on the same side of the booth as me so that we could be close and kept his hand on my thigh most of the time we were there. At one point, he took my leg and overlapped it on his. I loved it. He calls me so many cute/sweet pet names, always texts me good morning & goodnight, got me a toothbrush for his house, and buys vegan snacks for me to eat while I’m there. Last weekend when I was working at the hospital, he stayed up late every single night to text me goodnight when I got off work. I mentioned the other day that I like when he wears dark blue to work; he said he was going to go buy more dark blue shirts to wear around me. When I’m just being myself, he will tell me tell me I’m being cute, and he says it in a giddy/infatuated/loving non-sexual way.

Sometimes I feel like he’s just wants me for sex, but I know that’s not actually true because of what he told me about previous women. I mentioned this before, but he has a childhood/college friend who he was spending time with early last year; I thought they were romantically inclined back then, but he told me that he was completely uninterested in her romantically/sexually and wouldn’t let her come over to his house or have sex with her because he didn’t want to lead her on or use her. Then, there was the girl who he went on a couple dates with this past summer, who he stopped seeing because he didn’t like her personality, among other reasons. So I know that he would not keep fucking me if he wasn’t interested in me as a person. Realistically, I know he likes my personality because we always meshed so well together as coworkers.

I guess what I’m trying to say is - I’m wondering if he wants to get more serious and possibly exclusive at some point? I mean, it’s kinda serious in the sense that he invites me over to his house to spend the night regularly and is so accommodating. But there’s no title for what we are? Other than lovers, I guess?

I’m scared that he can’t see himself being committed or in an actual relationship with me because of the age gap. I’m turning 23 in a week, and he’s 55. When this first started, I was okay with just casual sex and laughs. I still am, but I can tell I’m starting to develop more serious feelings and that I’m wanting to be more lovey dovey. I wouldn’t say that I love him or that I’m in love, but I could see it happening at some point in the future if we keep this up. He has said multiple times before that 2021 was going to be a good year for us and that we were going to have lots of good times together regardless of what life throws our way. So I know he wants to keep this up, but is it just the sex that he wants to keep up?

I’m also scared that he’s hesitant to fully open up and immerse himself in this because I’m still engaged. The only reason I haven’t called things off with my fiancé is because I can’t afford to pay rent on my own, and sexy pharmacist knows this. We don’t talk about it, but I know he thinks about it. I guess he doesn’t want to get more serious with me because maybe he’s worried I’ll decide to stay with my fiancé and break things off between us, so it’s his way of protecting himself? I would understand if that’s part of it. I feel bad making him my “side piece” or whatever. I told him before I’m 100% dedicated to him and not at all interested in my fiancé anymore, but I know it’s hard for him knowing we still live together (even though my fiancé’s gone most of the time).

Or maybe he’s just the kind of person who’s more into showing than telling? Which I would believe because again, his actions show me he’s really into me, but his words seem so reserved sometimes, and I’m the kind of person who needs verbal reassurance.

I really like how things are progressing between us; it’s been very natural and easygoing. There’s no pressure, and we’ve adapted to each other’s routines nicely and started to form our own routines together. I’m really excited for what the future brings, including my birthday celebration and spending time during the summer together. I can picture myself being around him for a long time, even if it’s not in a serious relationship, although I would be okay being in a serious relationship if he wanted it too. He just has so much wisdom & knowledge to offer, and he’s so pleasant to be around. I don’t want him looking beyond me or being in a serious relationship with anyone else.

I just wish I knew how he felt about us/our title, but I’m not trying to have the “what are we?” conversation, especially not while I’m still engaged, and I’m really just not ready to get my feelings hurt if it goes badly.

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 20, 2021

Proof I can be a rational person: sexy pharmacist barely texted me yesterday and has only sent me 4 texts today (all at once) today and I’m not even panicking/freaking out/crying

He’s back home visiting his parents this weekend; I don’t mind being “ignored” for stuff like that!!! Just hurts my feels when I get ignored while he’s home alone watching random documentaries on his couch for hours 🤪

I was a little sad just because I didn’t get a good morning text today for the first time in awhile (idk the last time we didn’t text good morning) and he didn’t text me til 4pm - but again, I stayed cool, calm, and collected and focused on me & my schoolwork 😊

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 17, 2021

Sometimes it’s embarrassing how crazy I am

I think sexy pharmacist can tell when I’m splitting/having an episode even though I try to hide it (probs not very well). I tend to forget that we worked together for over a year before we got involved and that he has witnessed me split & go through mood swings & show up to work as an entirely different person everyday. I still try to hide it now anyways though since our dynamic has changed from coworkers to lovers and because my behaviors involve/are directed at him.

He knows I have a history of mental illness & self injury. He doesn’t know that I specifically have BPD and an eating disorder (although I’m sure he could assume).

He just brings such calm energy to our relationship, and it’s always exactly what I need when I need it.

He texted me at 10:25pm saying he was finishing up an episode of the TV show he was watching and that he was going to bed in 10 minutes. I said okay & that I was about to shower. He didn’t respond after 40 min, so I assumed he fell asleep. But I texted goodnight anyways and then was about to start crying because he didn’t text me goodnight before he fell asleep.

Well, he actually texted me almost simultaneously asking if I was in bed & ready to say goodnight. I thought he fell asleep & forgot about me, but he actually stayed up later to wait for me to finish showering so that he could say goodnight while we were both in bed 🥺 and he called me his baby girl because he knows that’s my favorite 🥺

And then sent me a message saying that no matter what events unfold before us, we will have the most wonderful days together - he said this completely unprovoked. Because he just knew my mind gets wacky and that I worry. He brings me such calm

I was literally on the verge of tears over him not texting me goodnight and then did a complete 180 into contentment the second I heard the special text tone I have for him

I’m such a 1) crazy bitch and 2) sucker for love

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 17, 2021

I feel like sexy pharmacist is mad at me and it’s driving me crazy???

After I got home from his house yesterday, I texted him talking about my dog’s vet appointment and then also thanked him for always making me feel so welcome & for the chocolate, stuffed animal, and card he got me and apologized for not getting him one and said some lovey dovey stuff

And when he texted back, he only responded to the part about my dog and talked about his dog and completely ignored the rest?? So idk if I upset him bringing up me not getting him a card?

And I just feel like he hasn’t been very responsive/interested today? Like he was at work til 3 or so, so that’s fine. But even on his lunch break, he didn’t text me til the very end of his break when he was going back to work when he usually texts me at the beginning of his break so that we have time to exchange a few messages....... I just assumed that maybe the pharmacy was really busy or that it was a rough/understaffed day. But he said that it was a very nice day at work so that’s not it?

Idk - reading back through our texts today, they’re not as bad as I thought they were. He was really unresponsive this evening - said he had some stuff to check off his to-do list, so I guess that kept him pretty occupied. I did a ton of stuff around my apartment to try to keep my mind occupied, but I still checked my phone/watch constantly to see if he had texted me

Now it just feels weird/off. But I feel like it’s all in my head and that I’m making things weird because I think they already are when they aren’t (because that’s what I usually do)

So I’m having a bit of a crazy moment and just need to remember that it’s all in my head

I’m just worried because we don’t see each other for a while since he’s out of town this weekend. My week is crazy busy with work & school next week. I am actually working a shift at the pharmacy next week, so I will see him then, but no alone time outside of work. And then next weekend he’s working. So it’ll be at least a week & a half or so before we have any us time again, maybe even 2 weeks 🙃 and I know my mind is going to run wild during it

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 16, 2021

OH HOW COULD I FORGET

Sexy pharmacist got me a toothbrush to keep at his place!!! So that I don’t have to bring mine every time I sleep over!!!!!!

So does this mean he’s in love with me??? Idk but it def means he anticipates me coming over for the foreseeable future!!!!!

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 16, 2021

I spent the night at sexy pharmacist’s house last night for our Valentine’s celebration. It was amazing!

I felt bad because I didn’t get him a card or candy or anything. I had considered it, but I was scared of being too lovey dovey on accident and scaring him off, or it being awkward if I got him a card & he didn’t get me one. But the opposite happened - he got me a sweet card, vegan chocolate, and a stuffed animal. I felt so bad for not getting him anything :( 

Inside the card he wrote:

“My firefly,

Thanks for lighting up my days & nights as I find myself your new neighbor. You are truly a rare jewel that I have been very fortunate to hold in my arms. I look forward to making more memories with you.”

Your sunflower”

And I thought it was just so sweet. 

We had some really amazing sex, some comforting cuddles, and some great conversations & laughs together. I’m finally getting over my nervousness, and our conversations are becoming more & more natural.

Oh, and I brought up my birthday casually to see if we were still on to celebrate this upcoming weekend. He is actually going back home to visit his parents this weekend, which is why he took Friday off work. I’m not mad about it because I know family time is very important for him. His parents are older, and his dad has Alzheimer’s, so I could never be upset about him going to visit them. I’ve always thought it was sweet that he goes to see them so much, even before I knew about his dad. So we decided we will celebrate the weekend after my birthday, which is fine with me - I am grateful that he takes any time out of his schedule for us (because he’s extremely busy), and I could actually really use the time this weekend to study for my upcoming test. So all is well! :)

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 12, 2021

So excited - yesterday sexy pharmacist asked me if I wanna sleep over on Monday night to celebrate Valentine’s Day 🥰

We are both working the entire weekend, so we can’t celebrate on actual Valentine’s Day, which is no biggie. Monday is perfectly fine with me!

I’m really glad he asked. I’ve been thinking about it coming up, but I didn’t want to bring it up because I didn’t know if he was ready to celebrate it together. I know some people take celebrating it as a very serious sign, and I didn’t want to accidentally scare him off by initiating convo about it, but my sexy Scorpio came through once again. 💘

He also sent me a very cute text this morning. I had rough time at school earlier this week & was nervous about going this morning and mentioned my long weekend (three consecutive 12-hour shifts) and how I couldn’t wait til it was over. He is always so bright & positive, my literal ray of sunshine; he said:

“I wish you all the luck my powers can give. — remember, there is absolutely nothing to fear, ‘It Just Doesn’t Matter!’

That goes hand in hand with - It doesn’t matter what your circumstances are (what is going on around you with your life situation) — you control your inner self - just by being immensely present in the moment, you will find lightness, joy, and love, and you will easily perform at your best.

Just enjoy what you’re doing, whom you are with, and where you are. No thoughts about past or future.”

It really cheered me up & was a great start to my day. The “it just doesn’t matter” part is a Bill Murray reference. We watched a documentary about him during a previous night together, and the documentary had the scene from the movie Meatballs where Bill Murray gives his big speech about how “It just doesn’t matter!” Sexy pharmacist is a big fan of Bill Murray & said he loves that quote because it helps him stay present and not get upset about stuff. It’s been helping me lately too, so when I’m upset/anxious/anything, sexy pharmacist is always there to remind me. It’s basically his way of telling me everything is going to be okay. 🖤

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 8, 2021

My birthday is in a couple weeks. It falls on a weekend where my fiancé is home and sexy pharmacist is working. We were talking about it a couple weeks ago and decided to celebrate the weekend before!

I’m really excited. Not really sure what we’re doing yet, but I know we’re going to have anal sex for the first time together and my first time in general! He brought up doing anal before when we were discussing birthday plans and asked if I wanted to try it; I said yes and told him it’d be my first time. I mentioned doing it the past couple times I’ve slept over, but he wants to wait until my birthday celebration to take my anal virginity hehehe. He already bought lube & condoms so that we’d be prepared

So that’ll be an interesting new experience!!! I’m a little nervous; I’ve never done anything sexual with my asshole, and his dick is pretty big!!! But he is always so sweet and takes good care of me, so I know he’ll be go slow & be gentle and make sure I’m comfortable

I was looking at the schedule for the pharmacy for the next couple weeks earlier today. He was already off Saturday & Sunday since it’s his weekend off, but I noticed he took off the Friday, too! He didn’t mention taking Friday off to me, so I’m not sure if it’s so that we can have a prolonged birthday celebration or if he has something else to do that day. Would love to know though because I’m supposed to work a 12-hour shift at my other job that Friday and would hate to miss out on time with him if he was setting it aside for us!!!

He’s at work right now, but I think I’ll text him later and see what else he wants to do for my birthday! Won’t ask about that Friday specifically because I don’t want it to be awkward if he didn’t take it off for us LOL. But I think it’d be cute for us to get all dressed up and go to dinner before we go back to his house to be deviant. This past weekend we were talking about going hiking together, so maybe we will do that the next day! Who knows - but I’m excited

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 7, 2021 (technically the 8th - after midnight)

Had a really nice weekend with sexy pharmacist 🥰

Our plans almost got canceled. It started snowing a couple hours before I was supposed to go over there. We were really excited because we have been fantasizing about getting snowed-in at his house together. But then it turned into sleet, and he got nervous that the roads were going to get icey. He texted me saying to check the weather & roads before I left my apartment to make sure it was safe, and if it wasn’t, to let him know & we would reschedule plans because he didn’t want to put me in unnecessary danger. It was really sweet of him looking out for me like that. Fortunately, it was too warm for the sleet/ice to stick, and it was just raining normally when it was time for me to leave. So we proceeded with our plans!

Got there at 8pm, he was already making drinks for us, and we immediately started making out and his hands were literally all over me (which I love!!!). We made our pillow nest on his living room floor again, and I rode his dick til we both came together. 😋

We watched a good (kinda scary) movie and a documentary. We put on our pajamas and cuddled the entire time, and I loved it. I laid on his chest with our legs entangled and his arms around me, and it felt so right. Other times we would spoon and same thing - feeling his body pressed against mine with his arms wrapped around me was more comforting than I could’ve ever imagined.

He is so sweet and bought more vegan snacks for me, so halfway through the movie, we got our snacks (carrots & vegan ranch, mixed fruit bowl, pretzels filled w/ sunflower butter - so yummy) and brought them into our pillow nest and shared snacks while we watched the movie. It was so domestic and nice.

Went to his bedroom after and laid there and talked about life. It’s really cute brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed together. Naturally, we ended up fucking again before falling asleep 😛

We have also gotten into the habit of taking showers together every time we have sex, and I love them. His shower is a massive granite walk-in with a really nice shower head, and it gets so hot & steamy. We wash our bodies and then literally will spend 30 minutes standing in the hot water, holding our bodies together, and talking & laughing.

It’s also really cute because I accidentally stole his side of the bed the first time I slept over and didn’t realize it and have just slept on that side out of habit ever since. I finally realized it and asked him if I stole his side of the bed and he said yes but that he didn’t mind and liked that I was comfy 🥰

This morning, we got up and went back to our pillow nest in the living room, and he made us coffee with almond milk. Then we got hungry, and he cooked me a big vegan breakfast. It was so cute! He bought vegan sausages and made me those, breakfast potatoes, and toast with almond butter & strawberry jam with a side of fruit (banana, honeydew, canteloupe, and blueberries) with vegan yogurt and OJ to drink. He had the same thing minus the yogurt and also made himself some eggs. We ate at his dining room table in our PJs. His dining room has big windows & really nice natural lighting, and his house is like a big nice cabin and is very wooded, so it’s beautiful looking out the big windows and seeing all the trees, wildlife, lake, etc. It was really sweet & domestic

Then went to shower & get ready for the day. Started fucking in the shower and finished it on the bed and then ended up getting back in the shower because we didn’t actually wash ourselves the first time. 😛 Got dressed and sat on his bed & talked for a while. Went back to our pillow nest, watched some TV and relaxed, and then went out for lunch. Went to a burger place that I found that had vegan options, and it was in a nearby city that’s kinda up & coming and “hip.” Again, I love being so domestic - and it’s just simple things like stealing his french fries while he stole my tater tots.

It was nice to explore a little and get out in public together. My outfit was cute as fuck, and I loved walking around holding his hand & eating together because I know people are taking note of a hot 22-year-old girl and a sexy/fit 55-year-old man who are obviously fucking walking around together. Idk why but it is just so sexy to me - the big age gap; the fact that it’s obvious that we are having hot sex; knowing that people are wondering how we met, thinking that his dick must be bomb to get a younger girl, and that maybe he’s my sugar daddy; and the fact that I’m “alternative” (tattooed, pierced, big stretched lobes, wearing all black, ripped jeans, docs, etc.) and he’s “normal”. The young alternative girl + older non-alternative man combo is so sexy to me. 😍

Anyways, after that we went back to his house, and we were both sleepy. Went back to our pillow nest and took an afternoon nap. It was literally one of the best naps of my life! We had a space documentary playing on the TV that was really relaxing. I fell asleep on his chest with our legs entangled and then we spooned later on in the nap. It was the perfect length, so calm & quiet, and he is so warm.

After our nap, we had sex & showered again and then sat on his couch and talked for a bit. It was almost 6pm at this point, and I needed to start heading home, so we dissembled our nest and said our goodbyes.

It was a really wonderful night/day together. I feel so relaxed & comfortable with him. We laugh so much together and have such amazing sex. We talk a lot and tell each other stories & stuff about ourselves and are constantly learning new things about each other. With the way our dynamic is (and always has been since before we started sleeping together), it’s really easy to disclose info about ourselves to each other without fear of being judged.

He’s also just so sweet & thoughtful - buying & cooking me vegan food, always letting me pick the restaurant, letting me hog the water in the shower, letting me steal his side of the bed, etc. He also opened his garage for me so that I could park inside since the weather was so terrible. I usually just park in the driveway, and I know it doesn’t sound like anything special, but it was really cute when he texted me saying he opened the garage for me & to come on in. He said our cars looked really cute next to each other in his garage 🥰

He never rushes me home, always asks if I need anything, makes sure I drink enough water & stay hydrated, buys vodka & drinks it with me because it’s my drink of choice (even though I don’t think he’s a huge fan), makes playlists of my favorite bands to play at his house & in the car, and makes me feel welcome & comfortable.

Oh, and he was scrolling through pictures on his phone to show me something, and it was adorable because I could see that he saves all of the pictures I send him. I figured he would save the nudes, but I thought it was really cute that he saves face/clothed pictures too. Good reminder that it’s not all about sex (although the sex is wonderful)

Okay this post is long enough!!!

[borderline-queen]

Feb. 5, 2021

Worked w/ sexy pharmacist yesterday and got so upset because we were gonna have breakfast/make out in the break room together before our shift like usual. But the same tech that almost walked in on us last week showed up early to work and came & sat in the break room right next to us and totally cockblocked us 🙃

I was so annoyed because sexy pharmacist looked SO SEXY yesterday and I just wanted to touch him the second I saw him. He told me he was really upset about it too and that he had a raging hard-on in the shower that morning thinking about us making out and touching each other and was really bummed that we couldn’t do anything.

Fortunately, he’s off this weekend, and he texted me this morning asking if I want to come over Saturday night to have some fun 🥰 I’m so excited, and it made me feel really good that he invited me over so quickly again after just being there Monday night. I was scared we were gonna end up going another week or two apart like when he had the flu.

He makes me melt