borderlinebabys-blog

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Just a ramble...

yesterday was not a good day mentally but I feel a little bit better today. Looking over my habits the past few days, I've discovered that I've been binging nearly every other day. that is super not ideal. It also partially explains why I've been maintaining though. I know with my eating habits, more binges will come, I need to space them out more. I'm thinking a minimum of 3 days in between. I should start to see a lot more progress if I can manage this.

My boyfriend brought home brownies the other day and I want one so bad. I almost allowed myself one yesterday instead of my normal healthy snack but I knew that this would result in me losing control. I do still really really want one of those brownies but I cant give in until I'm ready to allow myself a binge. Most likely they will be eaten before then, there's only 3 left. Im considering hiding one in the freezer for when I'm ready for it but then I feel that if I allow myself the brownie, I wont be able to wait to eat it. I know we could always get more but I don't allow myself to buy unhealthy food like that unless its for my boyfriend or his kids. The brownies are 350 cals each.

My boyfriends daughter ate her dinner just fine last night, I still don't know exactly what she hid yesterday. This is such a dumb pet peeve of mine but everyone in this family leaves a minimum of one bite of food on their plate when they finish. Which is perfectly normal but growing up, we were always encouraged heavily to finish our plates. This mentality is definitely flawed and can contribute to an unhealthy relationship with food so I try to avoid saying anything to them about this. It just frustrates me a little.

I have decided that I fully don't believe most celebrities alleged weights. either they are wrong or my body dysmorphia is so bad I cant see it. There's no way that Nicki Minaj is 137 lbs at 5'2". I also don't think kim Kardashian is only 119 at that height. Does anyone else think celebrity weights are usually higher than what is reported? especially in reference to the shorter ones (5'2"-5'3"). Also along those lines the amount of jealousy I have for Sabrina carpenter and Ariana grande is actually insane. They get to be tiny and delicate and Im stuck living in a belugas body.

Honestly rambling like this right now is just my way of procrastinating getting on the treadmill. My legs are tired today but we must power through...

I guess that all, folks. smell ya later lol

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A little over 10 kg until my goal weight. It feels unreal to be this close...

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Just a ramble...

Temu things came in and the normal hit of dopamine I get opening the package didn't happen. It may just be because I'm down a bit today...I don't know but I'll probably take a break from ordering things other than maybe getting a few Christmas presents for other people.

My boyfriends daughter has been doing some sketchy stuff lately when it comes to food. We caught her putting some of the food she didn't want into a baggie to try and hide it from us, we also have an app on her phone that monitors everything and she told a few people that she didn't eat breakfast or dinner a couple of days last week. I think she was just saying that for attention tbh because I didn't find the food that she claims she didnt eat anywhere but we all know how easy it is to be sneaky like that when needed. Today when she got home from school I saw on the nanny cam that she took something out of her lunchbox and hid it under her stuffed animal. Im not entirely sure what it was but if she tries to put more food in the baggie later during dinner we will have no choice but to either confront her or make everyone eat dinner together so we can make sure she actually eating it. Anyway, I will be keeping a close eye on her around meal times for a bit to make sure shes not following in my footsteps...

I am extremely irritable today. Part of which is due to being very very hungry. Im also just fed up with my life. We were supposed to be getting rid of the kittens today but the person who wanted to take both of them decided she no longer wanted them. My boyfriend messaged some of the other people who were interested but hasn't heard back. I responded with something along the lines of "ugh...I need them gone" (I haven't been able to sleep very well lately due to them) and my boyfriend got kind of snappy with his response when I said this...I know I'm probably just reading too much into it but I hate when he gets grouchy at me like that. Also I'm SICK of him just doing nothing when he is home. There is so much that needs to be done, only things that he can do, and every time he is home he just sleeps, plays his damn video games, and complains that he sick or tired. Then he gets mad at me when I try to push him to actually do something. I'm getting really tired of his shit, getting tired of pretty much having no support when it comes to things involving HIS son or the house/animals. I've been wanting to leave for a while but days like today just push me closer and closer to walking out the door. I need to get my anxiety under control so that I can actually go out and meet people. I am currently talking to someone that I like and he likes me, wants me to move in with him and everything. I fear that its only a matter of time before he gets tired of me saying no every time he wants to come see me or take me out. I need to be brave...Theres just so much to worry about though...ugh...

Tonight my dinner will be the other half of the acorn squash I made on Saturday and a piece of avocado toast. Today's weigh in went alright...up from last weigh in but I think this evening when I weigh in again (I do morning and evening on weigh in days) it will be what it was last weigh in or maybe even lower. Taking into consideration the amount of calories actually consumed over the last few days I should not have gained any weight. I'm holding onto hope that it was up due to food still being in my digestive tract. Honestly who knows though...maybe I need to get a little more strict with myself...

All for now I guess. Might be on later but that's doubtful.

[borderlinebabys-blog]

Just a ramble...

So things are okay between the guy I was fighting with before. Today I mentioned that I had a bad night and that's why I did three hours on the treadmill and am scared for my weigh in tomorrow and he said that I worried him. I asked what he meant but he said that he didn't know how to bring it up so I told him that we didn't have to talk about it. I know that he was referring to my disordered eating. I wish he had just said what he wanted to say. I may try to encourage him to talk about it tomorrow, Ive got to be a little bit discreet about it though.

The last time I sent him a selfie he commented that I looked really thin. I ignored it because it made me kind of sad, I know he cares about me...

I am hoping that I'll either be the same weight as last weigh in or slightly lower but its not looking good. I made some charts in my log book to visually track my binges and begin measuring my waist at each weigh in. I also have a space for crossing off weights I've surpassed. The rule for that is I must have 2 weigh ins in a row lower than the weight to be able to cross it off. That way I can ensure that I wont go back to the previous weight. Given how much my weight fluctuates, this list may not last long but I'm giving it a shot.

Last night I had a really large binge but I burned over 1,500 cals on the treadmill today so I was able to make up for part of it. I fasted today and will get back on my normal schedule tomorrow.

Side note, I have two temu packages coming in tomorrow (surprise, surprise...I think I may have a slight shopping addiction). It's mostly jewelry and a few clothing items. I'll probably order more clothing items next time because I'm tired of wearing the same baggy t shirts and sweatpants.

Ta-ta for now lol

[borderlinebabys-blog]

Just a ramble...

its been a minute, ehh? Things have been alright on my end. I've only had a few days where I've fudged up. I've "made up" for each one by fasting the following day. I find that the less I focus on the actual disorder the easier it is to control. I think emotional pain also helps motivate me. The person I've been crushing on for the last 5 months has really shown his true colors the past week. The worst part is I'm not ready to let go. I just want him to get better. I know he is struggling right now and using me as a vessel to vent that stress. But I feel invisible to him. He knows about my mental health struggles but never seems to take that into consideration when he is upset over something I've done or said. Yesterday during our fight he said that he's tired of talking about the same old shit. I asked him what he was talking about and he mentioned that yesterday it seemed all we had to talk about was the weather. He is bored with me. I also feel that he sees me as an emotional burden, a mental liability. He spoke to me with such coldness and irregard to what was happening on my end. Something that I feel, I would never ever do to him. I just want him to apologize for how he treated me or I will have no choice but to leave for the sake of preserving my mental state. Im sure I'll be on here later, I doubt he will be messaging me very much.

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I'm back I guess, lol idk I had a different account but it somehow disappeared and I don't remember what email I used so she gone lmao. I binged last night but I actually tracked it this time. Usually when I binge I don't track but I need to start holding myself accountable! Yesterday's total (normal eating + binge) was just under 3500...fucking insane...today is a liquid fast, the only calories I can have today come from my 10 cal energy drink and my 40 cal collagen supplement. I'm going to make dinner for the kids then just laze in bed for the rest of the evening. I did my treadmill routine already. My stomach hurts. I may check my blood sugar level tonight considering most of the binge was sugar based. I'm mostly just curious to see the effects. I stepped on the scale this morning and was exactly 1 lb up from yesterday, I will check again before bed. If I get hungry, I will chug some water, maybe flavored which would be 5 calories but if it prevents me taking in food, I'll take the 5 cals! I am officially at a normal weight according to my bmi which is really exciting! A little under a year ago I would have never dreamed I'd be at a normal weight, it felt so far, it felt impossible. But now I'm here. And I'm never going back.

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NO. DONT GET URSELF THAT SWEET TREAT.

IT WONT BE A VERY SWEET TREAT AFTER UR BACK TO UR HW AFTER EATIN THAT SHI

STAY ON TRACK.

STAY MOTIVATED.

STAY SK1NNŸ.

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“you can suck in your stomach but your arms and thighs will always tell the truth”

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everyone will like you more when you weigh less

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if not now, then when? no offence but looking at you i don't think you can afford to wait any longer.

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I want to be like “anorexia has ruined yet another family outing” but really it’s just me. I’ve ruined another family outing.

[borderlinebabys-blog]

Food Log 7/29

I have decided to start logging my intake and activity as a way to hold myself accountable. All food and drinks will be logged, excluding water.

Breakfast- cheddar cheese flavored grits (100 cal) and monster (10 cal)

Lunch- monster (10 cal) and one square of Gatsby chocolate (10 cal), 2 sticks big red gum (20 cal)

Dinner- banana and wineberry "smoothie" with collagen (210 cal), dry sauteed mushrooms (54 cal) and salad with spinach, olives, roasted red pepper, pickles, and nopalitos (80 cal)

Total: 474

Exercise today: Stretching routine (30 min), fast walk (1 hr 30 min)

I also plan on starting to go to bed earlier to avoid the late night binges I've been having.

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TRY BEING MY SIZE, AMY.

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