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You Ever

had somebody tell you something that you really needed to hear and you didn't want to hear it but you really needed to hear it? Well, I really needed to hear something. 

 A recurring theme of things that I've gone through recently have been people saying “What is your purpose?” and “What do you keep waiting permission for?”

What do I keep waiting for permission for? I don't know.

 I really don't know.

For the longest time my biggest obstacle was just doing something at all, but now I'm doing something.

 But now that I'm doing something, what comes next? I don't know. I really don't know.

 I know what I would like to do. I want to be a play-by-play announcer. I want to be a sports analyst. I want to be on tv. I want to have a platform in which I can entertain and have a lot of creative autonomy with. I want the capital to be able to produce the things that I want.( fuck capitalism. but you guys know what I mean) I want to be able to create things like the Mad Marchness tournament. I want to be able to create the [redacted] but with WNBA players idea. I know things that I want to do.

 The biggest obstacle is how to freaking do it. And that I don't know. To get to the place to where I can do the thing that I want to do…I don't know.

And in comes the Atlanta voice. I go to an Atlanta journalists meeting. I met a journalist and now I'm doing a podcast..No idea how but I am. 

And this is the point where I know that people are utilizing me for me but I know I have to ask myself the question: What am I getting in return?

 And here comes somebody else at that newspaper asking me 'well what do I intend on getting from here?' What is my vision of my goal? I don't know.

Because I have the endpoint and I have where I am now, but I don't know the rest. And to be fair most people don't know the rest. But I just got challenged to ask myself what the what the fuck am I doing by somebody at that same newspaper (that's actually leaving lol) and I do have to ask myself the question what am I trying to get from this? What am I trying to get from this?

 I think I have to have a real conversation about how intentional I have to be with the powers that I have and intentional in the way in which I use them. Because I wasn’t aware of it entirely but now it's screaming at me. Yelling at me. Beating my head in. And I have to make decisions. 

And making decisions is so hard.

So very hard.

But mama ain't raise no punk bitch.

 I have to ask myself now more than ever what are the benefits from the things that I'm doing and is it mutual, am I getting something from this or are they using me for my talent and I'll have nothing to show for it in return? And it's kind of crazy for me to feel that way already because I don't have anything to my name. I clearly have something to my game if people are aware of it. But that's the biggest problem: People being aware of it.

And how do I get from where I am to where I want to be while having some money in my pocket,  while having some access to do the things that I want and to get to the place that I need to go? That is what I should be asking myself time, and time, and time, again. I can't just do it for people.

How many times do I have to keep on having to tell you old man??? You're good!

 How many times do other people have to tell you that old man? How many more times will people say this to you time and time again before you actually hear it? How many times do people do things for you before you feel it? How many times does stuff happen out of nowhere just by people being around you for 5 minutes and then they realize, Oh shit you are great? 

How many times?

I'm much more developed than I realize I am. I am much more capable than I realize that I am. I am. it. A girl has to start making more moonshots cuz I don't take enough of those. I don't think that I'm at the point in which I need to keep on developing. I need people to see what's already been developed.

But I keep thinking that I need to keep on proving myself. I keep on asking or waiting for somebody to give me permission. I keep on thinking this one person will say ‘oh my God you're the shit’ and then boom I'll have it figured out. Now granted that kind of happened with the whole Kiki and Hannah streaming thing yada yada yada but who the fuck cares?

Obviously I don't because I still internally don't believe them.

So if they can't make you believe, and all these years of working on this show can’t make you believe, and all these people that need to have you on your show can't make you believe, when will you believe? When will you believe? 

When will you believe in yourself?

 Where is this going?  Where are you going? What are you doing to make it there? Is it intentional?

 Who am I waiting permission for? 

 Who am I waiting permission for?

The answer?

 It’s me, nigga.

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Can't escape basketball Kiki's even if I want to man😭. Ran into another pro basketball Kiki. She ain't even from here man. What are the chances she shows up on MY home court on a day I usually don't shoot?

The universe just likes to laugh at me at this point.

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I spent so much time in my twenties convinced that my life was over, that I somehow ruined it beyond repair, that I was doomed to the life I had and nothing more. and now, in my mid thirties, i’m like wow.. this shit has actually just begun! I can and will create the life I want!

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i was such a weird lonely little girl and maybe i grew to be a weird lonely woman but idc i built this life for myself and maybe it doesn’t always make sense to others and maybe isn’t always easy or beautiful but it is mine and i cherish it

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No matter how good you end up doing, those hard times will creep up on you. You might feel emotional, sad, more on edge. And I don't say this to discourage you, but to tell you that it's normal. It doesn't mean you've failed. It's normal for things to fluctuate, and this also means that when it's hard, it will pass like it always does. It will be good again.

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Goodnight

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Maybe you're right. Maybe it could have been worse. But at the end of the day? It shouldn't have happened anyways. Regardless of whether it could have been worse, you deserved better. You should have had better. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you have, and you don't deserve to be invalidated by anyone, including yourself.

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As a 31 year old I’m telling you, life does not end after your twenties nor are you old in your 30s. I might have a smile line or two and some new aches in my body but there is so much more life to live. If you are feeling the inevitable passing of time a little more lately, I just want you to know that it is okay if you don’t have it all figured out yet by 18, 22, 25, or any age after. And you certainly don’t have to fit any mold that society has placed in front of you. Go at your own pace, be kind to yourself.

I promise there is time left for you.

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stop playing it cool, just be passionate and intense and insane and whoever sticks around is meant for you

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Words wording

I'm angry and upset.

ATT refuses to get my Internet situation right. How many times has coverage went out to start the year. 5? Once every couple weeks. Love that for us.

And I miss ole girl. I know she's busy with ball but I need her around. Not NEED need. I just really want her nonchalant trolling self to spit her snarky ass game to make me fold and blush like a pretzle (pretzels blush???).

I want to go to her game. I feel EYE am dropping the ball in that regard. I don't want her to think I'm not trying.

"If they wanted to, they would" is the vibe a lot of people be on and I was traveling. Going all over but not to her? Especially since she's so busy but always found time to kick it with me??

I hope she doesn't feel like I don't care.

But my brother is being difficult with this flight pass. You can't tell me all the time I need to be doing with MY career and feign all this concern but the, and I mean THEEE, SECOND I want to use it for work (and bae but that's besides the point) he wants to act weird.

And what's funny is I think he got offended that I made an Instagram post expressing my appreciation for the experiences that have been allowed to me BECAUSE of that flight pass.

I don't know why that man hates me, but it's not only blowing my progress with ol girl, it's locking me out the ability to go to some games in person for these games and 'cover' it. Connections at these events be real and I wanna explore. You also want her to explore your body don't lie

I think the timing blows me the most since the money for flights only gets higher as time passes and I already told this nigga I was saving money for career shit since it's been a HORRIFIC freelance season. I'd book shit like tickets on flights and games wayyy sooner had this not happened. But now this forces EVERYTHING to be last minute. And for big things like thousand dollar trips that eat into savings... Ugh.

I wanna get paid doing this shit I love man. And I can't be having the Internet or my own family trying to make shit difficult on me.

But in the pursuit of being great, unexpected shit happens all the time. I can mope or I can find a way to get it done.

I'm just secretly scared it's not really them and I go to the game and spend thousands of dollars just to be catfished and look silly. I can do that with half a stack but now that the whole stack is a factor with flight prices... Boy. That'd be humbling.

I'd fall into a deep depression from that shit, ngl.

Not even cause the crush heartbreak, although that'd def be a 13th reason. It's cause.. man like so many good things had been happening.

And admittedly the idea that Hannah and Kiki would be there to listen to me yap about the sport they play and ask me what I think about it... Man that gave me hope. I'd gotten praise from pros before but I didn't know who I was talking to until their thoughts became normal to me man.

The follows, the effort, the time. A lot of it came cause I wanted more time to flirt with her, NGL, but more of it came from passion. And excitement. An enthusiasm that I realized never died within me like a lof of other shoddy projects I start.

I like women's basketball. I LOVE women's basketball. It's the most certain I've ever been about pursuing a thing. It's the most passionate I've been for a long stretch of time about a thing since I've picked up my trombone.

I work harder than I ever had. I pick up from failure more than I ever had. I fight through my nervousness and insecurities more than I ever had.

It's not even in part from group pressure like trombone. This is all me. I'm being courageous. And it's from me. No one besides me. I have people behind me like the community and the people i follow. But overcoming the fear, is a solo act.

And I can toss it up to maturity, or reps. That's where the confidence comes from. I've been doing different versions of everything I've done before. It's just the first time it's looked like this.

But there's a confidence and courage in me that hasn't existed in me before because of this.

And I'd hate if one of the inciting factors to start me to believe was all based on a lie. That'd crush me in ways I can't fathom ngl.

The thought of it while writing is enough to start activating my tear ducts.

I'd survive. I'd pick myself up off the ground. But... Yeah. Pain. Just thinking that.

I think that's why I'm leaning on the flight pass so bad. Some less wasted money to go out to a good game. I'd rationalize that even if things were all a lie. That my source of hope was from a jerk with too much time on their hands would suck butttr good game at affordable prices tho! Idk.

But I don't HAVE that option anymore. Or at least I'd double check to see if I don't tomorrow by calling him IG.

And if he doesn't answer or respond, what next?

Do I risk spending money I'm already spending like crazy to go to a fantasy that's built on what could be a house of cards?..

Idk man. At least I'd probably see a hell of a basketball game.

Or I can keep that account and my ego a little bit safer and just go in the summer when I'd KNOW if she'd be a catfish and ... Have nothing to show for it. I'd just go to LA just cause lol..

Maybe I just convinced myself. Nothing good comes from being a scare bitch.

But nothing comes from being a broke bitch and I need money. I have some.. but how much will I have in a couple months if I don't get a gig off this March Madness effort.

Idk man. I'm lowkey stressing.

But there's a lot of good!

Respected names in the space are following and looking. And I'm going to demand more watch too. Not like in a weird way but more invite on show way. People enjoy the shenanigans. I'm fun. And people love the fun.

And I'll keep sticking my neck out there and seeing what happens. That's how I'm here in the first place right? Cause people like Mel encouraged me to follow the passion and see where it went.

And it's going guys. In a way I never imagined, it's going? I'm so stuck in the whirlwind idk if I know the extent of everything I do and I've done. Or will continue to do cause I just .. man I just want it.

I'm tired of waiting around. I spent 10years feeling stuck in the same place. I can finally put my dick on the table with what I've accidentally built and I just want to see it through.

I'm tired of being scared. Let's get active.

I think of Angel Reese tweeting to bet on yourself . And through all the bullshit she's been through, she's still found a way to keep going. A'ja too. Just be you nigga. And through the bullest of shit.. you'll get there..

And I will do. And get done. And maybe I shouldn't look at money too and cause I still have some and what I don't have I can lean on my people for.

But I just want it. I want to go after what's mine. I'm tired of hiding. I need my LeBron mask time. I need to get what's mine.

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Gameplan

Volunteer, Chipotle, Rest a bit, Court, Wash Hair, Watch Games again, Work.

I'm stressed and need a second to see the world in 3D again. A bit of a mix up is needed.

Yup yup, let's get it!

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by camprobber