boringbeigepillow

[boringbeigepillow]

i forgot this account existed

[boringbeigepillow]

i have never been so obssessed with someone and their music

like???

who gave him the right to be so AAAAAAAAAAA i will actually combust i adore him so much

he knows the very depths of my soul he gets it

[boringbeigepillow]

i hear this song in my dreams

[boringbeigepillow]

im really afraid im going to go my whole life without knowing what connection feels like.

ive had friend groups in the past but never felt close or cared for. i watched from the periphery as everyone else connected and grew closer and no matter how hard i tried to integrate myself there was always a barrier between me and them.

its gotten to the point where i dont even want to try and make friends because i feel i know how it ends. i'll feel ignored and neglected and unsafe, and i'll leave having made no impact on the people i spent months, or years around.

and i get so sick around people. i feel like i lose every ounce of individuality and become this desperate thing in constant need of reassurance and attention no one can provide. it feels like im holding my breath the entire time waiting for someone to show me i'm safe.

this should have gone in my notes app but i feel like oversharing on tumblr dot com today

[boringbeigepillow]

whenever i start to romanticize last year a little too much i go back and read my old journal. shit was a literal nightmare

[boringbeigepillow]

watching movies with people is amazing for my social anxiety. i get to spend time with people i like without spending the entire time obsessively worrying ill say something strange and off putting

[boringbeigepillow]

I WOULD HAVE DONE TONS OF COCAINE WITH YOU, AND KEPT YOU ALIVE FOREVER.

[boringbeigepillow]

ok if "life is meant to be suffering" then i dont want to be here?? why would i stick around for that????

[boringbeigepillow]

i forget i have a face a lot,, what do you mean i have a face people can see and make judgments about?? i am just a floating observer. i barely exist

[boringbeigepillow]

the good news is im dissociated to such an extreme that im not conscious at work, the bad news is i cant turn it off and am also not conscious at home

[boringbeigepillow]

do NOT watch tlou and get high

[boringbeigepillow]

elliott's voice makes me feel so safe, its so familiar and comforting. it feels like a hug ive desperately needed

[boringbeigepillow]

i genuinely do not know how people are able to maintain a single shread of sanity while having a job. i am actively losing my mind. i stayed up all night sobbing at the thought of waking up and going back to that place. all my time off is spend recovering from work and anxiety over having to go back. i just dont think i can do this for another 40, 60 years. i dont think im going to be able to maintain this until the end of the year at this rate.

its not even that bad of a job tbh, but it doesnt matter how good or bad a job is, every single one fills me with some mix of dread and despair and rage.

my only fucking options are work or die.

[boringbeigepillow]

time to go to sleep and do the exact same thing tomorrow again and again and again and again until the day i drop dead yippee!!!!

[boringbeigepillow]

im actually so proud of myself in how much ive grown in regards to my social anxiety

i was able to compliment someone's shirt today without my voice shaking and just aaaaaa last year my voice wouldve gotten stuck in my throat