bothsloth

[bothsloth]

Woah , my garage dog has arrived ,

[bothsloth]

[bothsloth]

went into a wine shop the other day to buy pasta and they did not have pasta but they were doing a wine tasting so i thought what the hell. and got to chatting with the other woman there because we had both just come from the library and were comparing our books and sipping wine and turns out we’re both teachers so we got on the topic of phones in classrooms—and the guy pouring our wine was like ‘that’s actually a point of contention in one of my divorces right now.’

and i very delicately said ‘one of your divorces?’ and his eyes got really big and he said I’M A PARALEGAL

[bothsloth]

no beta we die like mike and el’s relationship.

[bothsloth]

In every universe they will wear silly work uniforms together.

[bothsloth]

[bothsloth]

best part of KPop Demon Hunters is all the ridiculous faces the girls make

[bothsloth]

[bothsloth]

just overheard my dad on the phone going “yeah, i’d be more than happy to buy her daughter off of you, how much would you be willing to trade her for?” and got Very Worried for a second before remembering that he manages dairy farms for a living. surely there’s gotta be a better way to word that man

[bothsloth]

🌾🌾🌾

Harvesting my wheat

[bothsloth]

bad guy: *lowering me into a pit of piranhas*

me: just so you know that pool is not big enough for them at all and they also don't have any foliage to hide within in order to feel safe and by the way you obviously haven't been feeding them enough if they're ready to rend the flesh from my bone, the water looks scummy, and your pulley system looks extremely unsafe and none of your goons are wearing PPE despite the jagged spikes and open leaky pipes and-

bad guy: *frantically lowering the crank faster* please just die

[bothsloth]

friend just told me that he and his siblings used to play a game called "abraham lincoln and the slimy slug" wherein one person is abraham lincoln, with a full range of motion, and one person is a slimy slug inside a sleeping bag

and they would fight. and of course abraham lincoln would just beat the absolute shit out of the slimy slug

[bothsloth]

[bothsloth]

people can never prove they're friends with dustin normally, it's always 'let me jump off a cliff for you dustin,' 'let me throw a car at the evil russians trying to shoot you dustin,' 'let me bike eight miles for you dustin,' 'let me hear your voice from an alternate dimension dustin,' 'let me die in your arms dustin.' leave him ALONE why does he make everyone CRAZY

[bothsloth]

[bothsloth]

[bothsloth]

God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers and I'm dodging the draft