boylied

[boylied]

Animorphs Book Club- The Android

I know I said I’d skip a post one day to get back on schedule, but I can’t skip this one. I remember clearly getting this book and being So Ready. I also definitely had a crush on the cover model at like 9 years old (before I could understand what was happening), and that, combined with my affinity for Marco already, led to a good while where he was my favorite. Even more than Rachel (and y’all know I love my Girl). But, not one to judge a book by its cover, this book is a good start to a lot of in world complications that we don’t fully realize. So let’s get into it.

I know we all get tired of the recaps. But even just skimming this one, it sets up a lot of his character. It’s very visceral and descriptive. Repetitive, to drive home the point of what it’s really like to be a controller. And then he casually drops that his mother is one of them before explaining who she is. And that is what we call a trauma response.

I have no problem with them discovering Erek’s not human through the power of dog smelling. But I Must remind all of us that in Book 1, Jake used the same power to help determine that Tom was a controller. And then they retconned that ability. Just putting it out there.

RIP to the phonebook

As far as I know, there’s only one Planet Hollywood location in California.

I love when Tobias gets a chance to show off and be “ruler of the skies”. It almost makes up for them leaving him out so often.

“Tobias is a hawk. He has a right to be a hawk” Cassie’s really showing off her growth since the last book. 

Ax bonds with the boys and freaks them out even more. Also, this part always confused me. If we’re going to have an explanation for where your mass goes when you morph something smaller than yourself, what’s the explanation for when you morph something bigger? Where does the extra mass come from? Did they answer that and I just don’t remember?

Marco we all know why you leaned into the spider’s hunting instincts. We get it. It’s okay to borrow some power.

Ah man, I remember the first time I read the description of Marco being eaten alive. It was horrifying. His fears have been bubbling so close to the surface for so long. And now he’s powerless and dying slowly. And when he screamed out loud to everyone within thought speak range? I was sweating. But let us remember how Marco reacted to Cassie’s meltdown following termite. And now he’s having a meltdown in spider. 

As a kid, I loved the story of the Pemalites. But now I also question the validity of it. A race so advanced they transcended internal war, sure. But they were so advanced that they were alone in the galaxy? They never encountered another intelligent (space faring) species? I know that the Howlers were Crayak’s doing specifically. But unless the Penalties were absolutely and totally alone for tens of thousands of years, they’d know what conflict was. This feels like another red herring in the world of “war is black and white”. 

Once again, Marco looks down on someone because they want to protect something other than the human race. 

“I didn’t want to make this personal” you mean you didn’t want them to know that it was personal. Because it already is. (Jake, however, immediately admits that he’s doing this to get his brother back).

Once again, they are arguing about how they are planning to “destroy thousands of years of peace” but they haven’t actually had peace. They physically can’t harm another living creature. They happen to be physically and technologically capable enough to avoid conflict but they are in hiding. And at least some of them, clearly wish to be able to fight the yeerks, so this code becomes less of their built in value system and more of a “Ella Enchanted”-esque curse placed upon them. But the Chee seem to actively ignore all the ways they could be helpful without causing direct physical harm. You know what? I’m just gonna link this here: https://www.tumblr.com/light-wrath-paradise/783806700952125441/animorphs-book-club-book-10-the-android?source=share  Go read this post.

If there’s one thing you can count on KAA for, it’s a compelling morph action scene.

The Chee need to get more creative with how they fight in this war. They may not experience causing violence, but they have witnessed it. Even if it was mostly just human on human atrocities. They know what they can and can’t get away with. And I won’t bother going on and on about how they are willfully choosing to step back. Creativity and strategy wins wars. 

[boylied]

Animorphs Book Club- The Secret

I know I’m a week late. But here’s my review of The Secret. I’ve gone back to freelancing, and I just have less time now. At some point, I’ll probably end up just skipping a book post just to get back on track. But for now- 

This is honestly another book that I can’t really remember the plot right off the bat. But it’s early Cassie, so I have a good feeling. 

I still love the slice of life scenes we get. And honestly, learning that Cassie’s grades are suffering amidst all this war is so funny. These kids are too stressed to worry about science class. But also, both of them morphing rat? BOTH of them?? That is so dumb and unnecessary. These kids do need to stay in school.

Love that the girls both turned into rats, and then the big discovery is that they left the ceiling fan on. But also, were there no consequences to losing their school rat in the walls?

In a previous book, I talked about how if they weren’t sucked into a war, Jake and Marco would probably be nearing the end of their friendship soon. I think for the girls, it’s the opposite. We’ve talked before about how the girls start to resent each other for the qualities they themselves lack and they admire in each other. We see here, early on in the war that they still admire each other, but they both do a version of that “I’m not like other girls” routine. But they’re also in middle school, so it makes sense that they’d rebel against femininity. I like to think that eventually, Rachel would get into some kind of underground scene that matches her personality more than fashion model. And Cassie will eventually experiment with letting herself dress up more girly for special occasions. And they’d still have each other. (Sorry Im Emotional. Just let the girls grow up together, dammit).

We get to see the early signs of “Cassie cares about the planet and the rest are over it because they care more about humans” I really hate the way the others treat Cassie here. Because she’s right? But also, I am living in 2025, when national forests are in danger. So maybe I’m biased. But either way, they’re supposed to be saving Earth. Did we forget the whole debate back when the Ellimist offered them a way out? Back then they were all about saving the earth as a whole and not just humans, but now all of a sudden they don’t care about the forest as long as they survive?

RIP to Cassie’s dad’s old pick up truck

Cassie learning that the skunk kits are alone in the woods and almost having a break down. I know she needs to toughen up a bit, but it makes sense given everything going on. Empathy is not a flaw.

This part is true horror. And I love horror. I can’t remember who posted, but one of y’all wrote a beautiful post about the language of this chapter adding to the horror element. About the continued use of “I” tricks us into thinking Cassie’s in charge, and that we don’t fully realize who the “alien voice” is at first. I’m reminded of the descriptions of controllers and yeerks talking to each other (or ignoring each other). And I’m also thinking ahead to when Cassie has her adventure with Aldrea. But mostly, I’m connecting with Cassie being forced to kill for survival. There’s no room for morals, or considering the least evil course of action, or what’s fair. She is put in the hypothetical scenario, “gun to your head, what would you do?” And she does it. Later this will torment her. But she did it.

“Welcome to the club” no literally. Tobias straight attempted suicide and then ran away into the woods for a couple of days. Cassie’s allowed to have one meltdown after a termite morph. And yes, obviously Tobias is the perfect one to give her advice about nature and being a killer. 

Jake does that teen boy thing of being unable to understand his emotions, so now he’s yelling at Cassie because he’s scared and doesn’t understand her motivations.

I wish I could find the post someone wrote about Cassie needing to have control over something in her life. And how she’s latching onto these skunk kits because it’s her last chance to feel like she’s able to do something helpful. I can’t remember who wrote it, but it was a very good post.

Once again, I have to empathize with Cassie here. Teenage me definitely  would not have felt the same way. But now that I’ve got a fully developed frontal lobe, I really think that sometimes- the best way to fix your own problems is to help someone else. Even if that someone else happens to be a littler of skunk kits. Every winter I get depressed and I’ve found the best way to combat that is to get a job teaching kids. Not watching them full time, but partial. Giving back to the next generation. Helping create a foundation that will live beyond myself. So no, Cassie, you’re not crazy.

I’m sorry. But did Jake just yell at his dog to go home from the middle of the woods? Like, they’re out in the woods near the skunk den right? So first, Homer just followed Jake all the way from the suburbs? Against Jake’s will? And now he’s sending him off alone to go home? Am I crazy for thinking this is unrealistic?

Again, we see that desperation drives the kids to more direct action. There’s no time for a long complicated plan, so they decide to just grab the guy. Will this work out better or worse than killing the termite queen? I honestly don’t remember. But they’re getting better at making quick decisions.

This is actually a super important conversation between Cassie and Tobias. I’ve admitted before that Cassie has some growing up to do. But she is the one who eventually finds solutions to end the war. Not just drive the yeerks away from Earth and save humanity, but to ultimately end the yeerks conquest across the galaxy. And it starts with conversations like this. It starts with musings over right and wrong, nature and survival, parasites and predators and hosts and prey. Some people are good at living in the world, and some people have no choice but to change the world. The animorphs are playing checkers and Cassie’s out here playing 4D chess and she doesn’t even realize they’re playing different games. She just thinks she’s not good at checkers.

Okay, this might be objectively the funniest way they end a battle. 

[boylied]

Good day Mr Flanagan. please what does "the rest is confetti" mean to you and in the context it was used in hill house??

Okay, here we go. Buckle up for a long read.

To answer this, I've got to explain a little bit about what was happening and where I was when I sat down to write episode 10 of The Haunting of Hill House.

Hill House was not a fun shoot. The picture above is from very early in production, when I was still chubby and happy.

It was my first foray into television. I was absolutely terrified that I'd mess it up. So I'd opted to direct all of the episodes myself, figuring that - if nothing else - I'd have no one else to blame if it went south.

It was the most grueling professional experience of my career. The shoot was by no means a smooth one, every day was an uphill battle from a budgetary perspective, and between the three giant production entities involved with the production, I spent a lot of time fighting over the creative and logistical elements of the series.

I began losing weight. I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day.

By the end of the shoot, I had dropped almost 40 lbs.

I was very depressed. Every day was a battle, and for the first time in my career, I wasn't excited to go to work in the morning. We were fighting for basic resources, fighting for the show we wanted, and even fighting amongst ourselves by the end. It was grueling.

We hadn't written all of the scripts when we started production. I believe we had finished through episode 7, but the rest of the scripts had to be finished while we were already shooting.

We'd mapped everything out in the writers room, and I had great support on the other episodes, but I was writing the finale solo. I'd thought I'd be able to juggle it with everything else. I quickly fell behind.

I finally got to the script about halfway through production. I'd work on it between takes at the monitor, and then get home to our tiny rental house in Atlanta, where Kate was waiting with our baby son. (One of the rare bright spots of this shoot came when Kate found out she was pregnant about halfway through production. We even named our daughter Theodora, in honor of her origins.)

I'd typically fall down from exhaustion when I got home, but I had to push through it and work on the script. My weekends were spent shotlisting and prepping for upcoming episodes. We didn't have enough time to stay ahead of prep, so every available day was used for that... I went three months without a single day off at one point.

I'd sit up late staring at the script. I was in a dark, dark place. Overwhelmed, exhausted, and feeling like I lived in an eternal present. Each day bled into the next and it didn't feel like there was an end in sight. That feeling of unreality was heightened because we kept returning to the same sets, same locations, and even the same scenes throughout the 100 shooting-day production. Stepping back into the exact room we had shot in days or weeks or even months ago made the whole thing feel absolutely surreal. Making movies is always an non-linear experience, but this one felt particularly so... it was like the days of our lives were happening to us all out of order.

I remember feeling something like despair creeping into my daily experience on the show. And I remember dwelling on that when I got into the scene work of episode 10.

As I worked through the draft, I recall that despair coloring a lot of what was on the page. My filter was breaking down. There's a monologue at the beginning of the episode where Steven's wife Leigh (played by my dear friend Samantha Sloyan) spews out a torrent of eviscerating insults about Steve's value as a writer. That is just me vomiting onto myself. She was voicing all of my deepest insecurities about myself at the time, and of what I was doing with this series.

She says "Is anything real before you write it, Steve? The things you write about, they're real. Those people are real, their feelings are real, their pain is real - but not to you, is it. Not until you chew it up, digest it, and shit it out onto a piece of paper and even then, it's a pale imitation at best."

This was the mindset I was in for a lot of the shoot. The writing became a reflection of a lot of that turmoil, and I knew who I was referring to in that monologue - I was talking about my family. I was talking about how much of their lives I'd used as building material for this show. I was talking about the fact that I'd lost two loved ones to suicide, and seen what it had done to my mother in particular. And I knew I was using - possibly even exploiting - those people for this series.

There's a lot of despair in this episode. The Red Room, as we conceived it, was a place that would feed upon those emotions. Grief, sadness, loss... those were the real ghosts of our series, and where our characters find themselves at the start of the finale. They're being slowly digested - eaten alive - by those feelings.

So finally, it came time to write Nell's final scene with her siblings. I knew from the outline we'd constructed in the writers room what this was supposed to accomplish - she was supposed to be their salvation. She was supposed to take all of these feelings that we'd been wrestling with and finally provide catharsis... finally say something that would free everyone.

I remember sitting with a blinking cursor for a long time. The Crain siblings had just turned and seen Nellie standing by the door, and suddenly were able to hear her speak. But what should she say? What would I say? What would I want someone to say to me?

What she ultimately says lays bare a lot of what I was thinking about when it comes to grief. It exists outside of linear time, much as I felt I existed at the time. That sense of eternal present, that sense of a nonlinear eternity of moments and memories - it all came out in her speech to her brothers and sisters.

I remember feeling, looking at my insane present and looking back at my past, how strangely overwhelmed I was by memories. That I wasn't experiencing time in a straight line, and hadn't been for a while - for the better part of a year, I'd felt more like I was standing in a whirlwind of moments. "Our moments fall around us like..." Nell said, and I recall sitting back and trying to find the words.

"Rain," for certain, but there was something too uniform about that. The moments of life as I experienced them weren't that orderly, they weren't that small. They didn't fall the same way. Some sailed by, fast and unremarkable, while others lingered in front of me, twisting and stretching. So it was a good word, but not the right word. I left it on the page though.

"Snow" was my next attempt. Better, in that I imagined the snow blowing in the wind, swirling and dancing and feeling more organic. More chaotic. More like life. But for some reason, the word that stuck with me, the word I felt Nell Crain would connect with was...

"Confetti."

And that was because I was thinking not of Victoria Pedretti at this point, but of Violet McGraw.

Violet played Young Nell, and I wondered what she might have said if she experienced time this way. As an adult, Nell was despairing. Nell was overwhelmed. But as a child... there was an innocence to the word. There was a joy to the word.

I imagined moments falling around her, this little girl with the big smile and the wide eyes. Her moments would be colorful. They would be of different shapes and sizes, some falling fast and some falling slow, flipping and turning and dancing in the air, independent of the others. Sparkling, whirling, doing lazy summersaults as they sauntered down to Earth.

I thought of myself, and of the members of my family. I thought of those we'd lost. I realized what I hoped for them, and for us all, in the end... was to look upon that mosaic of experience, that avalanche of days and minutes and moments... and to smile with some of the joy we had as children.

And this, I thought, was something that gave me hope. This gave me a glimpse of some kind of salvation for them. This was also how I hoped my life might seem if I was a ghost - a cascade of color and light and shape and movement, something I could dance in.

So Nell smiled and said... "or confetti."

It stuck with me. The rest of her monologue gets heavy again, and gets to the real point of the show - the point of the whole series, if I'm honest - and that's forgiveness.

I figured the only thing that would let the Crain children out of the Red Room was to be forgiven. I thought of the losses in my own family, and I thought of what I wished for my mother and for my aunts and uncles and cousins and I tried to pour that into her final words.

"I loved you completely, and you loved me the same," she said, "that's all." And this was the point I wanted the most to make. That at the end of our life, if we can say this about each other, the rest doesn't matter. The rest is that rainstorm, or that blizzard, that fell around this one central truth, and maybe built itself in piles around it, to the point we lost sight of it along the way.

And I thought again of that little girl, and almost as an afterthought, wrote "The rest is confetti."

I liked the way it sounded, but I was insecure about the line. I almost took it out, in fact. I remember asking Kate to read the scene and talking about that last line with her. "Is it too cute?" I wondered. She was on the fence. "Depends on how it's acted," she said, and I figured she was right. We could always take it out if it didn't work. The scene could end with "I loved you completely, and you loved me the same. That's all."

Why not shoot it and see what happened.

I turned in the script, we published it quickly so that we could start breaking it down and prepping it. And the next morning I was back on set. I'd deal with episode 10 when it came down the pipe again, sometime in the coming months. We had a lot of shooting to get through before I had to worry about it.

I recall Netflix asking me to cut a lot of that monologue, and I remember them also having questions about the "confetti" line. I pointed out that it didn't cost us any extra to shoot it all, it was only words, and fought to keep the script intact.

Ultimately, they insisted I make a series of cuts on the page. I begrudgingly agreed, but left Nell's speech alone. I made superficial cuts around it, throughout the draft, and even considered changing the font size to fool them into thinking it had gotten shorter (I ultimately was told I wouldn't fool anyone and not to risk starting a war). But Nellie's final goodbye stayed intact.

It must be said - Victoria Pedretti SLAUGHTERED this scene.

By the time we got around to filming it, things had never been worse for the production. There was almost nothing left for a lot of us. Tensions were sky-high, resources had been exhausted completely, and we were all ready to give up.

Filming in the mold-ridden Red Room was depressing, morose, and led to a lot of arguments and unpleasantness. The room itself just felt gross, always, and we were in there for days at a time. The last thing we had to shoot in there was Nellie's goodbye.

Victoria came to set having to push through pages of monologue, and she did so with captivating bravado. I recall being teary-eyed at the monitor watching her work. And when we finally made it to the last line, I watched her deliver it with... a smile. A sincere, innocent, longing, joyful smile. A smile informed by the sadness, grief, and loss of her own situation, of her own life... but a smile that finds forgiveness and grace after all. Pedretti knew how to say the line, and how that word would work.

And as she said it, I knew it would stay in the show.

Over the years, that sentence has become something of a tagline for The Haunting of Hill House. I'm always a bit mystified and touched when I see people approach me with the line on T-shirts, or even tattooed on their bodies.

I started signing it with autographs back in 2020 after enough fans asked me to. Now it's my go-to when I sign anything related to Hill House.

The line, for me, represents a lot of things.

It's about the insane, chaotic, non-linear experience of making that show. It's about trying to find and hold onto joy, even in the grips of despair.

It's about the way the moments of our lives aren't linear, not really, and how we may be unable to understand them as we exist in their flurry. It's about finding hope, innocence and forgiveness in the final reckoning.

And it's about how, outside of our love for each other, the rest is just... well, it's fleeting. It's colorful. It's overwhelming. It's blinding. It's dancing. And, if we look at it right, it's beautiful. But it's also light. It's tinsel. It flits and dances and falls and fades, it's as light as air.

The rest is the stuff that falls around us, and flits away into nothing.

It's the love that stays.

[boylied]

Animorphs Book Club- The Alien

Sorry I’m a bit late for this one. It’s been a crazy week (I was on five planes within the span of four days) and I haven’t even been online for most of it. But we finally get an Ax book. I remember being so intrigued by him and never having any Ax books of my own. I finally found them at a library. It was not enough time to figure him out. Let’s try again now that I my brain is finished forming.

I love that aliens across media are always stunned at how much water Earth has. In a universe where sentient life has popped up all over, a water planet is still remarkable?

I have mentioned before that I was a parentified eldest child. As such, I really don’t vibe too much with Ax’s viewpoint around Elfangor. But I think this small scene between the brothers is so cute. I can’t help but think about when the Ellimist plucked Elfangor from Earth and, when trying to convince him to return to the war, the Ellimist used Ax’s existence as fodder. Elfangor returned, in part, to be with Ax and protect him. And we were robbed of getting to see the brothers together.

I love the diary entries.

“I would have liked to have Tobias’s DNA, but that was not possible,” Cute.

I love the whole trope of a bunch of kids trying to show an alien their human society, only for it to go horribly wrong. But this is the only example I can think of where we get to see it from the alien’s POV. I love the dramatic irony. But also, Ax is losing his mind over movie theater popcorn and candy. I just know a bowl of gumbo would kill him.

“Rachel is a true warrior,” I know that’s right

Chekhov’s rattle snake.

First instance of Ax calling Tobias his Bestie. I know he thinks being besties would mean having no secrets, but he does not really that All middle school friendships involve secrets and drama.

Jake’s fury at the fact that Ax withheld information for him specifically to manipulate him into destroying the kandrona. Fast forward to endgame when Jake keeps Rachel’s solo mission secret specifically to prevent the others from putting a stop to it. Presently, Jake says “you don’t know a thing about [humans].” So I ask, does Jake eventually lose his humanity? Or is Jake the one who doesn’t humans?

KA Applegate does Who’s On First?

It’s funny thinking about what things Ax describes for us versus what things he assumes we know. He takes the time to explain that the Andalite sky has anywhere from two to four moons. But he never bothers to lay out how he eats (until -for character arc reasons- he is forced to explain to the animorphs later). He mentions that books seem more advanced than computers to the Andantes, but thinks that the program he found in Marco’s house is a children’s game.

Part of what’s fun with these books is figuring out what’s going on when the narrator isn’t around. What’s fascinating here is that we know that Ax is keeping secrets, and the Animorphs now know that he’s actively keeping secrets, not just being mysterious. And now we see Tobias come talk to Ax alone. And then Marco. And then Cassie. And it’s like, they’re really getting together aside and being like, Who is the best one for the job? Who’s gonna get him to open up?”

The Hork Bajir have a bio clock that sets them warring every 62 years? I did not remember this little fact. But I was always interested in the world building aspect of the series (Work-Bajir chronicles was my Favorite book). And now I’m thinking this was definitely a design by the Arn to keep control over the population and distract them in case they ever got brave.

“Cassie has talent. Morphing does not happen to be my talent.” Ax is so funny because he is clearly a good fighter. But he has admitted that he didn’t pay attention during school. He doesn’t remember much about xenobiology, or the more advanced sciences (by Andalite standards), never cared for art, isn’t that good at morph control. He only cared about fighting and being like Elfangor. And because we’re human readers, we click more with the Animorphs and think of Ax as this advanced, alien being who is more advanced than humans, but in reality, they got saddled with the Andalite version of the middle school jock. Omg- Ax is Jake this explains so much.

The communications between Ax and his home planet is just *chef’s kiss*. We get to see him relieved and emotional to just see another Andalite. We get to see him go back to normal operations, giving his report and finding comfort in the familiar. We get to see him admit the uncomfortable, and vehemently defend both Elfangor’s actions and the humans as a whole. Ax being bullied and pressured by an older, well respected Andalite into lying and taking the blame (apparently this call will NOT be recorded for training and quality purposes). And we see the very beginning of Ax getting radicalized. 

Also, I get that it’s devastating to lose your eldest son. But you hear from your long lost son, who you didn’t know for certain was alive. He tells you his brother died, and your immediate response is “well you better go get his killer, kid.” Stone cold Pops. I get that it’s tradition, but it’s giving shot gun wedding vibes.

Also love seeing more insight into Yeerk society. They’re parasitic slugs, but they’re capable of love and relationships. Is this their own capabilities? Or a byproduct of their hosts? I seem to remember that their reproductive cycle includes self destruction to create the next generation? So I doubt their biology would evolve to include romantic love or familial feelings. So my hunch is that Yeerks can develop friendships and share bonds with each other, but they only grow to develop romance and family after taking hosts that have that biological urge (Visser 1 being the most prominent).

Once again, Cassie’s the goat. This whole deal with Seerow’s Kindness gets me itchy. My memory is fuzzy but it’s taken what- roughly 70-80 years for the Andalites to go from kind space explorers to traumatized, walled off space cops. When I was younger I thought this was such a good story for children. You start off kind, someone betrays you, and you close yourself off to prevent it from happening again while beefing with your ex. It ruins your next relationship (the Hork-Bajir). And then someone else comes along and finally teaches you how to love again. That love and healing is more powerful than fear and secrets. But now that I’m older, I realize that most adults haven’t grasped this concept either.

I wonder how many would have lived if they had just mercy killed Alloran.

But of course we end with a PSA on unity across species and the pursuit of freedom. Lovely.

Also shout out to @emeraldmew for the comparison “Apparently more than you, you CLOD.”

[boylied]

I don't have the brain power for my thoughts about Seerow's Kindness at the moment so instead I'll sign off for the night with this:

<Do not say what you are about to say, Aximili,> Lirem warned. <Do not disobey the laws of our people.> <I . . . Prince Lirem, these humans are my people now. And, sir, with all due respect to the law and to you, I won't let the humans be destroyed as the Hork-Bajir were destroyed. Not while I live.>

What do you know about the Earth?

Apparently more than you, you CLOD!

[boylied]

There's a world of character development between Ax not killing a random guy because he might be Tom in #6, to holding Tom at tailblade-point in #53.

Oh yes, 100%. In #6, Ax still very much sees Jake as Surrogate Elfangor and sees Elfangor as perfect. If Jake says they're going to rescue Tom, then they're going to rescue Tom. Jake is going to succeed where Ax himself failed, Jake is going to rescue his older brother, Jake is going to save his planet, Jake is a war-prince exactly like all the other princes.

And then. An entire lifetime's worth of growing up, and growing together, over the next three years. Including:

The moment in #8 where Jake is naïvely ecstatic at the idea of yeerks dying because he assumes those humans are just going to walk free now, and Ax having to be the one to tell him the truth.

Their conversation at the end of #11, where Jake begs Ax for reassurance that he's not a failure to Elfangor's memory and Ax admits for the first time that maybe Elfangor was also just a guy doing his best while in over his head.

Ax getting slapped in the face with the failings of andalite war-princes in #18, and also watching Jake step up to fill in their gaps.

Their whole exchange in #26: Jake knows that Ax is tearing himself apart over having run away from the howlers, Ax knows that Jake knows. And then Jake asks Ax to be the one to risk everything drawing the howlers into their trap because he knows Ax needs this, and Ax knows that Jake knows, and Jake knows that Ax knows that Jake knows... but all they ever say out loud to each other is "Don't call me prince"/"Yes, Prince Jake."

All the times Ax has to defend following Jake when talking to fellow andalites: #8, #18, #38, #40, #45-46, #54. And the way that Ax shifts from "He's a war-prince because... because he is, okay?" to "Shut up, Prince Gonrod, and listen to the guy who has 100x the experience fighting yeerks that you do" forces him to verbalize all the ways that Ax may have forced Jake into this role, but Jake sure as hell rose to the occasion.

The agonizing scene in #49 where Tobias realizes Jake's too late to save his family, Ax realizes Jake's too late to save his family, and Jake... dribbles Tom's in circles and chatters about lawn mowers. Where we don't know for sure how much Jake is actually being naïve vs. how much he's in denial, but Tobias and Ax try again and again and again to get Jake to realize it's too late. They fail; it takes "Jean" firing a dracon beam at Jake's head for Jake to finally notice he's failed.

Ax being offered the title of prince in #51. With all that that entails. And all he has to do in return is give up on Jake.

By #53 Ax knows: he's following a human being. A fallible, immature human with no formal training. A human that Ax loves dearly, will soon risk disgrace and dismemberment to protect, a human more qualified than any human or any andalite to protect Earth from yeerks... but just some guy. Some guy who's doing his best, in over his head. Some guy who, like Ax, won't be strong enough to save his big brother. A guy who needs someone to protect him at times, the way Ax wishes he could've protected Elfangor. Even when that protection means facing down hard truths that Jake himself cannot see. Jake's blind spot is Tom, always has been, always will be. Ax would be doing humanity a favor to kill Tom right there, and Ax understands better than anyone why he cannot do that to Jake.

[boylied]

The Animorphs becoming less politically aware as the series progresses is very funny. Rachel knows in 6 that their governor is preparing to run for president. Jake recognizes that a mask is supposed to be Newt Gingrich in 27. But by 51, not one of them even knows the governor's name or gender. Talk about tunnel vision.

It's true. That said, I feel like this is also down to personality. Rachel is more connected to politics because of her mom, whereas Tobias is like "is the governor a bird and/or a hork-bajir? No? Then I don't give a shit."

[boylied]

Animorphs Book Club- Megamorphs 1

This book. This is one of the first Animorphs books I actually owned. I don’t know where I bought it or when. But I do remember reading this book out of order. And I clearly remember looking at the faded cover and reading it over and over and over. But, like all of the Animorphs, I don’t think I’ve read it since I was maybe 15 or 16. This is gonna be a good one. 

Damnit. I forgot we start off with Jake.

Also, I just realized the comparison. They keep saying “you can never know if the person you’re talking to is a controller.” “They can be anyone.” “Evil lurks behind everyone’s eyes.” And it’s like yes. I grew up queer in the South. I have experienced this level of anxiety. 

Jake immediately outs Marco’s mom.

Tobias, like the common farmer, is prejudiced against crows.

Rachel is reluctant to take a break from killing.

Cassie is afraid of responsibility again.

Marco, Tobias, and Ax being the three scrooges. Marco comes up with a dumb and convoluted plan, Ax is naively pressured into helping without understanding the nuances of the plan, and Tobias tags along to chastise them, but also because he wants to see what’ll happen. I wish we had more of these three being dumb kids together.

The amnesia trope. In general, I like it. I think it’s an interesting device to allow for various shenanigans, and I’ve used it before in my own writing. But I think this is my favorite use of it. A character who can’t remember anything about herself wakes up mid morph? She’s half eagle and has to figure out whether she’s even human or not? The dramatic irony is JUICY.

“I’ve probably dialed that number every day for years.” My most old man take is that I miss when it was normal and exciting to call your friends daily. I wish my friends called me.

Also, I forgot how weird the pacing in this book is. The chapters aren’t super long, but maybe it’s the constant pop jumps? Things just seem to be moving very quickly. But at the same time, not fast at all. 

I remember being flabbergasted as a kid when I got to the part where the homeless woman alludes to the yeerks. The idea that someone is a freed controller was so strange. But now in hindsight, it’s even more interesting. I read a post somewhere that she was probably someone whose yeerk died of starvation after they destroyed the kandrona. I also am having trouble remembering a bit where a yeerk, dying, tries to get out of a host’s head, but dies halfway and leaves half their dead body in the host’s head. Could this cause a sort of madness we’re seeing in the homeless woman?

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that these children are investigating the wreckage and the only conclusion they can come to is that their friend was Brutally Murdered to the point where absolutely no remains were left. 

Interesting chapter from Cassie here. She continues with her fear from earlier: deciding who lives and who dies, wanting to stay safe without letting down her friends, her confidence in her role within the group, etc. I feel like the fandom hates on her a lot for these insecurities, but let us remember that she is, like 13 years old. But more importantly, she wonders if Jake is being sexist in sending her to the mall. She notes that no one, especially Jake, would do that to Rachel. The self comparisons go both ways between these two. I remember a post somewhere that talked about how the girls simultaneously both value each other’s qualities/role within the group and also resent each other for those same qualities. I just wish they had the time and space to be able to mature enough to value themselves the way they value each other.

And now we get Ax’s chapter where all is revealed. Really, we couldn’t get this exposition any other way. It also explains to us why the creature didn’t attack Cassie who is currently morphing at the mall.

“Some of my advisers have been suggesting you terrorists were human,” yeah, because not too long ago they DEMORPHED TO HUMAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEERK POOL FOOD COURT

Honestly, fuck whoever called the cops because they thought someone was sleeping in the empty house. Mind yo business and house the homeless.

A moment of silence for Cassie’s dad’s pick up truck.

Wait. Rachel just learned her name, but she knows that she once looked up how much the largest elephant ever found weighs? How do amnesia work?

Jersey drivers catching strays outta nowhere.

Once again, I gotta defend Cassie. I know a lot of people hate her and point to this moment, where she did nothing and let the veleek take Marco. But let me say again, that she is a CHILD. She is terrified. I helped raise both my little siblings and let me tell you, either of them at 13 would have done the same thing. I protected those kids from shit and I saw how they reacted to danger. Sometimes kids take a little while to toughen up and that is fine. Cassie has her own strengths and the team sure has hell uses them. If she could do everything, people would cry about her being a Mary Sue. So back up off my girl.

I’m crying at how they gave Tobias a one page chapter where he’s literally just looking for a whale. I get that they left him out so far, but come on now.

Also the return of the magical talking whales.

[boylied]

Over 6 months in the making (mostly bc procrastination) but I finally compiled my Kanto Gym Leader Magazine series. I love the idea of an in-universe style fashion publication where they all do interviews about their hobbies and stuff

Want something like this for your own OC? My commissions are open!!

[boylied]

Pokemon VHS covers

[boylied]

My name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. I am an Andalite. It was my brother, Prince Elfangor, who gave the humans the power to morph. He had been injured trying to drive the Yeerks away from Earth. And, when he crash-landed his fighter, it was Jake, Rachel, Tobias, Cassie, and Marco who found him. It was Visser Three who killed my brother, so my human friends have told me. Someday I will avenge that death. I must kill Visser Three or be dishonored.

Ax. Ax. These are the first two paragraphs you've ever narrated.

And they call Jake the serious one.

[boylied]

how each narrator talks about themselves vs. how they're viewed by the other narrators is always interesting but it's perhaps the most interesting in Rachel books

[boylied]

Animorphs Book Club- The Stranger

I’m gonna be honest, off the top of my head, I do not remember a single thing about this book. Rachel’s my fave, as always, so I know I’ll enjoy it. But which one is this? No idea. So let’s get into it.

I appreciate the recap being less than a page long.

I don’t think about Rachel’s dad that often, probably because he’s mostly absent. But he really does have a major impact on Rachel. She openly admits how alike they are, and it’s the first time she gives positive connotations to her own skills and qualities. (See my last report on a Rachel book where she compares herself to Cassie). But when comparing herself to her dad, she strives to be like him and to do things that he would approve of. (Also, a news anchor, olympic level ex gymnast? Who gave Rachel her genetics? As a kid, I just Knew he’s hot. But as an adult? He gives up custody of his kids and moves to a different city. He’s a fuckboy. And we all deserve better).

More ecoterrorism.

“It’s not about cheap thrills. It’s about feeling like I am involved in something very important.” This is what Rachel will cling to for the rest of the series (her life). No matter what she does, what acts she commits, no matter how grey they become. She’s on the good guy team, so she must be good. Right?

Oh wait, now I remember the plot. This is them deciding after having one and a half good plans that they’re ready to try and destroy the yeerk kandrona. This was also a plot point in the board game I believe. I loved that game.

I think I forget about Rachel’s home life from time to time. But eldest daughter of divorced parents, lives with the emotionally distant one and resembles the absent parent? She was me. Of course I didn’t want to think about her home life. It was my home life. And I read these books to Not think about my home life.

“I just left. Let him feel what it’s like” okay girl.

I take it back, he’s worse than a fuckboy. He’s moving away from his daughters to a different state. And because he’s afraid of being lonely, he asks his 13 year old daughter to decide to move with him. He doesn’t give up the new job to stay more in his daughters’ lives. He doesn’t go to court to get an official ruling (although let’s be honest, he could never beat Naomi in court). He puts it on Rachel to decide. He tells her about a possible big time gymnastics opportunity, and about all the fun sports games and activities they could go on together. He’d be a terrible parent. He just wants his friend to go with him. But she’s not his friend, she’s his daughter.

On reread, I think this is the beginning of Rachel’s downward spiral. The way she considers a normal life for an hour, but then immediately feels guilty by comparing herself to Tobias. She buries herself further by doubling down on the idea that she never gives up a fight. She had plenty of things in her life, but she’s just decided that she’ll give up anything and everything for the fight. And she will continue down this path until she’s killed by a polar bear morph.

Rachel’s instinct is to run and hug Tobias because for the first time she can. And Tobias’s first instinct is to cream and try to fly away. I’m crying and laughing at the same time.

Also, the kids meet god. Marco cracks jokes, and Rachel yells at him.

And now I’m stressing that they just demorphed to HUMAN in front of a cafeteria full of controllers. Even if we suspend disbelief and consider that all of the controllers missed it and thought they morphed INTO human form- is no one suspicious that one of the bandits remained andante while the others morphed? And does no one recognize these human children? 

Is this the first time Rachel’s lost control and gave into the blood lust? She blames it on being new to the grizzly morph, but she admits that she mixed the grizzly anger with her own. The parallels to beginner drug use are eerie. And for his part, Jake helps bring her back to herself, but he immediately admits that the grizzly -that Rachel using the grizzly- saved their lives. Can we count this as foreshadowing score- 5?

This book does a really good job of using the juxtaposition of the kids’ normal lives against their animorph problems. Having to go to school and raise my siblings had me walking in a daze. This shit is zombifying.

Can confirm that Keanu Reeves was very cute in 1997.

“I wasn’t brave. I was just blind.” Very symbolic. As Rachel slips deeper into warrior mode, she looks less and less. She thinks less because looking inward starts to scare her. She starts feeling less because it makes her job harder. 

They also made god laugh.

This was a beautiful book. It’s nice to see Rachel when she still has her grip on her humanity. She loves her parents. She’s tough and strong and she takes pride in that. And for a brief moment, she considered letting herself be taken care of. But she knows that’s not who she is. Also, I love the old pause the mission to have the characters stand in the elevator gag.

[boylied]

So why did Jake see Not!Sauron as Temrash died?

Wrong answers only.

[boylied]

I've been rewatching Usher, and I made it to Vic's episode. I think it might be my favorite. Aside from T'Nia Miller being an absolute goddess in everything she does, and my undying love for The Tell Tale Heart, this death is so tragic.

I don't disagree that Freddy sucks ass, and his death is the most stisfying because of what he's been doing to Morie. I don't disagree that watching Perry was shocking and horrific as the first death. And of course, the absolute horror of Tamerlane's insomnia and insecurities being her downfall is closest to a chilling reality. But Victorine was actively evil. Verna tells us that Camille hated Vic becuase they were the same, but Vic hid her true nature better. Everyone knew that Camille cleaned up messes, and she got her hands dirty to help keep everyone else clean. Tammy, as obsessed as she was, ultimately wanted the Usher name to stand for true health and wellness, instead of drugs. Freddy had no agency, and only tried to do whatever Roderick told him to. Leo and Perry just threw themselves into party boy lifestyles. But Victorine? Vic never wanted to save lives. She wanted fame. I saw a post somewhere about how Verna's haunting speech to Vic almost went unnoticed because it happened in her office, but Vic was so focused on the heart mesh clicking to even hear it. And how this was the exact way to show how self absorbed she really was. Camille told us how Vic's heart mesh wasn't even hers; it belonged to the surgeon, and that's why she started fucking the surgeon.

I wonder how Ali even fell in love with Vic in the first place. But whyever it took this long, Ali finally reaches her breaking point and announces that she's leaving and exposing Vic. And Vic can't accept that because she doesn't even realize that she's evil. She thinks she's doing the right thing. She's so used to controlling everyone's perception of her, and being viewed as the saintly, goodly benefactor. She gives medicine to the underprivileged, she's fighting to prevent strokes and heart attacks. She's trying to save the world. And now she's finally lost control. And in a fit of rage, She kills the one person who was actually doing any good in her life.

But she can't face that either. She's not a killer, she's a savior. So she puts the mesh on Ali's heart and gives her the space she needs. And finally, when she finally gets the support and love from her dad that she's always craved, she's too far gone for it to even matter. This series is full of bad people who justify their actions to others. But we see the wrong teachings transcend generations. This show is about legacy. And we see what is passed down to the children. But they are all, at least somewhat consciously aware of how fucked up they all are. Except Vic. She really thinks she's doing the right thing. And that's what makes her so tragic.

[boylied]

Animorphs Book Club- The Capture

Here we go. It’s time, once again, for our white bread, General Mills, Quaker Oats virgin, wet blanket boy. (Can you hear my distaste?)

“That’s one of the things he calls me…But it’s a joke we’ve had for years.” Actually, now that I think of it, maybe I just can’t relate to the view point of a younger sibling? Especially one with functional, still married parents? Is this why I like the others more? Is Jake opening my eyes to my own self discovery? Or should I go to bed?

It’s funny to think of how many times they’re going to use the cockroach morph. And we never really think about the horror of turning into one except for this first time. And in front of s mirror? Kafka is rolling.

“Could I destroy my own brother?” Yes. And your cousin. And your relationship with your girlfriend. But you’re right. You don’t have to worry about that yet.

“Cassie helps with all the work, except for doing surgery. But I’ll bet she could do that too.” Foreshadowing score- 3

The Jake and Marco dynamic has always been a bit interesting. They both actively admit that they have little in common and disagree all the time. It would be interesting to see how much longer they would have stayed best friends if the war hadn’t happened. The transition from middle to high school probably would have been where they grow apart and make new friends. (Also when Marco realizes his crush on Jake and has to deal with the process all young queer kids go through after realizing they’ve fallen for their straight best friend).

I also forgot that this book definitely did Not help my childhood fear of going to the doctor.

Rachel invented Girl Math.

Roaches and Flies in one book? Plus the first time they see a flea up close? Why was KAA in love with bugs during this month?

They came to the decision to boil the years really quickly. I can’t decide if this is a product of their naivety; the fact that at this point in the story they think in the black and white terms of Yeerks = evil, Andalies and Humans = good. Or if they just don’t think at all. Either way, I’m surprised Cassie didn’t say anything.

Noting how when Jake is down, Rachel immediately takes charge and gives orders. This is gonna be such a huge source of conflict for her later, and yet before she goes insane with bloodlust, she’s just as much a natural leader as Jake is.

The yeerk doing an evil monologue trope at Jake to explain his evil plot? Hilarious. Even as a kid reading this the first time, I wondered if there were any yeerks who entered their hosts and went “Hey. What’s up? My name is ____. Nice to meet you. No hard feelings. I just gotta do my job if I wanna not be brutally murdered. Please keep the noise to a minimum.” But I guess that wouldn’t be as exciting, plot wise.

“Blood test and sees something that shows him I’m an Animorph?” Foreshadowing Score - 4.

Temrash 114 is Not a good villain. He starts with his evil monologue to scare Jake, but it ends up being a bad start to his charade. Then he lets his emotions come out when he’s face to face with Ax, which fully blows his cover (first a little, then a lot). And finally, he completely underestimates the other Animorphs. Yes, Rachel, Ax, and Tobias are ostensibly the strong willed ones. They’re the ones who probably never would have caught on that Jake was a controller. But now that they know, they’re stonewalls. But Marco and Cassie? If not for Ax, Marco probably would have figured it out first. And we know that he has the ability to be ice cold. He’d never let the yeerk convince him. And trying to use his mom against him? (We already know that’s what Temrash is planning). It’ll only close him off more. (Yeerks know nothing of parentified children and their coping mechanisms. And most likely, neither does Jake. Thank goodness). And of course, Temrash thinks Cassie’s affections are weakness. Do I even need to explain that love is strength and not weakness? Or are we all on the same page here?

Jake experiences death, ayahuasca style, and sees Satan.

Okay, we all know I’m not a Jake fan. But this was a good one. I take back my bullying of Jake.

[boylied]

the way the Ax as Jake b plot would be so fucking funny

The capture is one of my favorite animorphs books

We finally get a first person view of what it's like to be a controller and we get some insight into yeerk psychology

And! We get to see how far the kids have come with planning ahead and neutralizing a threat

In the Animorphs: The Animated Series that lives in my head, I would break this book into two episodes, one focusing on the cockroach espionage and the team learning the hospital plan

And then a second episode just dedicated to Jake being infested (with Ax-as-Jake b plot)