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bpgthoughts · 5 months ago

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This week Cornertime Confidential wanted to take a look at how to become a Daddy to an adult boy. It's important to know there are a zillion of idiosyncratic ways to do this. The Dirty Daddy blog has some useful guidance that can serve as a good baseline for you to use when thinking about how to do this in a Discipline-centered relationship or friendship. The content below is excerpted to apply most specifically for boys and the Men Who Spank them. The entire post can be found in the link in The Dirty Daddy byline below.

Being Daddy, Part I

by The Dirty Daddy*

First, let's begin with a brief introduction of the terms and what they really mean.

Daddy: A Daddy is a dominant figure, quite literally a Dom in relation to those called Sir or even Master. Dominant is the term for the entire spectrum of roles that take that role in this kind of relationship. Daddy is pretty common vernacular for an older male who is both gay and dominant/masculine. It’s been used for ages in that context and in this one maintains that meaning.

A Daddy is a guide, a mentor, a teacher, and much more to his boy. Daddy is someone who will protect him, nurture him, and help him to become the best boy he can be while he learns to explore his desires and their boundaries.

A Daddy is a figure of strength of character, if not body as well, who has at his fingertips a library full of experience and wisdom and understanding. At least, that’s how it should probably feel to the boy. Beyond the mask of “Daddy” there will always be the usual ‘self doubts’ and such, but Daddy is a role you’ve chosen to play and so those things get put aside in favor of being the Daddy his boy deserves. The return on such investment is the devotion of a boy and there’s little better than that in the world.

son/boy: A son/boy is a submissive partner, meaning that the boy yields and defers to the instruction and guidance of his Dom, in this case his Daddy.

Power Exchange: The concept of a power exchange is central to the Dominance and submission found in this kind of relationship. The power is, obviously, given by the boy to his Daddy in the form of obedience, respect, and control. This goes both ways beyond the surface because a boy maintains, at all times, the power to end a play session entirely or just call for a break through the use of ‘safe words’ he and his Daddy come up with.

This is one of the few Cardinal Rules of Daddy/boy relationships, especially those that branch out into fetish, kink, ageplay, or roleplay in other areas. Breaking the ‘safe rule’ is tantamount to abuse and fully crosses the line into such. Part of a power exchange is trust and the fail safe of the safe word should never be violated.

Dominance: The role of the Dominant figure in a Dom/sub relationship is one who is in control both of activity and of his boy. This can take many forms from physical dominance where you bodily control your boys movements (read: a bit of rough play) or charismatic dominance through the use of spoken words or more gentle physical stimulation.

submission: A submissive boy chooses to yield to the guidance and control of the one he calls Daddy. Of course, as part of the power exchange, the boy does maintain the ability to halt play to help Daddy better understand the boy's boundaries.

The power exchange between submissive and Dominant is what I refer to as the “Daddy/boy Dynamic". It is the interaction between the two, Dom and sub, in their roles as Daddy and boy.

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Both Daddy and boy put forth a lot of effort in this dynamic, but both are rewarded equally. The challenges facing a Daddy require certain kinds of traits and skills to help them manage the situations that can arise. The following are a few of those:

Communication and Understanding.

One of the things that I find critical in any form of Dom/sub or BDSM play is communication. To me this is one of the most important skills you can develop and to help teach your boy there is virtually no skill as valuable. As a Daddy you have to understand that a boy may be shy about expressing himself intimately. Part of your role is to help create an atmosphere that allows him to ‘come out of his shell’ and begin to explore and integrate his desires into himself safely.

The challenge in that is that he often won’t know what to say, how to explain things he’s feeling or even be aware he’s hiding them. It’s not to be deceptive, it’s simply a matter of being unsure of himself. To deal with this and to guide him to that safe space you have to encourage him to communicate as best as he can without fear of judgement. Being able to do so will foster confidence in his ability to express himself and lead to stronger communication between you both.

You aren’t a therapist and shouldn’t try to be. But being able to understand where a boy is coming from and help him to come to terms with his desires and feelings is a very important part of being a Daddy. You are in a unique position, one of respect and guidance in his life. You can help him set boundaries by establishing ‘Rules’ for his behavior and/or provide him with tasks that help him overcome his inhibitions because of the authority the role imparts to you as Daddy.

It’s in your hands to know when and where to use ‘the heavy hand’ and force a sit down intervention when it comes to his behavior. If he’s expected to tell you the truth, a lie requires such a moment and as a figure of Discipline, this tool in your toolbox can be used to encourage communication. It can be as simple as “We need to talk about __(insert problem here)____. Come, sit here, and let's talk”.

Domination and Leadership

Dominance is expressed though communication, verbal and non-verbal, more often than it is through physical force. Yes both have their place and the balance of which is yours to decide you are comfortable with and to be moderated by your boys needs and limits. Words however are a key component of the "role play" of this particular form of Dom/sub.

As illustrated in the example in the section on communication, verbal dominance isn’t raising your voice, shouting while flailing and gesturing. Those indicate a loss of control and diminish your authority. This situation lets the boy know you’ve been "pushed" (as some boys will do), and that he has "won" the contest between you two. [Thankfully for both you and your boy, you will want to employ Corporal Punishment in such circumstances].

There are many verbal cues you can use to express dominance:

Closed sentences the express finality, not requiring a response from your boy. ("It's time for dinner." or "I want to see you in your room in 5 minutes." etc.)

Inflection and tone.

Use of specific words and phrases like ‘good boy.’

These can become powerful tools to express your Dominance with yourboy without closing lines of communication. A quick, sharp, "Now!" can bring a boy out of his reverie and to attention without yelling, snapping, or ever raising a hand.

Being physically dominant can be tricky if you aren’t physically powerful or appear to be. This is not to say that a ‘smaller’ framed person can’t be physically dominant in every sense that phrase can mean. Learning where a boy’s body bends, where it must lock in place, and where to touch to make his pulse race and knees buckle are all tools of physical dominance above and beyond any bondage or restraint play.

Part of the role of Daddy and the Dominance that that means is two key phrases that center on the same action: Permission. As the Daddy in the situation the power given you in the exchange is the power to say no or to say yes. A boy retains the "no" of the safe word, yes. However, in some situations the boy does not say ‘No!’ to Daddy and can risk a firm, rebuke for getting out of line. This puts the ability to give or deny pleasure to your boy squarely in your hands. You are the ‘keeper’ of his pleasure. If his desire is to please and serve Daddy, it’s within your purview to outright deny this to him or to allow him to indulge his need.

Pro-tip: My advice (and don’t tell boys this!) is that you appear to deny, but in reality only delay to a point of your choosing. I do this for several reasons; it makes him push himself to stay in control and obey, it gives rise to a moan or a whine from him in disappointment and then later in excitation and release of that tension. Do this right, be dominant and careful with his pleasure and you can guide him to an entirely different kind of pleasure: the kind a true boy receives from being so to a Daddy who is worthy of it.

When thinking about Domination it’s important to put it along side it’s companion trait of Leadership. It’s not enough to be Dominant to be a Daddy, you also must be a leader and a good one at that. You not only need to know where you are going, and taking your boy, but you have to be able to get him there step by tiny step if need be.

Where dominance is the application of permission, leadership truly leans more on action and direction. You ‘take control’ of the scene, direct your boy and the activity you two are sharing. You do this in part through the use of Dominance play, but also with clear instruction or demonstration. It’s part of your job to take him step by step through things as you instruct him, but it is also important to know when to take your hands ‘off the wheel,’ and let him prove that he’s paid attention and learned.

Command vs. Demand

This brings me to a very sticky situation that is often mishandled or misunderstood and in order to get you off to a better start I’m going to dismantle this problem now.

There is a whole world of difference between a command and a demand. A command doesn’t need to be shouted or be forceful to be obeyed. There is loyalty, trust and understanding when a command is given that gives it a strong chance of being followed. This however is in very stark contrast to a demand.

The best example I can give to illustrate the difference is a quote: “If you have to remind someone that you are king, then you truly aren’t’. A King commands by right, authority and nobility (quite a bit like a Daddy) but a tyrant (or a toddler) demands because they think they are entitled to obedience.

As a Daddy it is very important to give a command and to demand nothing. Demanding diminishes your power and influence. Screaming "Respect my authority!" gets you contempt. Demanding respect never earns it, giving it does.

When being commanding you are being dominant with very ‘final’ sounding tone and choice of words, making it clear that your boy is to do as he is told without having to stoop to using those words. “Do as you’re told!” Obedience is expected of him, not demanded, and your boy willingly gives that to you so there is no need to demand. It makes you look weak if you have to yell for what you already have.

Confidence and ownership

Part of being able to be a Dominant, commanding leader in a boy's life is confidence or at least the perception of it. Everyone has weak moments or falters, but what is important is that you keep moving and don’t let it stop you from being Daddy. You see examples of this when something goes ‘wrong’ during play and someone gets embarrassed and wants to run away.

The key there is ‘moving on’ without being hindered by it. It doesn’t matter where or when, things go wrong. That's life! But if you let it get the best of you, it can erode your confidence which is something a boy looks to his Daddy for.

To that end I have a motto: Own what you do and where you go.

Everything. Everywhere. Whatever the occasion or location, if you are there, it is yours. Not in the demanding sense but simply because you were there. You don’t scream for special attention or be petty, you simply are the boss. If you are performing, or walking down the street or shopping in a store, wherever you are belongs to you. It’s that ‘air’ that gets peoples attention without being obnoxious about it. It’s that aura that confidence exudes.

In a more private setting, what you do with your boy requires a sense of ‘ownership’ of the activity. When showing him how good he can feel, be in complete control of yourself and the activity. It’s your show after all, and while he’s the "lovely assistant from the audience," you are still the magician. When something goes wrong, roll with the punches but maintain ‘ownership’ of the scene. Turn the oops into laughter when you can do so but don’t let it stop your pace or cause you to lose control.

Developing Your style

When considering being a Daddy ... there’s absolutely nothing wrong with role playing. However, at no point should you feel pressured to be more than you are comfortable with, and the same is true of your boy. Learn where your interests and boundaries lie and explore them. Figure out what are your ‘limits’ and what are guidelines. If you feel that being a Daddy might be worth experiencing then it is worth exploring.

Part of being a Daddy means figuring out what works for you as much as what works for your boy. If you both aren’t having fun then something went sideways. Backtrack to put it back on course again. That’s an important thing to pay attention to, and I’ll cover in more detail later, a boy may ‘give in’ because he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to do. The reality is that you two should be checking in with each other “Does that feel good?” or "You like that boy?" Little things like that are very important to refining your approach and technique with your boy. There is as much give and take in the process as there is decision on your part as the Daddy.

This process involves deciding what ‘kind’ of Daddy you want to be, what fulfills your needs and makes you happiest.

You have to decide, for yourself, where you are comfortable and what fits best with your relationship with your boy. Not every boy is built the same, obviously, and so a varied approach tends to yield better results over all. This said, there is more that can be incorporated than just Domination, submission and those scales.

Kink, roleplay, and fetish

Daddy/boy by definition is contains all three of these things: kink, roleplay, and fetish. It’s considered kink, simply because it’s not vanilla. While a boy may seek out a Daddy, and vice versa, because of traits that could be a fetish, that's not all there is to it. Being a Daddy (or being a boy for that matter) is a form of mutual expression and shared enjoyment.

Part of the umbrella that includes this form of Domination and submission is a whole realm of activities that are considered kink as well. From Spanking to bondage and much more. There really aren’t limits to what you can do together that you agree together to enjoy.

boys enjoy being Spanked as well as the Daddys who enjoy administering those Spankings. The important thing is to explore together and discover what you both enjoy. With compromise, cooperation and communication you can both safely explore the limits of your ability to share pleasure. I highly encourage such when those kinks, roleplay preferences, and fetishes are present.

Roleplay on the other hand is a central element of Daddy/boy relationships. What we do as Daddy and boy, for many reasons, is a form of roleplay. Consider it like acting, and you have a part to play in a scene. This is, in fact, the source for the vernacular of ‘scene’ and ‘play,’ not because they aren’t to say serious or deep, but to remind others that it’s meant to be enjoyed as you play out a fantasy. Roleplay itself has so many varieties that it’s impossible to really cover even an introduction to it, but what matters most about all of them is language.

The word choice, the way things are said, are all important parts of this kind of play within a relationship. Even more than being physically dominant or older or anything else, the words you use as a Daddy have the power to stimulate your boy. Part of the process of helping a boy come out of his shell and get to know his desires while learning to express them is discovering the right words to say along the way.

Enjoyment of the ‘familial’ fantasy can be part of this for some, but only some. In their fantasies they act out scenes of ‘home life’ and play parts according to the mental script for it. From the soccer coach and star player to the priest and altar boy, these are fantasies being explored and played out as the people involved adopt the role of their choice. There’s nothing of reality to any of it, but as part of a scene you get to participate in the interactive experience of fulfilling fantasies together.

One element to roleplay that isn’t often viewed as such is that of the ‘boy wife’ or the use of non-sexually appropriate things. The language used is a major part of those fantasies. The idea of impregnating a boy is scientifically and medically impossible (currently, LOL), but it is a serious turn on for some people to play out that kind of scene.

The unifying theme to these elements is that they are forms of expression through acting out various fantasies or simply by adopting the roles as a more regular part of the time spent together. That’s the core element of Daddy that matters, that it’s part of who you are to them and for whatever reason they have decided so, it’s the role you get to play.

Being a Daddy isn’t just a facet of who you are, it’s something a boy enables and gives you the ability to be. You aren’t really a Daddy without being with a boy who pins that medal on your chest.

*from the Dirty Daddy Blog

Be sure to tune in on Friday when we share Part II or "Being Daddy" by The Dirty Daddy.