brainvttic

[brainvttic]

summer without you is as cold as winter. winter without you is even colder.

[brainvttic]

old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine on framing. on this floor a homeless man is reading prince harry’s biography and i’m flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central asia

[brainvttic]

https://www.instagram.com/dayoungphotographer/

[brainvttic]

I am not a nice man...

It is important for her to understand that. It's going to save her a great deal of time and effort. There is not a warmer, kinder me waiting to be coaxed out into the light.

I am acerbic. I can be cruel. It's who I am. Right to the bottom. I'm neither proud of this, nor ashamed of it. It simply is. And in my work, my nature has been an advantage far more often that it's been a hindrance. I'm not gonna change.

So why am I good to her? Yeah for the most part I consider her to be... exceptional. So I make an exceptional effort to accommodate her. But she must accept that for as long as she chooses to be in my life, there will occasionally be fallout from my behaviour.

That must be a part of our understanding and I know no one can accept that forever.

[brainvttic]

The things that I do, you think I do them because I’m a good person. I do them because it would hurt too much not to.

Not because I’m deep down a good person but because it hurts. All of this. Everything I see, everything I hear, touch, or smell. The conclusions that I’m able to draw. The things that are revealed to me. The ugliness.

My work focuses me. It helps. You say I’m using my gifts, I say I’m just treating them. So I cannot in good conscious pass all of that onto someone else. Sorry.

[brainvttic]

A famous statistician once stated that while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what anyone man will do. But with precision, say what an average man will do.

Individuals vary, percentages remain constant. So says the statistician.

[brainvttic]

Is love real?

Love, short answer, is a human construct. A hedge against the terror of mortality. I believe that. Doesn’t count for the amount of times I’ve felt it myself. With my family, her, even after a fashion, friends. It vexes. Love is either a human construct or it’s a real thing no?

The question cannot be answered. The concept of love exists therefore it is useful even if it is a human construct. It exists because it serves a need. A question that can be answered is ‘why is love needed?’

[brainvttic]

reflection on 2021

the world is balanced on a knife edge of destruction every single day. you accept that, and you can just get in with things.

[brainvttic]

For a long while now I’ve suspected that connection with another person, real connection, simply isn’t possible. I’m curious if you disagree, although I suspect you feel as I do in this as you do in so many other things. So tell me; is it possible to truly know another person? Is it even a worthwhile pursuit?

Yours is the only opinion I’ll trust, the only point of view that holds even the faintest interest. I find my diversions as I always do, but the days are long in this grey place.

I dearly hope you’ll write soon.

Yours truly,

[brainvttic]

@sarashakeel

[brainvttic]

[brainvttic]

[brainvttic]

[brainvttic]

[brainvttic]

[brainvttic]

[brainvttic]