bravoindigodelta-blog

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

Let’s embrace the point of no return

Unknown

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

03/10/19

Yearned to be away

Over the seas

On islands and in cities

Rocks and beams

In loud as hell bars and quiet parks

I was with...me

Observed

Got the jist of others

That a smile will change a persons face so quickly

That’s all you need to do

Is smile

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

12/17/18

It’s a gray day- 12/17/18

Engine humming under my feet. Out the window the coastline fades, and in front we heed forward into the waves breaking beyond the jetties. Rough seas. Trips on these days are not for the weak stomach. As large as this boat is it is nothing up against the ocean. Still amazes me every time that no matter how much weight they put into this boat it is still buoyant.

Not far out of the harbor its a very jagged ride.

I somewhat reluctant to be on this boat. a) could have stayed to hang out with Jack B)I never make the boat I want on time c)would have been nice to pack slowly and figure out what Im doing

What am I doing? I quit a job that was pretty cool, and I liked. Not working for the winter is terrifying to me. I shouldn’t be so scared though. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. Just keep that on repeat. If it’s not I’ll just deal with it like usual.

This boat is rocking like fucking crazy and there’s just children running around. They will fall. They will fall. It’s easy to say I’ve been through worse. The first time I came over this year, in April.

Just save and be smart. It’ll all be fine.

Would have liked to see how Jack would have worked out. He’s young though. But apparently thats a thing for me lately. Not mad.

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

12/14/18

What a fucking mess I’ve made. such an idiot.

enough. enough of that

I need to give my notice, the more time goes by the worse it gets. i feel so guilty, but I can’t do it. Its just not for me. I’m not sure if I need sleep or food or both. I need to not be a fucking monster and destroy my body. Surprised I’m still ok, like all the shit I’ve done. Gotta be ending soon.

I have to put an end to it. Stop being so reckless with your shit. You look like hell. WTF like I don’t feel well. I can’t continue doing this. My week, my hours of sleep are all messed up. I want to cook but I’m too lazy. My eye is starting to twitch and I’m shaking more and more. I need a massage like nobodies business. do i get another coffee? no, no

A nantucket summer is like a dream. It happens so fast you hardly believe you went through it. Like all the stuff I’ve done. So much to account for. Should I have done it differently? Funny how things changed so quickly with David. Flipped it all in an instant. I should leave here. Now I’m lingering.

Relationship advice with me- don’t

I have too much I need to fix, with myself. I need to be less paranoid- but to counter that Ive always been fucked over. Can no one these days be faithful? All you have to do is not fuck someone else. Apparently that’s too fucking hard. Shame really.

i think I like these glasses. Thats what I need to do. Im kind of tired but I don’t want to just sit in my room. Too much time on my hands. How long do I stay in nh. What’s keeping me here, is it just because I’m trying to be resilient. To say I did it. Shit, I don’t know anymore.

The bathrooms here are popular

I mean for the time I’ve been here there’s been at least two random people that have come in to use it. And he doesn’t use the hand blower. Interesting. Maybe thats what I should write about. blog? would anyone read it? id look like i was doing something important, but really doing nothing at all. funny. you see the people on computers and wonder are they actually doing real work? And thats me right now. Being in a public place being anti social. weird thought. And another person comes in and doesn’t order anything. looks at the food, then the bulletin board, then leaves. curious.

I wonder if or where that movie is or what it was called, such an old movie. and if I find it would i want to watch it?

Do I want to ask? weird random ass text, there’s always just don’t answer. Thats a pretty good answer.

I’m excited to go home though. I just nervous I’ll be bored soon. I have nothing to do.

I’m shaking like a mother fucker right now. is this the feeling before you pass out. is this the feeling that will make me change what the fuck im doing? no. never is.

likeliest night. tried to be emotional and couldn’t. I could not cry. I wanted to, I was upset. you cry when your upset, right? is there something wrong with me? - yes that answer is yes. of course there is.

this song is hilarious, remember to listen to this later- lil dicky- lemme freak haha

what the hell

how is this a song. a lot of story. how do you remember all the story. guess you just keep saying it a lot. hilarious

also hobo johnson is great. is this background music supposed to be there? wasn’t before or did i just not notice. I like to think I’m pretty perceptive. Maybe not though

am I an asshole? do I not smile enough, not acknowledging people around me. I want to burst into tears, will someone, a stranger come to console or just watch and wonder. Look the other way and pretend it’s not happening because they don’t want to deal with it.

hes cute. they’re all taken here. shit

I need to think of something awesome to do

vacations probably, or learn to knit or some shit

take a second look and walk away

these two over here. two ladies, on swayed coming in. that caught my eye. looking longer than just seeing who’s coming in

i feel like I’m in the twilight zone. time is weird, it could be really late.

and now im just smiling at my computer

i wonder if brandon got my letter

did he write back? will he? and why am i getting back into this. he’s trouble. big trouble. why just leave it alone. like with adam. he was just done. haven’t heard from him since.weird. or is it? I mean, thats basically my m.o. thats what I do. real good at ghosting. I want to go out cause i look good, cute. i deserve a beer. it was a rough night. fucking crazy. i am an asshole. what am i getting involved with. and what I did. jesus christ. like calm down. I need a chaperone. shouldn’t be allowed to do half the shit i am. fuck. so much has changed.

i wonder if Ryan ever thinks of me. worst break up. I just didn’t get it. almost as bad as Luke. it all seems like another lifetime

ok looking forward. it’ll get better. be positive and project. I need to get in contact with Tess. I’m a bad friend for not. I miss her and Mike. I wonder if they’ll be able to hangout on Monday.

this guy brice vine is cute. came out of nowhere with that drew barrymore song.

I wonder is im going to read this ever again. last ones I read felt so sad. upsetting

I want to go back to the beginning with sparks. with Josh. but then i think that he wasn’t good for me. which he wasn’t. but I have/ had no closure. what are you supposed to do? leave it. just forget about it? I don’t want to. but i want to. but i don’t. talk about conflicted. so stupid. silly girl with her feelings. already made the mistake of getting caught up last night. that ended so badly.I am glad he called today though. so adult like of us.

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

10/25/18

What the fuck was I thinking

Too close, too easy

My head is in the clouds

More I look at the moon

I’m there.

High in the sky

Away from it all

Too caught up in what I want

Of course I see nothing else

Why would I

Caught up in myself

Per usual

So dumb. So dumb

Your an idiot. So fucking stupid. Like of course. You knew. You always fucking knew. Now what? Now fucking what?

This is what you get for what you did. What did you think was going to happen?

I mean Jesus fucking Christ.

Move on

Breathe and move on

Leave and don’t look back

You have nothing to gain from this

Only what you want

Which is a minuscule victory

And for what

Nothing that’s what

Leave it. Let it be

Let it be

Reread this and let it be...

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

12/11/17

I’m glad I told you I loved you

Because, like I said, I did and will. I wanted you to say it in Paris but obviously never happened in which was the downward spiral.

Your a better person than me.

I didn’t realize how alone I really am. And how much I actually need to make myself happy too. You and I both know this was coming sooner or later.

I miss you more than you know. Just being able to be around you and share the same jokes or general things in life. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready for tonight. Maybe in the future we can figure something out where we won’t cry and I’ll eat- you know it’s bad when I eat nothing...

I cried the hardest tonight

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

03/01/16

I bought the most comfy sweater today. The one that goes perfect with my yoga pants that are soft. Id snuggle myself if I could. To be wrapped warm in the best feeling thread.

I'm high now, nothing that has happened today was intentional. I went to the mall. Spent money. Went to a bar. Smoked weed. And now eating leftovers.

Though I did experience the most beautiful thing tonight. My friends. I'm so glad I stayed up. We got dressed up because we had an inpromtu ballet. In our house.

It was great. All dressed. Beverages provided. The bulb lights were great- when they weren't breaking on the floor. The stage was set. The music started and everyone stared in awe. Although the warmup had us. The performance was amazing. All to a forty minute long video of frogs for leap year.

[bravoindigodelta-blog]

“You’d look prettier if you smiled”

I've come to tears too many times this week

And I'm shallow enough to not let them go, it'll ruin my makeup

This is the start, where I'll start, this.

It's January 15th, a Friday, I'm on break from working open to close. Sitting by myself in a crowded bar across the street. Close enough to get away and close enough so I won't go back late.

Small meetings happening all around me over a pint. Talking about their wives, kids,and work. And here I sit. Not mad. Not happy. Not sad. Indifferent. I literally have no emotion. And when I am interacted with I smile to mask it all away. Hoping I won't get asked the question 'how are you?'

Lately I hate that question. Between selling my soul to work and what's going on with my dad it's one I like to avoid, but can't.

My dad has taken a turn for the worst. He was rushed to the hospital about a month ago and had his stomach drained of fluid. He's a life long alcoholic and smoker. As a kid I would foolishly wish and wish he would quit. Ever birthday I would blow out my candles saying this time it'll happen, never did.

He wasn't the type of guy to go out or on vacations either. Last vacation I remember is story land when I was like seven. And family events just forget about it. So my relationship with my dad is somewhat difficult. Before my senior year it was almost nonexistent for awhile. I played basket ball and watched the Celtics with him when I could. I got into hockey to spend even a couple hours with him, although the only words spoken were me asking technical questions or him yelling at the tv.

It's hard. He has done his best. He's worked full time, getting my sister and I what ever we wanted- within reason. My mother as well. They both worked full time in the military when my sister and I were young so we would spend most weekends at my aunts in Hollis. Though those are another story in itself.

Now that my dad is ill it's tearing at me that I'm not there. Though he wouldn't want me to see him like that cause we're stubborn and don't like showing weakness. Nor am I the sympathic type to be by his bedside crying. I went back this weekend. He's weak, frail, and cheeks sunken in on oxygen. It's not looking good.

I cried last night. Not for my dad but because I'm so distracted that my boss had to pick up my slack, which makes me feel weak, and looks like I can't do my job. Which bothers me too much.

Today I went in emotionless. Playing, acting even that it's another day and that I didn't cry myself to sleep. It's the customer service in me to fake it I suppose. But ones who know me can see right through it like glass.

This week has just been bullshit.

And tonight we are overbooked cause our dumbass chef bullied me into doing what he wanted. (Elaborate later)

We don't have enough tables for the reservations. Yet I'm calm. As a leader should be. Calm on the outside yet I can feel the artery in my neck twitching and throbbing.

It's not fair what, or how I influence Ryan. He's only been my savior through this, and I keep questioning why. We can hurt each other so easily, and make it better at the same time. We've been seeing each other for awhile now, broke it off, then just said fuck it. Now we're here. There's a pull, it's dangerous and calming at the same time. I can't get away, and I don't want to. It, us, him and I, is so complicated I don't know where or how to even explain. Right now, it's just him, and I, and were riding it out. But I'll leave it with he's the best thing I have going right now, he takes me as I am, even at my worst, and I love that.

It's nearing 4:30, time where I go play manager again and run a restaurant. When saying it sends chills down my back, the fact that I'm doing that. I feel like I've only just begun and I'm assumed to know it all. It's terrifying.

also were over booked, but I'm staffed up which is my only comfort. I take my wrap to go from the bar and down my beer, judge me but it's keeping me sane.