breakthecycleofmadness

[breakthecycleofmadness]

~ Black and Brown ~

[breakthecycleofmadness]

Breaking the Cycle 29.01.2025

I wander if my mom had ever loved someone unconditionally, if she has ever actually loved me, my older sister or my younger brother - or if all of us are just chess pieces for her to control, and manipulate whenever she feels like it.

No matter what fault she does, she will never be to blame. I remember when I needed a mother the most, it was when my father had passed, and instead of calming me down at 14 years old, I was forced to become my father, take the role of administration, and figure out things like taxes, and purchase of property and taking out a mortgage because my mother was incapable of doing such herself, not that she is physically, or mentally incapable. She just did not care about my pain, neither does she care about my well-being. Not only did I have to step into the role of my father, I had to become the mother of my own younger brother, who was so young at that age, he didn't understand what was going on. The worst part was that my mother was in a new relationship (whom will become her husband in the future) and she was so busy caring about him, she would have inappropriate conversations with me like "What do you think about him?" "Do you think he is nice? He is really nice to me" and the worst of all is when she would mention her sexual relations to me and asking me if I wanted a new brother or sister because she might be pregnant. My blood would boil.

I sheltered my brother the best that I could, I would spoil him through presents because of the guilt that I had, for the fact that he has no one who cared for him. I would wake him up in the morning, wash his face, make sure he brushed his teeth, get him dressed in his school uniform and bring him straight to school. I would do all of that, at 14, and I didn't have a social life rich in parties, or lots of friends, because I was never allowed to. I had to pick up my brother after school, help him with his homework, which was always a pain because he would cry for hours for doing one simple math equation. I would need to make sure he is fed dinner, and gets his TV time so I can do my homework, and then get him ready to bed, and the cycle repeats.

I cannot recount how many nights I stayed up crying myself to sleep, thinking about how unfair it was to be in the situation that I am, praying didn't help because God and I were no longer on speaking terms since the passing of my father, I would still attend church with my mother and brother but it was forced, it wasn't like it was before because I was mad, truly mad. But I needed to keep strong, I needed to get strong, and smart - to escape.

My mother in the meantime would be wasting her time on dreams unfulfilled, and blames my father and myself for the fact that if she never gave birth to me, she would already be a successful person, and have her own business and be her own millionaire. Since my father had passed, my mother took the inheritance and attempted to make her dream come true.

The blame was always on someone else, at some point my mother and I would have frequent loud toxic arguments. I was going through puberty at 15 and was acting out because I didn't feel like raising my brother and I wanted to be with my friends. One night whilst studying for my quarterly exams, it was around 1am, my mother bursts into my room and screams at me, yelling at me to go to bed, that if my father were alive he would be mad at me for being awake so early. I was furious, as this was an important exam, my father is dead, and she NOW wants to try and be a mother and assert some sort of discipline whilst not giving a sh*t about me for majority of the time. The argument got so heated that she threatened to self-exit and I could not care. I turned cold. I walked out of my room and let her go crazy in my room, she started by ripping off pictures of me and my father off my closet, throwing my laptop across my room. She then proceeds to threaten to jump of the roof, left our apartment and walks up to the rooftop. I on the other hand, walked back to my room, picked up my laptop, locked my door and tried to study again because If I don't get a good grade or pass this exam - my ideas of escape will be ruined.

My mother comes back from the rooftop more furious than ever before, and starts banging on my locked door, screaming of how much of a bad daughter I was, who would let their mother die.

I opened the door and stared at my mother dead in the face and said "I wish you died instead of my father". She proceeds to grab my laptop's charging cable and wraps it around her throat and unexpectedly shortly after, her best acting skills, she falls to the floor shaking. I couldn't help but just stare at her, like--- wtf?. So I stepped over her, knocked on her door and asked her boyfriend to drag her into bed. Her boyfriend picked her up by the shoulder while she laid on the floor and dragged her back into their bedroom. I lock my door again and packed a bag, and decided that I was leaving. I didn't know where, but I was leaving. My mother beat me to the punch though, she wouldn't let me leave to go to school, so I ran out of the home in my pajamas and headed to school. I arrived in school late, late for the exams, and had to speak to the Dean and explain the most embarrassing situation of my mother's existence to him, and I was allowed to re-take my exam after school but they would need to call my mother in to school to speak to her and to confirm what I had told was true and not just some insane excuse of me showing up to school in my pajamas late.

My mother did show up, she was unemployed so she had all the time in the world. I was waiting at the lobby of our school's administrative office, and she walks in, looks at me and says "you happy now? you want social welfare to come and take me?", I didn't reply, I knew she was going to be pissed. She greeted my dean and high school principle and walked in to another room to talk. It felt like ages, all the students who came into the lobby looked at me confused, if their looks could speak they'd say "Why is she in her pajamas, why is her not done? why is she not at the exam hall with all the other high school students?". I sat on that chair in the lobby with my head hanging down, anxious if my mother would explode, get my expelled or anything negative.

The dean walks out of the room and approaches me, and kneels down. You knew it was serious when he kneeled next to you because he was completely obese and that was a heavy move for him. He searches for words and says - "Michelle, would you be willing to go home with your mom if she promises to not bother you during your studying?" I nodded my head yes, and he says "I am sorry for your loss of your dad, and I believe your mom is also trying to come to terms with losing him as well so tensions are high, but don't ever hesitate to come to me.", I nod yes, but was silent.

I knew it. I knew it. My mother manipulated them, to believing she was this poor single mother, who is struggling to get herself back on her feet. My mom smiled at me and hugs me in front of my principle and dean, and smiles at them, thanks them for their time and she will speak with me about the issues that we need to work on. I left the office with my mom, and head out of the school gates. Once we left the gates, her mood shifts completely, the smile was gone and then her rants starts. "You want me to get a heart attack and die?" "I remember what you said to me yesterday, you want me to die, I give you your dad back then, I ask God to give you back your dad.* "Better if I died, I am a bad mother, you tell me I am a bad mother, tell me." and I just stand their waiting for the bus with my mom in silence, whilst she rants on and on and on. I knew it was all a façade, she loves to show people she is a kind, nice person, but her real self, her true self, to her children, she was a monster.

We return home and of course, my brother was still in school. I get into the shower, feeling slightly better, I then go into my room and lock the door again and continued to study, my mother left me alone - she now knows I wasn't afraid to report her anymore. I used to be afraid of reporting her, or speaking to social services. Not anymore. I used to be scared of losing my parents, my family. But that was gone already with my father's death. So my dream of a happy family flew out the window and disappeared with the wind. At around 3pm, I got my brother from school, and I let him watch TV longer than usual, just because, I wanted him to be a kid, I wanted him to enjoy his childhood as much as he can, and so what if he hands in one assignment late for primary school.

A few months later, my mother announced that she was leaving to Thailand and was taking my brother, older sister and her boyfriend with her, so that she can go and buy wholesale products for the business she was planning to open in Kiribati. That meant I was going to be ALONE. I was glad. Because I had a crush that summer, and I was going to be in love for the first time.