breenexusblog-blog

[breenexusblog-blog]

I’ve come to realize that my life to others, is unimportant. Scrolling through Facebook, I see people tagging their friends in memes, or memories that they’ve had together. But where am I? Where are my friends? Whose memories am I in that people actually want to remember? Probably only a handful. But not enough to where they would want to post about it. I am a back burner friend that resembles an abused dog. I will stay and wait. No matter how much time has passed, no matter how much you abuse me, talk down to me, or forget my existence, I’m here whenever the world becomes too much to bear and you have no one else to turn to because they’re all too close to you.

My heart breaks that I am not good enough for anyone to be their best friend, or even a friend. All people know how to do when it comes to me seems to be just to use me and throw me away.  It doesn’t matter if I was your friend for over four years, or if we had just met.

Everyone leaves, everyone throws me away.

And I throw myself on any type of attention from someone who could be my friend because I am so desperate for one. And that kills me inside. That I have to practically beg someone to be in my life.

I get that I’m a little broken, a little messed up in the head, but I am always there for everyone. I am the safety net that’ll catch you if you jump off. But I have no net. I have nothing and will fall to my death if I choose to jump.

You see me as an inconvenience.

[breenexusblog-blog]

[breenexusblog-blog]

How does it feel?

Do the people who leave understand what they're doing when they do it? That whenever they've been apart of someone's life, intertwined and have these delicate memories with them that it'll fuck up the other person? What if the other person needed you? What if you were their rock when they couldn't be one for themselves? What if you were the one that they'd call in the middle of the night if something happened? What would they do if they didn't have you? Do you ever think about it? About how they might cry themselves to sleep or every night questioning what was so wrong with them that you just had to up and leave after all these years? Why throw them out? Or maybe how they might just fall off that edge one night because their best friend didn't care enough to stay. Didn't care enough to give a reason why. Just left them fucking wondering. Honestly, how do you guys do it and sleep at night? How do you sit there and enjoy your life, knowing that you very well might have fucked up theirs? Because they cant sleep at night, they can't get their mental health right. Because the one person they relied on who they thought would never break their heart, did? When all they have now is their own arms to cry in. When all they have is a note on their phone to confide in.

Tell me, how does it feel to be the ones to completely shatter another person and then move on like nothing ever fucking happened?

[breenexusblog-blog]

Life as a parent is lonely

Imagine waking up every morning when your alarm goes off. Sitting there for the 10 minutes until you have to wake up your kids for school. Getting them both ready for the day, dropping off your oldest child while the other one stays home with you because she's too young for school. You go out for a target trip, because let's be honest, you've turned into a target mom since having kids. You're walking around and find some great sales on clothes, diapers, toys, movies, books or whatever it may be and you grab your phone because you dont want anyone to miss out on the sales and that's when you realize...there isn't anyone for you to message or call. The emptiness in your stomach isn't from going without breakfast, it's the empty feeling where a friend should be to fill the void.

This is what it's like for me as a mom. Whether it's sales, memes, family drama, a TV show or book. It's a very lonely existence. You must be thinking to yourself, you're not lonely! You have your kids and husband there with you. No, no, no. You don't understand. It's a different kind of lonely, one that mothers and fathers might feel.

I'm surrounded all day long with noises of toys, disney movies, a 19 month old and a non verbal 3½ year old trying to communicate with me. About what they want to eat or drink or whenever my husband comes home and wants to talk about his day and asks about mine went. I just reply with "fine", or I'll tell him about something the kids did. But at the end of the day, it's about what the kids did, not me.

Having a friend as a mother would mean having someone to complain to. About your kids, husband, the weather (because let's be honest, the weather sucks sometimes) or just whatever. Now complaining doesn't sound all that great, but the point is there would be a healthy outlet for your thoughts. Not just bottled up all the time, nor would the complaining be one sided. Almost everyone has something they would like to get off their chest.

Having a friend as a mother would mean going out with your kids AND your friend; and her kids if she had them. Maybe even just you two. You'd Enjoy being out. Because if your friend has kids, that means your kids have friends. Let me tell you that I have gotten so many dirty looks from doctors, nurses and teachers whenever they ask me if my friends play with other children. Why? Because my response is no, I don't have friends with kids. It always makes me feel like a horrible mother because I don't have friends with children for my kids to play with and get that social interaction. A child friendly place is most of the time out of the question because they all cost money that we don't have.

Before you think to yourself "she isnt trying, shes just complaining." I have definitely tried. I'm in a lot of mom groups on facebook. I make posts about if theres anyone nearby that would like a playdate. There never is anyone close.

Whenever my youngest daughter was still little, I went to the grocery store. There was another mother there who had a daughter around the same age as mine. They were playing and laughing, So i thought to myself 'They'd be great friends. It would be good for her to have someone her age to play with.' We parted ways and I finished my grocery shopping. Before leaving the store, I went up to that lady and gave her my phone number. I told her theres a park by my house and I'd really like it if we could have a playdate.

This took a lot of courage for me. I have severe depression as well as anxiety. My heart was beating out of my chest. So I waited for her text to set up a date like she said. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. I understand people have lifes and things happen. But I was disappointed, and my mental illness told me that's what I get for being optimistic about something.

At the end of the day, moms and dads like me are very lonely. We try to make those connections for the sake of our kids, and ourselves, But every single time they fall through.

It seems like everyone already has a best friend or enough friends. So I'm always ghosted by what I thought was a blooming friendship. It's hard to keep hope whenever things never quite work out.

So I'll keep waiting for someone to come along and I'll work hard at continuing to better myself. Because life is really lonely, and I'd like to share who I am and what I enjoy with someone and hope they can do the same.

"Only those that care about you can hear you when you're quiet."

*this was written around 2am before I fell asleep.*