broken-numb-andinpain-blog

[broken-numb-andinpain-blog]

Loss

When you lose someone close to you, - not because they’ve died but because they simply don’t want to be in your life anymore - you go through a mourning period. You mourn the loss of someone as if they have died because it feels as if it may have been, in some twisted way, easier if they had. Everything reminds you of them You lose the mutual friends you had because no one wants to “pick sides” Everything you used to do together begins to feel foreign and illegal in some way Having someone walk out of your life - be it your boy/girlfriend, best friend, dad/mom, or anyone else - is one of the worst feelings in the world. It makes you feel like you did something wrong, like you somehow weren’t good enough for them. You spend every second of this “mourning period” spending every 11:11 wish for it to be just a dream.

[broken-numb-andinpain-blog]

Depression

I think the thing I hate most about depression is how unpredictable it is. Like..right now I could be fine and maybe even a little happy but five minutes from now I could hate myself everyone else and just want to give up on everything. I also hate the fact that on my bad days I feel completely empty. As if nothing even matters. I have no energy to get out of bed much less even TRY to get dressed. And it makes me feel so worthless. Like I'm such a loser. And then I start thinking about how much of a loser I really am. Depression is a gateway to a lot of terrifying thoughts. And day by day, I realise that it's trying its hardest to slowly kill me. And I'm scared. I'm truly scared. Because on my bad days, I don't have the want or desire to fight it.

[broken-numb-andinpain-blog]

Pain

Do you ever just feel like you’re drowning in pain? Like you hurt and hurt but when you try to relieve it, nothing works. You can’t cry. Like it’s impossible to do anything but hurt. But then there’s those times when people ask if you’re okay. And you get mad. Because no, you’re not okay. And how can they not see that? How could they possibly think that staying in your room all day means you’re “happy”? But would them knowing make anything better? They’d either just want to help or completely ignore it. So you just ignore it. You ignore the pain. And when you get the chance, you distract yourself from it, however you can.