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bruhhvv · 3 years ago

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His place in the world - Loki x Reader

Summary: Shape-shifting was not Y/N's favourite kind of magic. Not when Loki used that to turn into Thor and have her confess her well-kept feelings.

It was beyond frustrating at this point. To yearn for someone for so long and never get anything good out of it. Hopeless dreams and hollow promises kept you awake at night. But there wasn't much you could do. You tried your hardest. You really did. And it didn't matter that much to you at this point anyway. You were getting used to it. To the rejection, to how you would feel the metallic taste of your blood when you used to bite your tongue to keep it all in. To how you always stood in the second place and watched everyone around you get loved. And it was alright, you would tell yourself in your darkest nights. Your time will eventually come and it will sweep you off your feet.

So you waited. And in all of that chaos and heartbreak, you used to hold onto this string of hope for dear life.

But love never came for you so you learned to live with what you were given. You could always find love in other places, platonic love or self-love. And there was nothing wrong with that. You just wished, with your whole heart that for once you would be able to know how it feels to have someone think of you before they go to sleep. To have someone listen to the sappiest love songs thinking about how they would hold your hand. Such stupid little thoughts, such pathetic expectations. Over and over again, that stinging feeling of loneliness. Those thorns stuck in your throat every time you tried to swallow the tears away. So you promised yourself to keep away from this damned feeling. To Hell with love, it will never come for you.

Yet, you messed up again. It was a quiet evening, with almost everyone gone on missions leaving the compound lifeless and forsaken. With the circumstances at hand, you chose to kill your time in the kitchen while waiting for your tea to boil. You used to hate the common areas at the beginning, they brought along unwanted interactions that your anxiety could not handle very well. But you grew into yourself in there. And you allowed other people to see you for who you truly were. In the end, you developed a strange attachment to these places. Especially since Loki came around.

Now it was not an easy task to befriend the God of Mischief, adding your lack of social skills into the mix and Loki's hatred towards Midgardians. And yet, you two somehow clicked. You didn't even know how that came to be. From evenings shared reading next to one another in silence in the common rooms at the beginning, you went to find yourselves in each other’s room in time, talking about nothing and the wide world until the crisp early hours of the morning. It was a curious thing, how well you matched and how quickly you grew to care for one another. And then that blossomed into something more for you. It turned into the ill-fated feeling of love. You tried your very best to hide it, from Loki and the team and even from yourself. You were fortunate enough to have found such an enchanting friend in Loki that you could not sabotage this with your foolish affection.

'I thought I was the only person who couldn't catch any sleep tonight,' you heard Thor's reverberating voice call from behind you and you almost spilt all of the hot water on your hands when you flinched, startled.

'You scared the living shit out of me, Thor,' you instinctively brought your hand up to your chest, while laughing lightly at your lack of perspicacity.

'I shall ask for your pardon, my lady,' Thor said while making a small reverence.

'I shall grant it to you, my dear Sir,' you mimicked his gesture with an amused smile.

You thought he was joking with the official terminology but he kept a straight face so you kept yourself from laughing at him.

You knew Thor was brought up to be a king and that he found these formalities normal etiquette but not in such an extreme manner. So you decided to brush off the amusement.

Moving around you, Thor reached for two mugs and placed them on the counter between the two of you.

'If you do not mind, I would like to join you for your midnight tea.' Giving you his best smile, Thor pulled a chair next to you without waiting for a reply. You would have preferred some time alone to think your situation through but you could not shatter the God's state of eagerness so you obliged. And Thor was not bad company at all, with his ever-present jolly attitude and his loud laugh, he could cheer up even the most stubborn of people.

'What is it that is weighing on your brilliant mind?' the God of Thunder leaned his head between his opened palms and stared at you like a professional therapist who could see right through your facade.

'Nothing, just tired,' you shrugged and played with an old wrapping left on the kitchen table.

You hoped that you dodged the question successfully and even more so, that you were not that obvious to begin with. For as long as you have known yourself, you were terribly talented at hiding your feelings from the outside world and pretending that you have a heart of stone. If any heart that was beating on this Earth was furthest away from that, it was yours though.

‘I won’t pressure you into telling me but sometimes it is good to share the hardships of the world with a friend,’ Thor said, while moving around you to pick the keattle off the stove and fill your mug with the rich, hot tea. He smiled down at your figure and gently squeezed your shoulder as a sign of comfort. He was always considerate of others, a literal ray of sunshine and it made it all more ironic that he was actually the God of Thunder when he was nothing but the Sun personified.

‘It is stupid really and I should much less discuss it with you, it’s just awkward.’

As soon as you said it, Thor’s face immediately changed as if he has seen a ghost. His shoulders slumped and he lost composure of his features for a second too long, a deep frown plastering itself all over his face.

‘Did I say something wrong?’ You wondered why that has visibly upset him. It did not mean that you lacked trust in him.

‘Why would anything be awkward with the two of us? You don’t have feelings for me, right?’ he chuckled while flippind his hair with his head. You noticed the gesture as a sign of nervousness that Loki always does as well. You smiled slightly at that. Even though they were not brothers by blood, no matter how falsely annoyed Loki always pretended to get with Thor, you knew they would die for one another. And the fact that Loki had someone who loved him absolutely, without qualifications or limitations melted your heart.

‘You make it sound like it would be the worst thing in the world,’ you teased him and pushed his shoulder. ‘I am not that bad.’

‘I’d say you are far from bad, ’ he jumped to defend himself way too quickly and that only made it more awkward than it already was. Raising an eyebrow at him, Thor realized how that came off so he started rambling again.

‘I did not mean this one like that either. I just - it’s only that-‘

You cut him off mid sentence, putting your hand up to spare his misery of explaining this whole mess.

‘What I meant by it being weird was that I am in love with someone close to you and spilling my heart out would just be pathetic of me to do and uncomfortable for you to hear.’

‘May I just intrude enough to ask who that is?’ an all-knowing smirk now took the frown’s place and he changed moods faster than you could register.

‘It’s pathetic, truly. You would have a good laugh though.’

He would. How in the Nine Realms could you explain that you were narrow-minded enough to direct your affections towards the person that hated your kind more than anything else? You knew Loki didn’t hate you, even more than that, you knew he considered you a friend. But that didn’t make your cause less helpless. The God of Mischief himself would not stoop that low as to fall for an average Midgardian. You would perish from existence faster than he could blink anyway. Your life span compared to his was seconds.

‘I won’t laugh at you, he cannot be that bad.’

‘Oh, he is not bad at all. He is the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. Not just phisically.’ You felt your cheeks grow a dark shade of red and you brought the back of your palms up to them in order to cool them down a bit. Thor saw that and laughed.

Genuinely, you didn’t know what has gotten into you to start letting so much information slip to Thor but it may just be the late hour. The nights have always given you a sense of comfort when it came to letting your walls down. It felt like the whole world was numbed and you had the chance to let your heart run free with no judgement. Shield after shield, they went down when someone else opened their heart to you. If you would not know better, you would have called that weakness. You used to, when you were younger. But you do know better now.

‘Then go for it, I don’t see what would the issue be,’ the God sounded too eager at the beggining of the sentence so he cut off the enthusiasm as he went on.

‘He is just too astounding for me to ever stand a chance,’ you tried to play off how much pain admitting these things out loud was causing you. The despair that love always brought to the softest of hearts.

‘Too astounding for you? I do not buy a word from this. I think the douche should consider himself lucky you even think of him like that.’

Something in Thor’s tone was questionable though. There was a strange sadness in there. Hidden behing calm eyes and a steady voice, but those were some unsteady hands he was playing with. ‘I believe you are way too lovely to ever have to worry about such trivial matters. The soul that you love holds the power of the Universe.’ He reached across the table to grab your clasped hands into his but he retracted quickly after he realized the gesture. You did not think much of it, you never questioned people’s kindness.

‘You are way too kind,’ you wanted to stop at that but something in his eyes made you want to go on. They held such comfort tonight, you have never found it with Thor before. You really felt like you were talking to your dearest friend.

‘I just don’t think I could ever be enough for someone like him. He has such an intricate heart and I have finally managed to form a bond with him. He does not deserve me ruining his first genuine friendship with my uncalled for feelings.’

‘Feelings of love and affection are never uncalled for. The heart is a terrible betrayer, isn’t it? But you cannot deny it what it wishes for.’ And there it was again, his smile. Thor changed his spirits so much throughout this talk that you decided not to even comment on it. ‘And I bet that with your taste, he is incredibly appealing.’

‘I really should not tell you this but he is. If seduction could take human form, he’d be it.’ The guts you had to just say that to Loki’s brother made you feel filthy. Damn right he is hot, we are talking about Loki Laufeyson, for Norn’s sake.

‘You really should not tell me things like that about my little brother, but I will have it this time just for the fun of it.’ A breathy laugh escaped your lips but it was not longer than a second until you choked on it. Did he just say his ‘little brother’? There was no way in which Thor would have been able to guess it, you did not know a person more oblivious than him to these things. Well, you did. His little brother. But you would not complain about that as it kept your friendship safe.

Thor got up and went to stand behind you in order to gently tap you on your back. Trying to regain composure, you stood up straight again and made it a mission to look as indifferent as ever.

‘I was most definetely not talking about Loki,’ your attempt to lie was so weak you did not even believe yourself.

‘Even a blind man could see the way your face fell when I mentioned him. It’s alright, I mean who could blame you? After all, he is as handsome as legends say.’ The only thing you could really do was nod your head in denial vehementely but that only made Thor laugh. He leaned in extremely close to your ear, placing his hands on the table on either side of you and that made you push yourself closer to the table to gain some space. What was he trying to do? You just told him you were in love with his brother.

‘I bet you think very unholy things about him as well, don-‘ ,you were on the verge of getting up and pushing Thor away, asking what has gotten into him when Thor walked into the kitchen.

Wait, what? Thor walked into the kitchen. You had to do a double-check towards the door and then it all came down upon you like the coldest of storms. You heard the real blonde burst into laughter as he, too, realized what Loki did.

‘You little piece of shit!’ You stood up from your chair so fast that it fell and the fake God of Thunder had to take a step back to avoid it. Turning around, you pushed him into his chest repeatedly with such force that the first time you did it, he stumbled. And then he had the audacity to laugh. To laugh. In your face.

The real Thor was looking at you two with such amusement, you wanted to slap him too.

‘This is such an old trick, but it gets people every time. I’ll leave you two to it.’ Sensing the uncomfortable situation that was about to arise and seeing the look of anger in your eyes, he dissapeared as fast as he came around.

‘How dare you? Turn back into yourself already, you lying prick!’ You pushed his shoulders with both of your hands and as the emerald glow errupted around him, you turned away from Loki cursing him under your breath. This was mortifying to say the least. You wanted to slap him for invading your privacy like that but you also wanted to flee for him and burry yourself 10 feet underground so you would never have to face him ever again.

‘You can say you just missed seeing me, love.’ Without having to even turn around, you could hear the smirk in his bloody annoying voice and you had a sudden urge to cuss him out. Withstanding this felt inhuman to you so you hurried towards the door, wishing to just vanish from view forever. Loki’s cold hand was on your wrist in no time and you forced your way out of his grip but to no avail.

‘Don’t leave now Y/N, I was merely teasing you.’ His voice was still holding a tingle of amusement but it gained an edge of softness that made your knees go weak. You turned to face him.

‘Teasing me? You embarassed me and had fun while doing it.’ An unexpected wave of courage ignited in you and you advanced on him while staring him down. ‘You just laughed into my face after doing that as well.’

‘I did not mean to upset you in any way, my dear.’ His hand moved from your wrist slowly to grasp your own. You retracted it too fast, as if it stinged and Loki’s face completely fell when seeing that.

‘Don’t look at me with pity, Loki. It’s fine that you don’t feel the same way. I much rather preffered you having a laugh at me.’

It was bad enough that he tricked you into confessing your feelings, the last thing you needed was him making it uncomfortable and feeling bad for you. This is what you were trying to avoid at all costs, losing his friendship and you were experiencing just that. Loki reached for your hand again and this time you let him take it. There was not enough courage left in your veins to grant you the luxury of being able to look into his eyes. So you focused your look on your hand in his. Might as well take that feeling in now because after tonight, you were sure as Hell he would not want anything to do with the likes of you. You allowed your heart a few more selfish, pathetic seconds to enjoy his touch.

‘You still don’t see it, do you? Even Thor caught on to me a while ago and we both know he is as oblivious as they come,’ he sqeezed your hand gently and used his thumb to rub small circles on the inside of your wrist. The small movement made your chest errupt with a suffocating feeling. ‘This is not pity in my eyes, my darling. Look again.’ He brought his free hand to your cheek and moved your head slightly so you would finally face him. You wanted to believe what you saw in his eyes. With every broken particle of your heart, you really did, because he was looking at you with so much love and tenderness, you only imagined this look in your most hopeful dreams. A shaky breath escaped your lips while you leaned your face more into the roughness of his palm and you closed your eyes. This was all you have ever wished for and yet, you could not believe it.

‘You don’t believe me.’ That made your eyes snap right open. Loki’s face was closer to yours than before. He was closer to you than you could ever recall, if that could be possible. His scent was driving you insane from this up-close. He could always read you better than anyone else and that had its perks but this time, you wished you could just hide your emotions at the bottom of the sea.

‘You did not tell me what is it that I should believe,’ that made Loki errupt in a string of laughter.

‘You silly girl, why would you doubt for even a second that I have become irrevocably infatuated with you? I have been in love with you for months now, Y/N. I think anyone who has eyes saw this besides my best efforts to not ruin what I have with you. You are all that matters to me.’ He brought his other hand up to cup your face and caress your cheeks with his thumb. His face held the softest look you have ever seen. A beautiful, timid smile was reaching his eyes that were pouring right into your own.

‘Why didn’t you come to me sooner? I have loved you silently for so long, Loki.’

‘How could I ever dream that the Universe would grant me your love? My darling, even tonight, there were moments in our conversation when I thought you were talking about my brother or perhaps some other man. Men who deserve your heart. Not me. How could it ever be me? How could you ever choose me?’ There it was again, that crippling self-doubt that Loki carried in his mind and in his soul. You hated it.

‘Oh, Loki. It’s always been you. I think I chose you on the day that I was born. And if I were to be ripped from this Earth and be reborn somewhere else, I would break the world apart with my bare hands to find you and to keep choosing you. Over and over again. Until the end of time itself. In this lifetime and in any other.’ He closed his eyes for a few seconds at that. A breaking breath made its way out of his lips as you slightly turned your head to kiss the inside of his hand.

‘May I kiss you right now?’ Loki whispered, his voice barely reaching your ears. He was nervous. Now that was a look you never thought you would see on the God of Mischief. And in the dim light of the kitchen, with the moonlight casting a halo around his black, lucious hair, you could have sworn a slight blush was adorning his beautifully structured cheeks and you thought he looked like an angel. You nodded your head and without even realizing, his lips were on your forehead. He placed a deep, long kiss there and you closed your eyes to take this feeling in. Then he went on to gently kiss both of your eyelids, and your cheeks and the tip of your nose. You softly giggled at that one. And then his lips were on yours and there was no turning back. If you would be able to freeze a moment in time and frame it so you could relive it for a hundred lifetimes, it would be this one.

What a funny thing, Loki thought. To live for centuries as an immortal God and yet to find that the only lips who could ever fit against yours are those of a human. You sweet, precious human, how could a heart as pure as your own ever be destined to love the heart of a beast? He could never voice these thoughts in your presence because every single time he did, you would try so vehemently to show him how worthy he was that he sometimes started to believe it. And he could not afford to believe things like that about himself. And yet, there was this warmth and passion in you that he sometimes would find in his own mind. Initially, he thought them to be tricks. Tricks in which his conscience would stop being cruel and in which he started to believe he deserved to be loved. Tricks in which you made him feel like he was enough. He would learn in time that you were right.

‘I am gonna get you back for this though, trickster,’ you said between kisses.

‘Oh, I can’t wait to see it.’

You two pulled back when there seemed to be no more air in the Realms and he rested his forehead on yours.

‘You know, I honestly thought you would have deconspired me when I freaking giggled at your joke about ‘Sense and Sensibility’ that one time. I was mortified,’ Loki said after some time. You laughed out loud at that. Both of you. And for many nights to come, the moon would find the two of you laughing.

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