buffercake

[buffercake]

Do you know anyone who can rock out to screamo and rap every single word to Lil Wayne back to back, who can move his hips and make jaws drop from his sex appeal, who can line dance and perform choreography, who played in the marching band in London and a rock band at the local church, who can assist an exceptional needs peer through school, who can throw like a quarterback but turn down being the star on the team, who finds peace at the gym but who can also eat a slice of cake with two pounds of buttercream, who can laugh until he cries about politically incorrect jokes for their sheer ridiculousness while actually being an open-minded ally, who can haggle for moped prices with locals, who can respectfully lead his team and lift them up, who can go clothes shopping for his little girl with ease and will even let her style his beard, who is a stickler about subjects and objects when it comes to you and me (not I), who can questionably brainstorm serial killers and mafia strategies like it’s a normal conversation, who will go to book conventions to help his wife sell smut, who will randomly speak French while having sex, who eats pussy as if women should be worshipped, who can suck a dildo with his wife and stay confident in himself, who can enjoy all the skin and flesh, who can indulge in the most bizarre fantasies, who memorized his wedding vows for the big day, who has made balloon arches and worked on a cruise ship, who has driven race cars on a track and has fun while driving on the I-4, who is a multi-time extra for Epic Universe, who has annihilated his intestines with ghost pepper hot wings, who—despite all that—still calls a lot of extremely spicy food at most “a six,” who snaps candy bars in half because he like the way it feels, who can cook just about anything in thirty minutes, who is known for his sense of humor (but might not know this about himself), who loves spooky season but is simultaneously a Christmas sap, who enjoys puzzles and escape rooms and basically any kind of challenge, who enjoys creating just to destroy it (Minecraft, writing, and art alike), who is an artistic soul with natural talent in multiple mediums, who is so smart he can have a conversation with anyone but down plays it like he knows “just enough about everything,” who went to therapy “to see what it’s like,” who (on that note) is the total epitome of “try everything” and a “never say no” kind of person, who is also learning when it’s okay to say “no” and put himself first, who is patient and understanding even when others don’t necessarily deserve it, who is an ever-changing hobbyist and loves learning (but hates school), who will always consider multiple viewpoints, who is teaching his daughter what a partner should be (just like he shows his wife!), who grows and excels with every year?

I do! And it’s you! Duh. And I am honored and grateful to know you. You inspire me and still surprise me after over ten years. I love you, I love getting to know you, and I admire you so much. 

Here’s to making 41 even better than last year, in your best decade yet, and happiest of birthdays to the best person I know!

I love you more every day (and week and month and year), Boogermouth Hedgeworth Ticklebutt III

[buffercake]

Picture this: You’re 24 years old and you walk into the Freaking Frog. There’s this 30 year old guy at the bar; you recognize him from the dating app, so you head his way. His eyes widen when you sit down, and you think, 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘶𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘥, but so are you, so it’s cool. After a few drinks, he touches your knee, and you’re like, 𝘞𝘩𝘰𝘢, 𝘣𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘺 (because butterflies). And when he texts later saying we should hang out again, you say, 𝘞𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥, because you had a great time and you can see yourself enjoying time with him again. 

Ten years later, you’re 34 and he’s 40, and you’re driving down the I-4. He’s still a little weird, but so are you, so it’s cool. As you drive to WDW for the second or third or fourth time that week, he touches your knee, you’re like, 𝘞𝘩𝘰𝘢, 𝘣𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘺 (because butterflies), so you snuggle in closer. And when he suggests doing anything and everything, you’re like, 𝘞𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥, because you love him, you love your life together, and you know your next adventure together will be wonderful too.

Wing Ding King, I’m so grateful for our loving partnership and that we respect and complement each other so well. Over ten years, we’ve done a lot, and all of it comes back to our love. Through the hard times and the beautiful times, you inspire me, surprise me, make me laugh, comfort me, fill me with whoa buddy—butterflies, and love me. I admire, respect, and love you so much, and I’m excited to see what our future holds.

Happy ten year anniversary! I love you! 

[buffercake]

When we first met, you were thirty. Thirty years, three months, two weeks, and one day to be exact. You were sassy, sarcastic, funny, and intelligent, with wide eyes and an irresistible smirk. I can still feel the butterflies that shot through me when you touched my knees.

Now, you’re forty! Forty years exactly. You’re still the same sassy, sarcastic, funny, and intelligent man who gives me butterflies through a mere shoulder squeeze, but of course you’ve changed! You’re a little grumpier, maybe, or maybe less willing to take the bullshit. (Or maybe you’re just more comfortable sharing that side with me, hah!) But you’re sweeter too. Whether it’s helping a neighborhood kid who can’t find his brother, or hugging your crying daughter who just fell off her bed, or shedding a tear at a Pixar short about the cutest pup, I swoon so deeply for you, especially when it’s buried under those eye-rolling grumbles, because that’s you: the grumpiest, sweetest man I know. A man I admire so much. A sketch boy, really.

Just a sketch boy with his tots and his 40th birthday pin at Animal Kingdom, a sketch boy I am so honored and proud to celebrate. 

I’m excited to see you grow in this decade! Your thirties were amazing, and I know your forties are going to be even better. And even if there is an article out there about the forties being a shit decade, then fuck that article, and fuck that back-assed “study,” anyway. We’ll show them that the forties are the best decade yet. 

Cheers to you, my best friend, my lover, my life partner, my husband.

I love you! Happiest of birthdays! 

[buffercake]

Nine

To the best partner in learning, laughing, dancing, parenting, exploring, fucking, freddying, growing, and loving: I am so grateful to call you my husband.

I love you! Happy anniversary!

---

I tried not to make it too long, but the above silly part didn't feel like enough. So here we go. Onto the sappy part.

Every day, I am fascinated by you. I love the fact that even nine years later, I can still learn about you and learn with you. Every day, whether it's seeing you vlog, or hearing you making silly voices, or seeing you make Sesame laugh, or watching you be a plant boy, or learning about your graphic design company, or listening to you discuss potential aliens, or seeing how intense you get about a new space video game, or hearing you gush about The Mouse, or hearing your actual legitimate thoughts about the Roman Empire, I fall in love with you even more. Everything. Seriously. You are nuts, and I love all of you.

Thank you for loving me and encouraging me to grow into a better person. I can't wait to see where we are when we're oldies!

(Well, like real, reeeal oldies. Even more than we are now. We're mids still, right? Middies. That's what you said the other day...)

[buffercake]

To the best person I know, who is kind to strangers even when they’re a little suspicious, who values art, who somehow stays calm when everyone else freaks the fuck out, who gets on the floor to play Barbies with his daughter even though his body doesn’t agree sometimes, who indulges my weirdest fantasies, who stays patient and kind even when people drive him nuts, who has an incredible breadth of knowledge about the most diverse set of topics, who believes in saying yes to everything, who likes cookies as much as he likes gardening, who can smoke meat and cook like it’s nobody’s business, who can dance like a drool-worthy pro and drum like a rockstar,

I am so grateful to know you. I look up to you, I respect you, and I love you so much. May your thirty-ninth year be the best one yet! Happy Birthday!

[buffercake]

1) Falling in love (Tonopah, Ryholite)

2) Moving in together (Bonnie Springs, Knotts Scary Farm, Oakley for Christmas)

3) Moving across the country together, facing new jobs (Nola, Orlando, Vegas for Christmas)

4) Getting pregnant & getting engaged (first cruise! & bonus Magic Kingdom)

5) Getting married, Hurricane Michael, & figuring out how to be parents (I feel like there’s probably a Disney World trip in there, but I can’t keep them straight! hah. Maybe we didn’t?)

6) The pandemic, OCD (second cruise! and so many Disney trips...makes you almost miss the Pandemic, hah jk...or am I??)

7) Moving & settling into our new townhouse (Disney World, Georgia)

8) Moving across the state together with a strong-willed anti-sleep preschooler (third and fourth cruise, and becoming annual pass holders for Disney World, whhhhaaaatttt?)

When you think of how much we’ve done & how much we’ve traveled since we met, it’s pretty crazy! I’m grateful that we’re on a team together through all of these obstacles and adventures. Here’s to the future and adding so many accomplishments to our list! Cheers! I love you so much! Happy 8 Years! <3 

[buffercake]

38 Reasons You’re The Best

You get to go to Disney World…for your JOB.

You can make Sesame laugh at any time.

You make me cry laughing about pigeons and high school nicknames.

You walked one of your classmates between classes just because you’re a good person. You always have been.

You volunteered to drive my grandma to my parents’ house. (Again, there’s that good person thing!)

You’ve always been a little old man in corduroys (and I love that about you!).

You’re a true artist at heart, and it shows in everything you do and create.

You’re always learning about something new. (Stock markets, real estate, vlogging, coding, arduino…)

You make money off of the stock market like it’s no big deal.

You made serious bank on real estate this year. It’s kind of nuts.

You fucked & married a (retired) stripper.

You’ve had a threesome and a moresome. Not many people can say that.

You’re kinky as hell. Like, I think I’m kinky, but then you continue to surprise me. (In all the best ways!)

Your gait is literally hypnotizing. (Not joking. You walk with confidence and stability. Like, it’s a really distinct walk. And I get that tingly feeling watching you walk.)

You’ve been to one of the best stargazing spots in the country.

You can make damn good Crumbl copy-cat cookies.

You’re dedicated to The Most Magical Place On Earth, but you also like going to roadside museums and taking pictures with creepy animatronics and taxidermy. 

You’ve been to…how many countries and states, now?

You’ve worked on a cruise ship.

You book cruises, just because.

You’ve got the travel bug in your soul, but you also love decorating a house and making it your home.

You’ve jumped off of a building multiple times.

You’ve eaten a ghost pepper. Your intestines might hate you for it, but holy crap, that is impressive!

You write really good bad fiction. (And really good good-fiction!)

You can pick up instruments like it’s no big deal, because you play the drums and trumpet AND other instruments!

You played in many bands. (Christian rock band, but also, many marching bands, and even a Rockstar Experience band!)

You can jump from rapping Jay-Z to singing Luke Bryan, and even throw in a little George Washington’s singing from Hamilton.

You’re always open to trying new things—whether it’s movies or music or theme parks, or hell, even musicals.

Your character voices are unmatched. (Freddy is always my favorite.)

You give the coziest pags.

You’ve always been the biggest sweetheart—it’s just part of who you are. (And I am so lucky to have your love.)

You can start speaking French out of nowhere. And you sign. And you speak enough Spanish to get along just fine in Mexico. And you have a better Japanese accent than I do!

You’re both a realist and an optimist. You know how much water is in the cup, but you also look forward to that great big beautiful tomorrow where you’re going to try that brand new kind of liquid.

You’re the best human jungle gym, apparently. (Thanks, Sesame.)

You’re a Disney nerd, even if you don’t want to admit it sometimes… D23? Vlogs? Annual passes? Cruises?! Go on… add that AP car magnet.

You might be indifferent on the outside, but you’re also a sappy romantic on the inside. (Try to hide it! I know the squishy side is in there!)

Your answer is always, “Let’s do it.” No task or adventure is too big or too small in your book.

You’re way more awesome than can be listed out in 38 reasons!

Happy Birthday to The Best Person Ever! I can’t wait to see what adventures and triumphs you (& we!) will accomplish in the future! I love you so much! 

Let’s do it! <3

[buffercake]

The national holiday of love is our let’s-have-a-steak night, because you make every day feel like Valentine’s Day! Whether it’s four bottles of my favorite wine or Bolthouse, you spoil me. (I’m so spoiled it’s about to get real stinky up in this beezy... Yikes.) 

You’re the most thoughtful, sweet, and loving person I know. How the hell did I get this lucky? I love you so much!

PS: You’re sparklier than a diamond necklace! :P

[buffercake]

7 Reasons We’re The Best Couple Of October 7, 2014 Anniversaries Ever

1. We’re both Disney nerds (and we love it).

2. We’re dancers. (Them hips, Daddy.)

3. We’re adventurous (the biggest current adventure being our toddler).

4. We’re kinky.

5. We turn can turn onion ring cakes into a baby.

6. Our conversations are intelligent and have meaning.

7. We’ve grown from two internet strangers, to secondary partners, to a monogamous couple moving across the country together, to married parents doing the damn thing while making sure our relationship remains strong. 

Whether we’re playing the Cupcake Board Game, shit-talking the stream, making half of a triple quartered recipe of a mug cake, water boarding “for science,” discussing mental health issues, or day-dreaming what we’d do with the lotto money—I’m grateful for every moment with you.

I love you so much! Happy Anniversary!

[buffercake]

Happy Birthday to the most intelligent, handsome, calm, silly, selfless, inspiring, supportive, nurturing, loving, strange, snarky, honest, punny, fun, just, observant, talented, crafty, adventurous, spontaneous, practical, easy-going, quiet, (yet) conversational, objective, analytical, imaginative, confident, compassionate, sweet, brave, creative, open-minded, kinky, ravishing, trustworthy, and cuddly man I know!

[buffercake]

Roses are red, violets are blue. Six lovely years, now let me bone you.

[buffercake]

Today we celebrate a loving husband, a motivating partner, a supporter of dreams, a daughter’s nurturing father, a protective older brother, a grown-up son, a director of all of the companies, a I’m On A Website local celebrity, a stylish dresser, a date night game player, a master of photoshop, a film editor, an artist at heart, a cruiser turned crew member turned cruiser, a Disney dreamer, an optimist of the bright future, a realist too, an Oh Nothing I Just Picked Up A New Skill tradesman, a baby wails tamer, the monster pizza pie chaser, the Look Up To The Sky! swinger upper, an aspiring conductor’s coach, the Cousin Benjamin and Kiss Blanket voice actor, a secret multi-time cat rescuer, the fuzziest shaved head, the fluffiest scratchiest flavor-savoring beard, the kindest turquoise eyes, a future dad joke published author, a mid-pandemic social adventurer, the magnificent pillow-thrower extraordinaire, a Why Stop With Baguettes And Croissants And Pretzels baker, the reluctant cheers-er, an Is It Time Yet asker, the I’ll Just Whip Something Up master chef, the most dead ass student and teacher of the world, and the paggiest pag of all pags. Happiest of birthdays to my favorite person! I love you!

[buffercake]

Parents are told to be a role model for their children. As simple as this sounds, it’s no small feat, and yet you do it expertly every day. You come home after a long day of work, taking care of business so that you can provide for our family, and somehow still find the energy to play games with our daughter, throwing her in the air, chasing her around the house, building Duplos, reading books, and making it through potty time, just-one-more-bite showdowns, and bedtime routines. No matter how exhausted you are, you still smile and play and love. You show us every day, that love for your family always comes first. You’re a role model to both of us; you’ve set the high standard I reach for every day. Happy Father’s Day to the best Daddy in the world! We love you!

[buffercake]

I love waking up next to you, your yawny smile, the way you stretch your arms before sinking back into sleep. I love falling asleep next to you, our last words of the night: I Love You (or a ridiculously cheesy but amazing Dad joke that I quickly have to write in the book). I love seeing Maeve run to the front door as soon as she hears the keys, how you might be exhausted from the work day, but still have enough energy to make her smile with “Daddy, run!” I love seeing you hold her hand, leading her through a store, spinning her around until she squeals with laughter. I love that look you give me when we’re deep into a TV binge, an expression that says, Are we doing this? When we both know the answer. The answer is yes. Hand me a napkin, bb, and that box of cookies. I love the way your stomach feels, the hair on my hands, the way your cock twitches and moves the blanket, how your lips part when I first touch you there. I love how if you haven’t baked for a whole day off, you end up with a sly look on your face in the kitchen, saying, I had to, I had to. I love how you support my dreams, whether it’s listening to my ramblings or my worries, or endlessly designing covers and paperbacks, how you encourage me to keep trying even when a book falls flat. I love your drive for art, how you see things, how you always get what I’m trying to do, how you have your distinct vision for your work, how your artistic side goes into design, into cooking and baking, and not just video and photography. I love your belief that you really don’t know, unless you try. But most of all, I love you! Happy Valentine’s Day, husband!

[buffercake]

Five years of jokes, of eat the cookie, endless nicknames in high school, Freddy the Frog and Cousin Benjamin the Sippy Cup. Five years of adventures, like getting lost on Mount Charleston to becoming parents. Five years of live music--Sophistafunk to Blake Shelton to Motown Tribute Band, and five years of photography and videography and choreography. Five years of late, late nights of sex and conversation (and then eventually cleaning diaper explosions). Five years of becoming better versions of ourselves, of moving across the country, of Vegas, baby, to Chitty Bich, of dreaming of our multi-million dollar home and cherishing our own home. Five years of the best snugs, the best hugs, the best pags, and five years of: okay just one more kiss I swear (which turns into at least two more). Five years of knowing you are a dream to me, and five years of knowing I'm so lucky to have you in my life. Five years of laughter, life, and love. And five years of wanting five million more years with you! I love you, Travis!

[buffercake]

35. And where would this list be without the mention of buch? At first, you were grossed out by kombucha, and now it’s turned from a straight obsession into a fascinating creation.

You’re such a beautiful person, T. I wrote these posts to celebrate all of the truly amazing things you’ve done, because think of it, you’re only 35 today. That’s nuts! Just think of all of the amazing things you’ll do (with me and the beebz by your side, cheering you on!) in the future. I can’t wait to be there for all of your future experiences, accomplishments, and adventures. Happy Birthday! I love you!

[buffercake]

34. You got married on the freaking beach and got that honeymoon you always dreamed of (hah!) because of a mandatory Category 5 hurricane evacuation.