c-j-writes

[c-j-writes]

Maybe

November 2020 Single Word Writing Prompts

(So I loved OC-Tober so very much that I didn’t want it to end. However, I wasn’t ready to do the November thing of writing a novel or large story. I’ve had too much fun with the one-shot exercises. So what I’ve done is compile a list of 30 words, threw them into a random number generator to get their order and now I have my own prompt list!

Anyone can use this. In fact, I want you to! Go wild, write, drawl, whatever creative thing it is you do! Pick and choose your words, your order if you want to! No need to tag me in creations unless you want to, I highly doubt I’ll be sharing other people’s works here because this is primarily my roleplay blog. The point is that you have fun.

Thank you, @oc-growth-and-development for OCtober and the inspiration and motivation to keep going!)

1 Cornered 

2 Dream

3 Sleep

4 Vessel

5 Anomaly

6 Hide

7 Smoke

8 Cavity

9 Collection

10 Scar

11 Silver

12 Caught

13 Burn

14 Wild

15 Beauty

16 Comfort

17 Wanderer

18 Protocol

19 Pirate

20 Bullet

21 Forgotten

22 Storm

23 Perfection

24 Unrequited 

25 Peace

26 Spirit

27 Heirloom

28 Hero

29 Escape

30 Magic

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #17 “There’s just something about her.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Chapter Seventeen

Lunch was getting easier. The stares I felt burning into me from across the room weren’t, but Kloe and Mack’s friends were warming up to me. And I guess I was opening up to them. The idea of things going back to normal was getting harder and harder to believe. So making new friends didn’t seem like the worst idea. Plus, these guys were all a lot easier to be around than most of my friends. Apparently, Carly had been in some English class with me that I didn’t remember, but I probably had Sophie with me, so I wouldn’t have noticed much else. 

The biggest downfall of sitting there was Mack. I’d been trying to talk to her about whatever was going on between us, but it keeps being the wrong moment. Every time I’ve psyched myself up to go through with it, I’ll look at those damn eyes and that fucking smile and I won’t be able to get two words out before her lips are on mine.

We were basically acting like two touch starved teenagers in love, which I guess we are. But it wasn’t helping this whole breaking up thing. If you can call it breaking up when our relationship wasn’t exactly solidified by either of us anyway. Still, I couldn’t find the right time to break it to her. A part of me probably didn’t want to anyway. 

But I didn’t need to have that debate with myself again. 

When I sat down at the lunch table, everyone except for Mack was already there. Kloe was talking a mile a minute, not even stopping to acknowledge that I’d sat down. Carly looked like she wanted to shoot herself, but still watched the blonde and let her continue whatever she was saying. 

“What are we talking about?” I whispered to Eli, who was nodding along silently.

“I have no idea, she’s been going since I got here and I’m not really paying attention,” he replied. I had to hold in my laughter as Jose leaned forward and commented.

“She hasn’t stopped talking about some girl she met for the past fifteen minutes.” 

“-and she’s got such a great opinion on forensic psychology. I mean, do you know how many people actually want to talk about that? Not many. But she doesn’t mind at all, she actually knows stuff about it.” 

“I didn’t know you were into forensic psychology,” I cut her off, trying to stop the unending flow she had going on. She glanced over at me and raised her eyebrows. 

“Yeah, that’s what I want to do after graduation.” Carly mouthed a ‘thank you’ from beside her with wide eyes. I smiled.

“So, who is this girl you’re so excited about, anyway?” She’d never told me who it was she was going out with, just that she went to our school. I was dying to know. 

She smirked at me, looking down at her lunch. “I can’t actually tell you that, top-secret information.” I rolled my eyes. Same answer I’d been getting since she told me about her the other day. 

“You’ve been rambling about her for how long and you can’t even tell us who she is?” Carly asked, running a hand through her messy hair. 

“Nope, just that she’s amazing and I wish I could be with her every second of every day.”

“Calm down, Shakespeare,” I said, chuckling at her. It still surprised me that she was so open about dating a girl. Obviously, her friends were all okay with it, but we were right out in the open and anyone could hear her. She didn’t even look nervous. “I’m going to figure out who this is, I can promise you that.” I knew nearly every in this school, finding another closet lesbian couldn’t be that hard.

“Whoever it is, I just want to make sure they’re not fucking with you. If I find out you were going around trusting some asshole that was playing you, someone’s gonna be catching these fists,” Jose said, tucking his hands into fists to emphasize his point.

“Like you could hurt a fly, Martinez,” Carly mentioned. “But I second that.” 

“What’s going on?” Mack asked, sitting down close enough that our legs were touching. My heart rate spiked. 

“We’re signing a blood oath to protect Kloe if her new girlfriend is an asswipe, you in?” Mack nodded.

“Sure, why not?”

“She is not an asswipe and she’s not playing me, she is super sweet, you guys,” Kloe cut in. “You’d love her if you met her.” 

“I’m sure we would, all you have to do is tell us who she is and we can be the judges of that,” Eli said. I snorted, watching as Kloe pursed her lips in annoyance.

“Guys, she’s not out, don’t make Kloe out her when she’s not comfortable with it,” Mack commented. Kloe smiled at her and Mack nodded again. She looked at me after she said it and I had to glance around the cafeteria to avoid her gaze. 

The conversation continued to something Eli had heard about in his last class. I stopped paying attention after he started bringing up politics. Not really my kind of thing. Instead, I let my eyes roam the cafeteria. Not surprisingly, I immediately looked at my usual table, with Sophie and Derrick and five other cheerleaders. They were laughing at something, probably one of Derrick’s stupid, sexist jokes. I did not miss sitting near him every day. 

A few tables away, I glanced at the soccer team. I hadn’t talked to any of them since Darian told me to lie low and I missed hanging out. This was the time of the year that we usually started having bonding parties. Nobody outside of the teams was invited. No boyfriends, no best friends, not even Sophie. Just the team. Entire nights of movies and gossip and video games. It made me wonder if they were having those without me. I wanted to think not, but there wasn’t really any way for me to know.

While I was spaced out thinking, Mack leaned into me. Not enough to be noticeable to anyone else, but enough that I felt her knee knock into mine and our shoulders bumped and my mind went to a place I wasn’t wanting to go. I closed my eyes and thought about white sand, but I couldn’t let myself keep doing that. I had to stop encouraging myself. This could not keep happening. We couldn’t do this. 

Before my mind spiraled farther like it had been tending to do lately, I stood up and went to the bathroom. Not even two minutes after I leaned against the familiar wall opposite the mirrors, the door opened and I was met with glittering eyes and a warm smile. She stepped closer to me and my eyes tuned in to her lips. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders and our lips met, I couldn’t focus on anything else. For once, though, my brain held me accountable.

“Wait,” I whispered, pushing against her chest gently. She backed off quickly, looking at me with foggy, but concerned eyes. My heart melted a bit more. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked. The warmth in her voice almost made me change my mind. But I knew I had to do this. For both of us. 

Deep breath. Cedarwood and pine needles.

“Mack, I can’t do this.” Before she responded, I closed my eyes. I couldn’t continue if I had to keep looking into those damn eyes. “It’s too unfair to you to keep this up. You deserve to find someone that you don’t have to hide. I know you don’t want to stay in the closet and I’m not brave enough to be out of it. So, we can’t keep doing this.” 

Even through my eyelids, I could feel her gaze. It usually filled me with warmth and breeded butterflies in my stomach, but all it was forming now was something heavy and sharp. Poking through me and opening me up from the inside in ways that I didn’t want to show. But it was Mack, somehow she always saw these things. 

“Andrea, please look at me,” her voice was small and I hated being the reason for that. There were tears behind my eyelids waiting to fall, but I owed her so much already, so I opened myself up more and felt the streaks down to my jaw. Mack stood about a foot away, chin trembling and tear-stained cheeks of her own. “How many times are we going to do this? Because you keep saying you’re not brave, but I’m the one who’s not strong enough to keep doing this. This back and forth. I want to be with you and I’m trying to be patient, but I can’t keep doing this if you keep giving up every few weeks.”

“I’m doing this for you, you deserve better.” Mack was shaking her head. 

“Stop saying I deserve this, I don’t deserve to be tossed aside whenever you start feeling anxious. You’re not doing this for me, it’s your choice, not mine.” She closed her eyes, hanging her head a bit. “I’m not trying to make you out as some monster, okay. I just want to make sure that you understand that you’re the only one who wants this. Because I’m ready to wait as long as it takes for you. But clearly, that’s not what you actually want.” 

My voice caught in my throat before I could respond and I watched her wipe her face and walk out the door as if nothing had happened. Something we’d both been getting used to doing for completely different reasons than this.

[c-j-writes]

Just like I said. Illegal adoption.

https://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/immigrant-mom-loses-effort-regain-son-us-parents/story?id=16803067

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #16 “Listen. No, really listen.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Chapter Sixteen

“Okay, I know we’re supposed to be moving on to the next chapter, but I think we should celebrate your amazing work with a well-needed break.” Kloe grinned at me across the table. 

“But isn’t there going to be some kind of test coming up?” I asked. She rolled her eyes. 

“Like you really want to study for it anyway.” She wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t like this whole tutoring thing was my favorite thing to do. But I needed this distraction. I needed something to keep my mind focused on that didn’t have anything to do with- “So hey, I had a question about Mack.” 

Of course. I tried to look nonchalant, but I think the tapping of my pen gave me away a bit. “What’s up?” 

“Is there something going on between you two?” She narrowed her eyes at me, acting as if she could see whether or not I lied. I was betting she didn’t know me that well, though.

“No,” I replied. Keeping eye contact was key, so my eyes never left hers while she tried to search them for my honesty. “Why would you say that?” 

It was basically rhetorical, I knew what she’d been witnessing. The looks, the sneaking off at lunch, the closeness that Mack tried to hide. Neither of us was being subtle enough. To be fair, Mack wasn’t used to hiding, she came from a place where she could kiss a girl in front of a whole cafeteria without being scared. Me on the other hand, I guess subconsciously I didn’t want to hide, so I started making so many excuses that I felt like my actions were completely innocent. 

“You guys just seem really close is all.” She shrugged, I knew she couldn’t see through me. “I guess it’s just that history that neither of you will tell me about, huh?”

I nodded, leaning over to root through my bag. There had to be something in there to do to keep me busy. Something so I didn’t have to keep up this conversation. Talking had been getting harder lately, especially with every second being spent worrying about whether or not everyone around me knew my secret or not. 

It’s been a week. Silence. Nothing from Sophie. Nothing from anyone. She was waiting for something, but I couldn’t figure out what it would be. All I could do was stress myself out every day walking down the halls. And wait for some asshole to make some comment and watch my life crumble around it. 

For as amazing as she is, Mack doesn’t seem to understand that part. The part where everything I’ve built for myself in this town, with these people, at this school, all of it’s going to change. She doesn’t understand that it’s more than just accepting myself, it’s a world of people judging me for all the years they’ve known me, only to hear about this. 

“So, what has been going on with you? You’ve been severely less enthusiastic lately.” I looked up at her and raised an eyebrow.

“Speaking of, why the hell have you been so chipper?” Her face gave her away before she started speaking, a blush racing up her neck and across her cheeks.

“I didn’t think it was that noticeable,” she said, looking down at the folder in front of her. I’d never seen Kloe this flustered before. It must be something big.

“Uh, yeah, you’ve been crazy happy for no reason, what’s up?” She hadn’t noticed that I’d changed the subject onto her, which is good. 

“I um… met someone.” Her voice was quiet, but her words were unmistakable. A joking smile spread on my lips and I let it rest there.

“Like you met someone or you met someone?” I wiggled my eyebrows at her when she glanced up. Her face bloomed brighter.

“Stop it!” She shook her head, bringing one hand up to cover part of her face. “I met a girl and we’ve kind of been hanging out and I’m kind of hopeful about it.” Her face was practically glowing from the smile that was shining. I chuckled at how giddy she looked, then I thought about what she’d said.

“Wait, you met someone here? Like at this school?” She nodded. “I didn’t know anyone was out here?” This that her face dimmed.

“She’s not out.” Oh. She’s going through the same thing Mack is. “I honestly don’t know how you do the whole keeping it under wraps thing. I guess no wonder you had a meltdown over it.” I glared at her.

“Rude.” 

“Sorry. But you’d be surprised how many closet cases there are at this school. I seem to be attracting quite a few. I guess you guys can’t resist an out and proud fem, huh?” I snorted at her. She looked up at the ceiling, getting lost in her thoughts for a few minutes before looking back at me again. “Your turn, what’s up with you?” 

I took a deep breath. “Just a lot on my mind, it’s nothing.” Kloe didn’t look convinced this time, though. 

“It’s definitely not nothing. You’ve been acting like a kicked puppy for a while now.” I didn’t know what to tell her. There was way too much shit going on to explain it right now. “Come on, I thought we had a back and forth with this whole sharing thing. You owe me one.”

“It’s really not that big of a deal, it’s just a lot of stuff happening at once.” She still didn’t look appeased, so I tried to switch the topic again. “I’m happy for you though, that you found someone who apparently makes you really happy.” 

A light seemed to turn on in Kloe’s mind and she brightened up again. “I know, you need a girlfriend.” I couldn’t help it. I laughed. Hard.

“I can barely keep my shit together thinking about my sexuality and you think I need a girlfriend?” Not to mention I sort of had one already, but Kloe didn’t know that part. 

“No, okay, listen.” I raised an eyebrow, tilting my head to the side. “No, really listen. Maybe it could do you some good. You know, have someone to spend time with and talk to that gets it. Kind of like me, but you know, who cares more about your issues.” There’s the Kloe I remember. 

With a flourish, I feigned pain and held my hand to my heart. “Wow, I thought you cared, Kloe, I’m hurt.” She rolled her eyes. 

“I’m serious though, I have some friends who’d probably be very interested in you. You know, I guess dumb jock is some girls’ type.” 

“I’m glad you’re acting a bit more normal, it was weird not having you insult me to my face.” She grinned, looking at me expectantly. 

How was I supposed to turn her down? She seemed prepared to debate this topic for some reason and I didn’t have the energy to keep disputing her. If I told her about Mack and me then she might understand. I mean, obviously, she’s moved on so I don’t have to worry about that. But then, maybe I shouldn’t. If staying hidden was so hard for her, why was I forcing Mack to go through that? Wouldn’t the right thing be to let her go? Stop making her lie about who she is just because I can’t deal with who I am. Maybe she’d be happy if she could find someone who wasn’t scared. Maybe she’d be better off. 

Besides, there were already mild rumors going around about why I was spending so much time with her and who she was. It was only so long before Sophie came up with whatever plan she was making. I didn’t want Mack to get caught up in the storm that was currently blowing through my life. I shouldn’t have dragged her into it in the first place. And then kept dragging her back. She was being so patient and amazing and here I was suffocating her in the closet when she’d already gone through this. She’d already come out and dealt with everything that comes with it. It was my turn. She deserved someone who wasn’t such a coward. 

“So?” Kloe prompted. I took another deep breath. 

“Fine,” I muttered. I swear, she almost squealed. “But it has to be on the down-low. I’m not going to find out that everyone in the school knows about this. And I’m only agreeing to one date.” She was nodding, with the biggest grin on her face. 

“I know the perfect girl, this is going to be great.” Suddenly, I was a lot more scared.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #15 “That’s what I’m talking about!”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in some chapters

Chapter Fifteen

The halls were oddly safe as I made my way back through them to my science class. If I missed science, Mack and Kloe would both be on my ass about it and I didn’t want to explain to either of them what happened. Not right now. Right now I needed some time to let my mind cool off. Also, the school doesn’t count you as skipping unless it’s two consecutive periods, so they won’t call my dad. 

As I limped towards the science wing, I expected everyone to be staring at me. I mean, naturally, word would have spread by now, right? But no one gave me any dirty looks, just friendly head nods, and the occasional wave. Everything was so normal. This is not what I would’ve expected after getting outed.

Unless Sophie didn’t tell anyone. 

But she had absolutely no reason to keep it to herself. I’d given her direct ammunition to ruin me and she’d already had the pent up rage to pull the trigger. Yet here I was walking through the halls with no bullet in my back. No blood in the water. It felt like too much of a relief. She had to be waiting for something. The perfect moment to catch me off-guard. It’s no fun when they’re expecting it, huh?

I got to the classroom just as the final bell was ringing. The room was still filled with kids settling down as I walked to my seat and sat down. Mack’s stare was burning into me, even from behind Kloe, but I couldn’t bear to meet it. I’d just gotten myself under control, if I looked at her now, I’d be in shards again. 

Kloe gave me a quick smile and a nod, which I returned before laying my head down on my arm and closing my eyes. It hadn’t even been a minute when someone knocked on the table right in front of me and I jolted upright. Mr. Blackwell stood over me with a very unamused face. 

“Consciousness is usually a key factor in learning, Ms. Faultz,” he commented, setting a paper upside down on the table near me. “Nonetheless, I have to say you’ve been improving, good job.” 

When he walked to the next table, I flipped over the paper slowly. Beside me, Kloe was already filing her perfect score into the folder she kept old tests in. I thought it was overkill, but I guess when you’re actually smart, you do things like that. 

“What’d you get?”  She asked me, leaning over to look at my paper. I tilted the paper towards her to show the B- written in red on top. If it were any other day, I’d probably be smiling like crazy. “Nice, that’s what I’m talking about!” Kloe seemed to be excited enough for both of us, which was an odd thing to see in her. But I wasn’t complaining, it made me feel less awkward for my lack of energy. 

“Hey, nerds,” Mack said as she pulled a chair to the front of our table and sat down. She glanced at me, but I kept avoiding her gaze. 

“Isn’t Mr. Blackwell going to get on you about the seating chart?” I asked. I looked up for just enough time to catch her face flinch with hurt before she shook it off and kept smiling. She was used to this from me anyway, hot and cold. 

“Nah, we’re doing test review. He doesn’t give a shit where we sit.” With a subtle nod, I just let my head fall back down to my arm and my eyes closed. 

“Look at Andy’s grade, she did so well,” Kloe gushed. I didn’t know why she was in such a good mood or why she cared so much about my grade. Sure, she was my tutor, but she never seemed that thrilled about it in general. Part of me was annoyed that she was flaunting my grade around as if she hadn’t just aced the same test, but it was Mack. I couldn’t care less if Mack knew how much of an idiot I was. She was some kind of math whiz, so she’d already found out about my stupidity over the summer. 

“Damn, look at you go, Sleeping Beauty,” she replied. The nickname made my veins heat up with annoyance, but it was better than her calling me ‘Andrea’, so I let it go. All I wanted was to sleep for a few years and wake up when all of this shit was over with. I drifted off for a while before I was interrupted again. This time, Mack was tapping on my shoulder. 

With a deep sigh, I asked, “What?” My eyes opened just enough to make out a bleary version of the brunette and the absence of a blonde next to me. 

“Hey, how are you doing?” She kept her voice low and I appreciated it so much I almost wanted to start crying again. But I’d done enough of that for the decade. 

“I really don’t want to talk about right now,” I muttered. Mack nodded, tapping one of her fingers on mine. I imagined she wanted to hold my hand, for comfort, but she knew this was not the time or place for that. 

“Do you still want to go somewhere after school?” So much had happened today, I’d completely forgotten about our secret dates. Just thinking about it now made my head hurt. What was I doing? Sneaking around with some girl as if it could be normal. As if my life wasn’t going insane. 

“I don’t think so.” She just nodded again and I was stuck between being annoyed and thankful for how perfect she was acting. My lips curled into a small smile, deciding for me. 

Just as Kloe was walking back to the table, I let my eyes close again and tried to lose myself in the sound of Mack’s voice while they talked. I tried to convince myself that just doing that wasn’t bad. I mean, it was just a voice. Not some proclamation of love, right?

After school, I crutched my way back to the field. The smell of the grass and the feeling of the sun on my skin was enough to ground me from where my head had already been trying to float off into the abyss. Once I was back on my crate, I took a few deep breaths and let my mind wander to where it’s been trying to go since the beginning of the school year. To white sand and blue sky and soft skin and warm eyes.  

If Sophie actually starts telling people, it’s all going to be over. The team is going to hate me, I’m going to lose my scholarships, and from there, my future will be dust. But I’ll still have this summer. I’ll still have foggy mornings and cloudy evenings and nights under the stars. Those won’t disappear. I won’t let them. 

“I thought I saw you slink off over here.” 

With a start, I almost jumped up at the voice, but my ankle got in the way and I just ended up kicking another crate. I winced at the pain shooting up my leg. 

“Yikes, sorry, dude,” Darian offered, stepping forward to help me set my leg on a crate to keep it out of the way. 

“S’fine,” I whispered, still grimacing through the stinging. She sat down next to me, pulling up a crate of her own. 

“What are you doing out here by yourself?” There was no judgment in her tone, just curiosity, which was normal for her. Darian was never one to judge. Not in all the years, I’d known her. 

“Just needed somewhere to think for a bit.” I let my head loll back to glance through the metal seats, the bright blue sky cutting through just enough. 

“What are we thinking about?” A few birds flew across where the cracks let me see. 

“Shouldn’t you be practicing?” The only reason I could think that she’d be out on the field was if the team was out there. But then, why didn’t they come with her if she came here? 

“Nah, there’s some party tonight that most of the girls are going to so I gave them the day off. I’m not as much of a hardass as you.” She bumped my shoulder with hers and I smiled. 

“They probably wish you were captain this year instead of me.” She snorted, shaking her head. “They’ve always liked you more.”

“Hey, we’re a family, Andy, no one’s allowed to have favorites.” She bumped into me again. “Except for me and I choose Tanya.” I chuckled a bit. 

“Ouch, I thought we went way back?” 

“Oh, we do, T just knows how to keep her mouth shut, none of the rest of you do.” 

“You’re one to talk, Chatterbox.”

“Oh, whatever, Gimp-leg.”

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #14 “I can’t come back.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in some chapters

Chapter Fourteen

“Andy, this is a surprise.” Coach Faye looked up from her computer screen with a smile. I tried to match her enthusiasm, but I was lucky if it didn’t look pained. “What can I do for you?”

Limping through the entryway to the chair in front of her desk, I sat down and tried to act like my world wasn’t collapsing. “Hey, Coach, how’s it going?” My hands felt jittery, so I clasped them together to stop them from moving. 

Coming here was a spur of the moment choice. Mack had wanted to take me to the nurse’s office, I think. I still wasn’t completely sure what she’d been saying, but from the look on her face, that was probably a close guess. But if I went to the nurse, the whole school would know it and the aftermath would be even worse than it's going to be. And I couldn't go to class. If the word was getting out, I wouldn't be able to sit there and witness my reputation get destroyed. So, here I was. 

It was a familiar place. One that usually kept me calm in the midst of anything. That's what I needed right now. To stay calm. Because if I kept thinking about who knew and who was telling who… it wouldn't be good. 

"Well, if I'm being honest, I've had a hell of a day, but that's not important. Shouldn't you be in class, Ms. Faults?" She raised an eyebrow at me, but her face didn't lose its chipper expression. 

If she only knew why I definitely should not be in class right now. "I got a pass from my teacher," I lied through my teeth. Coach just nodded, not asking to see the pass which meant she knew I was lying. 

"So what did you so urgently need to talk to me about?" I twisted my fingers around each other while I thought about what excuse I could use to stay here for the period instead of braving the halls. 

“Well, Kloe thinks I’m doing better on my schoolwork, so uh… you won’t have to worry about my grades too much.” My eyes cast over to the window beside her and the field past it. God, I wish I could just go run drills today, forget about everything that’s bothering me. 

“That’s good, I’m proud of you,” she replied. When I looked back to meet her eyes, she was staring right through me. “I’m more worried about that leg of your’s though. The girls are missing you out at their unofficial practices.” I tried to laugh because I knew she was trying to joke around and lighten the mood, but it didn’t come out right.

“I can’t come back. Not yet, at least. I’ve still got to do some stupid physical therapy after I get this off.” I kicked my leg up a bit to emphasize. 

“Yeah, but that’s what’s going to get you back on the field and in better shape than ever. Don’t be doubting physical therapy. It saves lives.” She smiled and tilted her head to the side, looking at me a bit deeper. “But that’s not why you came here, is it?” My mouth opened, ready to spill yet another lie about my grades, but I just closed it with a sigh. 

“I’ve got a lot going on right now,” I muttered, shifting the way I was sitting because my ankle was going a bit numb. Coach Faye gave me a look like she felt bad but she hadn’t signed up to be a counselor. I felt bad for bombarding her with my issues. 

“I know it must be hard for you to cope with an injury this close to the season.” She stood up and rounded the desk to put her hand on my shoulder. “And stressing over your grades can’t be helping. I’m sorry you’ve gotten so much thrown at you this year.” 

“It’s not your fault.” She nodded, looking down at my leg.

“I know, but I know your mother would’ve wanted someone to be there for you.” I glanced out the window again. Suddenly, the room was getting claustrophobic. It felt too small and too cozy and strangely different than it had a minute ago. 

“Thanks,” I muttered, moving to stand up and startling Coach. I stood up awkwardly and Coach stumbled out of my way a bit. “I um… I should get back to class.” Pushing past her as much as someone on crutches can, I booked it out of the office, not even waiting for her good-bye. 

She always brought up my mom. She thought it was some comforting topic to throw in and make me feel better. Most of the time it was since my dad didn’t really talk about her, so conversations with Coach were basically all I had left of the real her. The real her meaning not what everyone knows, not just the soccer superstar. The woman who loved rock climbing as well as sports and who majored in philosophy during her college career. 

Hearing about my mom was usually something that brought my mood up in any situation. But after today. After what Sophie said to me, I don’t want to think about my mom or what she’s thinking. 

Instead of taking a left towards the main hallway, I took a right and exited onto the practice fields. I wasn’t going back to class. Not yet. I limped my way around the field to the back of the bleachers, where the sun only peeked through in slivers. I sat down on a wooden crate and I took a deep breath. Then another. And another. I just kept breathing until I could do it without as much thought.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #13 “I never knew it could be this way.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in some chapters

Chapter Thirteen

School was a whirlwind. The weeks seemed to be going by in a matter of days and hours. Which was surprising, given the amount of time I spent sitting around my house. The team was still avoiding me, but in the polite ‘we’ve got plans’ way. Darian still drove me to school, acting like everything was normal and the social status I’d had for the past three years wasn’t currently imploding. Kloe hadn’t given up on me yet and she even seemed to think I was improving, but I think she was full of shit on that point.

It didn’t matter though. As long as I stayed focused on the work, she wouldn’t start questioning me on anything else. She wouldn’t ask me about Mack anymore. Because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle that. As it was, sitting next to her at lunch was becoming a challenge. She’d meant it when she said she wouldn’t force me out, but she wasn’t making it easy. Leaning into me when she laughed and gazing at me longer than was necessary when I spoke. Every lunch period, I’d leave choking on the butterflies that had swarmed in my stomach. 

It was like a twisted game she was playing, see how long it took for me to break and just out myself. But now there was more at stake. Not just my reputation or my scholarships or my spot on the team. Now Kloe was actually warming up to me and what kind of friend would I be if I stole the girl she was pining over? I mean, sure, technically I had her first, but still, that has to break some kind of bro code, right? So, I did my best to keep our sessions completely focused. No side conversations, no distractions. I’d never paid such close attention to math before, but you have to do what you have to do and avoidance was one of my best skills.

Mack, for her part, didn’t pressure me too much to talk to her in school. Nothing past casual lunchroom conversation. But she made a deal with me. She’d keep quiet, keep giving me time, as long as I was actively working towards coming out. Lucky for me, that’s not exactly something you can measure. I wasn’t proud of it, but if she didn’t realize now, she was never going to accept that coming out simply wasn’t an option for me. So, I’d let her sit there and believe I was going to someday and she’d smile and drive us to the beach after school. It was a win-win situation. 

I was even trying to participate in the conversation at lunch more. Sure, I still felt like I was a temporary part of their crowd. Just there as a placeholder until my friends came to their senses. That’s why I still needed to limp off to the bathroom to take a break every day. Their energy was still too high for me. But it gets easier after every day that Mack meets me and wraps her arms around me or smiles through the mirror if we’re not alone. 

Maybe this whole sneaking around thing wasn’t as bad an idea as I thought. The warm feeling in my chest every time I saw her almost outweighed the anxiety that followed. Maybe we could just keep this up until graduation. 

That’s what was on my mind one day while I stood at the sinks in the bathroom, waiting for her to follow me. The door opened and I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face as I looked into the mirror and waited for her eyes to meet mine. But instead of green eyes and cedarwood and pine needles, my gaze met with Sophie. She raised an eyebrow and flipped her hair behind her back. 

“Waiting for your girlfriend, Ands?” I looked down at the faucet, trying to keep the emotions from showing on my face like a neon sign. 

“What are you talking about?” I wanted to be angry, but hearing her voice just made me think about how long it’s been since we’d even talked. She stepped forward and leaned against the sink next to me. 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you sneaking off with your new best friend.” The bite to her words was noticeable and I didn’t want to think about what was spinning around her head. 

“Someone sounds jealous.” I tried to give her a look, but I could tell the color was draining from my face. 

“You wish.” She rolled her eyes. “Is that why you’ve been hanging out with the gay crowd all of a sudden?” I knew I should have defended them at that moment. That would have been the right thing to do. But every rational part of me just wanted this conversation to be over. I just wanted Sophie and I’s whole argument to be over. 

I closed my eyes and took a breath before I spoke, summoning my inner peacemaker. “Soph, I don’t want to fight with you.” By the look on her face, she was shocked. I kind of was too, usually, I was the last person to back down from a fight. But I’d been noticing the absence in my life more and more. “I miss you. I miss having someone to talk to and hang out with and complain about my dad to. I miss having a best friend.” It wasn’t often I let myself be this vulnerable. Especially in front of Sophie because she tended to be a shark that attacked when she smelled blood. But lately, my heart and my brain have both been pretty adamant about honesty, so here we are. 

Sophie’s face was stoic, not letting any hint of what she was feeling get through. We stood there, facing off in silence for a few seconds. Her calm and collected, me probably looking like someone had just punched me in the face. Then, she cracked a bit.

“I miss you too, Ands.” She sighed and looked at her own reflection. 

“Why are we doing this?” 

“Because you’re a stubborn asshole sometimes.” I fake glared at her, feeling some of the tension that’s been surrounding us for weeks ebb away.

“So are you.” I nudged her with one of my crutches. 

“Listen, Ands, you know I’m not an idiot. I’m being safe, I wouldn’t get myself addicted and fuck up my life, I can handle it.” I didn’t believe her, but the part of me that wanted my old life back was outweighing the part of me that cared. 

“I know…” I muttered it, not wanting to give in but knowing I had to. Sophie glanced over at me.

“But something was up before this. There’s been something going on with you for a while, I feel like you’ve been keeping things from me.” Her eyes were soft like we were back in her room and we were thirteen and she’d just told me about her parents getting a divorce. We didn’t have these moments of honesty that often, but they were always big. If this was going to work, I had to be honest. It was now or never. 

Besides, she seemed okay with Mack when they were hanging out at that first party. Maybe she’d be okay with her. With us. Maybe it wasn’t such a longshot. It would be so nice to introduce her to my friends. The best of both worlds. 

“What’s going on with you?” She prompted. I had to look away from her because I knew I couldn’t look her in the eye if I said this. 

“I have to tell you something,” I started. My lungs filled with a deep breath to keep myself calm. I had yet to admit this without it triggering a panic attack. “I’m gay.” The hint of a smile stretched on my face. It was only the second time I’d said those words out loud, but it felt so much different. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Like I’d been holding myself underwater for years and finally came up for air. 

After a few seconds, I let myself look up at Sophie. Her eyes were frozen on me, the soft look in them offering me a few more moments of hope. 

“I never knew it could be this way,” she whispered. Then she slowly spun around and paced across the bathroom. “I mean, we always joked about it, but I never thought it was actually… that you were actually… I never imagined you were actually a dyke.” On her last word, she stared directly at me. Her eyes were getting darker, the softness dissipating as fast as it came. My entire body went cold. 

“Sophie, I-”

“No, I don’t want to hear anything from you. I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell me this. How many times have we had sleepovers together, how many times have you watched me get dressed? What the hell, are you some kind of pervert?” My neck was heating up rapidly, I could practically see the blush spreading across my face. 

“It was never like that!” I tried to keep up a brave face, but my eyes were stinging with tears before I could finish my statement. 

“Sure it wasn’t,” she spat. My gaze fell to the ground because I couldn’t keep looking at her as her face grew more and more upset. I was trying to focus on my breathing because it was getting too fast, but her words were making my head spin. “God, I can’t imagine what your team would feel like. Do they even know? Are you even going to tell them?”

“Sophie, please, don’t tell anyone.” My voice was weak, my throat thick with unshed tears. 

She looked at me and it was the first time I’d been on the other end of her cutthroat gaze like this. With a scoff, she started walking to the door. “I don’t owe you anything.” Just before she pulled open the door, she said, “What would your mother think?” 

The door closed with a sharp bang and I flinched. My legs felt wobbly and my head was trying to keep up with what had actually just happened. Her words were still cutting through me as if she was still standing there throwing them at me. 

I never looked at my team like that. I wouldn’t. But they wouldn’t think that. They wouldn’t see me anymore, they’d see the lesbian who’d shared a locker room with them for three years. Who’d seen things that boys were barred from for one specific reason. They’d never trust me again. If I weren’t off the team for existing as gay, they’d definitely get me kicked off for that. 

My breathing was getting harsh, each scattered breath felt harder to get in. The tears in my eyes were nearly blinding me, but I wouldn’t let them fall. I couldn’t. Not here. Not now. I had to go somewhere. Do something. But my legs weren’t moving and I couldn’t do anything but stand there paralyzed. 

Then my head wrapped around her last words and I felt like I might collapse. I didn’t even notice the door had opened again until Mack had grabbed either side of my face and made me look at her. My eyes weren’t focusing right and I knew she was talking to me, but I couldn’t pay attention to what she was saying. All I could think about were those words. 

What would my mom think? She’d never know this about me. Never curl in disgust or smile in acceptance. Maybe she’d think I was disrespecting the sport by not being honest about it. By hiding that part of me. Maybe she’d hate me. But I’d never know either way. 

Mack pulled me into her chest and wrapped her arms around me. The second my face hit her collarbone, I fell apart. I didn’t care who walked in and caught us. It didn’t matter. If Sophie knew something, the whole school might as well. The minute I walked out of this bathroom, I’d be a different person in everyone’s eyes. And there was nothing I could do about that anymore.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #12 “What if I can’t see it?”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in some chapters

Chapter Twelve

The office was colder than I expected. It had been blisteringly hot outside today, so I thought it would be fine if I wore a tank top and shorts to my checkup. But no, this place had to be at most fifty degrees. I was sitting on my hands to keep them warm while I waited for the doctor to come talk to me. My father had work, so this checkup was thankfully solo. It was a good thing because, with the way my head was still spinning from earlier today, I didn’t think I’d be able to keep up a nonchalant facade with him. 

Everything was getting too confusing. I was supposed to be leaving my relationship with Mack in the past. It was over, the less I thought about it the better. We couldn’t just go around pulling stunts like we did today and expect not to get caught. We got so lucky that no one walked in. Besides, hiding wasn’t Mack’s style and I wasn’t about to risk my entire life by coming out. That could wait for college. Or after college. Or never. Whichever was farther away. 

Not to mention, I’m supposed to be Kloe’s friend. Kloe, the one who has a huge ass crush on the girl that I just made out with a few walls away from her. Also Kloe, the one who makes me forget how to speak when she looks at me. But how can I be that affected by her? Obviously she’s attractive, but it’s pretty apparent from lunch today that I’m not over Mack. So why is my heart doing this to me? And why now? I’ve gotten through three good years of this secret not being an issue, why is it becoming so hard to keep in now?

Then there was Sophie. It had been years since we’d gone this long without talking. Even over the summer, why kept up on social media and text messages. Now, it was radio silence. I didn’t want to be the one who gave in, but I had to admit, I missed having something to do after school. Somewhere to be when I was bored and lonely. Not that I’d tell her that, I was supposed to be the strong one anyway. I didn’t need anyone. She could take my status and all my so-called friends away and I’d still hold my head high. 

But who was I kidding? This hurt like hell. 

“Andrea Faultz?” 

I snapped my attention back to the present and looked up at the doctor. 

“Yeah, that’s me.” He smiled, walking in with a clipboard and a folder. He’d taken Xrays when I came in, I’d been waiting for them to develop I guess. I’m not sure how it works. He started pinning the Xrays up on the board and lit it up. “How’s it look?” I asked, squinting to try and make out where exactly the break was.

“It’s healing well, but we’ve still got a ways to go. The progress is remarkable though, you’re doing a great job taking care of it.” I grinned, swinging my legs from where they hung off of the checkup table. 

“So, do you think I could get this cast off and start practicing soon?” The doctor gave me a stern look.

“Don’t let this go to your head. As I said, you’ve still got a lot of healing to do. Don’t push your luck, kid.” He gestured to the scans and continued, “But you’re on track, so a little over a month from now, you should be able to get the cast off and start physical therapy.”

“Where exactly is the break?” I was staring at the scans, but all I could see was noticeable bones and dark areas that looked normal. 

“The fracture was right along here.” He ran his hand along a particular part of the bone, closer to my foot than my calf. 

“What if I don’t see it?” Maybe it was my eyesight or my lack of a medical degree, but it looked completely normal to me. 

“Well, I assure you, it is there. Now, let’s go over some information on your painkillers, I want to make sure you’re using them correctly.” I rolled my eyes because of course, he’d think the teenager was abusing the prescribed drugs. I mean, apparently, I was one of the only ones who didn’t regularly do illegal things like that. 

The checkup took longer than I thought it would. Two hours after I walked in, I was sitting at the bus stop having missed the bus I was going to take home. The next one would be another forty-five minutes. I was lounging on the bench, scrolling through social media, when my phone started buzzing in my hand. Soon enough, the Caller ID popped up. 

I shouldn’t answer it.

“Why are you calling me, Mack,” I answered it.

“I know you don’t want to talk about this or think about it, but it’s all I can think about and I can’t just keep pretending what happened between us was some dream.” I shouldn’t have answered it. 

“Mack, we’ve had this conversation.”

“Yeah, then you kissed me.” She had a point. “Look, can we have this conversation in person, can I meet you somewhere?” 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” It’s a terrible idea, given what happened the last time we were alone together. 

“Please, don’t you trust me, Andrea?” 

She pulled up to the bus stop ten minutes later. I got into the car and stared ahead. I ignored the smell of cedarwood and pine needles. I ignored her burning gaze. I ignored the gentle words that left her mouth. Okay, those I didn’t ignore, but I ignored the gentle part. 

“Thank you,” she started. It was quiet. Before she continued, she merged back into traffic and started driving. I had no idea where we were going, but I guess she did because next thing I know she’s pulling onto the ramp for the interstate. 

“Are you taking me somewhere to kill me and dump my body?” She laughed and I ignored the sweet sound of it. 

“I thought you said you trusted me.” Technically, I just gave her my location, but I guess in a way it was an admission of trust. 

“That’s not an answer to my question.” She sighed.

“I’m not going to kill you, Andrea.” 

“Andy.” I definitely did not glance over to catch her smile. “Then where are we going?”

“You’ll see when we get there.” I rolled my eyes, looking back out the windshield. We drove for a few more miles until she got off at an exit that was too familiar. I kept my mouth shut as she pulled off onto a dead-end road and parked the car in front of the entrance to the pier. 

“Mack,” I started, but she didn’t let me continue. 

“You said this world wasn’t real. Well, here it is, real as ever.” She wasn’t looking at me anymore, she was staring ahead at the sand and the water and the blue sky. 

“This can’t be my real world,” I whispered, not wanting to disturb her but knowing I had to say it. She closed her eyes and let her head fall a bit. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. We’d had this same conversation about my world and how this part of my life couldn’t fit into it. There was nothing else to debate about it, nothing that hadn’t already been debated. 

“Why can’t I be real for you?” She asked, turning to look at me. “I know you’re scared about your reputation and everyone’s opinion. I know, I get it, that shit scares me every day. But I can’t let myself live by it. This is what’s real to me. How I feel about women is real to me. This summer was real to me. Staying up until the sun came out, just talking was real to me. Driving around aimlessly for miles just to be together was real to me. Waking up with you in my arms was real to me. Your eyes and everything they do to me is real to me. What those assholes back at school have to say about any of it? That’s what’s not real.” 

I didn’t know I was crying until the tears were dripping down my face. Mack reached over and brushed them away with her thumbs. Then she gave me the weakest smile and I fell apart.

“I’m not forcing you to come out,” she said. “That’s not what this is. It just hurts so much to look at you and see something amazing and have you look back like you don’t even know who I am.” When I met her eyes again, I didn’t ignore how they made me feel. I fell into it. The way my stomach swirled and how my heart beat faster by the second. I let it all consume me. 

And I kissed her. We were both tear-stained and emotionally wrecked, but for that moment we were together and it was okay. I kept telling myself it was only for now. It was just this moment and when we left, it would go back to normal. I’d still have my secret and we’d still be strangers in my real life. But the divide between this world and mine was getting smudged beyond repair. And let’s be honest, nothing was going to be the same.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #11 “It’s not always like this.” 

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in some chapters

Chapter Eleven

Monday was hell, to be honest. I hadn’t thought it would be terrible because it’s not like Sophie and her crowd were the only people I knew to hang out with. But when Darian was driving me to school she told me I shouldn’t sit with the team at lunch for a while. 

“Don’t get me wrong, you and I are still chill, but some of the girls heard about whatever happened between you and the cheerleader and are a little tense about it,” she said. She offered to ditch the team and sit with me instead, but I didn’t want to look that desperate, so I said it was okay. 

God was I regretting that decision. I limped around the edge of the cafeteria, looking for somewhere that would count as neutral territory for me to sit. The issue was that everyone I knew outside of the team was only friends with me through Sophie. Students shuffled around me and across the room, I met eyes with the blonde, who immediately flipped her hair and became really invested in whatever dumb conversation was going on. 

In all honesty, I could probably fix this all right now. I could walk over, do some groveling, and everything might go back to normal. But let’s be real, I’m way too stubborn for that. 

That still left where I was going to sit. The courtyard was currently feeling like a prime option. I was beginning to feel eyes on me, I’d been standing there for too long, it was getting weird. My shoe squeaked on the tile as I spun around and started walking toward the door. 

I’d nearly made it to the set of double doors when I felt an arm loop through one of mine and pull me gently toward a table. 

“Hey, Jockstrap,” Kloe said, snickering at her own joke. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or get annoyed at the insult. “Guys, this is Andy, she’s sitting with us.” The way she said it was more of a declaration than asking permission. 

Once I’d sat down, which took a bit of effort, with the leg and the crutches and the nearly full table, I glanced around at the occupants. A few of the faces looked familiar, in a “seen them around the halls” kind of way, but not a “had them in class before” way. Three girls were squeezed into the bench across from me, they all nodded a bit and went back to looking at something on one of their phones. Two guys to my right said hi and introduced themselves as Jose and Eli.

“Wait, we’re supposed to introduce ourselves?” One of the girls across from me asked. Jose snorted. 

“Generally, that’s what you do when someone new sits down,” he replied, shaking his head at the redhead who’d asked. 

“Yeah, but it’s Andy Faultz, everyone knows her already.” She said this as if I wasn’t sitting right there, but I didn’t let it get to me. I mean these were people that had saved me from the humiliation of limping away to the courtyard. Well, I guess that was Kloe, but they’re still in association. Plus, it’s not like they’ll matter too much when things with my regular crowd blow over, which I’m sure they will eventually. Especially once I get this stupid cast off and the season starts. 

“But Andy here doesn’t know everyone yet, does she?” A girl sitting next to Kloe, on my left, asked. “My name’s Carly.” She reached across Kloe to shake hands with me. Classy. “The Powderpuff Girls here are Val, Taylor, and Mari.” I nodded. It was probably odd that I wasn’t saying anything and I felt that awkwardness, but the truth was, I was out of my element. Sure, I tended to be a people person, but it’s different when you’re an outsider to an entire group of friends. Not to mention, I’d had entirely too much excitement lately and I didn’t need anymore. 

Still, it felt rude to not say anything to them. I opened my mouth to greet the group of teens when someone dropped a tray on the table next to me. 

“Mind if I sit here?” 

Want to take a wild guess who it was? I’ll give you a hint, it rhymes with heart attack. I just shook my head and avoided looking into her eyes, it wasn’t like I had the power to turn her away in this position. Cedarwood and pine needles filled my senses and I looked down at my hands on the table to keep my mind distracted. 

“Hey, Mack,” Kloe said, sounding giddier than she’d ever sounded around me before. And I thought my crushes were obvious. Mack nodded, giving her a quiet smile. 

“I see you found a stray,” she commented. It took a lot of effort to keep my face straight and not bite her head off like I wanted to.

“Yeah, she looked like she needed a home and Kloe knew her from something or other, so I told her to go save her,” Carly said. So she was my savior. I glanced up at her and tried to convey my gratitude with a smile. She nodded, turning her attention to the salad in front of her. 

“I know her from…” Kloe paused, looking at me and noticing my face fall into panic, “chemistry. We sit next to each other. You’re in the class too, aren’t you, Mack?”

“Right,” Mack nodded, looking over at me with her cocky smirk. “How could I forget.” Her hair was getting longer, the tips were just past her shoulders now. “What made you grace us with your presence, Andrea?” 

Before I could correct her or reply, the girls across from us burst out laughing. The kind that you hear all the way across the room. The table goes silent and we all look at the trio, who simply quiet down and continue staring at the phone in front of them.

“Sorry about them,” Eli commented. “It’s not always like this, sometimes they’ll share whatever it is with all of us.” He smiled and rolled his eyes. 

Kloe started asking Mack how her day’s been and all I could do was tune everyone out. I was grateful for the save today, but this wasn’t my home. I didn’t belong to this group, it was temporary. There was no need to try and make any long-lasting connections. So, I just sat and tried not to look as uncomfortable as I felt. 

Every once in a while, Mack would lean a bit too much towards me and our knees would knock together or our shoulders would bump. I couldn’t help but think she was doing it on purpose. 

About halfway through the lunch period, I got up to go to the bathroom. I wasn’t really using the bathroom, not only because that would be disgusting, but also because it’s hell getting off the toilet with this ‘no weight-bearing’ shit. The group was just a bit too much for me. It was a big difference going from the person that everyone knew and wanted to hang out with to someone who sat silently while everyone around her was having the time of their lives. 

Surprisingly, I caught the bathrooms at a moment when no one else was there. I took the time alone to lean against the wall and take a deep breath, clear my head. The day had already worn me out. When I opened my eyes, Mack was stepping through the door. I would’ve been angry, but I barely had the energy to glare. 

“I think this is the longest I’ve seen you go without having something to say,” she said. I ignored her smirk and looked up at the ceiling, wishing it would turn into a blue sky and the tile would change to white sand. “I can find somewhere else to sit if you want.” 

Her face was gentle and held no trace of sarcasm when I glanced back at her. “No, they’re your friends, I’m the one who doesn’t belong there.” She chuckled. 

“From what I’ve gathered, Andrea Faultz belongs anywhere Andrea Faultz wants.” I shook my head. You can really tell your emotions are fucked when you feel like crying for no reason. I was hoping my face didn’t show how I was feeling too much, but when Mack’s face fell I knew she saw right through any mask I tried to put on. “Are you okay?” 

I shook my head, pushing the heels of my hands into my eyes to stop the tears from falling. Her arms were wrapped around me before I could say anything and my face fell against her shoulder. She held me tight to her and her heartbeat thumped on my cheek. 

“What’s wrong, Andrea?” She whispered against my hair. 

It might’ve been my fragile emotional state lately or how soft her voice felt, but the honest answer tumbled out of me before I could catch it. “I wish the world I had over the summer could be my real world.” She leaned away enough to look in my eyes.

“Why can’t it?” I made a mistake at that moment. And the moments following. First, I looked at her eyes. Cardinal rule, broken. Then, I leaned forward and met her lips. Warmth spread through me, from my toes to my ears. Her arms tightened if that was possible and I heard one of my crutches clatter to the floor as I reached up to touch her face. It was slow and gentle, like her words always felt, even when they pissed me off. She pushed me back into the wall, leaning into me enough to make my head go fuzzy. We barely separated to catch our breath, meeting again within a second and I swore I heard waves crashing against a shore. 

A toilet flushed in the boy’s bathroom next door and it was enough to slam my mind back into reality. Without much thinking, I pushed Mack away and almost fell over trying to balance on one foot by myself. Mack stumbled a bit but caught herself, her chest heaving silently. I had to look down at the floor, away from her face, to keep myself under control. 

Without saying anything, Mack knelt down, grabbed my crutch for me, and walked out of the bathroom. I took another deep breath. Neither of us had any words, even if we had mountains of things to say to each other.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #10 “Listen, I can’t explain it. You’ll have to trust me.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Ten

It was two weeks until Sophie broke. Around noon on a Saturday, when my father was out running some kind of errand because he couldn’t stand seeing me lay around the house. She knocked on the door, which was surprising since she’d never really knocked on the door before. She always walked right in.

I’d taken up residence in the living room, watching old reruns of soccer games. I didn’t feel like hobbling to the door since it was supposed to be one of my lazy days, so I just yelled from the couch, “Come in!” Sure it wasn’t the safest option, but there was really no one else that would’ve been coming to visit my house. 

Her shoes clicked on the wood floors as she made her way to the living room. My head was slightly fuzzy from the pain meds I was on, so it took me a second to remember that I was supposed to be mad at her. It took a few more seconds to remember why.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” she snapped, standing right in between me and the TV. Her face was pulled together in a stern face, one that I didn’t see on her often. I smiled, still trying to think of the specifics on why I was avoiding her.

“And why would I be doing such a thing?” I asked, grabbing the remote and turning the TV off. She rolled her eyes, bringing her arms up to cross her chest. 

“Cut the bullshit, Ands, that’s what I’m here to talk about.” Thankfully, that’s when it clicked. 

"Why were you on drugs the other night?" It seemed as good an idea as any to be blunt about it. Why dance around the point when I was pretty sure we both knew what I was upset about?

But Sophie just arched an eyebrow and looked at me like I was the crazy one. “What do you mean?” I scoffed at her.

“Don’t play dumb. At Liam’s party, you were hanging out with those college guys and you were on something. You were trying to get me to take some pill.” 

“Okay, so I was trying out something new, it’s not that big of a deal. Is that seriously what you were so upset over?” She stepped over my leg, where it was propped up, to sit on the couch next to me. 

“Soph, that stuff is dangerous. Those guys are dangerous.” She drew up her knees and rested her chin on them and I had to look away from her to keep my mind focused on what I was saying. “If you’re not careful, you could lose your cheer scholarship, you’d probably be kicked off the team. I know I would be if Coach caught me with that shit. Not to mention the basic fact that drugs are fucking dangerous and addictive and-” 

Before I could continue, Sophie laid her hand on my thigh and said, “Calm down, Ands.” And for a few seconds, I couldn’t breathe. She was looking directly into my eyes and I knew I had to say something, but my mind was turning into the mush it usually did when someone of the same sex touched me. 

“Why?” I asked because that was all I could manage. Sophie tilted her head to the side and I hoped my voice didn’t sound too pathetic. I needed to get control of myself. 

“It just makes me feel so nice. Listen, I can’t explain it. You’ll have to trust me.” I shook my head because, for the first time since we met, I didn’t.

“I don’t want you getting hurt, I don’t like the idea of you going to these parties and getting fucked up on random drugs from those guys.” That got me another eye roll and Soph’s face turned colder.

“I don’t need anyone looking after me Ands, I’m not a baby,” she snapped, leaning against the opposite arm of the couch and putting some distance between us. “Plus, don’t you realize that the reason those guys are at every party nowadays is that everyone is doing it?” 

She lost me there. “What?” 

“All of our friends are trying this stuff. We’re going to be in college next year, we want to be ready for the hard shit. You would’ve known all of this if you didn’t have to go AWOL every summer.” 

My eyes moved to the blank television screen because I couldn’t stand to look at her anymore. It didn’t make sense, I didn’t want it to. I’d spent the summer opening myself up in ways I didn’t think were possible and all of my friends had spent it getting into drugs.

“Doesn’t any of you guys care about your actual future? You know college isn’t the only thing after high school, right?” Soph shakes her head at me.

“Ands, do you really want to keep up this disappointed mom routine? You’re being such a drag.”

My face twisted into a glare as I looked back at the blonde. “I’d rather be a drag than a druggie.” Soph actually flinched before she stood up. 

“Fine, whatever, I can’t believe I actually came to try and make things right with you.” She just kept shaking her head, her eyes getting darker and darker. “Don’t expect to be invited to any more of those parties, since you have such an issue with them.” 

“Whatever,” I muttered simply to have something to say back. Sophie rolled her eyes again and started storming towards the door.

“Bye, Andy.” 

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #9 “There is a certain taste to it.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Nine

Kloe had a busy week, so we weren’t able to make plans until the weekend. In the meantime, I agreed to work as hard as I could on staying focused during our sessions. The first set of quizzes and projects were starting to come up in my classes and doing well on those would help to set a precedent for myself. That’s what Kloe said at least, she thinks it’ll wire my brain to want to match those scores and help me keep up with the work. I don’t think my brain works like that, but it was worth a try. 

Sophie had been texting me non stop all week, but I wouldn’t break. If she wanted to talk to me, she was going to have to do it in person. And I knew she wouldn’t, so it gave me time to sort through what exactly I was going to say to her. It might not be the healthiest option, but it was so much easier to just ignore that until I had to deal with it. I did miss her driving me to school, but Darian was so enthusiastic, I almost didn’t mind the change. 

The week went by faster than Monday had. It was like, once I poured my heart out a bit, the universe took it easy on me for a while. 

Saturday afternoon, Kloe picked me up from my house to go out to lunch. She wouldn’t tell me where we were going beforehand, so I just sat in the passenger seat and watched the buildings we passed. 

“I didn’t know you drove,” I commented. The silence hadn’t been awkward, but I wanted to talk to her. 

“Yeah, I got my license when we moved down here since I didn’t know anyone to get around with.” Her hair was twisted into a braid that wrapped around to drape over her shoulder. I dragged a hand through mine, which I’d left down after half an hour of putting it into a ponytail and taking it down and repeating. 

Let’s make one thing clear: I was not nervous. I just wanted to look nice since it was the first time we were hanging out by choice. There was nothing weird about that.

“I never got around to taking the test, I was always too busy.” Not to mention, my father wasn’t the type to get me a car for my birthday, so I’d be on my own in that aspect. 

“Well, one thing that happens when you move across the country is finding yourself with a lot of spare time.” She never took her eyes off of the road, which was a welcome difference from Sophie’s driving style which was basically a game of let’s see if we live. We pulled into a small parking lot next to an old-style building. It was odd seeing a place look so dated when everything around this town was usually so new. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been here,” I said, glancing around for the sign. Kloe stepped out of the car, so I followed suit. 

“It’s a little Greek place, I found it while I was exploring a few weeks ago.” We walked to the entrance and I found the name of the restaurant on the door. “Apollo Devine” was written in script letters. 

The restaurant was pretty quiet. We were the only customers other than an elderly couple near the door. I stopped at a sign that requested to wait for the host to seat you, but Kloe kept walking and sat down at a booth down the main aisle so I followed her. There were fake plants everywhere. Ivy hanging from the walls and from a few giant bowls placed around the room. As I took in the quaint atmosphere, a tall woman with curly, dark hair walked up to the table and passed us each a menu. 

“Hello, ladies, can I get you anything to drink?” 

“Hey, Kate, could I get an iced tea?” The woman nodded, smiling down at Kloe and then turning her gaze to me.

“I’ll have water, please.” Kate walked away, her hair bouncing behind her. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to a Greek restaurant.” Kloe raised an eyebrow at me.

“I guess for some people there is a certain taste to it, but I do feel bad because you’ve obviously been missing out.” Her eyes were brighter than I remembered them on the first day as she scanned the menu. When Kate came back to take our orders and give us our drinks, I’d forgotten to even look at the options, I was too busy staring at the goddess in front of me. With a quick glance, I ordered the first thing my eyes fell on and handed the woman my menu. 

“So, you like Greek food?” I asked. Kloe nodded.

“Yeah, my family’s Greek, so it kind of comes with the heritage.” 

“I didn’t know you were Greek.” 

“My mom’s side of the family is. I grew up in the same town she did, so all of her family was around us. My Ya-ya owned a restaurant like this one, so when I come here it makes me feel closer to her.” Kloe glanced around the room like she had seen it a thousand times and it was a fond memory. “When we moved here, it was hard. We left behind all the family I’d known my entire life.” 

“Why did you guys move?” 

“My father got a job offer over here and my parents decided it would be the best option. Supposedly this is a much better school district than the one I was in, but from the looks of the classes so far, it’s a step-down.” She drummed her fingers on the table, looking down at her hands. Her eyes were getting dimmer and I wish I knew how to brighten them again. 

“When I was younger, we used to travel around a lot for my mom’s job. I swear I went to three different schools every year until seventh grade. But it made us closer, I think, spending all those years only having enough time to know each other.” My head swam with thoughts of my elementary years. We were all over the country. Not many kids can say they saw all fifty states before middle school. 

“What did your mom do?” The words caught in my throat for a second. It’s been so long since someone’s asked me that question. Everyone’s known me as the soccer player following in her mom’s footsteps for as long as I can remember. Even strangers seemed to know who I was before I met them.

“She uh… she was a soccer player.” Kloe cocked her head to the side and quirked an eyebrow. God, why did she have to make my stomach swirl like that?

“So that’s where the dumbass jock energy comes from, huh?” A quick burst of laughter escaped me at her comment. 

“Language, Darling,” Kate snapped from beside us, holding a tray of steaming food. We both jumped a little. I hadn’t even noticed her walk up. 

“Sorry, Kate,” Kloe managed through her own giggles. We shared a glance, each of us slightly red from laughing. 

With a few muttered thank you’s and a jokingly stern face from Kate, we dug into our food. Kloe was right, there was a certain taste to it, but it wasn’t bad enough o make a deal out of so I just powered through. We sat in relative silence for a few minutes, just enjoying the food in front of us and the atmosphere around us.

We were both nearly done with our plates before each of us spoke again. I was surprised for Kloe to actually start the conversation back up. 

“So, hey, now that I know you’re… batting for my side, I guess,” she started. The wheels in my mind were turning trying to comprehend what she was talking about, but once she continued it fell into place. “You wouldn’t mind me asking for some advice, right?” 

“You want to ask me for advice?” I raised my eyebrows at her. “As in, the one who literally cried to you this week over coming out?” Kloe rolled her eyes.

“Okay, clearly it’s not ideal, but you seem to be familiar with the person I’m interested in and you might know something that could help me out.” I laughed at the situation, but Kloe kept a stone face so I calmed myself down. And I ignored the splinters that were spreading through me with the realization that she had a crush… and I clearly wasn’t on me.

“Who?” She’d have to be specific when I knew most of the girls at our school. 

“Mack.” My face went cold as the blood drained from it and any remarks I had at the ready failed immediately. Suddenly, I couldn’t keep eye contact with Kloe, I had to look away. At the plants or the pictures on the walls or the family outside the window. But I knew I had to say something, I couldn’t just ignore the conversation. 

Of course, she’d ask me about Mack. Mack probably retold our entire summer to her since they’re apparently best friends or something. I’m surprised Kloe was even shocked to find out about my sexuality when she’d been hanging around with Mackenzie anyway. 

“So Mack told you?” My voice was smaller, but the anger behind it was clear. I knew Kloe didn’t deserve that anger, this wasn’t about her, it was between Mackenzie and I. But she was here. And she was bringing it up. And if she knew anything, she should know that was a bad idea.

“Mack didn’t tell me anything.” I glanced back at her, searching her eyes for anything that would tell me if she was lying or not. But I can’t read faces. “I noticed you two seemed close at the party last weekend and before that, didn’t she drive you home from the party on the first day?” 

So I guess I wasn’t being as discreet as I’d like to have been with Mack. I can easily blame her for that, though, because she won’t just leave me the fuck alone. 

“She didn’t tell you anything?” It seemed too good to be true. If I were in her position, I’d have spilled the second we met just to spite me. 

“Every time I asked about it, she just said you were an old friend. Which doesn’t make sense because we’re both the new kids here.” Kloe looked at me pointedly. She clearly wanted some answers, but I didn’t want to have this conversation. Granted, it would be easier to talk about it with someone who at least understands the gay part. But some selfish part of me still wants to keep this summer as my own little secret. If no one knows about it, then no one can rip it apart. 

“I’ll tell you this much if she likes you, she’ll make it blatantly obvious. You will not miss it.” Kloe looked down at her plate, thinking about my words. I silently thanked Mack for keeping our summer between us, even when she had no reason to. 

“That’s shit advice.” I shrugged.

“I tried to warn you.”

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #8 “Can you stay?”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Eight

My weekend was supposed to be calm and refreshing after the hell-storm that my first week back had been. It was supposed to be lazy and carefree and I wasn’t supposed to be thinking about anything except what to binge-watch on TV. 

Instead, I spent two days straight thinking about everything that had happened Friday night. Everything that had happened the entire week actually. 

When I first saw Mack, I hadn’t known what to expect. I thought she’d be angry with me for how I ended things. But to have her come up to me and pretend everything was completely normal? That made me even more angry. She knew what my reputation meant to me and she was purposefully dangling herself in front of everyone at school, baiting them to ask why she knows me so well. It’s like she’s asking for someone to put two and two together. Like she wants me to be outed to the entire school because she can’t keep her fucking distance. 

That wasn’t even what I was most angry about, though. How could she walk out of whatever we had and not be the least bit affected by it? She was acting like nothing even happened. As if this summer and everything between us was just some fling that she was used to forgetting about. I didn’t want anyone to find out about us, but she acted like I meant nothing to her either way. I didn’t want to admit how much it hurt. 

While I was lounging on the couch, trying to relax and let myself be absorbed into the cushions and the old reruns I was watching, I kept glancing at my leg and thinking about that day. I knew academics were something that I needed to improve on. It wasn’t like I was proud of how bad my grades were. I just never expected that, of all things, to catch up to me this year. I thought it was smooth sailing this year. Then I let some stupid conversation get in my head like that. I’ve never been that distracted when I played. Playing usually clears my head. I don’t know why I was so out of it. 

Sophie texted me most of Sunday. I didn’t want to answer her so I kept ignoring her and hoping she’d just stop. She didn’t. I didn’t know what to say to her. If I tried to talk to her about it, I’d just come off as the controlling friend who was acting all stiff. But I know what happens to people who get in with those crowds. 

After some thought and some sobering up, I recognized those guys she was with. They were college guys, from the community college a few miles away. They were the kids who sold to half the town and hung out with gangs in their free time. I’d seen them around parties a few times, but I thought Sophie was smart enough to steer clear. People in their crowd were the ones who would start cutting classes and stop applying for colleges and suddenly lose scholarships without anyone asking why. In this town, those were the kids whose family had enough money to keep those problems quiet. But that didn’t mean those kids had any hope of a future, most of them were still in this town with no chance of getting out. 

I didn’t want Sophie to end up like that. She was better than that. She was my best friend. But I didn’t know how I could tell her that without her getting defensive about it. 

These thoughts consumed me like a hurricane of emotions for all two days of my weekend. My father never bothered me on weekends and with my busted leg, he tried not to look at me too much anyway. On Monday, I asked Darian to start taking me to school so I didn’t have to confront Sophie so soon. She was more than happy because Darian’s always happy about everything. It was something that pissed me off about her when we were rivals, but now I found it endearing that she was such an optimist. 

She noticed that I wasn’t up for talking and turned up the music to fill in the lack of conversation. My head hurt from all of the things spiraling around in it. No number of deep breaths was relaxing for me. I stumbled through my classes with my mind numb and blind to anything going on around me. I walked into the library absentmindedly for tutoring. My body was just following a routine while my brain tried to make sense of anything it could in the meantime. It was just foggy. Like if I kept trying to pick apart everything that was happening then I was bound to find some kind of solution. 

“You’re not even listening to me are you?” I nodded at Kloe, looking down at my notes but not even comprehending what subject we were on. “Andy!” She clapped in front of my face. My mind quieted for a moment and honed in on her face. She looked beyond mad, her eyebrows drawn together and her lips pursed. “If you’re not going to pay attention than why am I even here?” She asked, picking up her folder and moving to stand up. 

“Wait,” I said, but it was barely audible. I had barely spoken in the past few days, so my throat was scratchy. I cleared it. “Kloe, wait.” I moved to grab her arm but thought better of it. I wouldn’t appreciate it if someone did that to me. She stopped anyway from where she stood in front of the door. “Can you stay?” I dropped any charm or wit or anything I’d been trying to plaster on my face around her and hoped she saw how desperate I was. No matter what else was going on, I had to think about the team. I needed to keep my grades up and if she left, I had no chance. She stared into my eyes for longer than I expected before finally nodding. 

The breath in my lungs let out slowly. She sat down again and I rubbed my eyes, trying to get myself to focus. 

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, looking back at her. She still looked mad, so I looked at the papers in front of me instead. “I’ve got a lot on my mind and I shouldn’t have let that follow me in here.” 

“Everyone’s got shit, Andy, you’re not the only one in the world with problems.” I nodded. “You ready to actually get to work now?” I kept nodding, but before she could open her folder again I interrupted.

“I’m not here just because I needed an extra class,” I blurted out. She looked at me unamused. “My coach said that if I didn’t bring my grades up, I might not get recruited for next year.” 

“I know that, Andy.” My eyes snapped up to hers. 

“What?” 

“When they asked me to sign up as your tutor, they briefed me on why you were in the program. You know, it gives me a better idea of how to help.” My mouth dropped open. Isn’t that kind of stuff supposed to be private?

“So, you just let me spout on like an idiot when I told you I was just in here to fill space?” She gave me a crooked smile.

“To be fair, you don’t need any help sounding like an idiot.” I glared at her, but it didn’t stop her from continuing. “But I know your type, you’re all about pride and all that, I figured you just didn’t want to own up to being someone who needs a tutor.” My face softened at that. She was right. I mean, I haven’t even told anyone that I got put in tutoring because they’d look at me differently. “Is that what you’re so upset about? Needing a tutor?” 

“Not completely, but it doesn’t help.” I picked up the pencil that had been sitting in front of me and started tapping it on the table. 

“What is it then?” My eyes slowly lifted to meet hers again and I lifted my eyebrows.

“You don’t want me to rant about my issues,” I laughed. She nodded and leaned back in her chair.

“You’re right, I don’t. But you’re not going to be in the right headspace to learn any of this shit if you don’t get whatever it is off your chest, so go on. Out with it.” 

My throat went dry the second I opened my mouth to say something. For the first time in days, my mind went completely blank and I stuttered a bit trying to think of what to tell her. Nothing in my head made any sense when I thought of how to put it into words. I was floundering and my breath was catching in my throat. I had to say something, though, so I closed my eyes and let out the first thing that popped into my mind.

“I’m gay.” Wrong thing. That was the wrong thing to say. I’m an idiot. 

I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see her reaction. My face went completely red as I sat there and tried to think of ways that I could take it back. But the truth was staring at me and all I could do was slink down in my seat and hide from it. Now that it was out there, all I could think about was how fast it would travel. She was the new girl, so everyone was still obsessed with her and she’d tell someone, anyone, and it would be all over the school before the end of the day. I had no chance. I had just outed myself and there was nothing I could do to change it. 

What would the team say? What would Sophie think? What would my father do? 

Even while they were closed, I felt tears swelling up my eyes. I didn’t want to cry in front of Kloe, but I’d already let my worst secret drop in front of us, so why not? 

“Andy, open your eyes,” Kloe whispered. It was the softest thing she’d said to me. I could feel warm tears already trailing down the sides of my face, so when I pried my eyelids up, the world was nothing but a blurry mess. I wiped my eyes and felt the blush on my face get hotter. Kloe was looking at me with big eyes. I’m sure I shocked the hell out of her, so I wasn’t surprised. “It’s okay.” 

Her words swirled around in my head, but I couldn’t help but deny it. She was new here, maybe where she was from this was fine, but here… here this wasn’t just an everyday thing. Here this kind of thing was what decided your entire life. My head was shaking before I could form any words.

“It’s not,” I said, but the voice didn’t sound like mine. It sounded garbled and congested from unshed tears and pent up emotions. She stood up and I was ready for her to walk out the door and leave me to pick up my shattered self from the floor, but she came around and kneeled beside me. Her arms wrapped around me and she tucked my head into her neck. 

“Andy, it’s going to be fine.” I couldn’t find my voice to reply because more tears kept flowing out of me and my throat was too thick from it. She just kept holding me there and I couldn’t remember the last time someone had held me. It had to have been my mother at some point, years ago. I leaned into her and let my years’ worth of damage shine through. 

She let me stay there bleeding my heart out of my eyes for far longer than anyone should’ve been comfortable with. When the tears finally ran dry and I was somewhat confident that I wouldn’t fall apart if she let go, she went back to her seat and I wiped at my eyes. They felt puffy from all the crying. When Kloe settled back into her seat, she reached out and grabbed my hand to keep contact with me. 

“I’m sorry,” I say when my voice is a bit more intact. 

“Don’t.” I looked up and she was giving me a pointed look. “Do not apologize. This is not something to apologize for. If this is who you are, there is no need to be sorry about it.” My head shook side to side.

“Kloe, you don’t get it. In this town, this kind of thing isn’t okay. There have been so many kids who get kicked off teams because they tried to come out.” My eyes meet hers and I try my best to convey everything in my head. “If this gets out, my reputation will be dirt.” 

“Is that really all you care about? Your stupid reputation?” She stared at me for a few seconds before rolling her eyes. “What about being true to yourself and not hiding?”

“Hiding means I’m safe.” My voice got quieter as Kloe’s got louder.

“Safe from what? From people who don’t understand you? From some fucked up stereotype?” Her voice was raising loud enough that I was worried the people in the library might hear. “Who cares if you’re gay?”

“Sh, shut up, shut up.” I leaned forward and covered her mouth with my hand, but had to move back with a wince when my ankle twisted in an odd way. I sighed. “Look, Kloe, no one can know about this. I don’t know why I told you in the first place.”

“Because underneath all that fear, it feels good for someone else to know.” I glanced up at her, finding nothing but softness in her eyes. “Don’t worry, I’d never tell anyone, that’s your job.” 

I smiled, opening my mouth to thank her. Before I could, the bell rang, startling both of us. We laughed awkwardly and started packing our stuff to leave. 

“Hey,” I started, trying not to lose what little nerve I had. “Do you want to maybe get lunch or something after school? To apologize for being such a crappy student… and because you’re right… it does help that someone knows.” 

Kloe stared at me with her stone face for a few seconds. I honestly thought she might leave without giving me the time of day. Then she smiled gently and nodded.

“I’m choosing the place.”

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #7 “No, and that’s final.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Seven

Friday rolled around faster than I would’ve liked. It took Sophie a few more attempts to convince me, but here I was limping up the steps to some fancy house with music pumping out of the open windows. Sophie and Derrick were ahead of me, walking like they couldn’t keep their balance without leaning on each other. I shouldered my way through the door and glanced around. Derrick was already dragging Sophie over to some of his swim team friends.

Some football players yelled at me and raised their plastic cups. I nodded in their direction and kept making my way further into the house. If I was going to stay here, I needed to find the alcohol. Going to a party always meant drinking, so I’d skipped my pain meds this morning just in case. I didn’t need to fuck around and kill myself from mixing oxy with alcohol. Unfortunately, that meant my ankle was shooting with pain. 

The house was a maze, one that I’d never actually been to, so I was stumbling around blind for a few minutes. Eventually, I’d made a huge loop and was back in the front room. With a huff, I looked around for a seat because I had to get off of this damn foot. Just as I took off for a spot on the couch across the room, I felt someone grab my shoulder. 

I whipped around as fast as I could, almost tripping on one of my crutches. 

“Woah,” Liam laughed, jumping back as dramatically as he could. “Didn’t mean to scare you like that, Andy.” Hint to guys everywhere: don’t grab a girl’s shoulder like you’re about to kidnap her. 

“It’s cool,” I muttered. I shifted my weight onto my arms, even though they were sore as hell. Liam noticed my discomfort and immediately tapped a guy who was sitting in a lounge chair next to us. 

“Hey, man, can you move, Andy needs a seat.” The boy didn’t look thrilled, but he couldn’t just ignore the host. I didn’t appreciate that he assumed I needed help, but I wasn’t about to turn down the help. 

With a small smile, I sat down and leaned my crutches on the arm of the chair. It felt so good to sit down. It wasn’t like I’d been on my feet nonstop all day, but my arms and my right leg were so sore from three straight days of getting around on the crutches. The weekend was calling to me like an oasis. Two days straight of laying around the house and not worrying about anything. 

“Do you want a drink?” Liam grinned down at me. He had short black hair and his incredibly white teeth shone through his dark complexion. He was good looking, I’d give him that. This was annoying because it made it harder to figure out what excuse I was going to give Sophie as to why exactly I wouldn’t give him a chance. 

“I’d love a drink.” Liam nodded and took off down a hallway across the room. Maybe I could just pretend. He seemed nice. Maybe I could humor him and go on a few dates. It would get Sophie off my ass. I mean, the last boyfriend I’d had wasn’t terrible. It was just the kissing that I couldn’t deal with. He had been trying to grow a beard, so kissing him was like making out with sandpaper. I could’ve probably kept up with faking it if it hadn’t been for that. 

My mind went back to earlier today, during my tutoring block with Kloe. I hadn’t been able to stop watching the way she twirled her hair around her finger while she was thinking. And the soft curve of her eyes. And the gentle way she smiled. 

I couldn’t fake it.

Liam appeared next to me holding two cups and grinning. I took one and painted on my best flirty smile. 

After an hour or two, I felt rested enough and wanted to do some exploring. I still hadn’t talked to most of my friends since the end of last school year, so I was overdue for some catching up. Liam had stopped to talk to one of his teammates and I lost him. Not that I particularly cared, the guy did not know how to hold a conversation without bringing up the damn football game. 

Upstairs was off-limits because I was not about to struggle my way up a flight of stairs in front of this many people. I found a second living room somewhere along the way and met up with a few girls from the team that hadn’t made it to practice when I had my accident. They had more drinks, it was beer but it was something and my leg still needed numbing. 

By the time I had made it around the house a good few times, my body was buzzing. It had been a long time since I’d been anywhere near drunk. I’d stayed away from parties all summer, so the big end of the year party was the last time I’d had more than one drink at a time. My limbs felt floaty, which was a welcome difference from the aching they’d been doing lately. It was nice being here with all the people I’d known for years, not having to think about the future or my grades or anything. 

I was just about to head out to the pool and see what was happening out there when I passed the kitchen and couldn’t help but stop to search for another shot. It was fairly late at night, so the kitchen was empty. I’d been searching around for a few minutes in the cabinets when I heard a set of footsteps behind me. Tossing my hair over my shoulder, I glanced back at whoever had entered the room. 

“Who even invited you?” I snapped at Mack. She just stared at me with that goddamn smile on her face. The one that showed too much of her chipped front tooth and gave one of her cheeks a dimple but not the other. “Stop it,” I said to her before she could answer.

She lifted an eyebrow. “Stop what?” Her voice was filled with the laughter she was holding in and I had to glare to stop thinking about the sound of her laugh. Deep and bubbly at the same time. 

“Smiling at me.” My head was wavy from the alcohol, so I didn’t remember that I wasn’t supposed to be looking at her. I looked down at my feet and stared at my bright green ankle for a few seconds. Then my head went to the reason I had the stupid cast on and the anger in me started festering, so I looked back up.

“Why can’t I smile at you, Andrea?” Her eyes kept getting brighter and it was just making me angrier. Why couldn’t she just play the damn part? If she played the part like I did then I could’ve introduced her to my friends, we could hang out all the time. I could see her and not have to keep myself from staring. 

“My name is Andy, get it through your fucking skull already.” I stepped forward, trying to look tough, but failing when I remembered that she was half a foot taller than me. She giggled and looked down at her feet.

“I know your name, but nobody calls you Andrea, so it makes me feel special.” When she looked back up at me her eyes were soft and warm and before I knew it, we were on the beach. She had just opened her heart like no one ever had to me and I felt so many emotions that my brain didn’t work right. And as I stood there trying to think of something to respond with that wouldn’t make me look like a fool, she leaned in and pressed her lips to mine. The butterflies in my stomach exploded and I almost lost my balance from how unimaginably perfect it felt. 

“Am I interrupting something?” Mack turned her head to the doorway and smiled. I shook myself out of my daydreams and glanced over to see who’d walked in. 

“Hey, Kloe, I was just looking for a drink,” Mack replied. The blonde looked over at me and arched an eyebrow like she needed verification. 

“Yeah, uh… there’s nothing in here, I was looking,” I muttered. My face heated up as it usually did when I was in her presence. It was like she was some kind of force of nature that made me completely lose my shit. Mackenzie looked between the two of us and chuckled to herself. Kloe just nodded and looked over to her. 

“Do you have any idea where the bathroom is?” 

“I think I saw it down the hall like around the corner?” Mack pointed out of the room and to the left. With a nod, Kloe took off. I expected Mack to follow her, but she stayed leaning against the wall by the door and stared at me.

“Wow, I thought I was the only girl you had eyes for?” With that, my anger came hurtling back full force. 

“Fuck you, Mack.” I pushed past her, limping out of the room and down the hall. The pool area was crowded with people who would normally look familiar, but I wasn’t processing faces. All that I could think about was Mack and Kloe and how Mack still has some kind of ability to fuck with my head no matter how much I tried to block her out of it. I wanted to rant to Sophie about it but I couldn’t. She wouldn’t get it because she doesn’t know and I can’t tell her. Not now. Not like this. It’s so complicated and she wouldn’t understand. I really just wanted to forget about all of it. 

Sophie was sitting near the corner of the screen when I found her. There were two guys next to her that I honestly didn’t recognize. I glanced around the area, surprised that Derrick was nowhere to be found. 

“Ands!” Soph screamed, standing up and almost falling on her face in the process. She stumbled over to me and grabbed onto my shoulders. “Ands, oh my God, I have been looking for you.” Her eyes looked out of focus, but I knew mine probably were so I didn’t worry about it. She was probably just as drunk as I was. 

“I’ve been inside, it’s not like I blend in that much,” I commented, lifting one of my crutches to emphasize my point. 

“Your leg! Your leg probably hurts, right? I know exactly how you can make it feel better.” 

“I mean, I don’t really feel it that much to be honest.” Sophie wasn’t listening though, she just turned around and grabbed something from one of her buddies before coming back and pushing something into my hand. I looked down and immediately clapping my hands together.

“Sophie, are these drugs?” I whispered to her. She giggled, covered her mouth with one of her hands and nodding. “What the hell are you doing with these? Why the fuck would you give them to me?” I shoved them back at her, but she pushed my hand away.

“It’ll help your leg, so it won’t hurt anymore. It’ll make you feel so good.” She smiled as if nothing were wrong and we were bickering over some candy and not an illegal substance. 

“I can’t be caught with this shit, I could get kicked off the team.” She rolled her eyes.

“Don’t be a party pooper, Ands, come on, it’s fun.” She grabbed my hands and lifted them in the air. I almost lost my balance and one of my crutches fell over. Sophie just kept giggling. With a huff, I pulled away.”

“Sophie, no, and that’s final.” One of her friends stood up to grab my crutch for me. “Thank you.” He nodded. When I looked back at Soph, she just looked disappointed. 

“Damn, Ands, you sound like my mother, why don’t you ever just have a little fun?” She looked at me like I’d grown a new head and suddenly, I barely recognized my best friend. The anger that had been bubbling up in me from Mack came back to the surface, but I kept myself from saying anything I’d regret and I just turned around and walked away from Soph as fast as I could, given that I was crippled. 

I rushed through the house, ignoring anyone who tried to say anything. Blood was pumping through my ears louder than anyone around me. I just booked it for the front door and didn’t look back.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #6 “Yes, I’m aware. Your point?”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Six

My locker banged as I shut it a bit harder than necessary. I wasn’t in a good mood. Because of my stupid ankle injury, I had to get taken out of my gym class, so my morning was spent in the guidance office changing my schedule. Now, instead of the class that helped me keep my calm for the day, I’m headed to the library for a tutoring block. That was Coach Faye’s suggestion, which I couldn’t exactly dispute. 

Crutching my way down the hallway, I felt like everyone was staring at me. My ankle was in its new cast, green, at my request, which in hinds sight, I should have realized would stick out like a sore thumb. My father pulled some strings with some guy he knew at some office somewhere and got me an appointment with an ortho doctor within a day. So, I got to stay home the rest of yesterday and wallow in my self-pity. It wasn’t pretty. 

Darian texted me pictures of the team meeting after school and getting back on practice in my honor. It was supposed to cheer me up to know that they’re not just giving in because I’m out, but it just made me feel worse about not being able to be there. Sophie had been texting me on and off about cheerleader and football drama that I was missing and she thought I would have cared about. 

The library was right next to the gym, so I got to see the doors before I had to turn away and walk into the library. As I was thinking about how to open the door without dropping a crutch, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I glanced over and huffed. 

“What do you want, Mack?” My voice was probably snappier than usual, but to be fair, I’d had a hell of a few days. 

“Are you okay? What happened to your foot?” Swiveling on my good ankle, I turned to face the brunette. Almost immediately after I looked up at her, I looked away, remembering that her face wasn’t good for my focus. 

“I broke my ankle, it’s nothing.” I could feel her eyes searching for mine, but I wasn’t going to give in. I couldn’t deal with this right now, I had too much happening to think about her or why she won’t leave me alone or why her face made me panicky. 

“It’s doesn’t look like nothing, Andrea.” And why does she have to sound so damn sincere? 

“Well, it is nothing that you need to worry about, okay?” I turned back to the library door and wrenched one open, holding the crutch with my free hand. “And my name is Andy,” I said over my shoulder as I limped into the building. I pushed all thoughts of Mack out of my head. At least, as far out of my head as I was able to.

The library was far from quiet. Since it was still between periods, students were talking aimlessly as if the silent rule only existed within the constraints of class time. 

It was a slow process getting from the entrance to the back of the building, where the private study rooms were. That’s where everyone in the tutoring program got to meet, otherwise, you had to book time int he rooms at least a month in advance. Not that I’d ever cared about using one. 

My tutor wasn’t there when I struggled my way into the room. This whole crutch thing was going to take some getting used to. I took my time settling in and propping my ankle up on a chair next to me. The bell rang and I glanced out the window, into the main room, to see if anyone was approaching. Not a soul. 

Whatever. If my tutor was absent, that meant that I basically got a free period. Pulling out my phone, I replied to yet another text from Sophie about some jock who got with some freshman. Just as I was refreshing a few social media apps, the door opened, startling me enough to jump slightly. I winced as my leg moved in an awkward way. When I looked up, my mouth went dry.

“Hey, sorry I’m late, I had to pick something up,” Kloe said, taking the seat across from me. Her hair was in a bun, with pieces sticking out at odd angles. She could pass for an artist. She started laying out a folder and a few sheets of paper, reading over something before looking at me expectantly. My eyes followed her movements, snapping up to her face when she cleared her throat. 

“Um… hey, how’s it going?” I asked, lifting one corner of my mouth into a lopsided smile.

“It’s going fine, it would be going better if you could pay attention and get out the work you need to get done.” She leaned back in her seat, lifting an eyebrow. Shit. I was pissing her off. 

“Sorry.” I leaned over and grabbed my bag, rifling through it to look for my math textbook. My neck burned as it turned red. I wasn’t used to feeling this anxious around anyone, but here I was stuttering and making a goddamn fool of myself. And it had to be in front of Kloe, of all people. As it was I couldn’t believe my luck that she was the one who had to witness just how much of a dumbass I was. “So, uh… you must be like some genius to be a tutor, right?” 

“The school couldn’t transfer my AP courses from last year, so they thought the extra credit would make me forget about it.” She was one of the AP kids. That made sense.

“I had to get a study block because I broke my ankle and they took me out of gym.” I was hoping she’d think I was only there because it was an extra class and not because I was a total idiot.

“Yes, I’m aware. Your point?”

I just stared for a few seconds. If she was anything, it was blunt. “Nothing, just figured you should know that.” I trailed off at the end of that statement. I don’t think it was possible to sound any dumber. “So, I thought we should start on whatever you have due next unless there’s anything specific you want me to help with?” 

By the end of the day, my arms were exhausted. Opening my locker, I had to lean my head against the frame for a few minutes to rest a little. A nap was calling my name. I actually started to doze off standing there when someone banged on the locker next to me. With a small scream, I jolted upright. 

“What’s up, Crutchie?” Derrick laughed from where he stood next to Soph. She looked like she might slap him, but the emotion quickly left her face. His eye was dark purple from the other night when Mack punched him. I’d tease him if I weren’t afraid he’d bring up why I was with her.

“Hey, Ands,” Sophie said. She gave me a quick hug, careful not to mess with my leg. “How was your day?” I smiled at her. She was the only person who ever asked me that. It was a small thing, but I always noticed.

“My leg is killing me, but I’m alive, so I guess that’s something, right?” I answered. 

“You’re so stupid, breaking your ankle on the second day of school?” I rolled my eyes. 

“It’s not like I meant to.” 

“Whatever, anyway, Liam’s throwing a party after the game this Friday and a little birdie told me he was really hoping you’d come.” Liam was a football player who thought he was hot shit for finally making the varsity team by our senior year. I guess he was good looking and Sophie basically tried to hook me up with any guy that was breathing and played a sport at our school. I just went along with it. What was I supposed to say? Hey, maybe try and scout a chick for me next time? Please. I’d be off the team and out of the loop in seconds. 

“Liam’s not my type, I don’t go for asshole football guys.” 

Derrick scoffed. “You don’t go for any guys.” Soph did smack him this time. I glared.

“Hey, I could still kick your ass, even with this busted ankle.” He rolled his eyes. My blood pounded in my ears. I wasn’t sure if it was just from anger or if there was some embarrassment in there too, but I didn’t care to think about it.

Sophie started pulling him away, always trying to avoid conflict between us. “Just, come next Friday, okay? A drink or two will make your ankle heal faster.” I didn’t know where the logic in that was, but I nodded anyway, closing my locker to start heading home.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #5 “I might just kiss you.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Five

“It’s a stable fracture, so I’m going to recommend you to an orthopedic doctor who can replace the temporary cast. I’d get an appointment as soon as one’s available if you can, it’s not good to keep it out of a cast.” 

The doctor rambled on about getting an appointment and the dangers of going without treatment while my father and I nodded along. My eyes were having trouble focusing. I kept trying to watch the x-ray slides as she put them on the screen, but the blue-tinted picture just made my head swirl. 

How could this be happening? I haven’t so much as broken a bone in my entire life, but here comes one of the most important years of my life and I break my ankle. This year was supposed to be about soccer and getting recruited and making sure my fitness levels were perfect. How am I going to get recruited with a broken ankle? 

What if it doesn’t heal right? This is something that could affect the rest of my future. I don’t have a plan that doesn’t include soccer. My life is soccer. What am I supposed to do if this means I can’t play?

Why couldn’t I have kept my thoughts under control? If I hadn’t been distracted I wouldn’t have tripped up like that. If I’d been more focused. Why can’t I just stay focused? Last year, I was perfect, my only focus was the game and the team. Then this summer came and… 

My mind jumped to the first day I had been planning on practicing over the summer. My schedule was only until two in the afternoon, leaving plenty of time to head home and play outback. A head full of short, brown hair and a grin that made my stomach flip in an uncomfortable way stopped me as I left the shop. She asked me if I wanted to hang out on the beach and that smile made me lose all of my thoughts. 

Growing up near the beach made the novelty of it wear off quickly, so by high school, I rarely went unless there was a party. But something about her excitement or the look in her eyes, like she could see right through me, got to me. We stayed out there for hours. Lazing on the sand and splashing our feet around in the shallows. I told her about growing up in Riverside and she went on and on about living in some backwater town in Northern Oregon. 

By the time my father was messaging to ask if I'd be home soon, soccer had slipped my mind completely. The next day, instead of thinking about how long I could practice after I got home from work, I packed a bathing suit and a towel, just in case. I’d never given up soccer so easily. If anything came between me and the sport, I always put up a fight. But there was something about her that took all of my attention in a matter of seconds. My focus took a toll when I met her. 

“So, how long until she can be back on the field?” My father asked, bringing me crashing back to the present. Back to this nightmare. The doctor had soft, tired eyes, which was understandable being an ER doctor. I looked down at her name tage. Dr. Ortiz.

“She’s going to have to be off of the ankle completely for two months, that’s when the cast can come off. After that, I’d suggest physical therapy for a few more months until your therapist gives the go-ahead for strenuous activity.” 

“What can she do in the meantime, for soccer practice? She’s got scholarships to uphold.” I could tell he was annoying the poor woman. Her eyes seemed to be even more tired every minute and cold as she stared at my father.

“Well, you would have to talk to the orthopedic specialist about that specifically, because all I can tell you is that if she pushes it too far before it heals, she could be out of commission for a few years or worse.” My heart dropped to the table underneath me. The panic was rising in me, my fingers tapping on the table and my breath getting shallow. Dr. Ortiz glanced at me and her eyes lost all the frost they’d been holding in them. “But as long as you follow the directions the ortho specialist gives you, you’ll be fine. This is a minor injury, it could’ve been a lot worse.” 

She was trying to make me feel better about it and I appreciated the effort, but it was all I could do to keep from tearing up right there. I knew my father wouldn’t be happy if I started crying. We don’t show weakness like that. As it was, my father already looked pissed as hell. His face was stoic and his arms were crossed. He was not happy.

“Now, I’m going to put a temporary cast on for now and we’re going to get you some crutches, but you have to promise me you’re going to be making an appointment with a specialist immediately, okay?” She gave me a smile. I noticed she wasn’t talking to my father anymore, just me. Under different circumstances, I would’ve found it funny. I nodded, trying to calm down my mind. She walked over to the cabinets across the room and pulled out whatever she would need for a temporary cast.

Glancing around the room, I tried to focus on any of the simple everyday things. The white walls, the tile floor, the plastic chair in the corner. Anything to hold onto so my mind would stop drifting. My father huffed a bit and muttered something about needing to use the bathroom as he left the room. I took a deep breath and cleared my head, relaxing my shoulders and arms. It was surprising that he hadn’t yelled at me yet. An injury this close to the season? He’s probably worried sick that I’ll lose my chance at recruitment. And he doesn’t even know about my academics yet. 

“How are you holding up right now?” Dr. Ortiz asked. She walked in front of me to start wrapping my ankle.

“I’m fine,” I replied, paying attention to her hands as they gently wrapped the gauze around the swollen appendage. 

“Sometimes parents show their concern in odd ways, but almost always they only want what’s best for their children.” Yeah, he wants me to get my shit together and make it into a university on a soccer scholarship. 

“I know.” 

“You’re gonna be fine, you’re healthy, young, and smart, this is going to heal in no time.” God, I hope so. 

I nodded. 

“Want to tell me how it happened?” 

I had told the simple version when we got there and my dad showed up. That I had an accident at practice. I didn’t want to own up to him that I’d been that distracted and actually tripped, he’d never get off my back about controlling my footwork and keeping my head out of the clouds. It didn’t really matter if I told Dr. Ortiz though, it wasn’t like she’d scold me on proper gameplay. 

“I was playing against a friend of mine, we’re both pretty good so it’s a killer match up when we’re on opposite teams. I had a lot on my mind and she tried to steal the ball and I tripped up, landed on my ankle instead. It was a stupid move.” She smiled at my comment, still looking down at my ankle. “I know, I know, I’m supposed to think about how everyone makes mistakes and all that.”

“I wasn’t going to say that. I have a daughter who plays soccer and it sounds like you pulled a dumb move there.” I guess I was wrong about her not scolding me. 

“You have a daughter who plays?” There weren’t that many schools around here if her daughter played, I probably knew her, even if she was JV. 

“I do, she goes to Staghorn.” 

“Oh, they almost beat us for regionals last year.” She was nodding along, but I wasn't sure if she was actually paying attention or not. “They might this year if I don’t figure this out.” I lifted my ankle a bit to emphasize my point and winced as it shot with pain. Dr. Ortiz 

“Listen, Darling,” she looked me in the eyes and continued, “they’re going to beat you either way because my daughter’s on that team.” I laughed, rolling my eyes. I guess all soccer parents are the same because my dad would’ve said the same thing. 

Darian nearly crushed me in a hug as we made it out to the waiting room. I tried to hug her back, but the crutches under my arms got in the way.

“Careful, you idiot,” I commented, but the sting was softened by the laugh that followed. I watched my father walk towards the door, but I figured he could wait for me for a few minutes. She looked up at me and I’d never seen her look as scared as she did at that moment. 

“What did the doctor say?” She asked, stepping out of my personal space. 

“It’s gonna take some time and some rehab, but there’s a good chance I’ll be back on the field by the time the season starts,” I replied, giving her a weak smile. She sighed dramatically, pretending to wipe sweat from her brow.

“Oh, thank God! I might just kiss you, I am so happy you’re gonna be okay.” She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around me again, dropping her forehead to rest on my shoulder. 

“That’s barring any further complications, that is, so if you knock  me over with your damn hugs, it might make it worse.” She backed off, rolling her eyes and sticking her tongue out at me like a child. “Very mature.” I started limping my way to the door with Darian following beside me. 

“It’s what I’m known for.” 

“You know, you’re gonna have to keep the team in check while I’m out of commission.”

“Shit, we’re gonna be so bad by the time you get back if you trust me with that.”

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #4 “I know you didn’t ask for this.”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Four

The field was bright and welcoming under the afternoon sun. I breathed in the fresh scent of cut grass, feeling the restless energy tingling in my feet and my legs. It had been too long since I’d been on a field- since I’d even played. Even when I’d spend days at summer school, I would go home and practice for hours. This summer was the first that soccer became less of a priority than it has been for the past half of my life. The first time in a while that I let something else be important to me. 

Nonetheless, it was refreshing to be back. Not all of my teammates were stoked over the idea of extra practice, so I didn't make it mandatory. At least five of the girls still met me after school ready to run drills anyway. These were my favorite teammates. Not just because they showed up today. They're always here, always committed, just as much as I am. They're the ones who have the sport running through their veins and are ready to throw everything they've got towards it. At least three of them have been on the team since freshman year with me, so at this point, we're basically family. 

Darian dropped the mesh bag of soccer balls that she had picked up from the equipment room in front of me. Her face split into a grin and she breathed in dramatically. 

"God, I missed the sweet smell of sweat and dirt," she said, stepping over to drape her arm across my shoulders. "It has been too long, Andy, too long." I scoff.

"You say that every year, D," Kim commented as she picked up a ball and started juggling it with her knees. The rest of the girls shuffled forward, making odd comments about not having practiced for most of the summer. 

"Andy's probably laughing at all of us, doesn't she always practice twenty-four-seven over the break?" Liv asked, bumping me in the shoulder with her own. I smiled, rubbing the back of my neck. Before I could correct her, Kim jumped in. 

“Not just over the break, please, she practices morning noon night every day of the year. Why else do you think she’s so damn good?” 

“Cause it runs in her family,” Hailey said. 

With a laugh under my breath, I stepped in, “Actually, I haven’t practiced much since last school year. You know, took a summer off before the big year.” Sure, that wasn’t my intention. I had planned to practice at least three times a week for the last three months. I just got a little distracted and never seemed to get around to it. But this explanation sounds better. 

“Wow, the King here hasn’t been practicing? Did the world stop turning and I didn’t notice?” Hailey snickered. Tanya, who was standing behind her, smiled a bit but stayed quiet.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, let’s just get to work.” I rolled my eyes and picked up a ball. 

We ran drills for about an hour before taking a break in the only shade on the field, underneath the bleachers. There were a few wooden crates that some seniors from a couple of years back had dragged under there and we rested around them. The sun peaked through a few breaks in the metal, enough to give us some patches of light. The wind blew aimlessly through some trees surrounding the field, making the leaves shimmer. 

I sat on one of the crates with Darian leaning against it between my legs. She rested her head on my thigh and every once in awhile I’d drag my hand subconsciously through her hair. I wanted to try to french braid it, but I hadn’t done that in years so I wasn’t sure if I remembered. 

Across the makeshift circle, Hailey sat with Liv, mirroring our stance. They were laughing over some stupid stories from their summer. Hailey glanced over at me and gave me this exciting look. 

“Dude, we should have a team night at someone’s house and have a movie marathon,” she suggested. As much as I loved the idea of hanging out with the team, when I heard her mention a movie night, I tensed. Absently, I kept a smile on my face and nodded. My mind tried to drift back again, but I wouldn’t let it this time. Not here. God, definitely not here. 

“Totally, we need to get together more, I mean for most of us this is our last year,” Darian said. I nodded again like I was some bobblehead just following along. 

Liv leaned over and punched Tanya lightly in the arm. “Yeah, then we’ve gotta leave the team to you kids.” 

“God, next year’s gonna be so weird, like you guys are my hookup to all the good parties,” Kim mentioned. I glanced over at Tanya, who’d barely said three words today.

“Speaking of,” I jumped in, “why hasn’t anyone informed me that T didn’t go to a single party last year?” She looked up, her eyes widening at first and then calming down, a blush creeping onto her face. 

“What?” Hailey looked down at the younger girl. “I swear I invited you out.” 

“You did, don’t worry, parties just aren’t my thing,” Tanya commented, looking down at the dirt underneath her. 

“How can parties not be your thing, they’re like everybody’s thing?” Liv laughed. 

“Honestly, like there’s so much to do and most of the time, you get free booze,” Darian said. 

Tanya rolled her eyes, “I’d just rather spend my time hanging out with a couple of friends or the team than stand around some crowded house with a bunch of drunk guys.” She wrung her wrists between her fingers. “Plus, I don’t drink, so…”

“Wait, you don’t drink? Drinking is like the best part of high school, plus what are you gonna do when you go to college?” Kim asked.

“I don’t know, maybe focus on school. Hang out with friends?” Tanya’s face was getting pink from the attention being on her for so long. I felt kind of bad for throwing her to the wolves like that, but she was part of the team, she should be comfortable talking to us.

“Okay, you have to get drunk at these parties, once you get drunk, all the guys around here actually start looking cute,” Darian mentioned, drinking some water from her bottle. I chuckled along with the other girls, I’d never found any of the guys around town cute, but I also chalked that up to this town is full of ugly guys. College would probably be different. Tanya laughed, looking back at the ground again.

Looking at my phone, I figured now would be a good time to save T from further interrogation. “Come on, guys, let’s get back out there.” Darian didn’t start moving, so I stood up and let her head fall back and bang on the crate. She cursed at me as I walked away snickering. The girls followed me, all of us a bit slow from our bones settling into the rest. 

Just as we reached the field again, I heard someone calling my name. Turning around, I found Coach Faye approaching the field, holding her hand above her eyes to block the sun. She waved me over with her free hand and started walking to the entrance to the gym, where her office was. 

“Hey, I gotta go talk to Coach, take over for me?” I asked Darian. She nodded and I jogged to catch up with the woman. 

When we reached her office, Coach had me sit down in the seat across from her desk. I’d been in her office many times, to discuss the team tryouts and plan events and even just to talk. The first time I’d been in there was when she asked me to be team captain for the first year. The room felt warm and welcoming. There were trophies and award plaques littering the walls and surfaces and team pictures dating back to the 70s. Everything was familiar. The only thing that looked any different was Coach’s face. She had a look that was something between a grimace and a stern face. It made me nervous.

“Andy, how have you been?” She asked. Her face softened, but not enough to make the tension in my shoulders lessen.

“Pretty good, I wanted to make sure and have some extra practice before the season, make sure we were all up to par,” I explained, thinking maybe Darian forgot to ask her if we could use the field and the training balls. 

“Good, that’s good.” She nodded. “Listen, Andy, I know in the past you’ve had a bit of an issue with keeping up your academic life.” She shifted some papers around on her desk as if this was hard for her to talk about. I stayed silent, letting her finish her speech and get to the point. “And I know you put in a lot of effort last year to do so.” She had a habit of breaking up her lectures and taking pauses every few words. I don’t know if it was something they teach you in education courses or what, but I did know it was annoying. “I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m worried for you this year. With this being a very important season coming up, one that could decide your future, I just want to make sure that there won’t be any bumps in the road by the time we get to start practices.” Coach tipped her head towards me, which meant she was ready for me to reply.

“You mean my grades? Because I’ve never dropped below a 2.0, I swear.” I might not be the brightest kid, but I knew enough to make sure I could stay on the team. 

“Yes, but I don’t think you’re considering that recruiters look at those grades as well. The athletic world is going through some changes since I went to college. They want strong and smart players, and not just on the field. I just want to make sure that you get every opportunity possible.” 

My mind was trying to catch up with this new information. I mean, yeah, I knew that grades were a factor, they always are. I just didn’t know they’d be that big of a deal. I always assumed that I had the skill to not worry about the technical stuff. I mean, my performance has always spoken for itself. I’m the first sophomore in this county to beat out all of the upperclassmen for team captain. And I defended that position for almost three years now. I’ve led the team to nationals two years running and I’m planning on making it there again. My achievements should have been able to get me into the best soccer programs in the country. But now that could be for nothing because of some stupid math and science grades? 

“I thought I was doing good?” My voice felt weak. I was trying to stop my head from spinning because this should be something I could calm down and deal with. If Darian were in this position, she’d be fine. She was always more level headed than me, that’s why we made such a good team on the field.

“Your performance on the team has been extraordinary and I’m sure it will continue to be this year. I just can’t be sure that it will carry you where you want to go unless you bring up your grades.”

“How am I supposed to do that? I busted my ass last year trying to boost my grades and I still just barely scraped by.” I was getting annoyed. My fingers started tapping on the arm of the chair. I tried taking a deep breath, but it just came out shakey. 

“Well, there are a few options, but I think the best, for now, would be to sign you up for the tutoring program we have on campus.” My eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“We have a tutoring program?” Coach nodded, already clicking away on her computer.

“I can sign you up and get your meeting time and one of the tutors can sit down with you and give you someone on one help with your work. Sometimes a change of teaching style or simply a peer teacher can help you learn the information easier.” I wasn’t following everything she was saying, but I nodded along anyway. Whatever was easier I’d take, I didn’t need this to fuck up everything I’ve worked for. “There, you’re signed up, you’ll be getting an email to confirm and set up a time that would work for you and your tutor.” Coach stood up, so I did the same. My legs felt wobbly, but I tried to ignore it. 

“Thank you,” I mumbled. I was trying not to look as shaken as I felt, but I knew it wasn’t working. Coach looked down at me and smiled, her eyes soft. 

“Andy, I know you’re going to do great. Don’t let this worry you, you’re going to be fine. Your mother had the same mindset as you, who needs academics when the sport comes so easy.” Coach Faye had been coaching for decades. She coached my mom in her high school years. She was the one who pushed her towards professional soccer. Once I got to high school, she took me under her wing in a sense, since my mom hadn’t been there. It usually just made me feel like I was standing in shoes I’d never be able to fill, though. “I know you didn’t ask for this, sweetheart,” she said, lifting her hand to squeeze my shoulder. 

My head was still spinning a bit and I didn’t trust my voice, so I just nodded. She let me out of her office to go back and practice. The air outside hit my lungs and I immediately felt just a bit calmer. That room had started feeling suffocating, so the fresh air helped. 

When I reached the field, the girls were shooting penalties. I smiled at Darian filling in as goalie since ours was absent. For a second, I stayed on the sidelines and just watched. This team had been my pride and joy for three years. Every minute was spent thinking about the team and our strategies and our games. After this summer, I was already finding it hard to get my head back in the game for once. Now, this. It was like the universe was trying to make it as hard as possible for me to stay focused. 

Kim scored and I could hear Darian’s curse from where I was standing. As the younger player jumped around in celebration, she caught sight of me and yelled my names, waving me over enthusiastically. I smiled and shook my head, jogging over to them. 

“Hey, King, what’d Coach have to say?” Darian asked, carrying the ball over to the group of us. 

As soon as I opened my mouth, I knew I didn’t want to tell them. I was the captain, I was supposed to have my shit together. I didn’t want to let them know that I was such a dumbass in class. “Just went over some scheduling stuff.” I smiled, but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes. I could feel Darian staring at me, she knew I was lying. Before she could call me out, though, I said, “Hey, let’s play a little two on two, yeah?” 

We decided that being the only lower classmen present, Kim and Tanya would be goalies. Darian and I called each other as teammates, but the rest of the girls agreed that wouldn’t be a fair competition, so we split up. Tanya, Liv, and I made up one team, with Darian, Hailey, and Kim against us. 

As soon as we started, Darian and I turned it into an all-out war between the two of us. We’d always been competitive on the team, being rivals in freshman year and having friendly games ever since. As soon as one of us had the ball, the other would block her. Liv had the ball for a few seconds and my mind came back to my tutoring situation. I’d never had a tutor before, but I always thought of it as a stupid arrangement. I’ll just get another kid who’s super smart to come in and tell me how stupid I am. I wasn’t looking forward to it. 

Liv passed the ball to me and I took off with it when Darian blocked me and we faced off for a few seconds, she commented, “You look like your head is in the clouds, what’s up?” I didn’t answer her, instead, I took off around her towards the goal. Just as I was about to shoot, she came up beside me and stole the ball. In the process, I overestimated a step and stumbled onto my ankle. 

I went down hard, feeling pain shooting up through my leg and back down to simmer where my foot met my calf. A strangled yelp left my lips as I rolled to my back. My eyesight was rimmed with white, hot pain. It felt like my ankle was on fire. Darian reached me first, kneeling down to grab my hand and check on me. 

“Go get Coach Faye,” she yelled to one of the girls. I couldn’t tell which one, I wasn’t looking too far past my ankle. Darian squeezed my hand and I found her eyes. She was murmuring something to me, probably trying to comfort me. All I could focus on was the pain shooting from my foot and her voice somehow making its way into my ear.

[c-j-writes]

Fictober 2019

Prompt #3 “Now? Now you listen to me?”

[Untitled Gay Mess]

Rating: T

Warnings/Tags: Will involve drug abuse in later chapters

Chapter Three

The alarm on my phone blares right next to me the next morning. My hand lifts to snooze the damn thing and I roll over to sink back into the warm bed. When I roll over though, my arm bumps into a lump in the bed beside me. I drag my eyes open just slightly enough to make out the mass of blonde hair in front of my face. I’m fully going to blame it on being close to unconsciousness at the moment, but when I realized where I was, I sunk into the pillow and wrapped my arm around Soph’s torso. 

Her breathing moved my arm up and down rhythmically and I felt myself nearing sleep again. The warmth that radiated from the blankets and Sophie made me feel more than comfortable. Not really thinking about it, I pulled closer to her and rested my head on her shoulder. I could live like this. It was so warm and cozy and comfortable and I didn’t have to worry about anything at that moment. 

Then the moment was over. My late alarm started bleeping and Soph’s regular alarm went off too. Doing my best to stay still and pretend I was asleep, I ignored them for a few seconds. Sophie stirred next to me and I cursed the universe for making today a school day. The blonde groaned and swatted at the table on her left, trying to find her phone and shut it up. With some mumbled curses and more banging, she finally turned it off and then groaned again when she found that my phone was making noise as well. 

“Ands, as touching as this show of emotion is, we’ve got to get up,” she mumbles. Something in her tone whips me right back to reality. I lean over and end the assault on our ears, shifting to stand up out of the bed. The cold aches to my bones in comparison to the warmth I’d been surrounded in. But I make myself keep moving and trudge over to the set of drawers where I know some of my clothes are hidden in. 

Soph and I had been friends since middle school. We’d had more sleepovers than I could think of counting.  Naturally, we’d both accumulated drawers and closet space in each other’s rooms. Sometimes it felt like Soph actually took over more space in my room than I did. It made these impromptu sleepovers easier to manage. 

From her bed, Soph was still fighting sleep and trying to untangle her limbs from the blanket with as little effort as possible. While she was still struggling to move, I found an outfit and slipped across the hall to the bathroom. Sure, I’ve changed in front of Soph before, but I’ve always felt the least bit of awkwardness in my gut when I did. It was just more comfortable to change in the bathroom instead. 

When I stepped back into the room, having washed the sleep out of my face, I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of Sophie still dozing on the bed. 

“Soph, you’re the one who said we had to get up,” I commented, pulling at the blankets surrounding her. She groaned, covering her eyes with her arm. “Don’t make me drag you, it’s too early for that.” 

“Like you wouldn’t love it.” The comment made me drop the blanket from my hands. I stepped back, absently watching as she finally sat up and turned to get out of the bed. She moved around the room, getting ready for the day without a care in the world. But I felt like I couldn’t move. 

She’d made comments like that before. Jokes about how I was always around girls and how I acted more like a guy sometimes. She’d even cracked up when she thought about the fact that I’ve only ever had one boyfriend back in middle school and it lasted less than a month. I was used to it. I always laughed along because they were just jokes. But the way she said it, something about the tone or the setting or the timing… something. All I could think about was one of the mornings I woke up after spending the night with Mack. 

She had basically forced me into agreeing to a movie night. Her parents had been away somewhere, maybe a trip or just an evening out, I don’t remember if I even asked. Neither of us meant to fall asleep, she was supposed to drive me home before midnight. Instead, I woke up to soft snores and a hundred angry messages from my father. After he forgave me for scaring him shitless, Mack made it a mission of hers to have movie nights every week. My father never cared where I went, as long as I told him whether or not I’d be home. 

The memories of those mornings were something I’ve been trying to push as far out of my mind as I could. They were supposed to stay in the world of summer and not mix in with the world of school. The world of sports and friends and teammates and everything my normal life consists of. But here I was, thinking about the fairy lights that hang off of her windows and the posters that are tacked on her ceiling. I tried to think of how annoyingly persistent she’s been, but all I could remember was the smile that would light up the room when she opened her eyes. 

“Earth to Andy,” Sophie said, throwing a pillow from her bed at me. I shook my head, bringing myself back to the room I was in. “Now? Now you listen to me?” She rolls her eyes at me and finishes making her bed. “Where did you go?” I pulled my lips into a smile and laughed.

“Nowhere, just tired. It’s too fucking early.” 

“God, you’re not wrong.” I could tell from her voice that she was very hungover. Soph leads the way out of her room and downstairs. Her father is still asleep, as usual, but her mother smiles at us as we hit the kitchen. Her mom is one of those moms that doesn’t have a job so she takes her role as a stay at home wife way too seriously. She always has breakfast ready when Soph wakes up and keeps the pantries stocked full for whenever anyone visiting wants a snack. My mom was never like that, but I didn’t mind. 

“Good morning, girls,” Soph’s mom chirped, taking a tray of bagels out of the oven and setting them on the counter for us to take from. 

“Morning, Mrs. D,” I replied. Sophie poured herself a fresh cup of coffee as I grabbed a bagel and started spreading cream cheese on it. 

“How was your first day yesterday?” Sophie kept quiet, paying more attention to her drink and her phone.

“It was good, I’m glad to be getting back to the routine of it, you know?” Mrs. Drake hummed, continuing to smile as she rounded the kitchen and made sure all the surfaces were spotless. “I’m probably going to get the team together to practice some drills after school since it’s been a while since our last practice.” 

“Oh, are you excited for the season this year, sweetheart?” 

“Yeah, we’ve still got a few months and everything, but I’m really excited. There’s going to be a lot of recruiters around and everything, so yeah.” Soph grabbed my arm then and started dragging me to the door. 

“Alright, enough bonding, we have to get to school, Mom.” I waved to Mrs. Drake as we left the house. 

“Alright, I hope you two have a good day!” Sophie rolled her eyes, but I smiled. One of my favorite parts of being over at Soph’s house was how nice her mom was. It was hilarious how such a sarcastic and snappy human could come from someone so sweet and chipper.

Sophie chugged her coffee on our way to the car, almost finishing it by the time we climbed in. “We’re going to need to hit Starbucks on our way,” she muttered as she jammed the key in the ignition. 

It isn’t until I’m staring into my locker before the first period that I notice the absence of my bookbag. There are only a few minutes until the bell, so I shrug it off and close my locker. Sophie had already taken off to her class, wanting to sit down in hopes that her head would stop throbbing. She almost killed us multiple times on the way to school. Her driving scared me normally, but while she was hungover? We were definitely lucky to be alive.

I still had a good amount of time before class, so I walked down the hall slowly, not overly eager to get to math class. The hallways weren’t too crowded, which was surprising for it being the second day. Usually, they wouldn’t calm down until a month in or so. It was nice walking down the hall without having to worry about the congestion though. 

There was a tap on my shoulder as I was about to round the corner to the math and science hall. Before I could turn to see who it was, the brunette walked up in front of me and gave me a smile. 

“Hey, Andrea.” If I’m being honest, I debated ignoring her. After this morning, I didn’t even want to look at her. 

“It’s Andy,” I replied. She looked around the hallway and her smile faded just a bit. 

“How’s your friend?” It takes me a second to remember the exact events of the previous night. The party. Sophie being drunk off her ass. The car ride. I clear my throat.

“She’s fine, she doesn’t need you checking up on her.” Mack nodded, the smile getting the least bit brighter. 

“And how are you, Andrea?”

“Andy.” I watch her, trying to will her to stop calling me that. “Why wouldn’t I be fine?” 

“You just seemed a bit jumpy last night, wanted to make sure everything was alright.”

“Well, it’s fine,” I snapped, picking up my pace to leave her behind me. “And I don’t need you checking up on me either.” I heard her footsteps stop where I left her, but tried not to think about it. That’s not something I needed to be thinking about.