caberster-blog

[caberster-blog]

Dream On

I've been having more and more restless nights and vivid dreams.

I experience happiness, adventure and youth in them, and they bring me back to a previous time.

But alas, I wake up and I'm still in my bed, still with Lucas on one shoulder and Nemo on the other.

I've been dreaming of the people I've been scared of losing or have already lost and that hurts.

Everything lately has been such a chore. Even just doing basic things like showering.

I don't know where this ramble or rant is going. I'm ending it

[caberster-blog]

Dream On

I've been having more and more restless nights and vivid dreams.

I experience happiness, adventure and youth in them, and they bring me back to a previous time.

But alas, I wake up and I'm still in my bed, still with Lucas on one shoulder and Nemo on the other.

I've been dreaming of the people I've been scared of losing or have already lost and that hurts.

Everything lately has been such a chore. Even just doing basic things like showering.

I don't know where this ramble or rant is going. I'm ending it

[caberster-blog]

3:01pm, on a Monday

At this point I'm not even sure if I'm suicidal, or just morbid.

I think about my death all the time. The intentional bringing of it. But I don't feel like acting upon it often.

Same thing with all my issues. I'm not sure if they're real or if I'm just sickeningly playing some role in my mind that acts like I'm not okay.

That's Lucas talking. I don't know what Nemo says about it, but I imagine he would embrace anything that keeps him on top.

Lucas is evil. Honestly. He's not depressed, he's not weak, he makes ME those things. He's a predator.

And I guess Nemo is just mania. It's no regard for anyone. It's not even being affected by things like empathy and sympathy.

They're growing stronger by the day and I'm scared to see the outcome.

[caberster-blog]

Struggler

Things have been looking not-so-good in my headspace currently.

I've been feeling more and more pressure from Lucas* to give into his words and thoughts. He's saying things like I should really just give up and cut off ties from everyone.

Lucas's hold over me, however, is that sometimes he's right. Either that or he manipulates me into thinking he's right. But he makes good points.

One friend definitely doesn't need some poser wannabe** that isn't going through anything but a world of hurt made up in his own head, and the other I think realizes I'm temporary.

He would be harder, but once college comes around he'll be so busy he won't even have time to think.

That's what I'm surviving towards; college. I want isolation so I don't spread and if I die or break by myself at least it'll be contained. I always wonder if it's Nemo*** or Lucas that'll take control.

I've been feeling Lucas pressure me more and more, but I can't tell happiness from Nemo. It's worrying that I can't genuinely tell mania from happiness at this point.

I had a dream with happiness in it though.

I think my true self, Caleb Hardy, is retreating back to my dreams and letting Lucas and Nemo fight over my body and honestly what's the point in letting it stop.

As long as I did my duty in helping my friends grow who really cares what I do?

It's the end of an Era for Caleb, and when it all comes falling down at least I won't bring anyone down with me.

I'll see y'all next time, whoever you are.

*(I've decided if I name my mental illness maybe it'll be easier to defeat. Lucas Medi, an anagram for Sui Cladem, Latin for Self Defeat; or so Google translate says)

**(At least Lucas says so. Either I'm just insanely edgy and delusional to the point im making up fake people for my "supposed" mental illness or this is getting worse and I am not okay)

***(This is the same, except for instead of my depression it represents Mania, and is a bit more rare I think. The full name is Nemo Foraxi, an anagram for Ferox Naimo, or Wild Brain in Latin also)

[caberster-blog]

What Lies Within.

If I had to describe it, it would be another me.

But a virus. Or a parasite.

And it knows me so well that it knows exactly how to stop myself from help.

It's made of doubts and fear, complacency and anger, and it lives to see the end of me.

I feel like anytime something occurs, it tells me it's my fault, or that I deserve it.

It's smart enough to make me realize and know it's all my fault.

Is it wrong? Is it me? In my moments of clarity it's obviously an unhealthy force.

But when things are worse (maybe more clear) the more I see it as the truth. Something past the positive enforcement and lies I tell myself.

It's so hard to fight something you have no idea how to distinguish.

It's there, but where does it end?

What part of me consists of such a demon?

It's drowning me, and making me deserve it. I don't know what to do.

Every action is a battle between what exists in the happiness and what lurks in the depression.

[caberster-blog]

Yeah yeah

But I don't get what makes me individual or special or anything of importance.

At the most I'm just shitty artist and shitty writer.

At the least I'm some ugly motherfucker with depression and violent tendencies upon myself so what about that is anything noteworthy?

[caberster-blog]

With the season change creeping ever so slowly, and the sun making it's annual debut as a sign of change, it's important to reflect upon your feelings, and what they herald for the next few months.

I've been experiencing a new low, if I'm honest.

(But then again, is it a new low if every low is a new one? It's almost like I'm at my high score, and every point above it is my new one. It'll only end when it ends I suppose.)

And with prom season coming up, and me still hopelessly single and hopelessly unromantic, it's bringing about a lot of feelings unwanted but probably deserved.

I've been thinking more and more about prom, and the idea of it is less and less appealing.

I thought this post was going to be longer, but the depression wave just slammed me into the sea wall and I think I need my time now.

[caberster-blog]

Tuesday, February 27th

Confidence and confidants, lately I've been losing both/

The feelings of anxiety and I've been losing hope.

Struggle bars and crashed cars, I'm feeling post traumatic stress/

Now and then I feel like I'm the only one not blessed.

-

Panic stops my heart as the moment suddenly kicks in/

Am I evil or malevolent, and will I ever pay my sin?

Every line is a call for help, every title is SOS/

I never learned to ask for help, but I'm a man in distress.

Uncertainty and instability, enough to make me shout/

But I throw my hands against hard things just to get them out.

I'm dysfunctional and disgusting, I'm a broken freak/

Internal struggles with my mind, fear makes my knees weak.

Who do I get to call to just to speak my mind?/

Who deserves to deal with such irrelevant thoughts as mine?.

Sentenced to inability, sentenced to self doubt/

I'm serving life in my mind, and there's no way out.