caged-monsterrs

[caged-monsterrs]

Changing Tides In Shades of Gray

We’re not fighting anymore and that's great, I’m happy to finally have my sister back, but there's definitely been a shift. I don't see her in the same way now. She's not my person anymore. I don’t have that same level of trust for her that I did before the feud started. I love her still, and I still want to be there for her if she needs me, but I don't think, if I was struggling really bad again, that I'd go to her. Since that day she told me I was taking up too many of her spoons there's just a disconnect now. I know that part of it was that she was in her own mental struggle and needed to realize it and get her meds checked and everything but... I don't know. I just can't get past that, and a part of me is always going to wonder how much if it was just needing a med adjustment and how much if it was actually true. So I don't think I can ever fully trust her to lean on her like I did before. Once upon a time she was my person, my go-to, my number one. Now, I don't know where she falls. I feel guilty at the same time because she's my sister and how fair is any of this? But also she isn't leaning on me, so... I don't know. Nothing is black and white, I see so many shade of gray in life. I've never been the one who's wanted to lean on anyone, I've always been the one who's wanted to be there for everyone else. I've learned that isn't healthy for me, so I've started being better about leaning on my support system. At the beginning maybe I overused Britney and I just burned her out. I don't know. She's not great at communicating so I don't know exactly what she's thinking at any given time about anything. But that's my best guess. So I overused her and burned her out, and she said things she half meant and half only said because she was going through stuff herself and needed time to figure it out and get her meds adjusted. But everything lead to this point and even though we made up and our friendship and sisterhood has come back together, I just don't trust her in the same way I did before. And I don't know how I feel about that.

[caged-monsterrs]

When I see someone that I love struggling in their own darkness, it's hard not to want to throw everything I have into trying to save them. I love everyone so hard, so fiercely, I just want to fix everyone. But how do you fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, or who doesn't want your help and fixing themselves? How do I sit back and allow them to navigate the darkness themselves? I always want to be there with a lantern, or a flashlight. I want to guide them back to safety. I don't know how to loosen my grip. I don't know how to back off, how to sit on the sidelines, how to be a cheerleader and not the team leader. I think my problem is that my heart is too full of love, But my bones are too full of horror stories. I know what it's like to climb back up from the pits of hell all alone. When someone that I love feels the need to do that on their own I just want to wrap my arms around them so tightly and never let them go. But I need to let them go. I need to learn that some people just need to do things on their own. Some people are OK navigating through the shadows on their own. Everyone knows themselves the best, and when they need a helping hand and when they don’t. I have to trust that if they need me, they will reach. As long as they know that I will be here with a hand ready to reach back, I have to be OK with that. I’m trying to learn how to be OK with that.

[caged-monsterrs]

[caged-monsterrs]

You keep proving time and time again that we aren’t even friends, we’re purely two people who just happen to share an apartment. So now my boundaries are going to come in to play. I’m not going to do things for you anymore, aside from taking care of the dog and honestly you’re lucky you have me for that because if you lived alone you’d probably have to give him up because you honestly have zero time for him. You don’t really act like you give two shits about him anyway. But that’s beside the point. I’m no longer your personal maid. You can do your dishes. I don’t care how long they sit in the sink, I don’t care if they start attracting bugs. You need to learn to take care of your shit. It takes less than 30 seconds to rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher. Instead you stack them daily in the dishwasher. I don’t know if it just laziness or in hopes that I’ll get sick of looking at them and just do them myself. Either way, you’re going to have to do them. And I’m not doing your laundry either. I think you’ve figured that one out. I know you don’t have much time to do it during the day so 3 am is basically your only “laundry time” but it’s kind of rude to at least not close my door since it’s RIGHT THERE and those machines are loud and you know I can’t sleep for shit to begin with. And this is why I say we’re not friends. There’s no consideration about my feelings anywhere, anytime at all. Big things or little things. You don’t care that my mental health is in the toilet, you haven’t shown one ounce of care or concern for me but M or K are struggling and going through a crisis and you’ll stay up all night talking to them and making sure they’re okay. And it hurt at first, it really stung. But the more that happens, and the longer that it goes on, I don’t even care so we’ll just be roommates. We’re just two people who happen to live together. We’re not friends we’re not sisters. That’s fine. You don’t respect me and I won’t respect you. i’m done carrying the weight of our entire friendship, and the baggage of trying to fix everything when you don’t care at all. So it’s fine. Don’t care. Because I don’t either anymore.

[caged-monsterrs]

I’m playing a game of tug-of-war with myself, so no matter what I always lose. I always end up face down in the mud. Tug too hard one way you fall and scrape your knees. Tug too much the other way and you fall backwards and hit your head. I can’t find a happy medium. I can’t find a place to just exist. I’m always at war. The battle never ends. If it’s not the depression, it’s the anxiety. If it’s not the anxiety, it’s the borderline and overwhelming the fear of losing everyone I love. If it’s not one thing it’s another. There is not peace in times of war and it’s always war inside of me. I have known bloodshed and loss, I have known tragedy without stepping foot on foreign land. Or maybe I am the foreign land. I’ve never known what to do when I’m alone with myself. I am a stranger in my own body. I duck around every corner, waiting for enemy fire. But wouldn’t the enemy just be me? I’d just be firing at myself. Which seems poetic, but tragic. Poetic tragedy, if I may. It all comes back to the tug-of-war. It’s just a game I’m playing against myself. It’s just a war I’m waging against myself.

[caged-monsterrs]

It’s so hard and it makes me anxious to set just one firm boundary. I want to take it all back. Just kidding, nevermind, what boundary? I know I can’t do that, I can’t back down, I have to stand firm, but I have this anxious ache in my chest. My stomach hurts. I’m feeling triggered. I kind of want someone to come in and hide my blades on me. But I think that might trigger me more. Stuck between a stomach ache and a hard place.

[caged-monsterrs]

I’m learning how to set boundaries. I’ve never been any good at it. My boundaries have always been more like dotted lines drawn in sand. Easy to slip through the gaps, easily washed away by waves or a strong wind. I’m afraid of losing the people that I love so I’ve never held firm on my boundaries. But after hearing from family, friends, and strangers how I need to set boundaries for my own mental health, I’m at least going to try to start setting them; and this time they’re going to set firmly in concrete. I can’t keep sacrificing myself in exchange for everyone else’s happiness. I can’t keep giving everyone else everything they want and putting myself in last place, it only ever spells disaster for me. So the lines have been set. Take them or leave them. Like them or not. If I lose you, I guess you weren’t meant to be here, I wish you the best on your journey, but you no longer have a seat at my table.

It might take every ounce of effort in me to keep these boundaries intact, but I’m going to try. I deserve to be happy and feel safe in my own skin too.

[caged-monsterrs]

B-

I appreciate your apology. It means a lot that you recognize your behavior and can own up to it. But I hope now we can sit down and really talk about things without it exploding. I hope we can really hear each other. Because an apology only goes so far. You really hurt me, and an apology helps, but it doesn’t make everything all better. It doesn’t mean that all that hurt just dissipates now.

We need to find a line between us where I can still rely on my best friend and my sister without feeling like I need to make myself smaller or minimize how bad I’m hurting, and also without overwhelming you and taking up too many of your spoons.

You’re important to me, you’re part of my support system and I don’t want to lose that. But if things keep continuing the way they have been I’m afraid by the end of our lease we’re not even going to be friends.

We’ve both made mistakes, we’re both human. It’s inevitable we’re going to fuck up from time to time. I don’t expect perfection. We both have things we need to work on, but I don’t want to be, I can’t be, the only one who wants to fix things. I hope you understand that.

I’m not giving you an ultimatum, I’m not forcing a sit down. This is entirely up to you. You’ve heard a bit of where my head is at. Now the ball rests in your court.

[caged-monsterrs]

Reasons to stay alive

1.)Sadie Mae. My baby girl. Honestly, for 99% of the time I’ve had her, she's the reason I’ve stayed alive this long. Especially recently. If I didn't have her with all of the stress going on, I’d probably have offed myself by now.

2.) Because Alex graduates next year, and there's no way I’m going to miss my favorite not so tiny anymore human walk across that stage and receive his diploma.

3.)To watch Artie grow up and live his live to the fullest, and help him find less destructive way to manage his autistic emotional outbursts.

4.) Because I don't want my Virginia family to have to explain to Scottey (or any of my nephews) what happened to Aunt Ashley and where she went and why she's not around anymore. And while I’m sure there’s age-appropriate ways to explain it to them all, I don't want that for them.

5.) For my bestie sisters, Liz, Shauna, & Erin. I love them and all so much and they’ve all been there for me in their own ways and helping me through my hard times.

6.) To watch Scott and Lisa get married.

7.) For more bookish heart-to-hearts with Erin and Shauna

8.)For Beach sunsets

9.) For Ben and Jerry’s ice cream

10.) Because my dad has already had to ID my body once after my last suicide attempt. I don’t want to put that on him again.

11.) Because no parent should have to bury their child

12.) To help others struggling. To let them know that recovery is possible. That the road is hard and sometimes it sucks but it’s so worth getting to.

12.) To see elephants in the wild in person one day

13.) Because I love my brothers and I don’t want to put them through that pain of losing me. Especially Matt. He’s stoic, but he’s sensitive. I worry about him.

14.) For more tattoos

15.) For the love of pumpkin season

16.) To read more books

17.) To finish Vampire Diaries and its spin offs

18.) To finally feel comfortable in my own skin

19.)To write a book one day

20.) To hopefully fix things with Britney for real. Not just a temporary, bandaid fix. A real fix. Because this air and tension is so thick in this house and a crossroads is approaching and it may be a point of no return. I don’t want to get to that place, I dont want to lose a friend and a sister, but I can’t be the only one trying to fix things.

[caged-monsterrs]

-Did you know people with borderline personality disorder live with a constant fear of being too much for everyone they love, everyone they care about? We also have deep seated fears of abandonment. That’s why we’re constantly dancing on the line between acting like we’re fine or trying to fix what seems broken to us.

When we are constantly pushed away, belittled, accused of making a big deal over nothing, or told we’re being over dramatic you are invalidating our feelings and our experiences. I’m not asking you to see everything the way I see it. I’m asking you to consider the possibility that there might be two sides to how the situation seemed to play out and both of our experiences can both be valid.

I’m tired of being told I need to put my feelings in a neat little box to be more presentable to the world. It’s exhausting trying to always be big and bold and happy when I have all these big feelings inside of me and the one person who needs to hear them all has no interest in listening.

[caged-monsterrs]

-It getting really overwhelming for me giving so much of myself and getting nothing but table scraps, if that, in return. I have a huge heart and I care (maybe too much) about other peoples feelings. I have a heart that is 300x too big for my body. I will give and give and give of myself until there is nothing left of me. I don’t expect everyone else to care the same amount/way that I do, that’s unrealistic and I know that. I know that can be intense for people.

But in those rare moments when I do reach out and ask for help for myself and I just get shoved aside by the same people time and time again… you learn who you can rely on and who you can’t.

“I learned a lot about being a friend when I had none.” Losing people you care about hurts, but maybe it’s a necessary life lesson I’m being taught here.

[caged-monsterrs]

I'm so stressed out with this Britney shit I had a major nose bleed this morning and now I'm getting my period too 🙄 I'm so pissed at her. I'm not even sad anymore, I'm just Scorpio pissed at this point.

[caged-monsterrs]

Everyday spent here with B feels like a cutting mood. I don’t think we’re good roommates. I think we’re better off as friends, if that. Honestly she kind of feels like a person I don’t really want to know right now. Trying to fight through the triggers, which is basically her whole existence right now, but it’s hard. Feels like living with James a little bit all over again. Everything’s my fault all the time. I can’t do anything right. My emotions are too big, I’m always overreacting. Unless there’s some real, drastic change that happens I think once our lease is up I’m going to get my own place again and she can do whatever she wants. Get her own place or move in with one of her shiny new dominos friends. This isn’t working. I can’t room with someone who doesn’t give two shits how I feel ever and doesn’t communicate and just makes decisions without asking me, just tells me what’s happening after a decision has already been made as if I don’t live here too. This shit is really getting to me.

[caged-monsterrs]

Spending the weekend with my cousin. I’m nervous to be away from home, safety, comfort. I’m being really brave and not packing my blades with me. I stared at them in my bathroom and I thought about it. But I’m on a week clean and I don’t want to sip backwards again. So I’m trying to be this really brave person and I’m not going to bring them with me and Om not going to find something at her house to cut with. I can do this. I can. I have people to reach out to if I need them, if I’m triggered.

[caged-monsterrs]

These are the ways I’ve learned to survive.

You have to give the pain somewhere else to live that isn’t inside of you.

Let it live in writing. Art. Music. Reading. Caring for animals. Something other than hurting yourself in whatever way you have been.

I talk a lot about cutting because that was my chosen method of self-harm. But you can replace cutting with whatever makes it more personal for you.

I keep a physical journal/diary and this online one. I do arts and crafts. I keep my hands and my brain busy. I try to help others, too. I have a big heart and I enjoy helping others. Reaching out a hand to help others helps me heal.

I’ve made paper chains from colored construction paper. A colored ring for every day I stayed clean, a white ring for a relapse. It might sound cheesy and childish but you’d actually be surprised and how motivating the physical representation of the days you’ve stayed clean can be.

Snap a rubber band on your wrist every time you’re triggered instead of cutting. Take a red pen or marker and draw red lines instead of taking that razor blade and cutting yourself.

Let other people in. I know how scary that is, trust me. I’ve been there. But find someone you trust and let them in. Tell them what’s going on and help them help you. “People need other people.” Recovery is hard, and it’s even harder to do alone. “You can get through just about anything in life if you have one good friend,” so find one good friend that you trust and let them in.

These are just a few tips I’ve learned along the way. If you’ve learned different ways that work for you, that’s amazing.

[caged-monsterrs]

Just staying in bed tonight away from my bathroom away from my blades. I don’t want to cut again. I will make it though this night.

I’m just kind of at a breaking point with B. I can’t keep caring so much and giving so much when she’s just takes and takes and takes. She’s so selfish. Her Slytherin traits are showing in all the worst ways. I’m drawing my own boundary lines now. We’re roommates. I’m done caring anymore. It’s taking too much out of me.

[caged-monsterrs]

Small steps in recovery. As long as I make it through the rest of today I’m two days cut free. I haven’t gotten to the point of tossing out my blades yet, but small steps. It’s a struggle, but I’m back on the wagon again. I will win this fight. No matter how many times I have to fight it, I will win.