caitlynscully-blog

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13 reasons why

When I was in 8th grade I was raped.

I know most people would assume rape as forceable penetration...but that is not what happened to me.

We had an 8th grade field trip to NY...everything was great until we were on our way back. I wasn’t one of the “cool kids” in the least bit. In fact one of the cool girls asked me to take a picture and I thought she meant I would be in it, but it was of her and the other girls. All the pictures I took that day were of just me...no one else. No other friends.

On the way back, I wanted memories of everyone, so I started taking pictures of everyone on the bus. A couple of the boys said if I kept doing it they would take my camera. I ignored them and took pictures of everyone else. They took my camera and pulled me into the back along with it.

They told me “this is what I wanted.” “I asked for this.”

These are the words I will never forget. These words shaped the rest of my life...

After that, I tried to block everything out. I had a dress down to my ankles with a sweetheart cut in the front (but remember, I was in 8th grade...I had NO boobs)...and I was NEVER asking for it.

They held me in the seat. Stuck their hands down the top of my dress. Grabbed my boobs and I begged them to stop because it hurt.

They proceeded to push their fingers through my dress toward my vagina and said “You like that huh? I mean I’m sure you do. All girls do.” I was mortified. I couldn’t even speak. I had NEVER been touched in that way. I don’t know what made them assume I had, but I hadn’t. I felt like I couldn’t move. Tears started forming in my eyes and it was all I could do to not break down and cry right there. And then they were done with their “fun” and finally told me to get up and go back to my seat.

I was a “good girl” my whole life. Church, you name it, I went. I had only kissed a boy at this point in my life, 14 years old.

This is the moment that would change me forever.

I blame myself for this every single day.

My mom was in the front of the bus. Why didn’t I yell?! Why didn’t I ask anyone for help? How could I just freeze like that and not do anything?

I’m now 22 years old and I think of myself as sadly an object. I want guys to like me based on what my body has to offer. I used to send nudes to whoever wanted them...that’s what they want, right? They want the physical me. My face, personality, it doesn’t matter what I look like or who I am as a person...as long as I am “sexy” that’s all that matters.

I’m trying my best to get past this, but it’s hard. I just can’t. I don’t respect myself and I don’t know how to make others respect me if I don’t.

I know I need therapy and I’m going to work on that, but for now. I needed to let my story be told.

Don’t let your younger self hold you back. It’s been 7 years and I’m finally admitting it to the world. Only 4 people know what happened to me and I begged them not to say anything but I wish they would have.

Don’t feel alone. Please. Speak out to someone and let them know what is happening to you! It doesn’t get better unless you admit to yourself what happened!

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“When you beat the olives from your trees, do not go over the branches a second time. Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow.”

— Deuteronomy 24:20 NIV

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My relationship with my siblings

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In the end, people don’t view their life as merely the average of all its moments—which, after all, is mostly nothing much plus some sleep. For human beings, life is meaningful because it is a story. A story has a sense of a whole, and its arc is determined by the significant moments, the ones where something happens. Measurements of people’s minute-by-minute levels of pleasure and pain miss this fundamental aspect of human existence. A seemingly happy life maybe empty. A seemingly difficult life may be devoted to a great cause. We have purposes larger than ourselves.

Atul Gawande, Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End (via larmoyante)

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…and we drink our coffee and pretend not to look at each other.

Charles Bukowski, Luck (via thelovejournals)

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Tonight

Tonight has been really hard...this week has been really hard. I have been feeling lower than low. Which makes no sense. I have a guy that adore me, who even told me he would fly me out to Florida (where he is rn for work), I'm having a pretty good summer, working (but wishing u would get a raise), and my nephew is about to turn 1! There's not much more I could ask for, but still I feel empty. Tonight is the first time in 3 years that I cut myself. I just wanted to feel the emotional pain on the outside. I wanted to feel everything all at once. I cut myself 4 times on my left wrist. Why? I was overwhelmed with self hate. I feel fat, gross, and don't even like looking in the mirror. I'm not really fat by standards (5'6" 145lbs) but every single time I look in that God damn mirror all I see is EVERY ounce of fat on my body, every pimple on my face, every bump on my arms and legs from blocked pores, my crocked teeth, and my cellulite filled thighs. I'm so sick and tired of feeling this way literally out of nowhere...I just need something, anything to bring me out of this dark hole I have put myself in at the moment.

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Do you answer these?

Yes!

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I hope you read these. I knew you in middle school and knew you had it pretty rough from the boys then. I wasn't one picking on you, but want you to know those boys who called you ugly are now biting their tongues because you have grown into a beautiful woman. :)

Aww thank you so much! And I can only hope your right! And I hope that one day they all have daughters and realize that what they did was horrible and scared me for life!

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Take me back to paradise with sunshine, and 90 degree weather! 🌴 (at Paradise 👙)

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All mine 💕 (at Happyland)

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Today I leave to go back to Delaware. I had the most amazing time with you and this is a see you later not a goodbye 😘 thanks again for everything! Love ya lots and miss you already! (at Enchantment of the Seas)

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"The louder you are, the more money you make!" (at casino life)

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I'd like to be, under the sea. In an octopuses garden, in the shade. 🐙 (at paradise 🏄🌴)

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On an island in the sun 🌞 We'll be playing and having fun. (at Nassau, Bahamas)

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"Give me your keys, you're drunk!" "No thanks I'm drivin'." #Canada

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On an island in the sun. 🌞 #bahamas (at where you wish you were)