calitocwtch-blog

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California State of Mind

I was born and raised as a mixed-breed product of the top notch public education system, (no sarcasm intended,) in California. Even in 1986 California was a  beautiful, progressive, open-minded, sactuary-esque, wholly inclusive state.  My mind was molded to believe that anything was possible for me and my melting pot of peers so long as we were willing to work hard.  And although my Father’s Silicon Valley commute was two hours in and two hours home, and we didn’t have a lot of money, as a child California always seemed like a nice place to grow up!  (Below) A grey day for sand castling in Santa Cruz, CA.

But eventually my parents divorced and my mother decided that she and I were moving to Texas to care for my aging grandmother who had recently been diagnosed with Leukemia.  I was so happy to spend a few extra years with my grandmother.  Her dying words to me were actually, “work hard, get as much education as possible and never rely on a man.” (Love that).  I went on to complete high school, Undergrad and a Masters of Science Degree in Environmental Science in Texas. (Below) My mother and I celebrating my graduation from graduate school. 

By all accounts I appeared very “successful” on paper.  I co-owned a small business for a few years, graduated with honors and a 4.0 GPA.  I was living in Houston and had a job at a Fortune 100 company by age 23 and then a six figure position at a Fortune 500 company by age 25.  By age thirty I was managing assets, liaising with China, Canada and London and married to a handsome Welshman who worked at another large corporation just down the highway.  (Below) My handsome Welshman, my husband.

It’s not to say all of these things just fell in my lap.  I had to truly finagle my way into a graduate program passed a Dean who believed I would do nothing with my degree but, “graduate and have babies”.   I lost out on many a deserved pay day due to being kept as a contractor despite the fact others similar to me were being hired on full time.  I was called a secretary, given flowers on admin day, asked to make copies and cut cakes and endured sexism like I never knew I would see in my lifetime.  I was laid off along with an entire branch of others at one point when our office was closed.  I moved something like 14 times in 16 years and spent 17 years paying off a 50% interest student loan. But against it all, I never seemed to shake that positive California state of mind and remained resilient and driven and managed to keep it all together...  Until eventually, something snapped.  (Below) Lake Louise, Banff, Canada

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I snapped, but snap I did.  It was probably somewhere between Trump beating Clinton for the presidency and my losing out on a promotion that was given instead to a far less qualified man.  Maybe it was Millennial burnout,  or the fact that the USA had elected a man who openly uses the phrase, “grab em by the pussy”.  Maybe it was the Women’s March, the #MeToo campaign, the muslim ban or the proposed cuts to medicaid.  Maybe it was whatever the hell is going on in American workplaces with old-boys-clubs, sexual assault and rampant sexism.  I had been told recently by a Chinese co-worker that, “the Chinese don’t throw baby showers for girl babies,” and told by my boss to be “soft and speak less in meetings because I was making the senior men uncomfortable.”  Maybe I felt that everything I thought was true and good in the world was crumbling.  Or rather, maybe this was finally the glass ceiling. I wasn’t sure.  (Below) Myself on the left and my sister on the right on Women’s March Day, 2017.

After a few trips to a doctor and psychiatrist I was given drugs which would make me less aggressive and more soft and make the senior men around me more comfortable.  I was ordered to take time off and spent it thinking that there was something wrong with me. Had I really raised my voice that much?  I looked at homes online only to realize the ones we could afford would put us in the two hour commute club like my father in California.  I wondered how exactly people do that commute and have kids and what they do with their children in the day and how much that must cost and how early they must get up.  I wondered how much it would cost to have a child in a hospital.  For just my husband and I our deductible is already over $5000.  I thought how if I left my job for awhile to stay at home with kids like I would want to do, how I would literally never get back to where I was professionally,  (I know some women do but not in my profession).  I couldn’t see my kids growing up here happy and open minded and filled with hope.  I certainly didn’t see how I would pay for a child’s tuition and would never thrust them into a black hold of student loans and racism and sexism and unfair workplace practices. I decided at that point, after all I had been through, that I didn’t see a path forward for our family in the states. (Below) Karma the dog in her REI “A Women’s Place Is In The Wild” bandana.

I told my doctor all of this and that it sort of felt like the USA didn’t want us here.  Surprisingly she just nodded and said that Europe has a much better track record on women’s rights and women in the workplace and women in government.  She asked what it would take for me to get out and be happy.  I told her I needed a very specific amount of money to pay off any debts and move to the UK, (I had already calculated it out).  Then almost exactly a month later, the day before my next appointment with her, my boss and our HR rep came into my office and told me they were executing a round of layoffs that day and that I was to be included.  I was still numb from the meds and I asked what the severance was.  I kid you not, it was almost the EXACT amount of money I had told my doctor I felt I needed to get out and be happy.  And so, as I was escorted out of the office and to my husband who was waiting by our car, I smiled.  He asked if I was ok, and all I could say is, “Honey, we are moving to Europe!”  

(Above)  Falling in love with the Welsh Coast, Summer of 2014

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Cwtch:

1. /kʊtʃ/  Noun.  A Welsh word which can be loosely translated as a warm, affectionate hug or embrace that gives the feeling of a safe place or home.