callanpurcell-blog

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Dear Lucinka,

Firstly, just wanted to explain why I left class. I understand I don't necessarily need to explain nor make excuses for myself, however I really enjoy the classes and was disappointed I was out for a majority of it. This term has been the most uncomfortable. I have had incredible difficulty applying myself due to a combination of ongoing mental health stuff and attempting to settle back after visiting home. Since feedback I had taken on board the suggestion to step back and grapple with whatever difficulties I was going through in the work- which has been helpful. I have definitely surprised myself and also definitely haven't been the perfect drama student- which also surprised me. Yesterday morning, I revisited work of the solar plexus, so I think just a mixture of all of these things, in addition to the opportunity to what my body needed to do, it was exactly to work through some overwhelming sensations but in a private space for this instance. 

In regards to Feldenkrais, it has become more regular for me to relinquish the expectations of 'what next?' or 'where are the results?' and trust whatever results or lack thereof  that show themselves are right for that moment. Since reading Awareness Through Movement, I have taken a particular liking to the ethos of Feldenkrais' and how it has infiltrated my thought patterns. In particular, segments touching on self-education, education in schools, the individual in relation to society plus a lot of other stuff. While I was home, I had a huge talk with mum about education in primary schools as she is a school teacher. I also spoke with her about self-image and recommended a few ATMs she could run herself through. I am so interested in understanding Feldenkrais' methods as well as those explored in class more in order to introduce them to younger children, and what effect that has on them as they grow older.

It was blatantly obvious that psychologically, Feldenkrais had definitely impacted my thought processes, values, learning processes for myself and when I teach others. Oh yes- something about 'the individual must find a self image of worth and potential in order to learn.' or something like that...as well as 'during younger years, we are praised on who we are. As we grow older it is about our successes.' That too was quite an eye-opener.  There are a plethora of other lessons in that book that I was genuinely inspired by, however I can't remember them. Having said that, I am confident those lessons live in my body. By approaching Feldenkrais as an experience rather than a lesson, I have found then there are no dead-ends, but rather seedlings to root itself into my self image which can then bend and grow as I do. The implications of the work this term feels like the 'still waters run deep' kind of analogy where I can feel something going on physically and psychologically, however through time I'll be more aware of exactly what that is. Actually, maybe I won't.

There have been so many questions that have come up about awareness of the self and the company. There are also a few specific questions that always swim around as well including "How do we rest?", "How do we know we are grounded?", "What is ease?" Of late, I have become aware that resting with a good book and bed is not my idea of rest. I find it quite draining. But rather swimming or travel is much more energizing for me. I am aware that I haven't necessarily spoken too much in class this term however I have attempted to practice listening to others instead of jumping the gun with answers. Thinking about it I actually haven't had the answers most of the time either but rather a genuine curiosity of how physical exploration via ATMs and FI manifest into psychological lessons. There was a recent moment whilst doing an FI with Rob thinking about the strength of yielding and how absorbing energy or releasing it are both invigorating actions as opposed to relaxing necessarily. In regards to understanding my body I definitely still have a way to go, but I enjoy engaging in ATMs and taking space to focus on the body and breath.  Oh yes! Another bit, I was under the impression that "work within your comfortable range" meant I was never required to exert myself in any physical activity, though there was an incredible articulation of the concept in the book talking about the marriage of dynamic movement and the economy of that movement which burst that wide open for me. 

For the future I would like to first off, re-read the book to see what else comes out and continue to look through the ATMs online. I now have a few ATMs up my sleeve that can open up the possibility to centre myself, find ease, and most importantly find economy of movement in dynamic circumstances. I would also love to continue to run other people through ATMs because I've found a tendency to riff into almost the more imaginative realm with "juicy moves" etc; taking me out of the strictly technical element of the exercise. I'm curious to explore further how Feldenkrais can be used in the elements of character-building and devising. How can we have the delicate touch and quality of listening in rehearsal as we do in ATMs. How do we continue to make the familiar unfamiliar without feeling the heat to re-invent the wheel every time? How do we live with sensation in those very technical moments? I can chip away deeper into the moment with ease and gentle curiosity without smashing it apart. 

I feel I am on the way from using a sledge hammer and hands to tweezers and a scalpel when dissecting a scene. Callan

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..

Vitamin D tablets. Summer tunes. Fruit and veggies. Swimming passes. Cleaner walls. Clearer quotes. Sun lamp. Meetings. Water. Lots of water. Colours. Really trying to make this place work, so I can make work in this place.

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Week one done

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It seems I wrote a lot on the bus across Australia..

I’ve lived in myself 22 years now. Sometimes I forget it, but it’s a perfect spot for me.  Currently I’m under renovation. Bit of scaffolding round some parts, others being chipped away to make room for the extensions- (the verandah is gonna look sick) At 22 it looks a bloody mess- loose ends here and there, bad weather overhead, the contractor not even present to work on me. He’s gone out for supplies, I’m told. It takes a lot of time to build a home, it seems. I haven’t spent any money, just time. A lot of time making mistakes on colours or oversized rooms; things that should be installed after the breakdown and the cleanup. 

I’m still in the breakdown.

I always loved getting my hands dirty.

Breaking down is some of the best progress I made. (You might find varnished floorboards under the 60s carpet.)

That’s all I want for my home: Huge windows to look out into the world and to let the light in, floorboards for bare feet, a bookshelf, and a good reading chair.

Practical and spacious. No clutter.

Lots of room for activities and imagination and negotiation. 

And the pantry full of food.

That’s one room.

The others? 

I’ll build them when I get round to breaking down the others.

Also, music in my house.

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jetlag rant

I thought of you the other day..at the airport there was a little girl, about 7 and a boy, about 9 and their mum went to get them a happy meal and they were adorable..bleach blonde hair, eyes bigger than the head, little straw limbs..the brother said “sit down” to the sister, to which she shot back a look of utter disgust..”you’re not the boss of me” anyway, i just watched the way they moved because they reminded me of characters from sound and fury- Caddy and Quentin. then the conversation they had went from one thing to another, and the mum came back and the little girl said something then mum said “put the toy away, you have to eat your nuggets before they get cold.” then another from the child then the mother. she was freckled and octopus-armed, managing the present and the future for the three further journeys.."your aunties and uncles will always be with you" as she put the happy meals down. "they live in your heart. home is always in your heart." this very australian mum with two sun kissed sweaty kids and nuggets and pop tops finding out the mysteries of life in the airport. not even mysteries. simple truths. just a reminder that for me, i won't affect my environment by necessarily preaching those lessons, but rather letting those lessons live in my bloodstream and muscle matter and eye lashes and cheeks when i smile and ears when i listen and hands when i hold..a result of those beliefs. living through the lessons instead of focusing on stamping out the results for the world to see. 

i want to create theatre that embodies those values and ideals instead of plainly saying "this is what i'm saying" so when people leave the theatre they don't know why they felt so much about the piece or begin to question stuff. At 22, I don't want to shine light on the shit in the world- we already know it's there, but we need to be rebooted or re-activated in the theatre so we can refocus our focus to what really matters to us as individuals. Where are the old ‘Gone With the Wind’ films? Where’s the work from WWII and post where we were swept away into another realm. Or how can we marry the inspiration of human potential with the gravitas of the human condition and relations. i think, at the moment, thats the way to combat what's going on in my slice of the world. I’m not from a third world country. That’s not my story. I don’t know how to tell that story. Nor is my story explicitly one of breezy days or white privilige. my story will change. every year. in 5/10 years, as it should, because i'll be sensitive to what i need to show through my work. i got no answers,

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work in progress post/person

A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR

From June last year... “Hey Olivia, I just wanted to send you a massive message of encouragement and respect for the things you're doing for yourself. I'm in the midst of where you were a little while ago; trying to find funding ($40,000) for my college tuition. Ive finished my first year of studies and have two more to come. It sucks so much that there are people like us who live and breathe this art, and want to make ourselves better people and this world a better place through theatre, but money gets in the way of achieving those goals. It's clear though that you're unstoppable, and your path is one less trodden, going to workshops and intensives etc. Obviously there's more than one way to smash out a life in the theatre, and it's of great importance to remind people that acting school isn't necessarily the only way, and it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out that way. Best wishes heading your way! Callan”

Saying bye to mum and dad was hard. A hug or four and before it hit me, I was beside a gentleman from Amsterdam who believed this generation can’t live without social media. We spoke a while and laughed a lot; swimming through topics of Australian foods, occupations, the red light district, the time he was deemed a pedophile when he took a photo of a man in a reindeer costume although the mother thought he was taking a photo of her child, the time I went to Uluru and found an overwhelming sense of belonging when the sun woke up behind it, Brexit, where the young people were during the vote for Brexit, the confusion of the air hostess when I asked for pepper but she came back with pepsi, the hilarity of Ad, the Amsterdam gentleman reclining his chair- causing the knees of the sleeping woman behind to wrap around her ears as her feet were on her fold out table, and the marvel of the amount of languages Ad could speak. I just flicked back to facebook and read that being grateful, or speaking of things that you’re grateful about is one of the most effective ways to combat heavier times. I’ll write my happenings very quickly from my first day, just for the archives, but then I’ll dive into the delicious selection of things that make me smile or have made me smile this last month. -Flying over London: that’s a big cloud -Flying into London: still, in a big cloud -Getting out in London: still in the big cloud -Tube strikes--travelled from terminal 3 to 1, 1 to Picadilly line, Picadilly line to Hammersmith, Hammersmith to Monument, Monument to City Thames Link, City Tames Link to West Hampstead, West Hampstead to Kilburn, Kilburn to St John’s Wood, walked from St John’s Wood to Belsize Park. -Inbetween: Damp ground, damp clothes, drizzle. -People pushing and stabbing with the umbrellas and huffing and cursing and yeah, a lot of pushing in- what the fuck?

Ok, that done and dusted. I just can’t let it harden my heart. I’ll learn to find the sunshine inside me.

I stand by the fact that it’s vital to ride through negative emotions just like the positive ones. If I push them down or go all zen and try and ride above them, I won’t a) ever let them out so they’ll just fester like the 16 capsicums I found in the fridge last year at my old sharehouse and b) i wouldn’t have the experience of negotiating myself and my ability through them to get to the other side. I thought that’s what I was training to do, again and again, night after night. Australia was easy for me. Every day is like a day at the baths. Glorious, yes, but easy. Keep it coming, London. But maybe give me a break on Sundays. Sundays are day of rest, remember?

AUSTRALIA.

A. warm welcome from the sun where I fell asleep at the baths and woke up with really serious sunburn. It was a familiar feeling- not being able to lay on your back for longer than 2 minutes, and applying Aloe Vera every other 2.

B.elvoir St seeing Girl Asleep; a play I’ve been wanting to see for about 5 years now. I also left a letter for a hero of mine, Matthew Whittet, asking him if I could work with him.

C.

D.ear Evan Hansen screaming out of the speakers while salty summer air flooded in from the windows. Tyran, how I missed you, brother.

E.pic

F.ish and chips from Stockton. The scollops were practically just batter. I also bought a BBQ chicken. We got out of the 39 degree heat, chucked the air conditioner on and dug into the best Australian meal: chicken and chips with chicken salt.

G.lenrock Lagoon reminded me of what it was like to see with senses other than the eyes. The journey from the carpark to Merewether Baths and back was glorious and worth every step. I’d made a ham and pickle sandwich to eat halfway.

H.earing wild dingoes in Central Australia as I laid in my swag looking up at the stars. Ok, well staring at the stars; making sure I didn’t draw attention to myself as they were drinking water about 5 metres away from me. I didn’t want mum to be the next one in line to say “A dingo ate my baby!” because, let’s face it, I’ll always be her baby.

I.nitiating the walk up Heart attack Hill. The first part to the path across King’s Canyon. Looking up it, you saw people in the distance, like ants. I’ve only had that feeling once before...when I was looking at California Scream in Disneyland.

J.ust spending time with family. Enough said. Especially with Harper though. Her look so intent. She’s a very good listener..and very cheeky. Seeing Uncle Gerry and Aunty Deb too were highlights

K.eeping true to the impulse of the letter. Another letter. A spontaneous yet respectful letter to a girl who had the most gorgeous smile at the baths. I guess that’s the only downside to not having a mobile. But I wrote my name and drew a wave, so we talked still.

L.ying with mum in bed like I was 10 again.

M.ilkshakes with dad at Warners Bay, and him letting ME pay for them...

N.ew years the way I like it. Quite, and symbolic. Spending the first few seconds underwater and being ‘rebirthed’ by gasping for air when I came to the surface. I love symbolic stuff like that. 

O.ld friends and family popping up out of nowhere.

P.opcorn and jersey caramels at the old lake cinema. This was the first time in a long time I didn’t care about rustling wrappers or sniffing or fidgeting, because it was just fun. It was another reminder that actually I AM able to just go watch a film or play and enjoy it because it’s an activity I get to do with the people I love. Rustle away!

Q.uiet conversations on verandahs with friends and really good chicken salad and fruit and new dogs and forgotten gifts.

R.olling around in Maitland with drama kids. Doing workshops back with Annie’s kids from Upstage reminded me that theatre is for everyone, and so is acting. You do lose perspective being at drama school, and think that it’s all a perfect little bubble...but in reality, some of the best comedy or drama I’ve seen play out is from a 4 year old trying to do his laces.

S.unrise at Uluru. Sitting in the red dirt, seeing exactly when the core of the sun rose from the earth with the rays around it.

T.he Universe had some gems up her sleeve. Tarni Kate Beau Renee Erin Daniel Hayley Dom Max Peter Kathryn Bridget

U.nderestimating the beauty of 106.1 classic FM. It gives a nice, lyrical quality to a Newcastle summer.

V.isiting Newcastle Art Gallery and the Newcastle Museum

W.hen Yong, a South Korean kindergarten teacher told me that when she first met me on the Uluru trip, she thought I’d be a “naughty boy”. I was both aroused and confused, but I think she meant ‘bad boy’ because my cap was on back to front at the start. I said I loved my mum and dad though, so there’s no way I was. 

X.tra special memory:

Y.oga and finding freedom in active meditation. Thanks Bridget xx

Z.inc and sunscreen. The smell will always take me back to summer. The colours will always take me back to the 80s.

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10:54 Newcastle Baths 31.12.2016

‘Be the Sunshine Kid the World Needs.’

new music - INSTEAD OF - the ‘go to’ genres new books - INSTEAD OF - the kids books more veggies - INSTEAD OF - just chocolate more water - INSTEAD OF - pepsi swimming - INSTEAD OF - sleeping in yoga - INSTEAD OF - ‘just nothing’ active meditation - INSTEAD OF - ‘just stillness’ kisses and cuddles - INSTEAD OF - playing cool romance - INSTEAD OF - reality checks listening - INSTEAD OF - waiting to speak water - INSTEAD OF - bed risks - INSTEAD OF - regrets honesty - INSTEAD OF - political correctness focus - INSTEAD OF - indecisive heroes - INSTEAD OF - enemies anticipation - INSTEAD OF - anxiety healthy challenges - INSTEAD OF - obstacles encouraging - INSTEAD OF - forcing understanding - INSTEAD OF - replying commitment - INSTEAD OF - pussy-footing boiling hot - INSTEAD OF - luke warm passion - INSTEAD OF - playing it cool naked - INSTEAD OF - out of touch drawing - INSTEAD OF - nothing at all checking in - INSTEAD OF - checking out seeking knowledge - INSTEAD OF - desiring it doing - INSTEAD OF - saying invincible - INSTEAD OF - invisible warrior - INSTEAD OF - worrier star-gazing - INSTEAD OF - stone-kicking people person - INSTEAD OF - hermit singing - INSTEAD OF - silence just because - INSTEAD OF - this is the meaning of life discoveries - INSTEAD OF - decisions howling at the moon - INSTEAD OF - howling in your room honesty - INSTEAD OF - “INTERESTING...” questions - INSTEAD OF - answers using weight - INSTEAD OF - pushing against surrendering - INSTEAD OF - locking clarity and cleansing - INSTEAD OF - chaos change - INSTEAD OF - talking about change touching - INSTEAD OF - seeing sensing - INSTEAD OF - analysing planning - INSTEAD OF - procrastinating your journey - INSTEAD OF - theirs your drum - INSTEAD OF - theirs your love - INSTEAD OF - theirs saving - INSTEAD OF - spending BREATH. JUST MORE BREATH. AND MORE IMAGINATION AND COLOUR. London is my bitch - INSTEAD OF - I am London’s bitch sharing - INSTEAD OF - shame cleansing - INSTEAD OF - clutter negotiation - INSTEAD OF - right way / wrong way soul - INSTEAD OF - sight MORE SOLAR PLEXUS experimentation - INSTEAD OF - expectation making time - INSTEAD OF - finding time sweaty body - INSTEAD OF - not...sweaty intuition - INSTEAD OF - institution conversation - INSTEAD OF - confrontation beautiful thoughts - INSTEAD OF - bashing ones

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Peter Pan is one of the most political stories I know. How? I don’t know yet. Someone else tell me. I don’t have the answers so I’ll ask the questions.

"Allan had retained his interest in current affairs. At least once a week, he rode his bicycle to the public library in Flen to update himself on the latest news. When he was there he often met young men who were keen to debate and who all had one thing in common: they wanted to tempt Allan into some political movement or other. But Allan’s great interest in world events did not include any interest in trying to change them." -The 100 year old man who climbed out of the window and disappeared  Of late, in the recent shocking (but not surprising) results of the American election, there has been a  particular weight pressed upon the CDT students that our work must be politically fuelled, otherwise our work has no purpose. I profusely disagree. Can you disagree profusely? You get what I mean. Perhaps yes, political theatre and theatre-making can be ignited in so many ways; charging t’ward social or legislative change etc, but to think that my work won't make someone feel something just because it isn't directly rooted by a political view or party...shut the front door. Where’s that in-between bit where audiences are educated and enlightened, instead of us making shows of us doing that stuff for them?

There is such a pressure for us, and possibly others; writers, collaborators, designers... to make theatre that carries the banner of UNDYING PURPOSE or URGENCY or RELEVANCE at the forefront..branding work as important if it only embodies the politics of our country or company. Other stuff? Crap.

Surely, the good ones are sensitive enough to work both imagination and immediacy of human conflict at the same time. I want to change the world (not to mention myself) by first of all stopping and noticing things and getting others to notice. Get others to change them. I just want to keep making stories. I’ll just shed light on the mishaps or hiccups or twists and turns of the human condition.

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Just dawned on me how close coming home is. I can't wait to go to Jim's in Hamilton or head to the baths or walk through Glenrock Reserve or pass out at the Lass or a midnight run to Maccas or not pay for parking and hope for the best. Living away has given me so much perspective, but I'm ready to come back to the start for a little bit and see mumma and pappa and friends. x NEWCASTLE, YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD

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R E S P O N S E            P I E C E The Sound and the Fury William Faulkner Featuring Youness, Steve, Polly and Angelina

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I need a pee, I need a break One more shift, then 'finito'. I don't take care of myself. I sweat because I  work too fast. I sweat from  all the capsules. I sweat because  humans do, I guess. I don't take care of myself. Either chocolate or chips from mountains of tips... Or nights I've said YES instead of FUCK YOU. I don't take care of myself. It's yellow. Not smelly because that'd be weird.                                                          Fury teeth. Maybe from the matcha tart(s) I took care of my sweet tooth, not myself. I just don't want to die alone... Be one of those forty-year-olds who are known for just being forty.                            I probably cry       too much. Not often though. Get brain zaps which I can't take care of. Flacid body. Flabby. Or the wart on my foot or... I don't take care of myself. I don't. I do, though I don't.Or I wan't you  to take care of me, because God knows I can't. I can't even eat a proper breakfast. Shake it off. That too. We're human. Just tired. Urine or apple juice. Urine to apple juice. Like Jesus

last shift, Sep 29

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THOUGHTS ON FELDENKRAIS

The three main things that come to mind when I reflect on this Feldenkrais journey:

Unfamiliar positions are usually the most fascinating. If you breathe in, remember to breathe out. There’s no ego in Feldenkrais.

FIRST TERM Frustration, embarrassment, foreign, no answers, anxiety, self-esteem, impatience, looking for the finish line, familiar VS unfamiliar, getting ready to work, finding centre, expectation, unknown, control in the unknown, why does it get so dark so early in this country, control of spontaneous circumstances, hard, really hard, walking, eyes, cynicism, oh- I see…

First term was a base camp kind of term- the kind of experience where I embarked on a climbing trip of Everest with just a yoga mat, a jumper, and a blindfold. I was without a doubt hesitant and somewhat resistant to the method to begin with due to its unfamiliarity. I had never heard of Feldenkrais, let alone spell it. I found the integration of both group and individual exercises helpful so I was able to check in with the rest of the group and the rehearsal room instead of getting overwhelmed with my own thoughts of “Why can’t I get this right?” or “Where is this going? I don’t see where this is going.” What use to be an undying frustration inside of demanding results, completion of goals and success in mastering the Feldenkrais activities, with having a year’s worth of experience on my belt, I can see a healthy growth of my understanding of the Feldenkrais technique, its ethos and its rich benefits for the actor (and human being). The resistance I harboured stemmed from a seed of fear and expectation, which in turn invaded my approach to the method. The stress I put myself through when we sat down to show short presentations of ‘how we work’ or small improvisations was ridiculous. It was partly also due to a particular lesson where I felt physically nauseous halfway through. Never have I ever felt such an alteration inside myself, so deep down. It is testament though that Feldenkrais is testament to alteration and realignment. I still imagine the ink foot prints and the body’s centre working on a compass. I felt as if I was clutching for something more vivid than the subtle clues and nuances that this class has gently guided me towards. By engaging in the exercises, I have learnt to put aside great brush strokes of jumping to conclusions; opening the possibility to find answers in crevices, corners and joints I never knew I had.

Although yes, it’s clear I came up against a wall of doubt in myself and the work, there were a number of clear 'lightbulb moments’ which occurred during the term, especially with the spine. There became a harmony between Lecoq's principals, and the delicacies of Feldenkrais. By practising my patience, I was able to find more articulation of the spine which in turn enriched my engagement in exercises in voice (specifically the ‘hum train’) and Chekhov’s qualities of movement. Perhaps not specifically a Feldenkrais exercise, though sitting back to back, having a conversation via the muscles and vertebrae of the spine awakened such an incredible sense of awareness to my backspace; making the “familiar, unfamiliar” which always stuck with me. Both the spine and pelvis were highlighted in my mind due to Feldenkrais work, which I still work on regularly in order to increase my awareness and ability to manipulate these integral parts of the body. The pelvis though, was a feat to conquer perhaps in the second term. Well, not conquer as with Feldenkrais I’ve learned it’s an ongoing investigation, but suddenly I was sparked with an excitement to start that exploration. These weekly studies of the body and the ensemble as a working body also unstitched myths of neutrality for me. Prior, I had understood being neutral as a place of blank thoughts, emotions and offers, though upon reflection I perceive this state as a very active state in which we must receive. It must be active, SO ACTIVE in receiving the energy surrounding me, rather than being passive, or on the other end, reminding myself to ‘be blank, be blank, be blank.’ This lesson learnt by Lucinka chipped away at my marble facade of the perfect drama student. Since then, I keep the breath going, I keep the pores open and the eyes alive. This lesson in itself is a prime example to me of the Feldenkrais work as at one stage, the individual has a perception of something, though with a slight shift, their perception is made unfamiliar once again, and again I find new possibilities.

However, the major breakthrough for me was finally answering the question “what do I need?” with attention and genuine consideration. Prior lessons, it skewed into “what do I need to do in order to do what’s expected of me." This lesson, I just needed a good cry. I didn’t need to impress Lucinka with how well I can stretch or twist or remember a sequence of movements. I didn’t need to make sure I was supporting my class mates by injecting the room with a shot of energy. I didn’t need to probe myself to prove myself to anyone, but rather check in with myself so I was able to check in with others. It reminded me a lot of the airplane procedure if the oxygen masks come down…’fit yourself with a mask before anyone else’. How can I serve the needs of the class and the course if I haven’t served myself yet. It shone a light on the necessity of really asking yourself “what do I need?” in order to work the best as an individual and as a whole.

“Consistency doesn’t translate to carbon copy- hitting the same emotional peak each night. Finding consistency in your procedure to discover the result- whatever that may be. This is largely due to the stimulus around you; finding answers both inside and outside of yourself, always balancing and re-aligning the two.”

“Neutrality: think of it as a clean sponge- one of the big, yellow, car washing ones. Also refer to Lecoq’s definition of neutral.”

“Feldenkrais is calibrating and finding and regaining balance. That’s also exciting acting.”

SECOND TERM: New face, new term, novelty in Feldenkrais, tricks, tools, trades, techniques, reversibility, breath, breathe, keep breathing through the movement, still voids and blanks and cynicism, failing, failing, why the fuck do i keep failing, hungry for answers- not answering questions though, just answers, observations rather, observing myself, observing others, attention to others, giving to others, giving patience to myself and others...

We’d left base camp and we were well and truly in the thick of Feldenkrais exercises with Andy. Having a term’s worth of Feldenkrais, it felt to me that perhaps there would now be an extension of previous exercises, though we had begun with a new teacher, we begun again with walking. My expectation once more was the ‘been there, done that’ mantra, thinking I’d explored all there is to explore when walking, although throughout the term, the voice quietened and focused more on the notion of walking in the room, on this particular day, with this particular body, with these particular feelings. Again, really checking in with myself and my body. I’d felt like I was back to square one, though quite swiftly it had changed when my tendencies became more often to just receive the tasks and the work. There was a pleasant momentum of weekly themes and focal points all under the umbrella of reversibility. My immediate thoughts turned to a great appreciation for knowing what to expect in the class, and how to go about it. At times, there was an underlying sense of irritation and distraction in the room due to the room being small. We’d need to tag-team with others or tolerate the occasional foot in the face. (ROOM A was not ideal for the book exercise.) This term was all about strengthening patience, curiosity and listening for me. The Feldenkrais method begun breaking down moments in a sequence of movement, reversing them and above all making sure I’m breathing through it all. The accessibility and convenience of Feldenkrais allowed me to begin working with it outside of the rehearsal room so I didn’t have to wait until class to examine how my body was moving, and how it could move in the most economic way.

Andy’s tools and tricks, although on the surface seemed a novelty to me in the beginning, started to infiltrate the rest of classes and how I execute economy of movement in my everyday life. It was a matter of sitting in the frustration of “just stand there….just stand there..” and listen to what my body was saying to me. As a result, a number of tendencies came to light including tension in my toes as well as in my tongue. This lead to a breakthrough of “yes, you’ve acknowledged tendencies, now what?” Each morning, the way I would be ready to work involved focusing solely on the spine and pelvis (from term 1), integrating explorations of the toes and tongue to become aware of those four parts in particular. The skills given to me through care of the Feldenkrais method both catered to my tendency to need answers (concrete exercises like the book exercise, the spine and yoga mat exercise, the dead pigeon exercise etc.) and strengthened my understanding to be patient and just listen. I didn’t need to see someone to see how the movement was performed. I listened to the instructions, interpreted them in a way I understood, felt the impulse from inside and acted on those impulses. This really helped with Chekhov work as well in the respect that through listening and being open, my body and mind were put at ease in order to perform tasks with the least amount of effort. There was nothing inorganic or passive about it. It was active and alive and inquisitive. I just had to remember to breathe.

“Questions and curiosities of your body must never end. Practical exploration- whether on the tube, in the shower or in the rehearsal room has the potential to shine a light on something you hadn’t noticed about yourself and the environment around you.”

“Quiet enquiry is key."

THIRD TERM: Newer face, final stretch, same thing, same twist, same one step forward, five back…same…same but so different, something not the same, something new, something fresh and revived, and full circle, growth, patience, listening, trusting, loving the chance to trust the unknown, conscious of being curious, failing and loving it, taking responsibility for my failure, for my exploration, for my discoveries, sharing those failures and explorations and discoveries, listening is just as valuable as saying something- if not moreso, recalibrating, loving the chase-the pursuit-the gentle enquiry into the task, here and now, repetition with presence…repetition with presence…repetition with presence…oh I see...

I kind of reached a summit with my appreciation of Feldenkrais this term. I say kind of, only because I’m constantly reminded in the work that there’s no real end point to this practice, and I really love that. This class has developed a maturity in me that respects the craft of the Feldenkrais method, as well as my body and its ability. There were no real breakthrough moments this term, though it was clearer than ever that the work from this class had synthesised with all, if not many of the other subjects. I was particularly surprised as the curiosity that had evolved in the simple act of picking up a glass, for example. These minute intricacies became priority as they were interesting leads that ignited my interest. This term, under the gentle guidance of Rob proved to be one of trust and safety in the work. The seeds from term one began to grow and the tools from term two were cleaned and sharpened in order for further discoveries to bloom. It’s a little abstract and poetic, but I feel it’s the perfect way to describe Rob’s classroom. We were exposed to the real heart of Feldenkrais; watching documented footage of him assisting a young girl with physical limitations which hit home about why this method is so important not only to actors, but humans. This is a method not just for the intelligent or the elite. This is not a practice for those who can already run and tumble and get back up by themselves. It is a practice that does not discriminate, and although you may fail and fall many times whilst doing it, you can easily come back to the exercise if or when you have rested. We can comfortably accept, acknowledge and in turn overcome failure in its simplest form.

This term for me nurtured my ability to really trust the work. It’s important to me that I say it was never an element of risk like jumping into the sea or something equally terrifying, but rather acknowledging that the foundations have always been there, and it is our responsibility to trust that with the Feldenkrais method we can rediscover those foundations. Sure that fear from term one is still there at times, but the intuition and ability to listen is far stronger now. We spoke a little about ‘response-ability’ and how the Feldenkirais method brings breath and life into our capacity to respond to given stimulus- internally or externally, emotionally, psychologically, physically or even spiritually. Both Feldenkrais and the three tutors have encouraged my confidence to enquire in my own time instead of having to wait for permission, or quite the opposite as well, to rest when I need to. I may use the process of imagina(c)tion instead.

Either way, “I am my own boss.”

"Feldenkrais is one of conscious modesty. Feldenkrais is one of deliberate spontaneity. Feldenkrais is one of quiet encouragement- as long as you listen. Feldenkrais is one of rediscovered discoveries. Feldenkrais is one of ever-shifting balance."

[callanpurcell-blog]

1222

12:22am and it’s still 30ish degrees. Whether it’s hot or cold in this city, it’s always a major inconvenience. I’ve had a lot to write about, but getting stuff done has been priority. I move out of my house in a few days...I move to a nicer neighbourhood and I’m really excited about that. Someone once said to me “you know, you’re not the first person to be going to Central. Lots of people have done it before you.” I always ponder on friendships that have broken up, and I guess this was a nice realisation that this was a major hint not to keep that connection going. It’s not what they said. Yes, thank you Captain Obvious. I’m well aware the school has been going for a while and they hadn’t opened it up just for me. It was why they said it. Why? I don’t know. I guess my initial thought is because a thing of trying to bring a shadow on my sunshine...trying to make me feel like everyone else in the world. I’m not though. It’s not a thing of arrogance. I don’t think I’m better than everyone, but I am most definitely different to everyone. EVERYONE is different to EVERYONE. I’m so grateful to have found what makes me feel good about myself so early on, because some people never do find it. Why try and burst someone’s love or confidence or ray of sun? Another one I got “There’s plenty of courses like that (my course) in the world” Mind you, this was coming from people who are teaching the upcoming actors of Newcastle. 

Then, another turned it round in a class only a few weeks ago for me and said “If you can imagine yourself doing anything else other than acting, do that.”  I can’t. A teacher? no. A real estate agent? no. I’m even having trouble thinking of possibilities. I want to make it clear to myself that ACTUALLY, I’m part of a course that is only 10 years old. Exciting things are happening for me, and that “freedom is just on the other side of discipline.” I’m working the next 3 weeks back to back- no days off- so I can save as much money as I can before school starts. Sure, people have done this course, but I guarantee you not everyone came to the front steps with the circumstances I had, or the things I’d overcome. That’s what makes good stories..and those people back there; in memory, in Newcastle, in their own nest will tell the same story to every single student they meet, year after year of how they knew me once. 

[callanpurcell-blog]

“It’s MargolYES, not MargoYALES.” -Hermione

It’s a few weeks in since I sent off my letters, and I have begun waiting to hear back from actors, writers and directors in the hope that they’ll help me stay at Central. All been “no” but that’s ok. It’s nice they replied. It’s also only a few days since I returned to Sushi Masa. It was such an anti-climax. I stayed on that high horse as long as I could, but when I tried to put my money where my BIG mouth was, there was no money to put there, so I had to go back to work. I only went back though on the provision that the employees were supported by the managers should there ever be another incident like that, and that employees are protected from such behaviour from customers. Is there a waiters/waitress union? Maybe, who knows?

I said to my friend the other day... “You suddenly come up against a thick brick wall...after weeks, months even, you finally break it down only to see fifty flights of stairs behind the wall. You get to about the thirtieth, and another wall drops down ON you, then you first have to get yourself out from under the wall THEN you start chipping away.” That to me is London. London, I love you not. A gridlock of misdirection, red tape, detours, policies and prickish human beings. London, I love you not.

I’ve seen too many black cats around here. I ran towards one this evening on my way home from work so it wouldn't have a chance to cross my path. I think that gave me even worse luck though. Please see below: I received an email from Mariam Margolyes...you know, the professor from Harry Potter? The cartoonish looking Susan Boyle? This is what she said: "Dear C When you ask for money, make sure you spell the addressee's name correctly! Sorry no money available Good luck. MM"

I can only laugh. I fucked up big. I misspelt this woman’s name who is internationally known as an actor. Do I pull the dyslexic card? Do I turn round and say “woah lady, you could've just said “when contacting people...not when you ask for money”? Do I reply with an apology and grovel?

I did number three. 

I’m scared London is making me weak, or rather- it’s making me quiet. For years now, ‘humiliated’, ‘embarrassed’ and ‘awkward’ were vanquished from my vocabulary. They’ve come back. I don’t feel comfortable or on top of things. I went to look at another room today to move into, but I think I’d do with just a hole to crawl into. I refuse to be ignored or pushed aside or belittled or ‘put in my place’. I grew up my whole life being out of place. I’ve never ever belonged in a group or team. The closest was working at French Woods in America. When is enough, enough? Don’t worry, I’m not going to neck myself or anything. I’m just impatient. I know, Rome wasn’t built in a day, but quotes and sayings and nifty cards with thrifty gifts won’t pay the bills or keep me at Central. Neither will people saying “oh you should do this” “you should do that” I feel that’s as useful as giving a deaf person an iPod. You might think you’re helping, but it’s useless.

No more black cats, please. No more advice, please. No more cunty actors, please. No more ambiguous circumstances where I’ll come out the other end going “ah I see what I’m meant to do with that.” I had enough of that through puberty. Someone said “Well you’ve sent the letters, that’s all you can do.”

So I guess I’ll sit...and keep working...and wait.