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calliopes-constellations · 2 months ago

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CHOKING HIS SKIN ★

✰ FANDOM ★ Dear Evan Hansen

★ SUMMARY ✰ If there was one thing that Connor, Evan, and Jared all had in common, it was a mutual hatred of swimming. They're reluctantly hanging out at Connor's family's pool, and it seems to be getting very difficult to not compare themselves to each other.

✰ RELATIONSHIPS ★ Connor & Evan & Jared (PLATONIC)

★ ERA ✰ Senior year (does not follow canon)

✰ WORD COUNT ★ 1.7k

★ AGE RATING ✰ Teen

✰ CONTENT WARNING ★ Mentions of self-harm / self-harm scars / body dysmorphia / gender dysphoria (FtM) / references to transphobia / low self esteem / insecurity / jealousy / inappropriate mentions of eating disorders (anorexia)

★ DETAILS / TAGS ✰ trans!jared / emotional slop I put together late at night / Connor lives AU / angst

✰ POV ★ Third person

★ A / N ✰ I feel the need to come out here and say that these portrayals of the characters' appearances are not how I see the actors, nor am I implying that these characters should feel this way about themselves.

As the sun gnawed at their skin, sinking its scalding teeth in, the three boys lazed around the pool at Connor’s house. The pungent smell of chlorine rose from the water like smoke.

Jared had draped himself over an inner tube, his face cast up to the blistering sun. His arm rested over his swimshirt-clad stomach, his other hand shielding his eyes.

Connor sat on the step, his hair tied up in a bun. He picked at the calluses covering his fingertips until moving on to peeling at his hangnails until the skin shone pink and raw.

Evan waded around through the water, arms shielding his torso as he shifted around aimlessly. The tepid water teased at his curls once he submerged his head.

The sun beat down upon the parched grass as rain threatened from the clouds circling like a halo. The heat withered at the glimmering surface of the pool and dissolved into the lukewarm water.

“Are we gonna talk or are we just moping?” Jared broke the silence. He lifted his head slightly to glance around at the other two. Connor shrugged.

“I mean, we’re all being forced into this by my mom. So I don’t really care.” Connor waved his hand dismissively before returning to pick at his nails.

“I’m good with whatever,” Evan replied.

“Of course you are,” Jared snorted. “Moping and sunburns it is.”

“Oh, yeah, Jared, you’re gonna have godawful tanlines after this. You’re doomed to long sleeves,” Connor pointed out, the corner of his lip curving up. He glanced up at Jared with his hair beginning to slip out of the bun, framing his face.

Right, because it’s so funny that Jared has to wear a shirt to go swim. That’s real joke material.

“Yeah.” Jared settles for instead, despite the dormant animosity curling in his throat. His eyes swept Connor’s frame, half-obscured by the water warping his body. Flat as a floorboard, obviously. Why wouldn’t he be? Only, that brings the question of why Jared isn’t. His vision flitted over to Evan.

Not a single curve on his body. Why would there be? Flat as a mirror. God, Jared wished Evan could be a mirror for him.

But no.

Jared found himself, unsurprisingly, stuck in this swimsuit that clung to every curve of his body. It suffocated and drowned his figure. How could he be a real man to his family when the slightest touch of water seemed to turn him back into a woman? No matter how many times he stretched it out or tried to find a new one, it choked his skin, and he remained trapped in this same silhouette he seemed to be bound to.

Jared covered his eyes with a trembling hand. Maybe if he couldn’t see the sun, it would stop it from outlining every curve of his body he desperately wished he could just slice away. His mind writhed and pulled like a rope stretched taut.

His vision hooked onto Evan.

“Hansen, you cold or something?” Jared blurted, tearing away from the cesspool of his mind that seemed intent on drowning him.

“Huh?” Evan piped up, paddling over to Jared.

“You’re standing like a Minecraft character. Cold?” He guessed.

“Uh, yeah, a bit. I’m fine though,” Evan lied. Because of course everything he did had to be criticized or called out in some way.

“Okay,” Jared responded, cocking an eyebrow. Upon Evan’s silence, he shrugged, returning to his previous state of basking in the shameful spotlight of the sun.

Evan turned back around to retreat to the corner, shuffling through the liquid that obscured him. The water twisted everything, and the sun missed his eyes and danced on his skin instead.

Connor was right. Jared would have some pretty terrible tanlines after this. But Evan would take tan lines over the incurable, inexplicable ache that settled in his chest the second he took his shirt off.

He barely even ate. Why did he still look like this? Jared would say ‘genetics,’ despite the fact that both of them knew his mom hardly looked anything like Evan. Probably just another thing his dad fucked up. Connor would say ‘look like what?’ as if he couldn’t clearly see what Evan was talking about.

It was, quite frankly, impossible to ignore.

The folds on his back, his flabby arms, everything. His gut would jerk when his mom would romanticize it by saying he’s “just a bit chubby.” As if trying to make it ‘cute’ would help. Just call him fat.

That word wouldn’t make him want to cut away parts of his body more than he already craved to. He used to pray for his tears to become acidic so he could melt himself away every time looking at his unclothed body brought him to tears.

Connor was skinny. To the point where Evan could count each of his protruding ribs. But he knew Connor ate just as much as he should. Evan could be healthy and still look something like his friend. It was possible, and Connor was living proof. Connor never had a double chin the second he smiled, never had to worry about if he could find something to wear that didn’t make him look fat, didn’t have to prop his legs up when he sat down so his thighs wouldn’t double in size.

“Hansen. You look depressed. Come over here,” Connor insisted, splashing the spot on the step next to him.

Did Evan want to sit next to the skeleton of a boy who made Evan know it was possible? Why would he?

Nevertheless, Evan reluctantly trudged toward him through the water, skittering past Jared, who loomed above them both atop his inner tube throne.

Evan settled next to Connor, fixing his curls over his eyes. They cast webs over his vision, but Connor had no way of seeing where he was looking. No matter what, Evan would just be looking at bones sheathed in skin.

It felt as though he doused himself in gasoline and grabbed a lighter. He didn’t know why he would engorge his mind on the skeleton that his friend was, but he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away.

Connor shifted closer to Evan, his chilled skin starving for the warmth that Evan emitted. It caressed his skin like apricity if they got close enough to touch.

But not quite. Though he knew it was impossible, Connor did not want to find a way to contaminate Evan with the striped mess that his body had become.

Connor’s eyes traced every imperfection he could find in Evan’s skin. It turned golden in the summer, much unlike Connor’s pallid complexion. Evan’s skin freckled. The only marks Connor could find.

Connor’s icy eyes met his own in his distorted reflection before drawing back to his own skin. The countless lines that formed constellations, littering his body from his knees to his wrists. Some had gone white, some dark like thin bruises, some still weeping, red, and raw.

Evan didn’t look like that. Nor did Jared. Connor, of all people, knew the shit that the two of them had gone through. But did they break their bodies into enough pieces to make a puzzle? Did they crack open hard enough to lose some of the fragments?

He couldn’t will those parts that wilted away back into life. He would forever hold a gaping hole in the shape of a knife where the rest of him used to be.

Evan could fully swim around in the chemical-ridden water. So could Jared, he just chooses not to. Connor was bound to either these shallow steps or to be sucked back into a sting that brought tears to his eyes but finally something to be felt. Once dipped back into this endless cycle, he would someday lose the control to swallow back the feeling of wanting to lacerate his skin until it vomited blood.

“I look like a fucking girl,” Jared scoffed, splitting the thick silence, yanking Connor out of his own mind before he could suffocate in it.

“No you don’t, you just look ugly. You look like more of a dude than I do,” Connor reassured, his default glare managing to soften a fraction.

“You don’t,” Evan doubled. “If anyone looks like a girl here, it’s me,” He spat before he could reel the words back in.

It lingered out in the open for a moment before Jared propped himself up on his elbows, raising his eyebrows.

“How so?” He inquired.

“Uh, nothing. I was- kidding! A joke. Yeah.” Evan stumbled over the words, blood rushing up his neck and creeping all the way up to his eyes.

“You said that way too easily for it to be a joke,” Connor denied, slinging an arm around Evan. He flinched as he felt their skin rub against each other. Can he feel it? Shit, am I bleeding on him?

“It’s nothing,” Evan insisted.

“Evan,” Jared pushed. “C’mon, man. I’ve had my mental illness confession, it’s your turn.”

“Well. I just- Jared, you don’t look like a girl. I mean, I look like I just had a fu- a baby!” Evan blurted exasperatedly, placing his elbows on his knees and dropping his face into his hands.

Connor retracted his arm.

“You look healthy,” Jared protested, slinking off of the inflatable and moving towards the pair on the steps.

“Yeah, what Jared said,” Connor agreed. “I look fucking anorexic, you look perfectly fine, man.”

“I’d rather look like you than what I look like right now!” Evan’s voice broke.

“I look like I’m about to drop dead! And it doesn’t help that I’m literally labeled with evidence that I’ve tried!” Connor countered.

They both fell silent.

“Sorry. Too much?” Connor whispered.

“No, you’re fine,” Evan hummed. Silence wrapped around all three of them.

“Should we go inside?” Jared suggested.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded, stepping back out onto the pavement. The other two followed after him.

Jared was still born female, Evan was still chubby, and Connor was still covered in scars. Hardly even a fraction less shamefully.

But maybe someday they would wear their skin without wanting to crawl out of it.

#calliope writes ☆#dear evan hansen #connor murphy #evan hansen #jared kleinman #deh musical #deh #angst #fanfiction #fanfic #fanficblr

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