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11/9: Documentary style film

This week I decided to take a closer look into short documentary style films about mental health to get some inspiration if I decide to go the documentary route rather than the narrative route. The first one I watched was definitely the most powerful; it was about depression and suicide in college students in the UK. This one brought me to tears; the stories of each individual come together to form something a lot of people can relate to. I also really enjoyed the backing music; when I include music in my piece, I need to decide whether I want to make the music myself or maybe reach out to a music tech to help out with the project if they have time. Another part of this piece that got me thinking was the quality of the audio and video; together, they work really well, with the director making sure the lighting and positioning of each person was perfect. I definitely would want to follow these practices if I decide to do a short documentary film.

The second one I watched was really interesting to watch because while I was doing research, I did not specify anything regarding dpdr; I simply searched “short documentaries on mental health”. This one is about a French man’s experiences with mental illness—and half way through the video, he gets to the part of his story where he finds out he’s suffering from depersonalization. This one was definitely more performative in terms of content, as it involved projections and animations, with him explaining his experiences throughout. One experience that I can identify with is him getting to the bottom of the DSM page on dpdr and seeing that there is no cure, no effective treatment; and that because of this, the disorder is “fascinating”. He then says, “not fascinating, terrifying”. While this one was cool to watch; it didn’t hit me as hard as the first; something about hearing multiple stories is really beautiful, and I think I’d like to pursue that instead.

The third one I watched was similar to the first in that there are several stories from different individuals, but the visuals are different. Instead of having those people sit in front of a camera and speak on their experiences, the visuals are scenes of rain, darkness, and water. When I was trying to focus on the audio, all I could do was focus on the video. The words meant nothing; I was too into looking at each scene. While I’m really into cinematography, this method of talking about mental illness was not effective in my eyes; it was too distracting from the main point. With this, though, I want to try and find a way to combine both, since I love both styles. Documentary interviews on one side, beautiful scenes depicting what dpdr feels like on the other. I want to do this without taking away from the stories people tell.

The last one I watched was a short doc on a specific person’s experiences in regards to mental health. As compared to the second short I watched, this one was less performative, and mostly had shots of the woman sewing, doing her thing, while telling her story. While the shots were great, the idea of it just being one story from one perspective was not as captivating as having several. It’s still definitely interesting, but the idea of seeing something from several different perspectives is one of my favorite parts about life; everyone sees things differently, experiences things differently. I want to capture the diversity in experience while still being able to identify a common theme in all the stories together.

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11/2: Feeling as though your value in society is determined by your mental health status

I was looking over my blog posts so far, and realizing that there is one thing I wanted to explore more. I said something in regards to the term “crazy”; how when I’m in a derealized state, it feels like I’m going crazy, and that the main reason I don’t/didn’t want to tell people about my dpdr is because I was afraid they’d think I was crazy. I mentioned that it felt slightly wrong to use the word crazy in this sense, and that using the word crazy in my everyday language might also be very problematic. I decided to do some research on this, and found two great pieces that put these feelings of mine into words. The first was an NPR podcast that compared the use of the word “crazy” to another word that used to be used as an insult (that word being “retarded”). But as people started to recognize the implications behind this word and its derogatory nature, it was phased out. The second piece was an article in Penn Medicine about the stereotypes behind the word crazy, and how it perpetuates a certain stigma that can make it more difficult for people to seek treatment.

Like I said before, the reason I did not want to tell people about my depersonalization/derealization disorder is the fear of being thought of as crazy. I’ve been thinking about this in regards to other mental illnesses, as well. With depression, I have the fear of not wanting people to pin me as “sad” and "unmotivated”. With anxiety, I know a lot of people don’t want to be viewed as “irrational” or “dramatic”. With these stigmas that are attached to each mental illness, it make it harder to for those to seek treatment and to speak with others about their struggles. They don’t want to be labeled, and, for me, I don’t want to be seen as “less than” because I have these struggles. This has lead me to the idea that in essence, I don’t want to be seen or valued less because of my mental illness. I just realized that is the root of my fear behind telling people; that they will see me as having less value, whether that’s as a person, a friend, a partner, or an employee. I’m trying to find more articles exploring this idea, but it looks like I can’t figure out a way to put the search terms together to find content that is relevant to this idea. I’m going to keep trying, as this kind of feels like a breakthrough in terms of my feeling of being stuck for a little bit in terms of capstone stuff.

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11/2: Collage

For this week’s active research, I decided to do a collage. I haven’t made a collage in a really long time - it’s probably been about 2-3 years. I went through some old magazines I had, and found any and all that reminded of dpdr. It was pretty difficult in terms of finding relevant images; I think next time, I need to find other genres of magazines that might offer a greater selection of content. I don’t really like it that much, specifically because it doesn’t have a lot to it, but I think it’s definitely motivating me to do more and get better since this is my first one in a really long time. 

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10/26: video 3 out of 3

For this week’s active research, I decided to hone in a little bit on the “silver lining” aspect of my research. My dpdr does allow for a silver lining; I get to see the world in a different way at times, and because of that, I value the small things a lot more. For these clips, I focused on the theme of water/rain in each. For the first video (I had to post them separately because tumblr only allows for one video at a time), I shot a scene that involves one of my favorite things: the moon. There was a full moon this past week, and when I went out to shoot, the moon was creating super cool reflections on the moving water. During an episode of dpdr, I would experience this scene in sort of slow motion; but regular me can see that reflection of light and appreciate that I’m not derealized. In the second video, it’s raining, and the droplets are creating little ripples in the water. While everything feels dull and dark in an episode, in my normal state, I can reflect; I see those little rain drops and smile at the perfect circles they’re making in the water. The last video is after a rainstorm. During an episode of dpdr, it feels like I’m seeing things through a glass wall/a camera/a barrier of some sort. But when things get clear again, I deeply value the everyday things like sunsets, clouds, and the sky.

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10/26: video 2 out of 3

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10/26: video 1 out of 3

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10/26: Telling my parents about my project

This past weekend, I went home for my dad’s birthday. I hadn’t seen my parents for about 2 months, which is the longest it had been without seeing them in a while. I was a bit nervous; they were asking infinite questions, and since I’m back in school, a lot of them were about Stevens. They were pretty used to me being an A student, but since I’m behind in all of my classes, it was stressful telling them that I probably won’t have great grades this semester. In addition to that, they asked how both of my theses were going. In the past, I’ve always made sure to emphasize my STS thesis, only because I was absolutely terrified of telling them about my dpdr. While my mom had always been open and honest about mental health, my dad and my stepmom were more closed off about that stuff. It always felt like it was taboo to talk about. That’s why whenever my theses came up, I would always steer the toward my STS one. Finally, though, they specifically asked what I’m doing for my VA+T thesis, and I couldn’t avoid it any longer. My dad knew more about my dpdr than Caryn did; he’s the one who picked me up from Stevens my freshman year when I had my first severe episode. So when I said what my project was about, Caryn had basically no clue. She asked when I experienced it last, how long I’ve known I’ve had it, etc. What I wasn’t expecting is that she’s went through several episodes of derealization around when her mom passed away two years ago. She had trouble driving, trouble talking to others, and listed a lot of the same things I’ve felt during my episodes. It was honestly such a huge relief; I thought they both were going to look at me like I was crazy.

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10/19: Reflection on midterm making benchmark/prototype

Through planning, filming, and editing my prototype for the midterm critique, one thing that stood out to me is how much I still enjoy the whole process. It was my first time editing a longer video in about a year or two. I was afraid that when I started editing again, I wouldn’t like it anymore, especially because of the subject matter. Filming was really tough because of the amount of time I spent in the water, having to hold my breath for long amounts of time over and over again while fighting the waves from moving me or the camera too much. But a soon as I started in Premiere, it was like I had never left. I could edit for hours and never get bored; reviewing the 40 minutes worth of footage was a lot, yes, but not it was not dull. Then putting everything together was the best part; hours felt like minutes, and getting the details/timings just right felt amazing. This is making me realize that I definitely want to go in the direction of film as the medium for my capstone project. I think it’s my strongest medium, and it’s the one I still have the most fun with.

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10/19: Prototype!

(Google Drive video quality is terrible, Canvas assignment submission is full quality if you download it)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Mt4cZANvBCz07wdN02L9XVTvICuLls1O/view?usp=sharing

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10/5: Experimenting with music

Through creating those previous Spotify playlists both this semester (finding music to represent how dpdr feels) and back in Professional Practices in 2020 (consolidating all of the songs that provide me comfort during an episode), I've realized that music is a huge part of getting me through my shit. It always calms me down, even in the darkest moments. I've been learning how to create my own music in Logic, and decided I would make something that evokes the dreadful feeling, the sudden realization when I wake up that I'm stuck with dpdr again. I think it would be cool to make my own music if I decide to go with film as my medium for capstone. I created this little loop by starting from scratch with an electric synthesizer, using the lowpass filter to allow for frequencies that are under the cutoff frequency to pass. I changed a bunch of different settings to make it sound eerie, and honestly kind of uncomfortable, just like how dpdr makes me feel. You feel like your world has just fallen apart; everything is spinning, but you’re completely still.

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10/5: Miles Johnston

One artist that has been inspiring me is Miles Johnston. His pieces are extremely surreal, with many of them reminding me of the feeling of dp/dr. His works are meant to be visual metaphors of introspection and contemplating themselves at a deeper level; so, while Johnston isn’t specifically focusing on dp/dr, the principle that dp/dr makes me view myself and all of my actions with a magnifying glass allow me to connect with his drawings. Each one offers a sort of new way of looking at my dp/dr; one is an image of someone underwater, with hands reaching up in a cryptic, eerie scene. I want to capture this feeling somehow in my work, because it perfectly represents the feeling of wanting to get out of that state. Another is an image of a woman, with her head sort of sliced to show her sort of watching herself from inside her mind. This imagery captures the idea that I am hyper aware of all of my actions, movements, and interactions with others when I’m in a state of dp/dr. When capturing this feeling in film, it may be difficult to accomplish; possibly finding a way to say that I’m overanalyzing myself and having an experience that causes me to introspect a little too much. This reminds me of something my mom said; she says I’m constantly trying to figure myself out, and that that amount of introspection isn’t necessary. But I really do like introspection and understanding myself and why I do things the way I do or think the way I think. Is there a negative aspect of this? When analyzing Johnston’s drawings, there is a sense of dread and anxiety within each piece. I think I lose sight sometimes that I don’t have to have everything figured out all the time; I’m young, and I have a lot of time to slowly figure every part of myself out, rather than doing it all at once.

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10/5: Yayoi Kusama

Another artist that has been inspiring me both in terms of content and in terms of practice is Yayoi Kusama. Kusama uses her art as a way to deal with her mental illness; it acts as a form of healing, of therapy. In this article I read about her work, they had a few insightful quotes to describe Kusama and her art, with one of them being “the only way out is through”. One thing that I’m realizing is that it’s not helpful whatsoever to bottle things up; that was my default setting whenever I went through things, and I’m sure it didn’t help in terms of my episodes. I’m just now, as I write this, realizing that I have been more open to feeling my emotions than in the past. While I like how I’ve had less colossal emotional breakdowns as a result, feeling sad for weeks at a time also kind of sucks. But I guess that’s better than pretending/pushing everything so deep down that I don’t address my feelings whatsoever. I’m also realizing that healing isn’t linear; while I thought I was finally out of the darkness from this past summer, there’s definitely still some left - and that’s ok. I’m definitely better than I was, and I’ll get through it, with the help of writing and acknowledging that all of my feelings are valid. Anyway, back to Kusama. While kusama suffers from both visual and auditory hallucinations, she also experiences depersonalization in general; so she is an inspiration in terms of dealing with her experiences by creating art and in terms of turning her depersonalization into beautiful pieces of art. She describes her work as “art medicine” herself. I want whatever I make to be both therapeutic for myself and for others. To show others that whatever they're going through is normal; that no one should have to hide their struggles, and that we’re all going through things.

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10/5: Tracey Emin

Tracey Emin’s work has also been inspiring me in general (not necessarily related to dpdr); specifically her most recent pieces. During COVID-19, she made several paintings, releasing them in an exhibition called I Thrive On Solitude. It’s weird; I found lockdown to be so liberating, so freeing. Not having to see people, not worrying about making friends, not having any fear of letting anyone down. WOW HAHA I JUST REALIZED THAT. And now I’m thinking that another reason why this summer was so tough was because I had to start getting back to normal life again; fast and unforgiving. In quarantine, time was endless, and I never got bored. I had so much time to focus on myself, think, and learn new things. It was sooooo so nice. I’m so grateful that I was able to work remotely while sustaining myself in Hoboken, rather than heading home to a more toxic environment. I know how lucky I am to be saying this; quarantine was really difficult for a lot of people. Not everyone had the choice to work from home, and many people lost their loved ones to COVID.

When looking at Emin’s work, I see myself in a lot of the paintings; just being able to sit and contemplate; just hanging out with yourself. I could be exactly who I was; there was absolutely no outside influence on my behavior. While I aim to be my most authentic self when with others, making people laugh/feel comfortable is one of my favorite things to do. So when I am with others, I kind of make fun of myself, and I love doing that. But when I’m alone, there is no outside influence on what I do, what I think, or how I act. I still do a lot of the things I do when I’m with others; I still dance, laugh at stupid things, and go see cool things like concerts and events (in a post-covid world). But there’s absolutely no pressure, which is the best feeling in the world. I think I struggle with trying to make sure others around me have a good time/are comfortable, and doing so takes a lot more out of me than I realized.

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9/28: Grateful for the everyday things

For the entirety of my research so far, I've been really focusing on the bad times (which makes sense considering my topic is on the rough stuff). My visuals have been bleak, dreadful, and all negative in nature. And while there's nothing wrong with that, I wanted to switch it up. The other day, I was walking around on campus, and felt the wind on my skin and the sun on my face. I felt so so good in that moment, with the trees blowing, making things a little chilly, but the sun warming you right back up. I went to go lay down on a bench on Davis lawn, and when I was laying there, I started thinking. I was listening to a song called "La Ritournelle" by Sébastien Tellier, a song that's always given me a feeling of relief and excitement for what's in the present. In all of my studies of songs that remind me of the feeling of dp/dr, and songs that I listen to during an episode of dp/dr, all of them are also pretty depressing. When I was laying down on that bench however, I started to feel extremely grateful for everything. I wanted to continue feeling the wind on my skin, so I just lifted my arms up in the air. As I was looking at my hands, and there were no feelings of disassociation, I started to feel extremely grateful. I was thinking how amazing it is to just feel the wind through my fingertips without second guessing it; looking at my hands without feeling detached from myself. It was probably top 10 happiest moments of my life I think. The feeling of being human again; experiencing myself and my surroundings with complete clarity and relief that the episode is over, and that I made it through - that I'm ok, and that I can enjoy the small joys again. I took this short video to capture the moment, with Tellier's song as the backtrack. While my condition sucks, I'm realizing that one way to stay grounded in my day-to-day life is appreciating the fact that my dpdr allows me to value the small things even more; I just have to put things in perspective.

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9/28: YouTube Informational

This is a YouTube video about dp/dr narrated by Hank Green. Once again, Hank mentions the theme that depersonalization and derealization are mechanisms the brain uses to protect the mind from potential threats. One thing that he mentioned is that when we’re dreaming, we have this feeling when we pick things up in our dreams that help us identify that we’re drawing; something isn’t quite right, and the characteristics of the objects in the dream are slightly off somehow. Another thing Hank mentions is a study that used skin conductance as a measure (when you’re threatened, you sweat, and water is a good conductor). When the scientists looked at the data, they found that those predisposed to depersonalization (a sense of detachment from oneself and one's identity) showed normal skin conductance when someone else got a blood test, but decreased conductance when someone was about to perform a test on them. Basically, that means that their brains were making everything seem farther away and less real, with their physiological response showing it. For those who experience derealization (when things or people around seem unreal), their threat response was only lessened when they saw someone else experience the blood test. Even though the threat wasn’t aimed at them, their brain still wanted to protect them from the possibility, so it caused them to experience their environment as less real. Hank also mentions that dp/dr can be managed with psychotherapy, but that the usual treatments aren’t effective. One method that seems promising is called repeated transcranial magnetic stimulation, or rTMS, and it uses powerful magnets to disrupt the electrical activity of small brain areas. Specifically, using rTMS on a brain region called the right temporoparietal junction seems to help symptoms, but this was only in a small study of 12 patients that suffered from dp/dr.

The reason I chose this specifically is because I grew up watching Hank Green study videos; there’s a sense of nostalgia and homey-ness to him. His reference to dreams got me thinking; when I’m in that state of dp/dr, I sleep constantly. But the weird thing is, I don’t think I have any dreams when I’m going through an episode of dp/dr. Sleeping is the only thing that allows me to escape the dream-like state I’m in when I’m awake. Thought that was a funny juxtaposition. The study that Hank referenced is extremely interesting; I always see dp/dr as combined, since I experience a little bit of each. But for those who experience one more than the other, this test is so fascinating in terms of their reactions to external stimuli. This is the only source so far that has mentioned that psychotherapy is not an effective treatment for dp/dr; all other sources always refer to it, but as I’ve mentioned before, it never worked for me. This also goes for my close friend who experiences dp/dr. I had no clue about this new method that could help with dp/dr; I’m finding that I’m really interested in the science/neurotransmitters behind dp/dr, because it helps me rationalize and understand what exactly happens when I’m going through an episode. I’m also realizing that I love research; knowledge is so powerful, and helps you prepare yourself for any aspect of life - it helps you think through things from a different perspective, and offers a sort of comfort that you know more about a certain subject than you did before the extensive research you went through. It’s really fulfilling and fun.

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9/28: "Disappear" Short Film

This short film about dp/dr is about a man who goes to see his therapist, mentioning that he feels like he’s going to disappear into thin air at any moment. The therapist looks at him like he’s crazy; she’s saying that it’s absolutely impossible to do so, and that his fears are irrational. She says it’s all anxiety-based. The man is absolutely terrified; he’s trying to explain to her how real the possibility of disappearing feels, frantic and afraid of what’s to come. When she asks how he would feel if he disappeared, he says that ultimately it would be fine, because at least it’s an ending to the dread that he’s currently experiencing. The therapist tells him that there’s a meaning behind what he’s experiencing; that he is getting better, that he’s becoming stronger from all of this. The man mentions that the only thing he can do is just sit around and watch the golf channel every day, because at least nothing sudden will happen. He leaves the appointment, walks through the city with the looming feeling that everyone is staring at him, and then disappears.

I relate a lot to this man’s experience with his therapist; for my first few episodes of dp/dr, I went to CAPS at Stevens. The therapist I saw there was pretty dismissive; the sessions didn’t help, and I felt as though even she was judging me. I knew it was all anxiety-based; that I was real, and that my surroundings were real, but it just felt like they weren’t. She didn’t offer much consolation, and made me feel very small. The moment where the man says that it would be fine if he disappeared hurt to watch; the feeling that everything would be better if things just ended. I only experienced this feeling once freshman year for a split second, and it is one of my strongest memories because of how scary it was to even think that. I never knew I could be that scared; that I was that desperate for the feeling to go away, no matter what it took. I haven’t felt that since then, but looking back it’s still so surprising that it got to that point, even if just for that one moment. The thing that the therapist does say that resonates with me is the idea that there is meaning behind our suffering; that we grow from our pain, and that we get to know ourselves more throughout the process. For example, my friend Tony and I have this phrase that we use/say to each other when we can’t figure something out or are going through rough times; we ask each other, “Are you suffering beautifully?”. It acts as a way to check in, take a look at the situation with a different lens, and realize that once we get out of the situation, it will have been for the better.

A last little thing I want to note for myself is the mention of watching the golf channel so nothing sudden will happen; I kind of want to analyze this feeling again here (I’ve mentioned in a previous blog post but would like to work through it a bit more). When I’m disassociated, the reason I do nothing and try to stay still is because, as I’ve said before, whenever something does move, it’s extremely difficult for me to process. For example, if a leaf falls from a tree, I look at it, it feels unreal. I have to concentrate, and confirm that it did indeed just fall. The more unexpected actions that occur, the harder it is for me to not feel like I’m going insane. Even the expected feels unexpected; I’m texting someone, and when I get a text back, I have to double check and confirm that I did just get it. It’s like a brain lag; like my processing power has slowed to a turtle’s pace. I think I get so frustrated with that because usually, my mind is racing at all times, and I love it. It lets me go into hundreds of different directions at once. This feeling, however, feels so limiting; like I’m not myself. Maybe this ties into the fear of losing who I am during an episode; as I’ve mentioned before, a big part of my personality is my optimism and general happiness. But another is that I’m all over the place most of the time; pretty chaotic, but still functioning and working with the chaos to get things done. The dp/dr takes this away from me; I can’t think as fast, as jumbled, and can’t be crazy and creative because of it.

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9/28: DPDR Podcast

This podcast is from the “They Say It Gets Better” series that talks about mental health. One of the hosts of the podcast suffers from dp/dr; she notes how difficult it is to explain to someone, and how she experiences a sort of numbness of feelings when going through an episode. Something she also notes is how it’s difficult to remember things, and that when she looks in the mirror, it’s as though she doesn’t know the person looking back at her. The other host does some research, and finds a quote from someone on reddit, saying that it kind of feels like hypnosis at times; that you can’t control your body, and that you’re on autopilot/are a robot. The host who suffers from dp/dr mentions the recurring theme that I’ve been exploring; that dp/dr is your brain’s way of protecting you, since it thinks you can handle the amount of emotions that are being thrown at you. It’s not the best way, but it does it anyway. Another thing the host mentions is that she didn’t want to be with anyone during her episode.

This podcast finally allowed me to connect with a woman who has dp/dr; so far, everyone I’ve met who’s suffered from it has been a man. One thing that she brought up that I haven’t focused as much on is the idea that when in that state, it feels really difficult to remember things. Time is non-existent (especially in my case because I’m sleeping most of the time), and when you do go out and do things, there’s this weird feeling that you can’t remember what just happened. It’s weird though; once I'm out of the episode, I remember everything relatively clearly. While this isn’t necessarily something I want to focus on for my project,one thing I do want to look more into is the idea of looking into a mirror and feeling like what you see in the reflection isn’t real. When I’m disassociated, I absolutely hate looking in the mirror; it makes me feel dizzy and absolutely confused. A final thing I took from this podcast is that when you’re going through an episode, when you see other people, you’re literally freaking out on the inside because you don’t want them to notice that you’re absolutely out of it. But the weird thing is, no one ever notices; at least for me, every time I’ve been in that state and the other person knows I am, they say they either had no clue or don’t notice a difference. It’s kind of nice because you don’t give it away, but hurts at the same time because all you want to do at that moment is scream for help.