cantantedesangre

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it's been 2 years and i let @hisangelrosalie, @fuitcormeum and @vcraisms lure me back here god help me

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Our coming of age has come and gone Suddenly this summer it’s clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near

Selective Vera from The Twilight Saga

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EMILY BROWNING as ANNA IVERS in THE UNINVITED (2009)

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Shailene Woodley photographed by Pamela Hanson for InStyle Magazine

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PAXTON SWAN

Paxton listened to her words. A small sad smile tugged at her lips at the mention of Renee basically erasing any trace of Bella in their home. She knew if she left Charlie the man wouldn’t change a thing. Their house in general had barely changed since Renee and Bella had left. Charlie was a creature of habit and wasn’t normally a fan of change. Paxton’s room would stay exactly how it was, if anything he would add small things; more comics or book he thought Pax would like or maybe a new vinyl record. “If she packed up your things…” Paxton chewed on her lower lip some gathering the courage to finish her thought, “Maybe we could get her to send something so you have them. Dad didn’t really know what to do with your room, but he tried.”

“It could just be your perspective. We all experience the same things but we each react differently to them based on our perspectives. Maybe this time you’ll come to enjoy the rain?” It was a hopeful idea. One she hoped was true. “I don’t want you completely miserable here. And if the rain is too much we could get you a stereo or find music to get on your phone so you don’t hear it as much.” Paxton watched Bella eye the photographs. She stood up and unpinned a photo of her and Angela, “This is Angela…the photographer,” She moved to offer it to Bella. “She’s one of my best friends. The least judgmental person you’ll ever meet.” Without conscience thought the Swan smiled. “I think you’ll like her. It’s kinda hard not too.” She joked.

Paxton nodded slowly at her last words, “I’ve been very lucky to have Charlie. He’s socially awkward yeah, but he always listens when I need him to and he truly cares about me no matter what. You’ll find that out…he loves you even if we haven’t all been together. He never stopped.”

"maybe...” bella chewed on the thought, imaging if she could get renee to do so. maybe if she waited until it was closer to a holiday? but maybe phil would keep on her until she sent the stuff - after all, phil did sort of owe bella now. “it’s always worth a shot to ask. maybe if i ask phil to help.... he does owe me big time now... “ bella made a mental list of some of the things she wouldn’t mind having. more of her books, that one was a given. “thanks for the idea. charlie didn’t do a bad job with the room, though. and purple’s cool.” she had noticed lots of traces of purple throughout her new room - she had never given much thought to her favorite color before, but purple could be a strong contender, now that she gave it some thought.

“i don’t know about that - enjoying the rain.” she let out a small huff of laughter. “better than snow, yes...” a scowl appeared on her features at just the thought of snow. something she wasn’t sure she would ever be ready for. “and with snow, inevitably comes ice... and ice means i get to fall on my tiny butt at least three times a day.” despite the unpleasant thought, she couldn’t help but crack the smallest of grins just thinking about what she would look like to anyone watching her. chocolate brown eyes watched as paxton pulled down a photograph and handed it to her. she reached out and took it, her fingers tracing over the bottom edge of the photograph. she studied the photo for a few moments, taking in both her sister and angela, before handing the photo back. “she looks like she’s nice... it’s in her eyes.” despite herself, she let a smile stretch lightly upon her features. but the other kids, well, she wasn’t sure about.

“i think i inherited that bit from charlie - the socially awkwardness. i think i’m only marginally better at it than he is.” she laughed lightly, and silently thanked renee for giving her what small social talent she had. “he did always let me be the one to ramble on in our phone calls. though they never did get chatty until i was, what, eleven maybe?” she thought back on it, and decided that was close to the time frame. “i’m still not sure what brought me to talk about it. but i had just gotten super deep into reading, instead of reading casually. i told him all about the books i had just finished. he would always listen so patiently and ask questions. i feel kind of bad that i didn’t talk much about what else was going on in my life outside of books, though.”

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PAXTON SWAN

“Some, but not all of them.” Paxton tried to reason. Her negative feelings were aimed not only at Bella and Renee, but also herself. The ones for herself were a labyrinth; feelings of not being enough, of not doing enough, of just…not enough on different levels. Anxiety and depression were a bitch like that. Eventually, Pax had simply focused on the outward factors and run with them. Having Bella in front of her though it made her realizing giving you had added to the issues they now faced. “What’s happened, happened. If we dwell on it and feed the negative it will only get worse. Does part of me want to be selfish and hang on to it? Yeah. I was being petty maybe when I let dad come get you on his own. I’ll admit that. But this was also a sudden change I wasn’t emotionally ready for. Things here are usually a steady constant. The only changes I’ve ever had to deal with are ones I cause for myself.”

Maybe it was a control thing, having to be the one to initiate change, positive or negative. Paxton wasn’t sure. The teen was always onboard for a change of plans that happened in an instant or other minor changes in her life. But the changes happened with people she trusted. Bella’s decision to move here hadn’t even been discussed with Paxton, she had simply been told. She took a breath to refocus out of her thoughts and shook Bella’s hand. A chuckle passed her lips at her twin’s words, “There’s a reason I go by Paxton instead of Josefina. Don’t have a clue what they were thinking when they named us.” She joked, her eyes becoming more blue as the tension slightly faded from the room.

She let Bella’s hand drop before she motioned to the bed if Bella wanted to sit as she moved back toward the computer chair, “I haven’t ever been anywhere with a different climate. This is all I’ve know.” She glanced over her shoulder to above her desk that had a bulletin board filled with photographs; some of La Push with Leah, some from all around Forks with Ang, Charlie, or her other friends, and then some that were just different landscape shots. “My friend Angela is a photographer or well she wants to be. Some weekends we’ll just go out, explore around and see what we can find. It’s beautiful if you know where to look.” She looked back at her sister. “Being out here—free from overwhelming population numbers and packed buildings…it’s good for my soul, my head.” Another half shrug, “The rain calms me. The beat or rhythm of it helps me focus and center myself. And the days we do have sun feels like a recharge. Summer months aren’t too bad here. It gets warm enough to swim or go riding. In short, it’s home.”

a faint blush started to blot her fair cheeks as she listened to her sisters words. she supposed she had deserved to hear the truth - no matter if the words stung ever so slightly. for most of her life, bella had been living in her own little bubble, wrapped up in herself and renee - sometimes it had been more like raising renee than the other way around. but bella wasn’t sure if paxton would understand that - after all, paxton hadn’t been exposed to renee’s ways like she had been. it had shaped bella in the deepest of ways - she had grown up when she was still a child, learning to take care of herself, and caring for renee as well. it had forced everyone else to the back of bella’s priority list, until the list had become so ripped and torn that only the pair remained on it.

“i suppose you’re right. dwelling on the past has never made the world magically change. the only thing left to do is move forward.” bella slowly inched her way towards paxton’s bed, before sitting gingerly at the edge, her hands creeping over the fabric, taking in the feel. “you know, i bet renee will have my room changed into something else before the week is over. no traces of me left behind. as it was, before we left for the airport, she made me help her squeeze my bed and everything i didn’t bring into the garage.” she laughed a dry laugh, a sudden mixture of feelings temporarily taking over - happiness at the thought of her mother, sadness at the thought of her mother, disappointment that her stuff was already out of her old room, frustration. but they dissipated soon enough, and her eyes soon moved to the bulletin board her sister was talking about. some of the photographs were really good, she noted. she was shocked that some of those photographs had been taken in forks, or even in the state. but she wasn’t ready to accept defeat over her sourness at the weather - not yet.

“i remember the rain here. it’s not..... consistent enough for me. the sound always drove me nuts when i was here - i never could sleep through it. it’s nothing like the sound of the rain back home...” her eyes refocused on the bulletin board, taking in every face she saw on there, wondering who everyone was. “your photographer friend, she has talent....” a pause. “i’m glad it’s good for you here... i’m glad you and charlie had each other. less lonely...”

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INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY CELEBRATION ♡ Day One: Favorite Celebrity ↳ Alicia Vikander

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let’s talk about transformation (& bella’s pregnancy) today, shall we? today’s specific topic is about the physical transformation.

in the books, it talks about esme’s transformation - it happened quite closely after she gave birth, and she still has that little pudge of post-partum stomach going on, which stayed with her after her transformation. likewise, alice was very malnourished due to her time in a mental hospital, and she stayed such after her transformation.

but bella? she’s very malnourished and practically skin and bones due to her pregnancy with renesmee. after her transformation? she goes back to her normal self.

this makes zero sense.

so, this is what i’m changing for my blog.

during bella’s pregnancy, while she does lose weight and become thinner, it does not go to the extremes in the book/movies. once the cullens discover that blood will help bella regain strength, this is used to their advantage. they have bella hooked up to a continuous iv where she receives blood 24/7, and as often as possible, bella is sipping on blood (gross, right?). this combination helps bella gain weight and gain some strength back in her body - she’s by no means back to her former self, but she doesn’t look like she’s on death’s door either.

when she transforms, it changes nothing.

that’s right, bella is getting the same treatment from me that esme, alice, and whoever else got from smeyer. no special treatment here, folks!

stay tuned for my next chat, which will cover the topic of bella’s state as a newborn - and will have lots of changes.

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PAXTON SWAN

Paxton watched her twin’s eyes as they took in her room. Part of her felt a millisecond of guilt for not doing more in Bella’s room, but it was quickly erased. She wouldn’t have known what to put in the room, didn’t know the other well enough to even attempt to make it feel more like home. She did also note the way Bella seemed to be chewing on her lower lip, “If you want to come in more you can…” The words less guarded, but still distant. She turned her computer chair more and opened her body language as much as her anxiety would let her.

The words took a moment to process, to realize she’d been somewhat right on why Bella really was here. It almost surprised Paxton at the small pain that went through her chest. Bella was here to make Renee’s life better, no other reason than that. Logically Pax had known that and even understood it. She’d do it for Charlie if it was ever needed. “I figured it was something like that,” If Bella is going to be honest so could she. “Forks is a required taste for most; the constant rain, small town vibes…it’s not somewhere people flock to live.” A half shrug as Paxton tried to relax back into her chair more. “I also didn’t think you’d been missing Charlie enough to make a drastic life change.” Her words weren’t as sharp as her thoughts about the topic had been. She didn’t include herself in that statement because she knew she didn’t have too.

Greg-blues glanced to the floor, “Miserable is a strong word.” Sure, her anxiety and mental status had been in a whirlwind since hearing the news—she’d made herself miserable really. But that didn’t mean it had to continue. “It feels that way though,” Again she rubbed the back of her neck, head tilted slightly. “I can’t blame you for my own feelings, even if it would be easier to do that.” Paxton looked back up toward Bella. “We’ve had separate lives, experiences…I don’t know you at all and you don’t know me.” Her jaw twitched as she tried to ground her thoughts. “But maybe with time,” Paxton repeated her words with a nod.

“Baby steps. Maybe start without the expectation of being siblings?” Paxton stood from her chair, hand extended toward Bella. “I’m Paxton, my friends call me Pax.”

heat flowed through bella’s face, a pink blush settling into her features as she realized she had been caught in her nosy state. the only saving grace was that paxton didn’t seem very angry over the fact, otherwise she would be a mortified red. very slowly, bella inched her way forward into paxton’s room. she couldn’t help but feel like she was intruding on paxton’s space -- and worse than that -- on paxton’s peace and sanctuary. it suddenly occurred to her that she hadn’t known her twin had an interest in music, and she hadn’t known her twin could play any instruments, either.

silently, bella let these growing thoughts simmer in the back of her mind as she listened to paxton’s words. though there was distance in both of their tones, bella noted that her twin sounded slightly different in person than over the phone -- or maybe it was bella’s own ears that the difference came from -- she was almost ashamed to admit to herself that every time she spoken with her twin on the phone, her mind was elsewhere -- thinking of what to make for dinner, thinking of her homework, or wondering where renee was going to drag her off to on the next weekend. she had, she realized, never given an honest effort to be a good sister to paxton, or a good daughter to charlie. it had never seemed important to her before -- she went with what her mother had chosen and never thought twice about it.

“i think . . . some of those feelings may be warranted after all, though.” she shrugged her shoulders lightly. it was a hard truth to realize, but it wasn’t entirely her fault, either. the blame was shared on many shoulders -- in her mind, at least. but she still managed the tiniest of grins as she reached out, took her twin’s hand lightly in her own, and shook it. “i’m isabella. but i will happily kill anyone who calls me by that instead of bella.” her eyes alighted with silent laughter -- shocking even herself -- but she hoped it would help lighten the tension. she dropped paxton’s hand, letting more of her thoughts slip between her lips. they were trivial words, but something bella was very, strangely, bitter about -- though she managed to keep that bitterness out of her voice.

“it’s too green here.” she sheepishly looked paxton in the face. “how do you stand it being so cold and wet? i’m already craving the sun...”

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disco drop for the mutuals! swanballs#9051

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PAXTON SWAN.

Paxton had heard the old cruiser park out front, doors opened and closed before the sound of two sets of footsteps on the stairs. The teen sighed but didn’t move from her computer chair, electric guitar in her lap with her notebook of lyrics open in front of her on the desk. She rolled her neck counting to ten in her head. She wasn’t ready to emotionally handle all of this yet. The small time she’d had after school hadn’t done much to settle her, the milkshake on her desk not even half way gone.

The Swan knew it was only a small matter of time before her father or twin entered her domain, gunmetal blues glanced around her room; the large collection of books—classics, rare classics that a certain blonde had helped her collect, graphic novels and comics, some unknown and bought online for all over the world, and books about world travel and other cultures—lined more than a few bookshelves, collectible vinyls carefully stored and organized, posters from older movies and indies on her walls, along with some music equipment. An extra guitar, electric drum set synced with her laptop, and electric piano all in one corner. This room was going to be her only place of solace from now on.

She heard Bella’s steps before her words. Paxton closed her eyes for a moment, shoulders straighten. One more slow exhale and she placed her guitar down, her tattooed hand on show as she did so. She knew the music notes behind her left ear were also on show with how her shorter hair was pulled back into a small ponytail, along with her gauges in her lobes. Paxton turned the chair to face Bella, taking her in after all this time. She was shorter than Paxton, just as thin framed but less muscled, her body language just as uncomfortable as Paxton felt. “Stuck…” The brunette muttered but had to nod once in agreement. “Guess so…” One hand went to rub the back of her neck as her right knee started to bounce some.

“It was your idea to come back though, right?” She asked.

"hmm.” it was a sound -- the best she could manage to get out in a timely manner. her eyes roved curiously over the room, taking an interest primarily in the large collection of books her twin appeared to have. so that was one thing they had in common, then -- reading. in the depths of bella’s mind, the question buzzed, asking whether that was something they could bond over someday. she was standing too far away, and her eyes were too hazed over with tired emotions to be able to read any of the titles -- though she made a mental note to take a better look at them next time she happened to be in paxton’s room -- whenever that might be.

pearly teeth were silently chewing on her bottom lip -- a habit she never noticed was taking place until she felt the sharp, bitter iron on her taste buds. finally, she willed the strength to divert her eyes back upon her twin’s face -- a face so unfamiliar to her -- a face that should be the most familiar to her. in that moment, the realization dawned on her. while her coming here filled charlie with joy, it did not fill either of the twins with joy. no, this would not be easy on either of them. her soft eyebrows flitted together in concentration, a soft v appearing in her skin between them.

what else could she say, except perhaps the hard truth? would paxton care about the truth, or even understand where that hard truth was coming from? if there was any other way to make her mother -- her best friend -- happy, without making the life of her twin complicated, she would gladly have done so. she was anything but selfish -- even if that meant sacrificing her own happiness to please others, in even the most rudimentary of ways. and it was that trait about her that landed her in forks to begin with -- leaving only renee, charlie, and phil happy. her own happiness didn’t matter that much to her, and she wasn’t sure if that was a bad thing.

“i did it for renee, you know. she wasn’t happy, staying home with me instead of taking off with phil. i did this for her. phil and charlie are just reaping some benefits from that decision, i suppose.” she paused, her eyes flitting back down towards the floor, her teeth once more gnawing on soft, tender bleeding lips. “we might both be miserable from that decision, but maybe with time...” she let the thought flitter away into the air between them, the rest of the sentence unfinished, yet hanging in the air heavily between them.

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closed starter for @jpswan​

bella felt absolutely nothing as the police cruiser pulled up in front of charlie’s house -- her house now, too. she hadn’t bothered to feel the dread, as far as she was concerned, dreading the event before it happened was just as bad as going through it twice. no, she was certain she would feel the dread later -- on the morning of her first day at forks high school, perhaps. she couldn’t even muster up any feeling at the prospect of seeing her twin again -- wasn’t paxton supposed to be her other half? and yet, here they were, practical strangers how happened to share a last name, some dna, and now -- a house.

bella was anticipating this being a rough evening -- a rough week wouldn’t be pushing it, either. she couldn’t even remember the last time she had talked to paxton -- either the last holiday or their birthday, and those conversations were awkward and painful at best. they had grown up so far apart, and so differently, they had never managed to hit it off. it certainly didn’t help that bella and renee had more-or-less decided on their own to stop bella’s yearly summer visits to forks -- and neither of them stopped to think how it would make charlie or paxton feel.

as quiet and awkward as the car ride from the airport had been with charlie, bella could only imagine how her evening would go over with paxton. bella silently chewed on her bottom lip, her one hand clutching a small cactus -- a momento to remind her of home -- as she climbed out of charlie’s cruiser. silently, her gaze lifted up to the windows on the second floor, a sharp intake of breath the only sound to be heard, before she grabbed her stuff out of the trunk -- or what charlie would let her carry -- and she stalked up and into the house.

after she deposited her things into her new room, and indulging herself in a few moments of self pity and self resignation, bella let her legs lead her down the hall, stopping wearily outside the door of her twin sister’s room. her hands were tightly mashed together, her fingers dangerously twisting and turning with forced intensity as she forced herself to speak, the words fumbling out into existence. “hey... guess we’re finally stuck with other again, huh?”

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+ BONUS

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TWILIGHT (2008)

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