cantitbeme

[cantitbeme]

See you

I’m seeing you again today. 

I was very excited about it, but I don’t know how I feel now. I used to feel like I was gonna melt when I saw you and beg you to come back to me. Now I feel numb. I don’t feel anything. I wanted to ask you if you loved me, if you still think we might get back together in the future. Now I’m not sure I even want that, so should I ask you?

I guell I’l know when I see you. Ultimately, that’s why I want to see you.

May 6th, 2023

[cantitbeme]

Still a mess.

I know this is not healthy. 

Weekends are awful. I wonder what you’re up to. I wonder whether you miss me, our relationship, our dynamics, our affection. Do you open our whatsapp chat to talk to me and then think “better not”? I do.

I miss your affection so much. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss how you used to look at me, like you really loved me. I think that’s why it’s been so difficult for me, because (I think) you still loved me when we broke up. I think you still love today, but you’re better at avoiding your feelings than I am. I’ve always been an overthinker. So here you have me, revisiting every memory, ever time I miss you. Looking at our pictures together, our holidays together, we seemed so happy and that’s what makes it so difficutl. We were happy. But, you also weren’t. That’s very confusing for me.

I still love you and I want to believe you still love me too. I want to be with you again. I want to wait for you. I want you to be ready to be with me again. I feel like I’ll be waiting for you forever. You say you want to be friends... but how can you be friends with me after being lovers for 7 years, or is it that you don’t really love me anymore? or is it that you stopped loving me long before we broke up? I wish you were honest and answer that with the truth.

I can’t be friends with you unless I stop loving you in a romantic way. Because I do believe I will always love you, no matter what. Maybe at some point I’ll stop loving you romantically, but I’ll still love you. 

I feel like I want to yell at you and make you feel bad for making me feel this msierable. But at the same time I want to hug you and say I forgive and wish you the best, becasue I honestly do. But I also feel miserable.

I wish I could know what’s inside your mind... Do you feel as lost as I do? Are you happier now? Do you think of me and say “good riddance” or do you feel sad for the family we never got the chance to be?

I feel like I could cry all day long just thinking about you and everything that happened. I know I have to stop, I just don’t know how to. 

Next saturday we’ll meet in person, at my request. You proposed going to the cinema. I must admit I feel a little bit reluctant to that because it feels too much like a date to me. But I’d love to go on a dat with you, even if the feeling is one sided. How pathetic is that, huh? idc

Anyway, I mainly want to see you. Will I still feel like hugging you and kissing you? or have I moved on a little bit? (I kinda already know the answer).

I want to ask you if you still think we can be together again... I hope you say yes, I’m so willing to wait for you. I know there are many variables, and you might say say but you might change your mind later. I get that. I accept that. 

I’m also very aware that my feelings may change, too. I may not want you back when you’re ready. But... I know myself... I know I’ll be stuck loving you for a long long time. My only concern is... how will I feel (if you do decide to come back) knowing you did stuff with other people? Will I be ok with that? Would you give up on that to be with me? Am I worth it?

Worst case scenarios:

1. You realize you don’t want to be with me anymore, you have way more fun living a different lifestyle, you completely forget about me.

2. You do want to be with me after figuring your stuff out, you do stuff with other people, but find out you still want to be with me. Only problem, I can’t get over the fact that you were with other people, so we can’t be together.

Best case scenarios:

1. Next Saturday when we see each other you tell me you want to get back together and work on our issues.

2. In a couple of month we get back together, start again, work on our issues, you gave up to being with other people.

- I wish I could have certainties about the future. -

May 1st, 2023

[cantitbeme]

you probably didn’t

I wish you read these posts, did you ever save this url?

[cantitbeme]

I wish you read these posts, did you ever save this url?

[cantitbeme]

15-04-2023

I don’t want to go into crisis mode again, I start spiriling and it’s not healthy. 

I feel like I’ll never be completely fine again, unless I’m with you. But that’s probably not true. I just can’t see a way out of this sadness, emptiness and hopelessness. 

I feel like I cannot really accept the idea of us not being together anymore, not really. I’ve made a lot of efforts in order to accept that, but then I rememer how happy I used to be with you.

It broke my heart when you told me you weren’t happy back then. I would have done anything to make you feel happy.

Today’s exactly three months since the worst day of my life. 

I honestly feel like I don’t know what I want. Most days now I feel ok, I don’t think about you as much as I did a month ago. But I miss the things we did as a couple, how you made me feel, seeing your face, hearing your laugh. I miss having someone to talk to on a daily basis, to confide in, to give me support. I want to have that again and I’ve thought about having it with someone else. I don’t feel ready to try anything with anyone. I feel like I’ll never have what we had with anyonse else, that’s probably true. 

I don’t want to start something with someone new just to find out they’re assholes. I’m probably just holding on the idea of you. I swear of you called me now and told me too meet you, I wouldn’t even think about it, I’d get ready and go wherever you told me. I’m that stupid. 

I don’t know what to do. I wanna see you and talk to you.

After three months I might be still in denial.

[cantitbeme]

13-04-2023

I watched Howl’s moving Castly for the first time in a while. I cried like a baby. Last time, we watched it together... and I felt like I was Sophie and you were my Howl... Now I feel so empty. Still so lost.

[cantitbeme]

Fueron 7 años de mi vida junto a ti y pensé que iban a ser el resto de ellos también. Por eso duele tanto.

[cantitbeme]

Do you ever think about me?

[cantitbeme]

Still can’t believe everything’s that happening.

[cantitbeme]

I don’t think I’ll ever find the right person again, because I foud you. I thought you were my right person.

Turned out you weren’t.

[cantitbeme]

Hope

I want to be hopeful that I'll be able to buy a house, that I'll be able to get a new(er) car... I'll be working towards those goals this year.

I just want a quiet happy life, you know? I don't need fancy stuff or travel around the world.. I just want peace, a place that's my own, with my own rules...

I want to watch movies and listen to music loudly while I sing off-key. I want to learn new things. 

I want my job to be fulfilling but not to take all of my life and energy.

I want to be a mom, but I'm a little hopeless about that for now...

[cantitbeme]

I hate that I see you everywhere. In every movie I watch, in every song I listen to... In every couple I see us, what we used to be. In every family with babies I see what we could’ve had. And I hate you for leaving me.

[cantitbeme]

Mary Oliver, from Devotions; “Percy (Nine)”

[cantitbeme]

I keep on repeating “There’s no point” in my entries. It’s like I’m trying to convince myself.

[cantitbeme]

19-03-2023

I wish you’d tell me you miss me. I wish you’d tell me how hard this is for you. I want to hear you’re sad, not because you being sad makes me feel good.

I want to hear you’re sad, and this’s been difficult for you too, and you miss me because it tells me our realtionship was important to you. That I’m not here suffering alone. That you’re also not ok. That what we had mattered. That you also miss me being around. I miss so much you being around. Feeling loved and cared for. 

I want to know you enjoyed our afternoons together, our dinners, our walks through the park, because god, I miss them. I miss you. I miss your smell, how soft your skin is, you mouth, your kisses, everything. And I want you to miss me too.

I want you to feel sad of how all the plans we had together are now ruined. That none of that is gonna happen. Again, it’s not that I want to see you sad, but I want to know that you cared. That you also wanted that, so it makes you sad.

I also want to move on, I really do, but I don’t know how.

I constantly wonder if I had done anything different then we would still be together. If I hadn’t pushed the marriage thing. If I hadn’t moved in with you. If I hadn’t been so pushy. If I had let you do the thing you were into. I feel like my only boundary was involving other people... so that was the real deal breaker. Somehow I feel so guilty. 

I know we’re not getting back together, even though I still want to... I hope that soon I stop wanting that.

I don’t know why I want to know you miss me and you’re sad if we’re not getting back together. Maybe deep down I still have hope (I know I shouldn’t), but it’s so difficult to let go of a seven-year-relationship. 

I also know there’s no point in me saying I miss you, because I want you to be with me again and I feel that’s why I tell you. But I also know it’s not gonna happen, yet I still want you to know. 

I’m so confused about how I feel. I’m incredibly sad and angry at the same time. I want to tell you all the angry feeling I have, but then when I see you, or when I think about seeing you all I feel is sadness and emptiness... and then anger that you didn’t choose me, but then that feeling makes me sad again...

I know there’s no point, but I wish there was. 

[cantitbeme]

12-03-2023

I missed you a lot today. The weather wasn’t too hot, I was actually cold in the morning. Cold days make me miss you. They have always made me crave you, even when we were together but not living together. Cold days make me want your hugs, feel your soft warm skin. Winter’s gonna be tough. I wanted to talk to you so badly. I wanted to tell you that tomorrow I start uni and how much I appreciated you helping me last year to deal with all the stress. I wanted to tell you that I have to like present a proposal and I’m so nervous. I don’t feel prepared or capable. I wish I could hear your encouraging words. You always believed in me, even more than I believed in myself.

I wanted to text you so badly today, but I’m trying not to. There’s a Taylor Swift song (of course) that says

“And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do”

And I feel it in my heart. I open your chat multiple times a days, almost write you. But then, what’s the point really? What’s the point in me saying how much I miss you, how much I appreciated you, detailing everything I miss about you. There’s no point. That won’t make you come back to me. I almost lost all my hopes already. Almost. I don’t want to make you feel bad either for hurting me. I know you’re hurting too. So there’s no point really.

I wish I could make you love me more. I wish I could make you choose me. I wish I was enough. Unfortunately, I cannot and I’m not.

I’ll just miss you forever.

[cantitbeme]

09-03-2023

Today’s your birthday and it breaks my heart not being there with you to give you a big hug and lots of kisses. I wish I was there for you on your special day. Now we won’t celebrate our birthdays together ever again... Moments like this make realize how definte our break up is. 

I wanted to make your birthday special this year, I had been thinking since after christmas what I could do for you today... I had never thrown you a party or done anything outstanding... and I kinda wanted to do it this year, ironic, isn’t it?

Maybe I knew we weren’t good and I wanted to make things good somehow.

Even now that we aren’t together I had thought about sending you a breakfast gift. I wasn’t sure it that was a good idea, so I asked for advice (on reddit.. yeah, I know) and everyone thought it wasn’t a good idea and since I’m new with this breaking up stuff I listened to them. Funny how not even one person encouraged me to do it... so I got the memo.

Anyway, I’m obviously making this about me, I’m sorry. In my defense I wanted to make today special for you, but now we’re not together and I’m feeling all my feelings while you’re probably on the internet, with your internet friends having fun not even thinking about me. 

That’s fine, that’s how it should be anyway. You having a nice day. I really do want that even though I’m mad and hurt. I do hope you enjoy your day, and your long weekend.