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I made a jawa 😊

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I feel like being a woman is a trap. One I didn't make , see coming or even really know about or understand until it was to late. I want to just be able to be myself and be happy but I can't. There are a million reasons why but it basically boils down to no matter what I do I will be Judged . Judged harshly, completely, thoroughly by everyone. It seems like everyone and their freaking dog has something to say about women, about every damn thing we do, say, think, feel, experience. Makes me tired.

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Spring

The bees. The bees have returned. They're everywhere 🤤🤤

#spring #imallergictobees

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Putting out maximum effort , trying to keep it all together . All I want to do is eat tacos 🌮🌮 snuggle under my blanket and watch t.v. 📺.

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To all the toxic ones

Fuck toxic people and their bullshit!!! Just fuck you, you know who you are, you fucking waste of oxygen. Childish piece of frog puke!!!! Selfish slug shit parasite. I truly loathe your existence and hope the pain you've inflicted on others visits you triple fold. I hope you spend eternity writhing in the lowest pits of hell. May all the things you worship and hold dear turn to dust and ash in front of you.

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Random shit in my head

I hate the hole people leave in you and your life when they're gone. It's such a specific shape, like nothing else fits there. What the hell am I supposed to do with it. Like that spot in my life was made just for your shape and now it's all empty and I can't fit anything else in that you shaped spot , so now I just have this big empty hole and it sucks.

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Rollercoaster

Today was a rollercoaster

Low, no energy, darkness, one step at a time, just keep moving

click, click ,click

Keep going, get dressed, coffee, eat, keep moving

click , click , click

Phone ringing, a friend, a smile, light , going up

click , click, click, click

Happiness , laughter , connection, good memories, lightness

whee! , whoosh , roar, click, clack,clack, clack

Belonging, not alone, loved, needed, wanted, good

Clack clackclackclack , click, click, click , click.

Night, tired, shower, alone with my mind, darkness creeping back, sleep

Click.

Today was a rollercoaster

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That special moment when you choke on Air for no apparent reason

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Today was a good day

Winning the war one battle at a time

Stringing together good moments like luminescent pearls

A kiss , a laugh, a hug, good food, warm tea, comfy blankets

The light that shines from them held fast to my chest

Chasing away the creeping darkness

Keep stringing them together these good moments

My armor shining so bright I'm ready again

Winning the war one battle at a time

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Depression

See here's the thing about clinical depression, it's not the single tear on the cheek, looking off into the distance, Hollywood stereotype. It's also Not, I repeat NOT a isolated event / episode. It's not something you "just get over " it's not " cured " with meds or talk therapy. I wish people would understand that when you have depression you live with it everyday....Every.Single.Day.

For me it's like living with a demon in my head who sounds just like me. Everyday using my voice to tear me down, telling me to give up , telling me to die. Each day is different, sometimes demon me is loud and strong, sometimes demon me is nothing but a whisper. The point is it's there everyday waging war in my mind and for my life. This shit is exhausting .