capcomgrl

[capcomgrl]

Poc thinsp00

[capcomgrl]

been so upset recently

arguing w boyfriend

fatter than ever

Just having a hard time finding any moment of relaxation or peace. There is no relief. Got fucked over at my job and now i’m struggling to pay any bills. Always on edge. Anxiety medication makes me drowsy into the next day. Can’t sleep if me and bf are arguing. We argued because i got slightly triggered in the car, I’m sensitive to gore and he was pretending to cut my thigh with his fingers and staple me. Ive asked him not too before. I had an interview earlier so i was a little high strung. I got upset & asked him to just say a quick sorry, bc he got super quiet. And thats how we stayed for 30 mins. He told me he gets frustrated and doesnt like feeling like he has to always apologize for something. That it happens too much. He still didnt say sorry, only when I asked twice. And then I comforted him instead of him comforting me. Then I had to go to work. I’m currently a server and that has been another hell in itself. I’m just super nervous and anxious but thats how ive been all the time recently. Theres never something to not be freaking out about. If im happy I cant be because im fucking fat and ugly. Why has this always been my life man. I didn’t ask for these things to happen that led me here and made me have these vicious emotions and thoughts. I think about dying a lot. I had a psychologist tell me he thinks I’m schizotypal. Fuck man I’m just weird but not in the cute way. Not in the still lovable way. Different but interesting. i'm awful. i have a hard time talking to anyone. and its getting worse as I get older. i just want it to stop. trying to fix these problems i have just made it easier to gain all my weight back. i got even fatter when i went inpatient for my overeating. its been two years and I have only lost 10 lbs. i just dont wanna be fat anymore i hate using food for comfort or food to cope for me. i hate always having to have some kind of noise playing because I cant just be alone and do one thing silently. i cant read i cant draw. i feel my fat cushioning everywhere around me every time i move. my bf is stressed bc he is having to pay for all of the bills. ive never been job insecure but of course when i finally move out of my moldy health hazard house my job starts giving me 5 hrs a week. i couldnt believe it. i cant just be happy. im always causing a problem or starting something or just not happy enough. i cant even be alone with myself. i'll k myself I hate myself. its not getting better for me its only getting worse. i just want to be able to function the way most people can. he will be home soon and he'll notice im not as energetic or happy. he'll want to talk about it but not really. he'll want me to make him feel better about me feeling upset. i cant do it right now. whats wrong with me. i cant shower but my problems with cleanliness are getting worse. i cant get in my bed or wear my pajamas if im not showered even if its only been a day. i do my best it never takes more than 10 minutes but it feels awful. to look at me and to remember what that fuck ass counselor told me about my showering. that it only makes sense why i avoid the shower. why did she have to make that connection for me. i think about it every time i shower. i feel crazy. i feel like it will never go away. it gets harder to deal with. i will start school soon and i am excited for that. and i have a very sweet cat. and my partner and i do have our good moments. i just wish I could make everything fit together better.

[capcomgrl]

Recipes --

Hey, I plan to add to this as I go, this is just gonna be an ever changing index of recipes that can be looked through. These are a mix of recipes I have found from other people, some with my own edits, and some without - each have a link to the corresponding post.

Breakfasts -

Pancakes - 184/148cals total for 4-6 pancakes

Banana Waffles - 80-100cals per serving (makes 4-5 servings)

Crepes - 52cals per serving (makes 6 servings)

Soups -

Carrot and Ginger Soup - 118cals per serving (and total)

Savoury Meals -

Chana Masala (Chickpea Curry) - 189cals per serving (makes 2 servings)

Shakshuka - 124cals per serving (and total)

Grilled Lime Chicken - 156cals per serving (makes 2 servings)

Snacks/Desserts -

Cooked Cinnamon Apple - 35-75cals per serving (depends on size of apple)

Small Chocolate Mug Cake - 50cals total

Banana Muffins - 108cals per serving (makes 6 servings)

Carrot Cake Muffins - 98cals per serving (makes 6 servings)

Chocolate Cupcakes - 100 per serving (makes 12 servings)

Apple Pie Cookies - 95 per serving (makes 12 servings)