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Accepting apologies and forgiving others

When someone offends you and they come to you to apologise, what is your response? Recently, I have spoken to a couple of people on this subject, so I felt like blogging about it today to share it further.

If you're anything like me, the words "that's okay" or "no worries" quickly escape from your mouth before you even think about it. Until just under a year ago, in the moment that someone was apologising to me, I wouldn't register all of the pain and emotion that I had felt when they had upset me. Before they would come to me to apologise, in my head I had already given them several excuses for their behaviour ("it's okay, they only did it because of ... and so I'll let them off") and more often than not apportioned most of the blame to myself ("what they did upset me, but that's my issue not theirs" or "they only did that because I...").

But here's the thing...I realised over a year ago that my knee-jerk "it's okay" response was not always appropriate, and a change in my response started, which I am still growing in today. Sure, there are times when people apologise, and really they have done nothing wrong nor offended you, so saying "it's okay" is appropriate. But what about times where the other person has done something wrong and have in some way upset or offended you? Is that really okay?

The Bible says that we are to forgive people when they wrong us. (Colossians 3: 13 "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.") It's interesting to note that it doesn't say 'forget' or 'excuse' or 'blame yourself' but instead it says 'forgive'. God forgave us, and is the only One who has the right to judge others. When we forgive, we are not saying that what the person did was okay, nor are we saying it was our fault not theirs. We are recognising that what they did was wrong and hurt us, but it is not our place to judge them for what they did; but God's.

In doing so, we are releasing them, and ourselves at the same time. A lady called Joyce Meyer says that "unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping that the other person dies". Have you ever experienced that feeling: when you haven't forgiven someone for something? It's like being eaten up on the inside? Maybe some of you will relate more to this than to my "it's okay" response. Maybe there's someone that springs to mind right now that you know you haven't forgiven. If that's the case, then maybe it's time to take some time out to decide to forgive them. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you to forgive them. Don't let your unforgiveness poison you on the inside.

For those of you like me, something different is happening when you respond to apologies. When you say "it's okay", what you're saying is that you're not valuable or worthy of being treated in the right way. You're giving the other person permission to continue behaving in that way towards you. The fact of the matter is that you are valuable, and that you don't deserve to be treated in that way. Don't devalue yourself by continuing to say "that's okay" when the person's apology is valid and needs to be accepted rather than brushed off.

Now that I have realised my value, my response is different. When someone apologises to me, I experience a brief moment where my mind pauses to think. That small change is crucial to me, as it means my response is now considered rather than done immediately without thought. In that moment, my mind questions the apology: "Is this a moment where I need to say 'that's okay' because what they have done really is okay, or do I need to forgive them?"

In some situations, I say "that's okay, don't worry about it"...for example, in a time where a friend had to leave a party early as she wasn't feeling well, I said "that's okay" because she wasn't upsetting me or doing anything wrong, she did in fact need to get some rest. It really was okay. But in moments where I need to accept the apology and forgive that person, my response is now worded differently. In those moments, I now say "apology accepted" or "I forgive you" and I make the conscious choice to forgive that person rather than just brush it off. In that moment, I am asking the Holy Spirit to help me give the appropriate response.

I am still on a journey with this. There are times when I have that pause moment and I'm not sure which response is needed, and so I have to take some time out to process it before I can come back to the person later. There are also times where I pause and still say "that's okay" and realise later that I should have responded differently. But that's okay, I'm still learning.

How do you respond when someone apologises to you? Do you need to respond differently? Can you take the small step of allowing a 'pause' to happen in your mind, giving you time to consider your response? Can you give yourself grace (i.e. not beat yourself up) when your response isn't appropriate?

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I love autumn!

I love autumn, with all of its beautiful colours! I’m not sure which season is my favourite, but I think autumn is right up there along with spring and summer. (Okay, there’s only four seasons, so I’m only leaving out winter, but it’s a tough choice!)

Anyway, the only thing about autumn is that the weather is harsher. Sorry to all those out there who disagree, but I’m not a big fan of the high winds and rain, especially when put together. But I still think it’s the most beautiful time of year. And I don’t think that’s a coincidence – that the harsh weather and beauty are combined – I think we see the same in our lives.

Do you see the same? I think it’s easier to see in other people… I am often amazed when I see those around me in tough times, and admire the strength and beauty (among other things) that they display.

It’s more difficult when it’s closer to home though. At the moment, I have a 0 hours contract job (which I started in the hopes that it would only be a temporary measure) and although it started off okay, I’ve not been called in for a couple of weeks. This is quite frustrating, and although I know that God will provide for me in this season, I really would like to have a fixed job now, so that I have a reliable income and more fixed events in my diary, rather than the pencilled-in ‘if work don’t call me in’ bookings.

It’s so easy to wish that the situation would change, rather than to look at what is happening at that time and look at what God can use it for. James 1: 2-3  says we should “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” So, in some time I was spending with God, He reminded me of some revelation He brought me last year about autumn. I felt Him tell me to research online the science behind the different colours in the leaves (I quite like science, not going to apologise for that, and love how God speaks to us in our language =) ) and heard God speak through the number of interesting things that I found: 1/ You may know that leaves are green because of something called chlorophyll. (Don’t worry for those of you who don’t know, and are now thinking that the content of this blog is going to be too scientific…you’ll be fine!) What I didn’t know is that orangey-yellow leaves are this colour in autumn because of something called carotenoids, which is in the leaves all year round.

So why don’t the leaves always appear yellow? Because the chlorophyll masks it, and it’s only in autumn, when chlorophyll isn’t produced in these leaves, that the orangey-yellow colour has a chance to be displayed. Sometimes in life, there are character traits or gifts that we have, but that aren’t shown, because we don’t have the right opportunity to display them or because there is a focus on other things. Perhaps that season in your life does not call for its display, or perhaps you are masking it (subconsciously or deliberately). But in times of difficulty, this is when there is an opportunity for the gifts or character traits to be displayed. For example, it is only in times of difficulty that you can fully show whether you are patient or not. If you observe someone in a time that is going quickly and smoothly, you will not truly know if they are patient or not, because they can’t show it. But when difficulty comes, and a person displays patience, this is a beautiful thing. What character traits has God put in you that you can choose to display in times of difficulty?

2/ Other leaves in autumn will turn a purple-red colour. And this is because of something called anthocyanins. These are not present in the leaves all year, but develop in the late summer-time, as sugars in the leaves are broken down in the presence of bright light. It happens at this time of year because the level of a nutrient called phosphates is reduced.

Some characteristics or gifts are not always present, but are developed in preparation for difficult seasons, by the Holy Spirit in us (the bright light). They may develop in times where we are learning to adapt to change. We then see these characteristics or gifts when we go through the difficult times, and can admire the beauty of the change in that person. What has God been preparing in you that you can choose to use in this time?

3/ Autumn is also the time of harvest. It is the time where what has been sown earlier in the year, and has developed over time, is ripened and collected. It is a beautiful time of year, where we can appreciate the fruits of our labour…whether it is character that has been developed; breakthrough that we have had after much prayer; or dreams and aspirations that we have fulfilled. This takes patience in the preparation, but is worth the wait!

What changes can you see and blessings that God has given you can you be celebrating at this time of year? How can you be developing patience, in the time that you are waiting?

4/ Finally, one of the key things about autumn is that it paves the way for new growth. It is the time when seeds are scattered into the ground for new plants to grow. When the leaves fall off the trees and into the ground, the nutrients within them are taken into the soil. This makes the soil the perfect place for new growth, and so new plants spring up the following year, after much watering.

This is a bit like the pruning of the vine in John 15: 2 “…every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” If God didn’t prune those parts (if the leaves didn’t fall off the tree) then new growth would be inhibited. What aspects of your character is God pruning for future growth, and are you open for Him to do this? And so…autumn is a truly beautiful season! Now, when going through difficult times in life, I want to think about it like the season of autumn. I want to change my perspective on the way I see ‘harsh weather’ and ask myself: How can I be holding onto God in these times? What is He developing in me in this time? …Will you join me?

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Sometimes it’s the little things that make a big difference...

Something that I have been saying a lot and hearing a lot from other people recently is how much the little things that people do are actually the things that make a big difference. A bit like how we say that “a picture says a thousand words”, when communicating with people in our lives how much we care for them, it’s our little every-day actions that speak volumes. I’ve heard from a couple of people recently going through difficult times, saying that it is these things that really mean a lot to them and provide the support they need – that we can’t fix them, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t help with the small gestures we make. I think that these sorts of things are really important in building strong relationships.

It’s something I have really valued having in many of the friendships and family relationships in my life at the moment. I have always felt so loved and valued by them, because of the little things they do to show that they care. These things help to build me up, as I see that I am loved and cared for, as well as to build our friendship and make it stronger.

While pondering this the other day, a picture of a garden was brought to mind, and I thought about how in a sense our hearts and minds are like a garden (much like in the story “The Shack”…if you’ve not read this, I highly recommend it). Ultimately, I believe that God is like the gardener in this picture, as He is the One who brings us what we need, prunes us and helps us to grow…a little like the picture of the vine and the branches in John 15. But I also believe that we can play our part in this picture. We can choose in our relationships to behave in a certain way that blesses them or hurts them, and so helps the gardener or makes more work for them. When investing in your friendships, think of it as like tending a garden… - There are those who come into a garden and trample all over the grass, pick all of the flowers and even throw rubbish.  In the same way, there are people who may crush us with their words or abuse us. If you are reading this and you are in a position where you have been hurt by others or you are being abused, you do not deserve to be treated like that, and I hope and pray you are getting the help and support that you need in this time. - There are other people who will come and sit in the garden and enjoy it, but fail to tend it. These people take your time and energy but give little or nothing in return. In every-day life, it can be so easy to get busy with things and lose track of how things are going with others. I’ve been in situations before where I have been “too busy” to see friends, or my mind has been so tired or overloaded that I haven’t spent proper time investing in them. - Finally, there are those who will come and enjoy spending time in the garden, but will also take time to water it, turn over the soil, and prune the plants. These people not only enjoy spending time with you, but love and encourage you well. And I think these people take more joy in their friendships, because they have played their part in maintaining them and they appreciate each other more because they know each other better – they see more in depth, because they have explored parts of ‘the garden’ through the time they have spent on it than what the other two types of gardener would see.

Which are you like? If not the latter, know that God has grace for you and loves you, but He loves you too much to leave you where you are. You may even be in a place where you feel like you are struggling, and so don’t feel able to love people in this place. If that is you, or even if it’s not (because this is good for everyone), then can I urge you to continually connect with and receive God’s love for you. Do this because God loves you so much and wants you to know this, but it’s amazing how much more you will be able to love people as you give out of God’s love and His resources rather than your own. Whichever type of gardener you are in the picture, I believe there is always more for us in how we can show love to the people around us. I know I am not perfect at this and while I do this well in some friendships, I don’t always do it well in others, so as God has been speaking to me about this I know I want to make some changes myself in this. So, you may be asking, what are these little things? Well, below is a non-exhaustive list of examples below that I have really valued in my friendships. Some of these things are applicable to all friendships at all times, while the degree of application of others will depend on the depth of friendship and the season you are both in.

1. Get to know what they like or need and bless them with it. This can be as simple as knowing their favourite sweets and buying them for them as a surprise. Or bringing them something that will practically help them in a particular time, for example when my friend Steve heard that I had a cold so kindly thought to bring me round some lemsip, chocolate and ibuprofen. It could also look like finding out what their love language is (for those not familiar with this, see this page: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) and speaking it around them…like doing their dishes or running them a bath after a long day at work if their love language is acts of service; or writing them a note or text message with what you love about them if their love language is words of affirmation. Sometimes you might not know them so well, or you might not know what they need in a particular time. That is okay. In these situations, simply ask the question “what can I do to help you?” It shows that you want to help them and it shows care and value in giving it in the way that they need. Sometimes, the way that a friend receives love will be different to the way you receive it and may even be something that it uncomfortable for you – if you are taking the time to love someone in this way, it speaks volumes about how you care. For example, they might just want a hug, but in the tough times especially, this can be so powerful! It can be even more powerful if the person giving the hug does not generally feel comfortable giving hugs – how much love does that communicate that you care for someone so much that you are willing to communicate love to them in a way that is not natural for you.

2. Book out time to spend with them, and prioritise that time, particularly if their love language is quality time. My housemates Amy and Elodie and I have different work schedules to each other, and so often we will not see each other for a little while, or we may spend time together that has not been pre-planned but is cut short with other things going on in our lives. So something we have really valued is booking in time to see each other and making it a priority. When we spend that time together, it is uninterrupted. My housemates are so good at making sure that whenever we are spending time with one another, particularly when spending time talking together, they’re not on their phone and they don’t answer text messages or phone calls unless it’s an emergency. This shows me in action that they value the time they spend with me and they are listening and interested in what I have to say. It shows in action that they enjoy spending time with me.

3. Encourage them, in person and in writing. This is particularly important if your friend’s love language is words of affirmation, but is also important for everyone. Not only does it communicate value to someone and help them to view themselves positively, but it is also a powerful weapon against lies they may believe about themselves. My friend Ben is really good at this. He will always communicate with me how lovely it is to see me and how much he enjoys my company, and encourages me on different aspects of my character when he sees something I done or hears something I have said.

4. Take a minute to send a check-in text message or ring them on the phone for a short while. This is something I have really valued in my housemates, as they are so good at this! It cannot be underestimated how much it means to know someone is thinking of you when you’re not spending time together, particularly if you’re having a difficult time in life. If I have a week that is filled with lots of work shifts and other arrangements, which means I have no time spare to spend with certain friends, I know I can at least send them a text message to check how they are doing. While my housemate Amy was away on holiday for weeks, this was something that showed we were thinking of each other, even though we weren’t able to hang out.

5. Don’t just listen; actively listen. My friend Joy is so good at this. Whenever she listens to me, she doesn’t simply listen and nod, but asks me questions and makes comments or gives advice along the way. She is particularly good at asking questions that make me think about things differently. It shows that she really is listening to me and not simply nodding along but not really taking anything in, as well as showing that she is interested in what I have to say and supporting me in how I am doing.

What little things are you doing for your friends and family to show them that you care? How are you tending the gardens of the hearts of the friends and family in your life? How do the people in your life know that you value them and care for them? Are there areas of your life where you are forgetting the little things or communicating a lack of care? What changes can you make to address this?

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Whose approval are you living for?

A while back, I saw a music video on Facebook for the song ‘Try’ by Colbie Caillat. Recently, I was reminded of that song and have been singing it quite a lot. In case you have not seen the video, here it is.

The song is primarily aimed at women (guys out there, don’t tune out yet, I’m sure you will relate to this blog too J) and speaks about how we do not need to wear make up to look beautiful or to make people like us. The video shows women with their make up on, then gradually taking it off to show what they look like underneath. It’s a powerful video about self-image.

The lyrics to the chorus say “you don’t have to try so hard; you don’t have to give it all away; you just have to get up; you don’t have to change a single thing; you don’t have to try”.

It got me to thinking; do I see myself that way? Am I completely happy with everything about myself, or do I feel the need to change the way I look because I think it will win the approval of other people? In the main, I would say that I have come a long way with this, and am much happier than I was about the way that I look. But could I do what the women in the video do and take off my make up for everyone to see? Or would I be self-conscious?

What about you? Are you happy with the way you look? Ladies, could you do what the women on the video did? On my ‘Why Captivating Pearl…?’ page, I talk about being positive about the way you look and how God made you. Do you, like me, need to be reminding yourself of these truths?

But what struck me about the song is not what Colbie had written the song about. I felt like the lyrics to the chorus go even deeper than that; to what is inside of us; to how we feel about ourselves, who we are as people. Throughout my life, I have gone on a journey of realising that I don’t need to do things or be like somebody else for the approval of other people. I am learning that I have something to bring in being real about who I am, rather than showing who I think people want or expect me to be or what I think will please other people.

At the moment, for me that means I am learning to say ‘no’ to things that I don’t need to do and that at that point in time aren’t beneficial for me to commit to. It also means that rather than automatically ascertaining what others want and immediately going with that in order to please others, I am learning to take time to consider and express my opinions and preferences (if it’s appropriate in the given situation).

Do you find the same thing? Perhaps you find it is the case in a different way to me. Do you find that you feel the need to perform or put aside your own preferences in order to please others?

While remembering that it is good to consider the needs of others and put them before our own at times, it is also unhealthy to completely put aside our own needs, feelings, opinions and preferences on all occasions, to the point where we never even consider that we have them. We are human BEINGS not human doings. There is no pressure to perform (whether it be in your job; in your friendships and other relationships; in your hobbies) in order to be accepted. The only person we should be looking to please is God, and God already accepts us and loves us for who we are; it does not matter what other people think of us. He has created each of us individually to be who He made us to be, and that individuality is a gift to the world, because there is nobody else on earth like you!

Who has God made you to BE? Will you allow yourself to be free in BEING you? Will you give your gift to the world by BEING you?

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Why Captivating Pearl…?

You may be wondering about the title of my blog…Why has she called it captivating pearl? Well, let me give you a backdrop to this story… When I was much younger, despite growing up in a loving family, I had a very low self-image. Looking back, I guess I could say that I didn’t really like myself. I didn’t get on very well with people in school for a long time, and I sadly believed and was affected by all the negative comments that were made.

Since coming to church and becoming a Christian, God has taken me on a real journey of being positive about myself, and knowing how amazing I am, because He made me that way. Little by little, He is stripping away the lies that I believed. Yet, I am still on this journey today, still learning. One day only a couple of weeks ago, I felt really rubbish about myself. I cried to God about how I felt, and He showed me a picture (below), which I then painted as a reminder to myself of what He says about me. Maybe I’m alone in having negative thoughts, but in case not, I hope the painting and the thoughts behind it will remind you of the same things it has for me.

In the picture, the man is God while I am the butterfly. God is passionately in love with me. He created me to be perfect. I am beautiful. He is smiling upon me. And in fact, coming back to my original point, I am a captivating pearl…this is true of all of us, but feels particularly relevant for me, since my first name (Rebecca) means ‘captivating’ and my middle name (May) means ‘pearl’. I am going to stand on this truth, and not let negative thoughts about myself get in the way of this truth!

But why is this so important? You might be asking yourself this question. Surely, having this opinion of myself is big-headed. I shouldn’t be blowing my own trumpet and telling everyone how amazing I am!

I think it depends upon how you go about it. I think in fact it is hugely important to know how amazing you are, and it is not big headed in the least, if you understand that you are amazing because God made you that way. It is not by my own doing that I am amazing and beautiful. It is because God made me that way, and so in fact by saying these things I am boasting about God and not myself.

When we say negative things about ourselves, we are in fact insulting God. The lie “I am ugly” says to God “you did a rubbish job when you made me”. How is that true? Equally, the lie that “I can’t do that” says to God “you aren’t capable of/won’t help me to do that”. Eh eh (*family fortunes ‘wrong answer’ sound)! The words we speak about ourselves (and others for that matter) are so powerful. The Bible tells us that “…the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!” James 3: 5 It is so true that when we speak negatively about ourselves and others, we open the floodgates for more negative thoughts, words and actions. One negative thought about myself can lead to a tirade of more negative thoughts, and then a day (or longer) of beating myself up and moping around, rather than being positive and taking opportunities for the adventure that God has in store for me. But we can tame our minds and our tongues. We can turn things around, with God’s help - spending time with God, who only speaks good things over us, is key. Listen to His words of encouragement over you, and allow it to displace the negative thoughts.  Surround yourself with people who are encouraging, and can remind you of these things when you forget. Personally, I also find that covering my mirror, wardrobe, walls and so on with reminders and encouragements is really helpful. What helps you with this?

Know what God says about you, because He made you that way. I am a captivating pearl, among many other positive things. What does God say about you?