carlitosgalvanjr-blog

[carlitosgalvanjr-blog]

[carlitosgalvanjr-blog]

My attempt

This is my first “real” attempt to get my shit together. I cannot afford to seek a therapist once again, at least not right now. I am fed up with my present life more than ever. Surprisingly the unhappyness is almost as detrimental as my mental state was during my relationship. Currently I feel my lowest low. I may be depressed right now. I want to avoid going deeper into this pit of darkness. I no longer want to keep on feeding this vicious cycle. I am living a fantasy life. I am taking steps backwards instead of forward. Very little growth compared to the amount of setbacks. My problem is that I hyper focus on my setbacks, all of them. My reliance on drugs has gotten out of control. I fear reality now, as I once feared drugs. How disappointing Ive led myself into years that are rooted for growth and positive improvements. I want to mature, I seem to behave child like. I have become a man child. I am so emberrased by this. I used to pride my self in hard work. I know have a minor phobia of going to work. I always expect the worst out of it. I want to change this I want to be more proactive I want to stop replying on drugs so heavily, I want to love myself enough, pure my desires  aside. I am so weak. I am a slave to my desires of drugs. My whole life has revolved around it now. I want to end this. I used to just do weed, and that was fine, because it did not get in the way of my progress as a young human being. Every other drug has led me to failure, alcohol and Xanax would be the biggest culprits of them all. I want to grow, I want to learn how to speak myself, I want to stop running away from my problems. I am so weak, I would be so upset myself if I knew how bad I've gotten.