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#thrillerbooks @psychologicalthriller

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Whats the chances of being secretly recorded in your home?

Who can you trust?

How can someone be so oblivious to harm?

This Psychological Thriller based on parts of a true story explains a woman falling victim of sexual assault and being exposed online without knowing!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08B3JWZJ6

[caryssa83]

Whats the chances of being secretly recorded in your home?

Who can you trust?

How can someone be so oblivious to harm?

This Psychological Thriller based on parts of a true story explains a woman falling victim of sexual assault and being exposed online without knowing!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08B3JWZJ6

[caryssa83]

https://booklaunch.io/carispoynter/impervious

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I'm so happy to have this book published and donate 10% towards Tourettes Action uk

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I published my new episode live_20200529_175627, please check it out

https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-xhgjg-de1e75

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From the OCD

Without you, il become weak!

I appear for many reasons and in many peoples minds and I can appear suddenly or when you have become mentally sick such as depression or anxiety. I sit and wait for these moments and before you know it, I'm ain't control of you! 

 That night when you go to bed and you start to close your eyes, I send you images of someone coming to harm you, I make it a strong distressing image that you cant stop or ignore and you will not feel safe.

 You feel fear, and terror, unable to concentrate on anything else other than what's being cushioned in your thoughts. You are afraid, but I'm feeling good, because your believing what I feed you. Even tho you haven't got proof of it to happen to you.

 You start to feel weak and my powers have controlled  your actions and compulsions.

 You cant close your eyes,  you get out the bed to check the windows in belief someone is to the home, yet you know no one is there.

 I'm not allowing you to think positive , how could I ? You have just given in to my demands. You have fed me.

In return, for giving me power, il let you feel safe and relief for checking the windows and doors, but only for a little while! 

Going to try and get to sleep again are you? 

 Oh, no you dont!

  What's that noise? Are you sure you locked the front door? 

 Your again, scared and fear danger and I want you now to go back to the front door, check the lock, check the handles again. 

 Now you have checked, you have fed me my adrenaline and il again let you have a rest and you can go back to bed. But not for long!

   I need feeding again and now this person outside is coming in and to hurt you when your eyes are closed.

 Open the eyes, go back to the window and check the doors and locks. Il make this happen over and over because I'm greedy and want control.

 How are you going to stop me?

How are you going to feel safe again and realise, your feeding me with control and who's going to take the control back?

 How are you going to stop thinking negative and feeling unsafe daily ?

Apart from acting on the compulsions your forced to do, what else have you done to feel safe and stop bad thoughts?

 All this time, I'm questioning you, are you sure the locks and windows are secure?, what's that noise ? 

How comes you never questioned me ??

What if, the reason I had to control you  was because if I didnt, il become weak!

What if you asked me this, "what is the chances, of someone to come and harm me"?

 What would my response be?

 What evidence have I got?

  Who Else, other than me, told you in the nights that someone is at your home to hurt you?

How many people has this happened to who you know?

If you ask these questions, then I'm going to start fading away, because what evidence do I have? But this is going to be challenging for you because you need to do this often because I wont go easy.

You see, not only are you feeling fear, but me too! I'm in fear if you dont do what I demand. I believe that if you start closing your eyes, or you dont check them windows and doors, then I lose control of you and I will become weak, but answer this...What proof do I have myself? Who told me il be weak ?, what makes me believe this if I lose control? 

 HOW AM I GOING TO LEAVE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO PROOVE TO ME THAT IM WRONG? 

 How do I know il become weak, if you resist and compel your compulsions. Because, you always give in! Il never know.

 Not only are you challenging your mind, but your also challanging mine! I'm wrong, what evidence have I got, who else has told me something bad will happen if I lose control of you and when are you going to start helping us both challange ourselves for leave you with positive thoughts and act in a more  healthier way. 

[caryssa83]

Here I have wrote an insight on my own experience with obsessions and OCD

I once was told by my therapist that you can be addicted to anything such as drugs,alcohol,ciggerettes and believe it or not sex!

In the past years i have had many different obsessions/addictions that i didnt know how to control and i didnt realise i was addicted to certain things including becomming obsessed with one hobby then losing intrested after a certain time and then another different hobby comes along and i obsess about that.

When i have this main addiction at the time, i can not stop thinking of the subject. for example i suddenly had high intrest in baking cupcakes! i hate cooking and i never thought id become intrested in baking cakes at all. I researched from how to bake to what ingrediants i needed and apliances to be able to bake. everytime i was googling and researching and watching youtube videos on baking cakes i was feeling a high energetic feeling, like i was buzzing and i couldnt stop thinking of what i want to do with this hobby. i was up till late at night losing sleep constantly obsessing over baking cakes. Pay day come and that was it, all my money went on what i needed to buy to bake, and i started to bake for couple weeks and spending money on this intrest without thinking of the consequenses of having to pay bills ect.

I was feeling good i had adrenaline and was happy but the same time if i didnt act on this urge to spend on this hobby and act on it id feel aggitated and restless! i had no control how to stop the urge! i was ADDICTED.

After a little while maybe a month later I lost all intrest in baking! id wasted time and much money on something i no longer had intrest in. the high feeling the buzz and adrenaline had gone.

Another day comes and again another addiction/obsession comes along!

this time its art and crafts, im definatly not creative and never had intrest before but once again this pattern like the baking comes along and the high feeling buzzing and adrenaline is back for the arts and crafts, money wasted and time because again after a while the intrest goes.

Iv had many obsessions such as joing the gym, learning to play piano and then guitar. wanting to become a councillor/mentor even studyed at home and passed the course for councilling yet again after time i didnt want to become this!

Items iv also obsessed about and had strong intense urges to buy whatever it was i had to buy to keep the feeling i had inside to make me feel good. its like a drug, something i obsess about was keeping me high and excited and i had to act on this to keep the good feeling.

I was even once addicted to dating sites! i was getting adrenaline from joining up and making profiles to searching people and messaging. i couldnt come off the applications and i could not stop the urge to search the profiles and messages, this took over alot of my time and i didnt understand why this was happening and why i was feeling a good adrenaline over dating applications. This addiction took a long time for me to stop and realise it was the longest obsession i had. i still dont understand how this become an addiction.

I now somehow understand how people who are gambelers feel and have no control how to fight the urge to not step foot in the bookies.

When you dont act on the compulsion towards the obsession then your going to feel awful, aggitated, restless, angry and feel your going to lose your mind. its all you think about, theres nothing else you want to do and its impossible to concerntrate on anything else other than wanting to go into the bookies and gamble! its not just the feeling you believe you will win, its the feelings of adrenaline and intense high feelings of happy and excitement from walking thru that door to placing the bet and waiting for the outcome, but when you lose of course you are down, you lose money and are overwhelmed with guilt! the same feelings i get when i dont act on something i obsess over or addicted to.

Paranoia become a problem for me and its an uncontrollable and disturbing thought I have that is intrusive and I know I wont act on this thought but the feeling I get is intense and impossible to stop the thought and I start to avoid doing things to stop being scared. Standing at the train station waiting for my train to arrive and I see ahead its arriving and my mind instantly pictures myself jumping in front of this train and I'm confused and petrified of this thought and scared but also distressed because I know I wont act on this and I'm scared to look at the train coming towards me so I look away until its stopped! have a fear of sleeping because if I do I believe someone will come into my home to come upstairs to my bedroom and attack me, the longer my eyes are closed my mind visions someone getting closer and closer to me, once I open my eyes this vision is gone and I'm safe.

I have a son aged 14 also with ocd and paranoia and his feeling controlled by his thoughts to do actions he never did before. At at young age around 4years old he would ask for help to put his shoes on and I'd attend and grab the right shoe to put on for him and in a sudden moment he would scream, beg and beg for me to put the left shoe on first, I never understood why. I'd ask why and what's wrong and ask him to calm down because he was extremely aggitated and stressed but, once I changed the right shoe for the left his response stopped and was calm and I could see the change how relaxed he was. This went on for months and I thought 1st he was just trying to control me and want to get attention when in fact he didnt have control of himself for this and it was a behaviour from his OCD that took me a while to realise!. After maybe one year this shoe problem having to be the left put on first stopped but, then come another pattern and thought in his mind that again took over not just him but took me in too.

Night time was bedtime story, we sit together in my sons bed and I'd open the first page and start to read aloud to him. A few pages in I'd start to read the page for my son to suddenly become very aggressive and tell me to read that sentence again because it's wrong, I re read the sentence in the same tone I did before. Again with aggression and crying he beg me to repeat and said it's wrong how I said it. After having this problem many times eventually i said the sentence in a way that calmed him down and made him relax and i could continue the book. It wasnt until after researching and seeing his doctors this was all OCD behaviour in which if I didnt say the sentence in a certain tone then he would feel uncomfortable and have to force me to re read it for him to feel safe!. Never did I think this would be an OCD problem but it was. Night time bedtime stories was very difficult for us.

After sometime this OCD pattern with my son vanished but, another appeared. Once I tuck my son to bed and kiss him good night I would walk away but then he would suddenly shout to me to touch the top of his duvet! Now bare in mind on this time I thought OCD was about cleaning hands or things in order so when I'm having all these orders from a 4 or 5 year old this is looking like he wants control over me and to do what he wants and if I dont do it he will go crazy!

To keep him from being angry and crying fter refusing to do what I'm ordered to, I'd do what he wanted so I'd turn back towards him in bed and i would do what he ordered to tap the top of his duvet. Would you believe just by doing this demand he stopped suddenly crying and being angry to being able to lay down and relax.

Can you see here theres a pattern of not just my son being distressed but I am too because I didnt know what this was about and I'm told by others his trying to control me but as a mum I had something telling me it's something more but what?!

Il never forget the time my son would arrive in the evenings from being with his dad the weekend friday to sunday. Around 7pm sunday evenings every week my son would arrive back home in his dads car straight to the front door.

I'd hear the car arrive and I'd open my house front door before my son got out the car. Well this started to become a problem for my son because he wanted to knock on the door before I opened it! Why? I asked him and my son couldn't explain the reason but again become angry, hitting me, shouting, crying and begging me to shut the front door and let him knock. In this time I refuse to feel controlled and said "no". But there was no calming my child at all. He was going red in the face, shaking, and very very aggitated. What else can I do but to now let him take control and I now close the door and let him knock first and I open the door after? Can you see the controll this OCD had not just over my son but now I'm involved and controlled by it.

Either way I had no choice but to re do the task by closing the door and letting him knock for me to then open again. Instantly he again was calm and able to walk into the home! Again I'm shocked how quickly just doing that demand would make him change so fast and change.

Now by my own experience and understanding through research too after many years and I had little knowledge of OCD but these behaviours from myself and my son wasnt what I expected and have learnt that this was OCD.

We see the behaviour first and our compulsion to act on what we feel at the time of what our thoughts are telling us and having to have no control over this and noone to understand what was going on inside our minds but, noone knows or understands the feelings what we have and the intense anger inside ourselves and as much was keeping our attention and distract us from other things to have no choice but to act on this feeling and do the compulsive behaviour to make one feel safe and secure and comfortable in ourselves.

Not only was my son being controlled but so was I

OCD has come to us both in diffrent forms and mostly in times of stress or anxiety. Also it manages to change from one obsession to another. And the compulsions change .

[caryssa83]

So now I'm aware that the sudden loud screeching noise from my son Ramani , is another vocal tic. All this time I thought it was him being silly or due to his adhd being hyperactive.

Sitting together his explaining himself to me he keeps having the urge to screech and made me realise that this is what it was all along, an involuntary vocal sound called a tic!

Were still both learning together new symptoms thay appear suddenly and I'm always making my son feel free and comfortable to speak to me about anything new or anything bothering him. We both have similar characteristics and he also knows I have my own motor tics.

After having to watch him at a young age having many motor tics such as involuntary eye rolling movements to a point I thought it was a seizure I had to take him to our local gp and get referred to a specialist for child development to find the cause.

At the child development appointment We was told it's a habit and that he will out grow it! I felt we was ignored.

Some months later my son developed along side his eye rolling tics, a mouth opening or what I'd say a mouth pulling tic.

Not long after showing ocd behaviour and hyperactivity he started to develop another tic having to lick his lips over and over again until they was red raw and cracked. This was for around 6 months on and off.

Again docs and specialists told me it was a habit and he outgrow this. Now after some more time my son had eye rolling, mouth pulling, licking lips and then developed a grunting sound from his throat. Grunting is a vocal tic I had researched and to which I tried to stress to new specialists who we was referred to and was ignored again!

From the age of 3 to aged 7 my son developed both vocal and motor tics lasting many years on and off and waxing and waning... grunting, sniffing, saying inappropriate words, eye rolling and more movement tics I was fully aware after my research that this was a criteria of Tourettes syndrome.

I stressed to many specialists and to our family that this is what I believe it was and we still ignored.

I started to then keep a diary myself of all tics and new ones, also new behaviours and I also video his worst days.

School didnt notice no tics also when we was at the doctors appointments he never showed tics, how come? Why? I stressed myself how could this be possible noone sees his tics other than being at home with myself or with his father at weekends!

After speaking to his teacher one day asking if his seen any tics, I was told that my son never showed any tics in school and was told maybe he was stressed at home!

Wow now I'm to blame! Teacher thinks im lying!

Later after some time I asked his teacher to watch a recording that I had of my son sitting calmly and relaxed on my sofa watching tele.

His teacher was shocked! Told me my son looks calm and not stressed and has never seen this in his lessons. Now my son is aged 8 here by then. Around this time his younger brother Rys who is 1 year younger than him started to now develop motor tics, excessive eye blinking, nose twitching, lip licking and sniffing! Now this is serious, I want answers. I'm now having to take Rys for assessments too.

We attended many appointments and more referrals were done but, one specialist tried accusing me of emotionally abusing my son Ramani because I was taking him to too many diffrent doctors and not getting a diagnosis. Sometime after Rys showed signs of tics, my eldest son Rye then started to having a mouth opening movement and eye rolling tonone side then developed sniffing and muscle pulling in the neck!. Now theres definitely a genetic thing going on here and it most definitely isnt from there dad because they have diffrent dads. Not only had my eldest now got tics but also dermatillamania where he picks at his skin.

It wasn't until I had my last referral to a London tourettes specialist that I finally after 8 years of fighting and trying to support my son that the doc see my son and questioned him about his tics and family background which I stated his younger brother has now started to develop tics. The doctor then asked to show him a video I had and within 30 seconds of the video being watched he diagnosed my son with tourettes and ocd!

The relief I felt, I did it, I won the fight, I knew it!

Now since the diagnosis for Ramani and then continuing to support my other 2 showing challanging behaviour, Ramani started year 7 secondary school and by Easter that year he was becoming difficult. Poor attention, restless, tics becoming more apparent, impulsive behaviour and more. After some more assessments he was developed with ADHD and put on medication.

Rys later was having problems with ocd behaviours having to do routines and equal things out to feel right, he also was diagnosed with trichtilomania where he pulls his hair out. After more assessments Rys was diagnosed ODD oppositional defiant disorder. Now as a family we have a lot of things going on. But seems theres a strong connection from my Gene's and all neurological.

I have Bipolar disorder, BPD, tics, and OCD.

Ramani at aged 12 was then diagnosed with paranoia and possible Bipolar! We are told to keep a diary of any odd behaviours than usual. On high Days he wont sleep or eat, gets goofy, acts drunk and needs alot of my attention. When low mood he cant walk up, is extremely tired and cant do anything.

Or days his manic and down together where he suddenly becomes tired after being active and goes to sleep then wakes 1 hour later being active again.

I also have my youngest boy Kodie. His 6 years old. I said for the past 2 years that Kodie has no signs of tics or behaviour problems. Aged 4 Kodie still has no signs and I'm happy because surely one my kids need to be free from problems!.

Kodie shows signs now aged 6 of dyslexia but still early days to test I'm told.

Anyway recording Kodie singing a song and looking closely to him guess what?, his got a lip licking and lick biting tic! Oh my god. I'm now just shaken and scared what the future is for him now. His mouth red raw and sore. How can this happen? Not my little boy.

To be continued...

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