cat-n-i-p

[cat-n-i-p]

a letter to my parents from: your mentally ill child

t/w: self harm, suicidal thoughts

hi, mommy and daddy.

first off, i just want to tell u how much i appreciate everything that you’ve done for me for all my life. you gave birth to me, bathed me, gave me food, gave me shelter, raised me, and taught me a lot of things. i will never not appreciate all of these things that you’ve given me, because i will always carry them in my heart.

despite all these though, i also carry in my heart all the hurt and pain you’ve given to me. i know you disguise them as you wanting to teach me a lesson because you love me and you want me to be a better person (and fundamentally it’s not ur fault because that is how discipline passed off in your own households as well), but i think constantly degrading me and physically abusing me whenever you feel upset has really taken its toll on my mental health.

since i was a child, i have always been really problematic. i was that overly-curious and hyper child who did stupid things like open the refrigerator just to stand in front of it to be cold because i didn’t like being hot (still don’t), i put a shitton on water on my aunt’s detergent container and wasted all of that, i put on sanitary pads on my panties even if i didn’t menstruate because i saw my mom do it,  i put a shitton of powder on the floor just to play skating inside our own house, etc. i did a lot of things like that when i was young. but i also was an outstanding student. i was a fast learner and i got high scores without even exerting any amount of effort. you were proud because of that. you never really talked about all those stupid things i did, and if you did, you talked about it jokingly, as if you didn’t hurt me and yell at me for doing all those. i have received so much physical abuse, it’s crazy. i got punched, slapped, hit with a lot of things in the house and i even got my wrist slightly scratched by a knife once. i grew up and now i don’t even flinch when you lift a hand at me. i take all of it and it takes a lot to make me cry when my body hurts.

i used to be so ashamed of it, because i believed everything was my fault, it was MY fault for making you so mad that you had to do that to me, that you HAD to hit me. i grew up thinking that i deserve to be hurt for every wrong thing that i did. it really stuck to me. i didn’t really realize it at first, because i wasn’t aware that that’s what i really thought, you get me? but friends always pointed out how i apologize for the smallest things and i apologize over and OVER and OVER when i didn’t even have to. because i always think that when something goes wrong, it’s my fault. and i know it. and i deserve to be hurt because i did something wrong. that’s really a shitty thing for a person to feel, to be constantly wanting to be punished and to be treated badly whenever they make a mistake. because mistakes are normal. i have to own up to them, of course, but i don’t have to get hurt because i made a mistake.

anyway. i’ve always known how hurt and how much i suffer inside. i’m always sad, i’m always anxious, i’m always worried. and sometimes i didn’t know why, i just am. i’ve always been like that, even when i was in high school. i’m not blaming you, of course. a problem doesn’t really have just one cause. it’s an accumulation of a lot of things.

i’ve tried killing myself a lot of times. numerous. i don’t even know how many times i’ve attempted to kill myself. my earliest recollection was when i was in sixth grade, there was a power outage and you got mad at me for something that i did, and because i felt like a useless piece of shit who can’t manage to do anything right, i cut my wrists with a blade. i wasn’t aware of how unconsciously i hurt myself, too, until recently. whenever i get anxious, i dig my nails into my palms until they hurt and they leave a mark. i do that a lot. and my nails are Long and Sharp. you BET they hurt. and i feel like i have the need to do this because i did something wrong, i had to do it. i had to punish myself for being a useless piece of shit who can’t do anything right by her parents. i will never be enough. those are all the things that goes on in my mind. and they constantly still are. until now.

i think everything worsened when i got to college. during high school, i was physically abused more, but at least i got good grades. i graduated with honors, everyone was proud of me because of my grades. but then i entered a prestigious university, where only the best and the smartest students are in. my confidence in myself plummeted. i had okay grades, i passed most of my classes, but i wasn’t good. i wasn’t good and i wasn’t nearly as hard-working enough as my peers. but at least i still passed. but then i had to take math 11. it was so hard. i’ve never really liked math, i got low grades for math during high school and elementary, but this was HARD hard. my professor didn’t help, he wasn’t that good at teaching so i had to learn by asking my friends about things and learning through videos in the internet. i still flunked that class though. it was normal in the university. it was widely known that the math in our campus was harder than the math in the other campuses of our university. i wasn’t the only one who flunked. but you made me feel so bad about it. like i was a stupid person who failed a class and had to retake it. i passed the next time i took it. and i passed all the classes i took after that one. until my supposed to be last semester in college. my professor gave me an incomplete despite of me passing all the requirements he had for the subject. i was completely devastated. i didn’t know how to tell you. i asked for the help of other professors but they couldn’t do anything about it. so i wasn’t able to graduate on time. i didn’t know how to tell you because i know you’d be disappointed in me. you already told everyone about it and now i’m just... not going to graduate yet. because of one subject. my sister helped me on talking to you about it, and i was surprised because you didn’t really make me feel that bad about it that time. but after that... i’m just... the girl who didn’t graduate on time. everyone thought i was so smart, but apparently i’m not, because i couldn’t graduate on time. after that i hit a whole different low. i didn’t talk to any of my friends, i refused to go on social media, and i just... suffered. alone. because i can’t talk to anyone. i didn’t have anyone to talk to that i know wouldn’t judge me. i’m still feeling that until now.

when you ask me how i would describe myself, i would probably say ordinary. but that’s not what i think of myself. i think that i’m nothing. i’m literally good for nothing. i’m not good at anything, i’m just... useless and worthless. but other people don’t think i am. they keep reminding me that i am something, but i can’t see that. i used to think that i can be something, but i can’t see that anymore. all the hope in myself just... disappeared. it’s all gone. and i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m scared. i know you know that i’ve wanted to die, a lot of times, i joke around about it all the time at home and i know you know that i mean it when i say that i’m only waiting for death to take me. but recently i’ve been thinking. i don’t want to die. i want help. i really want help. because i can’t succumb to this darkness. i know you don’t really believe in depression, especially mommy, but i think i am depressed. i’ve been depressed for such a long time. i’m so tired of just feeling tired and sad all the time and i need help. i don’t want to just want to die anymore. i want to find myself. i want to want something. i want to dream again. i want to be able to take care of you and spend a lot more time with you and the rest of my family, and my friends. i want to be happy.

i love you so much. thank you for everything. but please believe me and let me get help.

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i’ve been watching nanatsu no taizai recently and i am addicted. i’m not really one for the romance lines and stuff but i can actually tolerate this one’s because it doesn’t really focus on that much. i’ve never liked an anime after watching fairy tail and (still waiting for the next season of) shokugeki no soma. yay.

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i want to write again - even if they’re just words vomited out of my mind. i would be okay with that. i just want to write, and to feel the happiness that i used to feel when i did.

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someday, i’ll be able to tell you.

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11:46 pm; let’s look at the stars together

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i’m not scared,

just lost.

i’ll find my way eventually.

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i want you, but i know you can’t be mine.

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11.27; Why must I feel so much pleasure from a sin?

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You always sees what nobody else sees; it is impossible to satisfy you.

George Eliot, Middlemarch (via theliteraryjournals)

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friends, but with untold feelings and cherished memories.

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11.28.16

and out of anything else in the world, you still confuse me the most.

[cat-n-i-p]

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Give yourself something to look forward to that isn’t a person.

Anonymous (via wnq-anonymous)

[cat-n-i-p]

on love at first sight.

I used to hate the thought of love at first sight. It maddens me how people could correlate an emotion as intense as love to someone they literally just saw for the first time. For someone to say that they felt “sparks” when they brushed their skin with another person was such a stupid idea for me; “that’s just friction” is what I always used to say. But then I met you.

I still don’t like the idea of love at first sight, but I don’t hate it either.

I always think of how easier my life would have been had I fallen in love with you at first sight.

I wouldn’t have fallen for your smile and the way your eyes crinkled when you did or how deep your dimple would carve into your skin or the way your voice gets an octave higher whenever you laughed or for the way that you always tried to make everyone around you laugh too

I wouldn’t have fallen for the way you think. Your intellect has always astounded me. You always had something new — ideas, stories, and all those things that has compiled to everything that I’ve known that comprises the whole you.

I wouldn’t have fallen for you. Hard. I wouldn’t have fallen for your everything.

Your face, your hands, your smile, your laugh, your voice, your brain, your past, your present, your everything.

I would have just fallen for you because of the “sparks”. And those don’t last long. But instead, I chose to fall for you; through and through.