cat-turtle

[cat-turtle]

Dream

So it's been four years now. I still think of you once in a while... maybe every week or so. Much less often, more when I have extra time.

I've gotten a therapist to help with the process, but it's hard. She tells me to burn my letters after I write them to you, and I haven' been able to do that. I guess the fact that my last post was from two years ago is a good sign, right?

I had a dream that I could reach out to you. Just some connection where we can still contact each other, since your last text was that we should go our separate ways after I asked if you wanted to meet up. It seemed final; so I didn't reply, because I guess I didn't want it to be final.

This is what I would've told you if you said yes to the meet up two years ago.

I would've said: I'm sorry that I responded so poorly to you asking your ring back to start. I wasn't ready then to give it away. It was because I wasn't ready yet. I wore it for a long time after we broke up. And that ring was a reminder of us, what could've been. It was a reminder of your kindness, your generosity; what I loved about you. I wasn't ready for it to be revoked. That's why I wasn't ready for me to just e-transfer you either back I guess, it seemed too transactional. I am sorry.

I am also sorry for putting your items in the garbage bags. I was upset. I should've handled it better considering the position I was in, and how much I hurt you.

I am sorry for putting up the facebook profile of ellie and I so soon after we broke up. I should've waited much longer. I was inconsiderate.

I am sorry for the way I acted while we were still living together; for speaking with ellie and laughing while you were in the house. For asking to have your filipino sausages. For "breaking down" on you when I was overwhelmed. For asking you to be the one to move out. I am really sorry for all of that. I really wish I could take it all back.

I am also sorry for our relationship. That I pushed your boundaries back so far. That I dismissed you. That I didn't give our relationship a good enough shot, and gave it away so easily.

I would give a lot to meet up and still be friends; just to see each other every few years or so. But I think you know that already.

I still have a box of our items in a box, in Ellie's parents basement. I don't think I'll ever throw it away, sorry.

Goodbye. For now.

[cat-turtle]

Dear Franklin

It’s been a while - almost two years. I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to lately.

I recently moved - Ellie and I finally got our own apartment. We were living in Ellie’s parent’s basement for almost a year! I don’t know how you’ve been feeling. I’m curious - what do you think of when you think of me? How much resentment is there, and how did it change over the years?

Moving always makes me think of you... although less each time. Memories fade with time. 

I’ve taken some steps forward since then. I’ve been able to keep your mementos in a box with some presents from others, rather than in a bin in of itself. The next step I think, is to keep the box at another location, which I’m planning on doing.

I stumbled upon the engagement cards we’ve received. It really reminded me of all the good times we’ve had - all the silliness, surrounded by all those people who are so full of love. We were a really fun couple, weren’t we? There are so many silly memories with you, over the six years we’ve known each other for. Thank you for putting up with my ridiculous nonsense and my lazy ass. I really didn’t deserve it.

I’m sorry things turned out the way it did. I was selfish, thoughtless, and cruel. I wish I could do things differently.

Ellie and I are happy together, especially at our new place. We still have the two cats, and they now get along! Sometimes, I really miss the friends that we had together, the nerdy things you’d share with me about the world at large, the adventurous and down-for-anything attitude we had together. Those were indeed some great times.

I think I’m going to look into therapy, so that I can finally learn to work on this, and to work on getting over you. I think it’s time. I need to do this for me, and for Ellie. 

Is Ellie the one for me? Yes, I still think so. She makes me really, really happy. She’s incredibly kind and smart. I’m happy I am with her. Sometimes, her mental health holds us both back, but we can’t have it all... it would be much too perfect. I love her a lot, a lot.

I hope you’re doing well. I really want to add you again on facebook, AKA ask you to unblock me. I hope you’re down to meet up in the future to catch up again, although I really don’t know where you stand, I guess.

Wish you all the very best.

Kat

[cat-turtle]

Dear Franklin

How have you been? Well, I hope. I’ve heard good things.

Can you believe it? It’s been a year already. Time flies, but it also really doesn’t. It feels like half a lifetime away. Like a dream, really.

I think of you often. I think of the good memories we used to share. I think of what you like, and what used to make you happy and gets you excited. I talk about you sometimes, to old friends and new, about what type of person you are and what you liked. I learn new factoids and things, and think about how it would make you excited if you hear about those things. I think of the life we would’ve had together. I think of our plans to spend our life together.

I miss you all the time. More during times when I can really feel your vacancy. More when I think of where we are now, kilometers but lifetime apart. I miss my best friend. I miss him so much. You know I have two cats now? It’s a secret, but sometimes I talk to them about you and monster. You’d like them a lot. Especially Cinder; you’ve always had a thing for feisty badass female protagonists, and she’s definitely that.

I’m sorry of course. But you know that already. 

I’m sorry for the pain, the extent of it, the abruptness of it. I’m sorry for the selfishness, oh, the fucking ridiculous selfishness. I’m sorry for all the times you’ve had to answer “How’s Kathy?” since then. I’m sorry for destroying the person who cared the most. If you ask, I really couldn’t answer why I did what I did. Except maybe that it felt right. I’m sorry that it felt right.

I hope that your mom is doing well, and that she is healthy. I hope that you’ve gotten better at not being taken advantage of by Mitch and David. I hope that Monster has been keeping you company and is being a good boy with no issues. I hope you haven’t been drinking too much alcohol or coffee and have been taking care of your body. I hope that you’re not stressing out too much about your boss and the occasional careless mistakes you make; it happens to everyone, and you’re a good worker. I hope that you’ve been able to heal somewhat, and I hope that my selfish actions haven’t changed such a lovable you for worse.

I’ve heard that you’ve been doing well. I heard that you’ve been able to hang out with friends and do so many things that having me in your life limited you from. That makes me happy to hear. I know you’ll find someone who appreciate you so much more, and truly deserve you.

19-25 is our entire adulthood, and we learned so much together, didn’t we? We’ve been through so much. Remember how you used to peddle with me in the backseat of your bike? And how that upgraded to a $1 car, to your Mazda now? Remember how we used to take Monster out on adventures with us...even though we really shouldn’t have? Remember how hard we worked to stay together?; How we made it through my year in England, made it through your grocery store work year, and finally moved in together after months of job hunting and condo hunting? Remember that day, when we were walking down Yonge street in our professional outfits, feeling ecstatic that we finally worked hard enough to officially become a young professional couple living together in Toronto? Remember how fun and wild our engagement party was, and how it was just so us? And, remember that fleshlight party story? I wonder what you’d do with that story now.

You know, I’ve always imagined having you with me for the rest my life. Even during all of this. It was so so stupid, I know. We have always worked through every difficulty and challenge together, and conquered them all; somehow I thought this was yet another. Somehow I just assumed you’d always be there just because you have always been there. I miss you so much now that you’re not there.

You were always there for me. You were my rock through my every tantrum, every entitled attitude, every stubbornness and selfishness, every unreasonable request that you always accept. 

I like being there for you, on the seldom occasions that I made an effort to, and when you were sad enough. I really didn’t think that I wouldn’t be able to be there at the lowest point I’ve ever seen you... and that I would be the one to have brought you there. I really wish I would’ve been able to be there. I wish I ha been kinder. I wish I was a better person, I wish I acted like the person you made me feel like I am, the person you believed I was.

For what it’s worth, it probably couldn’t have worked. I’ve been spending every year crushing on female friends. I’ve been gravitating so much toward women; it’s what I’ve craved. And, what I craved is so, so much more than just the physical, I’ve learned now. Better earlier than later, when it leads to even more pain, right? I don’t know if that’s right. But, I do know that I don’t think it was something I could hold back for the rest of my life. I wish I could. I wish I could’ve just been content or happy. I’m sorry I wasn’t. 

I know you tried so hard to pull all the pain in for me and for us. I know you tried so, so hard. Thank you for that, thank you for everything you sacrificed throughout the five years, always, always putting me first. Thank you for teaching me so much; about worldly issues, having friends, how to be kind, and so much about myself in general.  Thank you for leaving me with such happy memories of my 20s and my adulthood with you. I will certainly cherish them.

You were perfect. Please know that you were perfect. Thank you.

[cat-turtle]

Dear Franklin

*If you’re reading this, then that means that Samir decided it was in your best interest to show this to you. I wasn’t sure if my assumptions about our conversation and your feelings were correct, so I thought I’d defer it to someone who in my opinion, knows who you are best.*

What to say to you?

So much, yet I don’t know exactly what or where to start. We met up yesterday, and you were just as angry as I remembered the last time I saw you almost a year ago. I’m not really sure what the point was of us meeting. You wanted me to go through my thought process and what I was thinking at the time with you. And then you didn’t want to hear more and left. You said you wanted me to help you be less angry...but did it?

What did you want? Did you want to forgive me? Did you want to hear my perspective and let memories of the past go? If so, why did you leave so soon? Did it do anything at all?

I’ll take a big presumptuous leap; I think that you wanted to forgive me. How else could anyone let go of anger, which was what you said you wanted to do? So, if that is the case, let me try and make that process easier; this is my apology to you. 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I killed the past Kathy and the past Franklin. I’m sorry for abandoning their past and their future together with the snap of a finger. I’m sorry that I turned you into someone unrecognizable, someone full of anger that I (and you?) don’t recognize. I know you’ve always taken pride in and loved your ability to trust others, your optimism, your ability to see the good in anyone, and, ironically enough, your ability to forgive others. I’m sorry for taking all that away, and taking away who you were.

What kind of person could do that to you, or to anyone? Throw away happy years and years to come. Toss aside someone who loves them so much just like that, so so quickly? Someone selfish, no doubt. Someone who wasn’t who you knew, and wasn’t someone you recognized in the least. I could say a thousand more things about myself and that decision, but this isn’t about me.

It would’ve been easier if we fell apart. If our relationship no longer worked, and that was its trajectory. It would’ve been so much easier if we fell out of love then, and I wish I could tell you I did.

It would’ve been easier if you didn’t do everything right. You did everything perfectly. You treated me better than anyone could’ve asked for, and better than I probably deserved, even back then. 

It would’ve been easier if we wouldn’t have had such a happy life together otherwise.

It would’ve been easier, but that wouldn’t be the truth.

I thought about writing out all the reasons why I did what I did. But then I thought, what does that really matter? So, instead, I’ll write some things that you should know.

First, I want you to know that I really took my time to think it through beforehand. I know it seems preposterous that I would do what I did if this is the case, but trust that this is true. I was sure.

Second, it wasn’t something I expected, and it wasn’t something I was looking for. I know how out of nowhere it seemed, because it was out of nowhere for me. I never would’ve even imagined something like this had even a possibility of happening. If anyone told me before then that this would happen, I would’ve scoffed at the idea and moved on. It was not believable in the least.

Thirdly, what we had was real. I’ve always told you how I felt, and it was true. None of it was fake in the least. I felt that I owned it to our past selves to let you know that. I wouldn’t take away our years together and those memories for anything in the world.

That's what I know. I’m sorry if that leaves you with more questions than answers. 

There were so many things I wish I had done differently. 

I wish I had been more patient and more kind with you the night after our conversation, I wish I had talked to you more then. Maybe if so, the past year would’ve been easier for both of us. I didn’t know that that Franklin would be gone the next day after your meetup with friends. I wish that I had been able to talk to him; there was so much I wanted to say. 

I guess that’s who this letter is addressed to; that Franklin.

I’m sorry for being so stupid. Five years together, and I still couldn’t anticipate how you’d feel. I remember a friend asking me if I thought you’d cry after the conversation, and I said probably not, since I’ve never seen you cry. As I’ve told you at the cafe, stupidly enough, I assumed that this was something we would work through together. We’ve always been able to talk through conflicts together and resolve anything that was thrown at us, and I assumed that this would be the same... How dumb is that?

Maybe I should’ve given it more time before letting you know... at the time, I did it so I didn’t drag it out and hurt you for even longer. Maybe I shouldn’t have left you on read for hours before we talked... at the time, I did it to let you have some feeling of what’s to come.

I should’ve been kinder to you after that conversation; I should’ve respected your need to want space, rather than trying to close it. You’re right - it just made it more painful. I should’ve avoided talking to her during this time. 

I wish there was some way to let you know what was coming ahead of time. I wish I wasn’t so sure of what I wanted, and that I was open to working out things. In some ways, but not most ways, I wish we were never together.

Most of all, I’m sorry for disappearing. I thought that if I stopped talking to our mutual friends, that they could just hate me and move on. That everyone can say “Kathy is not the person I thought she was, what kind of person is capable of doing this?”, hate me, and leave it at that. I thought that this way was easier. But of course, I was wrong.

The reason why I believe I was wrong was simple: You aren’t capable of hate. Asking you to hate me is asking you to change who you are, to coat a part of yourself in indefinite bitterness and resentment. I see that now.

So, I’ll stop asking you to hate me. Instead, I’ll take your kind advice yesterday, and begin the journey of learning to forgive myself. You’re right; it’s better for both of us. Let’s not hang on to bitterness.

It’s my hope that the memories we’ve created will one day hold less pain, and maybe even happiness eventually. I miss you of course, though I know I don’t deserve to. Don’t worry; I’m not holding out any hope of friendship in the future. It’s probably better this way. 

I know you’ll find someone who’ll make you a lot happier than I did. I have no doubt about that. You’re a definitely a catch, and I had great taste.

As for me, know that I’m doing well, too, and that I’m happy.

Thank you for everything.

Kathy